18 June 2009

weathervane, compass, map

My hCG is below 5, so I am officially no longer chemically pregnant. I am sadder than I expected. I expected relief of some sort, some sort of closure I guess, or There, now I can get on with it... But no, mostly I am just sad.

And in spite of the result, no IUI this month. It just is. It has been decreed. And to be honest, I mostly expected that too.

In the spirit of extending lovingkindness to ourselves and each other, for all us who are in need of a gentle and loving reminder of what hope feels like, and who have hopes of regaining some sort of direction in all of this sucking morass of crap that is IF land, run, do not walk to MeInsideOut's beautiful blog entry.

Here is a taste:
"I am going to tell that scared, alone, hurt, lost and crushed part of me that it will be okay, that I will take care of me, of us no matter what. I will be okay. no. matter. what."
Yes. That. Exactly. It was so darn easy to forget. Please go read her post, there is oh so much more in there than this.


Nic said...

I am sorry about your hsg and you feeling sad. It is understandable as although it is good things are getting back to how they were before, it is sad that it is all over, the confirmation must be hard. Remember to take your time, do not rush your emotions. Grieve this hsg and then put it in its own little space at the back of your mind and look forward to the future. Doesnt mean you will ever forget though.
Shame there is no IUI.
Take care Kate
Nic x

Anonymous said...

kate - you are so sweet and amazing - your honesty and ability to get in touch with what is inside makes think, really think every time I read your blog. It has made my life richer in these quiet moments.

This blogging world is such a comfort - this is a quiet moment with my dogs - one on each side of me on the couch and my cup of Godiva coffee - and I thought of Sprogger, her love for a good cuppa and I am hoping that this is it for her, that this is fucking it!

I remember after my first loss, I had to go back a handful of times until my hcg dropped and I kept hoping or thinking that they were wrong and that it would miraculously go back up. I felt so hollow and empty and sad when it was finally negative, even though the baby had been lost before that and even though I cried for what feels like years before that.


Michele said...

Oh Kate... I know, sweetie... I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in tears as I remember these feelings. I am just oh so very sorry.

Sending loving hugs...

What IF? said...

Kate, your strength in facing this tremendous loss head on, with all of its devastation, sadness and pain, has me in awe of you.

Although I don't comment every time, please know that I'm here, I'm reading, and I'm sitting with you. Today I'm crying about how helpless I feel to ease your pain and how unfair and impossible all of this is for one person to handle.

Your honesty, your hope, your selfless comments on my blog... you are simply an amazingly courageous woman.

You will be okay. No.matter.what.

Joannah said...

I'm sorry that you are sad. Everything will be all right. Just take it one day at a time - that's my motto these days.