25 June 2009

"ok, who was I?"

You know when you're in the midst of something and you've gotten interrupted, and, as you resurface from the detour you wonder, "ok, where was I?".

...Well I realized that this whole IF process has lead to a more existential question, "ok, who was I?". Who was I before I was so rudely interrupted?


Since connecting with the PBS (I am still embarrassed by the babyspirit moniker, so I have come up with my own TTC acronym: PBS, potential babyspirits) I have felt markedly less blue. I do not wish to explain it away or talk myself out of it so I won't since, shit, at least I feel better. I have found myself laughing a little easier and being a little more springy (not quite Tigger-y for those of you in-the-know)-- a much more famliar kate.

But as I have been getting on with the process of healing from the miscarriage and as I have gotten closer to cycling again, dealing with the missed ovulation that first cycle, and this month charting and fretting over blood work and pee sticks, I could feel myself sinking back toward the place of darkness and near-stuckness. Getting back into the groove, and not a good one. As if by healing, I was also coming back apart, creating a distance between me and me.

I know that being/feeling like a stranger to myself is just one more way this IF journey is alienating. And this time, as I delve back into the fray, I want to do all I can to save myself from that loneliness. I want so badly not to lose my grip on my kateness, the silly parts, the loud laugh that surprises even me, the one who looks up at the clouds and does not always stay locked inside. I am thinking of hanging a life preserver on the fridge, to remind myself that I am worthy and not broken and not causing this struggle, that I am doing the best that I can.


So I am working on ways to remind myself who I really am, remind myself of the best parts of me as we go through this, whatever the THIS might turn out to be.

10 comments:

Nic said...

I do hate how this changes us. I hope you find Kate soon.

Sprogblogger said...

I like Kate-of-today, but I suspect Kate-of-days-gone-by was more carefree. I'm glad you're finding a bit of your joy again, and I hope it comes back, bit by bit, until you feel whole again.

Thinking of you.

Melissa said...

It really is amazing how much this process changes you. I too can barely remember the person I was when this all started. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.

just me, dawn said...

i think this process changes us forever....not necessarily for bad, but we will never be that clean slate of innocence in this area....but you will find your laugh again, you will look up at the clouds again....you just may appreciate everything a little more. hoping you find what you are searching for :)

Michele said...

I hear that....

Hang in there, dear one. Hang in...

twoweekwait said...

It must be in the air. I just blogged about the same type of thing. Trying to figure out who I am if I am not going to a mother. What my marriage is, etc.

I also have not ovulated my first cycle. Did they end up inducing a period for you? I'm on preogesterone now to try to get a period. It's very frustrating

alyssa said...

i love all the kates. but most, i love the kate who smiles and makes that big loud laugh.

meinsideout said...

Thank you - I feel quite similarly. I hate it. I wonder sometimes -how did I get here - I am so detached that I feel like I was not along for the ride.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said..thank you. This journey can take so much from us. It is important to remember who we are...infertility doesn't define us.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I am not eloquent with my words. I can only say that every Kate I have "met" here is beautiful inside and out. Thank you for sharing another insightful and mind altering post.