You know when you're in the midst of something and you've gotten interrupted, and, as you resurface from the detour you wonder, "ok, where was I?".
...Well I realized that this whole IF process has lead to a more existential question, "ok, who was I?". Who was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
Since connecting with the PBS (I am still embarrassed by the babyspirit moniker, so I have come up with my own TTC acronym: PBS, potential babyspirits) I have felt markedly less blue. I do not wish to explain it away or talk myself out of it so I won't since, shit, at least I feel better. I have found myself laughing a little easier and being a little more springy (not quite Tigger-y for those of you in-the-know)-- a much more famliar kate.
But as I have been getting on with the process of healing from the miscarriage and as I have gotten closer to cycling again, dealing with the missed ovulation that first cycle, and this month charting and fretting over blood work and pee sticks, I could feel myself sinking back toward the place of darkness and near-stuckness. Getting back into the groove, and not a good one. As if by healing, I was also coming back apart, creating a distance between me and me.
I know that being/feeling like a stranger to myself is just one more way this IF journey is alienating. And this time, as I delve back into the fray, I want to do all I can to save myself from that loneliness. I want so badly not to lose my grip on my kateness, the silly parts, the loud laugh that surprises even me, the one who looks up at the clouds and does not always stay locked inside. I am thinking of hanging a life preserver on the fridge, to remind myself that I am worthy and not broken and not causing this struggle, that I am doing the best that I can.
So I am working on ways to remind myself who I really am, remind myself of the best parts of me as we go through this, whatever the THIS might turn out to be.