04 June 2009

still point

Apologies for not making a link in my previous post --EB, CCRM is Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, and they are known for working with troublesome older folks such as myself with great success at great cost. And sweet Maredsous, since I am in New Hampshire the initial consultation will be over the phone-- so rescheduling is as easy as changing which day I need to be by the phone and letting work know. (If it had been a plane ticket I would be crazed. Oh, wait, I am crazed. Need to find something else to blame....)

Since the Colorado option whateveritmaybe will take considerable planning and scheduling and will require more thinking depending on the suggestions they make for treatment considering my lack of response. It may simply be that we cannot afford it. And it may be that they say donor eggs or not at all, in which case I will wait and do more treatments locally if I can.
And, summertime is my darlin's busiest season, so that matters too.

In the interest of getting on with it, I've decided that whatever our doc will support us in doing, we will do-- and we will do it the next cycle he allows it. And I also realized that I am ok just asking for IUIs if he does not want to do IVF. I would ask for monitoring and triggering just to make the most of it, but he could say no to that too. In any case, I will take what I can get as soon as I can get it.

I hate not knowing really where the hell I am in my cycle. Hate it. Watching the BBT do it's thing, but why no LH? Not enough to darken a line worth mentioning at all this month. I started wayyyy early. And nothing. I do not think I would have such a nice BBT chart if I did not ovulate. And, if the chart is to be believed, we missed it. BUT I swear if I did not think it was impossible I would wonder if I am pregnant. Unfortunately pmsy stuff feels a lot (for me) like early pregnancy stuff... so my belly and guts feel weird, I feel weird, and am really tired and out of it.

I will get my hCG and prolactin levels today (**got them, hCG 21, prolactin 25**) most likely from yesterday's bloody blood draw. My last two have soaked through gauze, the one last week also soaked through two shirts in a very horror movie sort of way. After yesterday's I was more alert and kept my sleeve pulled up, and it only soaked through the wad of gauze.

So anyway, I assume my weirdness is PMS (but my heart wishes something else). I am eager for monday's meeting and also scared he will say he does not suggest/will not support treatment that includes my eggs. I am not ready to hear I am done in that way. And yes, I want to speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM, because I want to hear from someone who has a lot of experience treating folks like me.

Ok, yesterday I posted the "baby" opportunity card from my tarot. It makes different sense in context. So here's the challenge card:
the Builder
Structure, boundaries, foundation

You are being challenged to make decisions through intellectual reasoning, rather than your emotions or intuition. Ask yourself: "What am I building? Are the foundations of my life based on strong structures? Are my boundaries clear and well tended?" You are being challenged to take responsibility for a project where you have authority over others, and where your leadership skills can shine. What kind of a leader do you want to be? Do you lead by example or by dominating? Are you secure enough in your own abilities that you can share power with others? Do you take into account the longterm consequences of the decisions that you make?

And the resolution:
the Wheel
Cycles and seasons

Resolution comes with change. One part of a cycle is becoming another. What is passing away in your life right now, and what is coming into being? Where do you stand right now on the Wheel? Can you see that what is happening does not happen in isolation, but is part of a pattern? Sometimes the change that is coming is obvious and striking. More often, it creeps up on us when our attention has been elsewhere — the trees are suddenly bare and we didn't even notice when the first leaves began to fall. So this card also challenges us to be mindful. Keep track of the cycles of the sun and moon, which mirror our own inner cycles. If things seem chaotic and disorderly in your life, focus on the still point of the turning wheel. Remember that with prayer and the magic of sustained focus, all things are possible.

Ahh sweet inquiry....


Michele said...

My fingers are crossed that your consult goes well and that your doctor doesnt suggest the things you cant/dont want to hear right now. That things work out with your hopes and dreams.

Sprogblogger said...

Hmmph. My comment didn't post. Shall try again...

Glad you're planning a consult at CCRM, and I'm looking forward to hearing what your doc & Dr. S. have to say.

And, because I'm stupid like this, what I really hope is that you discover that you're pregnant RIGHT NOW. Because silly hope in the face of sadness? It's what I do best.

Hang in there.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Best of luck getting the information you need at your consult Kate.

I have always had an awful time getting good results from those OV predictor POAS tests. After I would go into the RE's office for blood work and an ultrasound and it was obvious I had ovulated. I read somewhere if you drink lots of water it can affect the tests. On the close OV days I would take the stupid test every 6 hours and still never get that dark line (if any at all). Hope that info helps.

K said...

Also anxiously awaiting details of your CCRM consult. And you KNOW how much I love those OPKs and their reliability factor.

Anonymous said...

didn't know you were in nh... my home state lady! good luck with the docs!

Maredsous said...

My test line is never darker than the control line on the OPK. Though sometimes I think it depends on the brand. I think if you BBT is beautiful then follow it.

Anziously awaiting your CCRM consult. Maybe I should pay for half of your consult because we are in the exact same boat. I have a feeling whatever goes for you is the same for me.

Sarah said...

opks are from the devil.

good luck with the RE kate, i find it hard to imagine that he will not want to try SOMETHING since you've had a conception. at some point after no conception they will tell you to move on, but a miscarriage is not the same thing. i realize this flirts dangerously close to the "at least you know you can get pregnant" crap people say after a miscarriage, but as godawful as those misguided comments are, a successful conception actually does mean something promising to your doctor. you already know the rate of miscarriage is high when we know so early, i would not be surprised at all if he thinks that rather than old eggs, your were just unlucky enough to fall on the wrong side of the stats.

What IF? said...

Kate, focusing on the still point of the turning wheel amid all the chaos. Such a beautiful thought to hold onto. I can see you hiking and finding this quiet, sacred place within.

I hope CCRM & Dr. S have an encouraging take on everything that will help clarify your next step, even if you end up staying with your current RE.

Your courage and perseverance inspire me.

Anonymous said...

I am back and wanted to drop by and say hi - and some ((HUGS))

Mo and Will said...

hey kate,

just finally commenting. wanted to say we found our phone consult with CCRM very helpful. Not easy to hear but helpful. I wrote about it in great detail on our blog if it would be helpful for you to read. We talked to dr. sch. and have since gone back and forth about whether to do one day workup and proceed with treatment there, going so far as to schedule, um, 3 or so appts and then cancel them for a variety of reasons (mostly logistical).

anyway, i think it's worth getting their opinion and I really look forward to hearing what you learn.

I'm rooting for you to find success!