24 June 2009

non certainty

I am still not sure what the right thing to do is or will be. But, I think it is most likely I will cycle next month with my home team. Business travel is still uncertain, looks more likely that I will be at a show in San Diego in early August-- not SF in mid July so at least I can cycle next month. (It's a small company with ever shifting priorities so things may change a gazillion more times between now and then).

I am waiting to feel the YES I want to feel so I can know which way to go.
Maybe the absence of a no is what I'll have to work with instead. Choosing the closest to yes.

Even though as a creative person, uncertainty can be what creates new and different solutions and ideas... sometimes I really like clarity, I ache for it some times, feel wistful when I don't feel it for long stretches.... I like certainty too, that feeling of Yes, of knowing, of deciding, of ... well... clarity. And so little about this is any of those things.

When I think about the science of this, I am struck by the inexactness. By the fact that folks are driven more by statistics since there is very little else to go on, as with much of medicine. I know that if I consult with 10 different clinics I will probably get 10 different answers. So what does that tell me? Folks operate from their strengths and experience and are informed by their successes and failures. And while there is science that this is all based on, as I've said, there is also a shitload of luck involved and as far as I can tell, there is not much we can do to sway that tide one way or the other. We womenpeople are far from steadystate. One month might be a banner follicle month, the next, not so much. FSH goes up and down. One month a protocol might work that would not work the next or the one before.

So, where I am right now is where I am right now-- wishing I were being pulled by an inescapable, clear YES. But instead, some maybes, and one soon.

In the beginning of my 2 ww...hopeful.


K said...

And therein lies the issue. It's medicine...with all its lack of finite glory. The bottom line is they (the doctors) just don't know. And we.just.don't.know. And so it's ok, not to know. Ya know?

just me, dawn said...

i like concrete answers....A+B=C but this whole TTC game is nothing like a sure thing....we try our best and then we hope *sigh* it's ok not to be certain....just do your best :)

Anonymous said...

Uncertainty is the toughest part of this whole journey.

Good luck on your tww journey!

Elizabeth said...

Wishing good luck for you; good science and good luck and peaceful dreams of a clear, comfortable path forward. With love,

Michele said...

I'd give my arm for some certainty most days. If only, if only...

Fingers crossed for your 2ww. Really, really hoping!

Anonymous said...

It's like reading my own diary. I just don't know what to do. keep up with IVF or go DE.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Best of luck in your 2WW. I'm glad you have at least more information to helped you make a decision to stay with the home team if you have to. I'm also glad that your scheduling looks good for the next cycle. :-)

Jenn said...

Sweet Kate,

Oh the lovely uncertainty of dealing with IF.....It can make you crazy at times.

Rather than waiting for a yes or no answer, I have leaned more towards using a traffic light of sorts.

Sometimes I get a definite red light - sometimes I get a definite green light but more often than not, I get the dreaded yellow light.

How I HATE the yellow light - the "neither here nor there" answer!

Here's hoping you get your answer one way or another (hoping for green light though)