carbs and cream cheese

I so love Jen Gray's post (the link in my last entry) I almost don't want to add an entry---

but I will, of course.

My sister is visiting this weekend with her boys which is balm on so many levels, even though I am so tired I am more newt-like than spry.

My belly is feeling and looking thick and pouchy- I look bloated, and, as my sister said, like I've had a few extra cheesecakes. It is funny since my weight is the same.  The tiredness remains profound. The blue has been blessedly distant and dim. Cramps are common, especially at night....and the queasy puts in enough of an appearance to remind me that all is not as it was.  I hate the taste of water unless it is hot or warm. I am blissfully free of the debilitating "morning" sickness that so many people have, and I am so lucky. But I admit, I am having a hard time with food in general.

I think I might have already written about this-- I had some food sensitivity tests back in January-- and have been off of all wheat, eggs and dairy since then-- I already had food limitations after a lifetime of colitisy stuff and some limitations by choice from growing up on a farm. So these new limitations basically took away all I was used to eating- bread, cheese, pasta, eggs in various forms and combinations...

Of course I dropped  a quick 10 pounds and felt lighter (ok except for my new cheesecake belly) and miss those foods with a longing that can only be described as pathological.

But, I feel so much better- only one colitis attack since removing those new things from my diet- one. And that one was the day of my IUI where I felt nothing but distress and anxiety beyond what my body could handle. Otherwise- I have been so much better it is undeniable.

I am used to managing my colitis by food limiting based on testing and verification through elimination diets  (no onions, no broccoli, cabbage, corn, kale, or anything related. no beans of any kind except tofu (not edamame). no peanuts. no flax seeds). I had limits from my farm upbringing: no red meat, no pork. Nothing I would not be willing to kill (of course under duress).  And sadly I've never liked fish and seafood. Ok, except for lobster which I love but it is hardly a staple food. 

But even with all of those limitations, there were so many other things I loved so much I did not really miss the things I was avoiding and I avoided them for years and years with sufficient improvement to keep me avoiding them. But I still had colitis, often, sometimes very often, so I also took peppermint oil capsules which helped a lot, Inderal which helped with situational anxiety which sometimes helped my belly. But there was enough going on early this year-- colitis, infertility--to warrant retesting.

Since then it has been a challenging eating time between my previous limits and my new ones. I have found some substitutions- rice pasta for example. But oh I miss real pasta. I miss baked goods. And oh I miss cheese. Sadly, even soy cheese has casein in it (one of the milk proteins I am supposed to avoid). Gosh I miss pizza. 

Here is what I want- thick slices of homemade bread with blackberry jam, or a slab of cheddar cheese.  I want to eat a bagel with a block of cream cheese.  I miss toast enough to feel teary and nostalgic. Oh snickerdoodles.

In these past few weeks I have had a really hard time imagining what to eat. My interest in food has fallen off. But I promise am eating really really really well. I eat a lot of chicken. I eat a lot of rice. I have plenty of salady things. And have been eating fruit. But while I am eating well, I am not eating happily. My only cravings are for unsafe foods. 

I need to say I love food. LOVE it. I'm a food lover from way back. Food brings me pleasure and joy and it is the oddest thing to feel so meh about it. So Eh. So so whatty. Not so muchy. I am not used to food just being fuel.

In my natural state I am such a wheat-based carbivore. With a liberal sprinkling of sugar, butter and cheese. This new world is like being in salad-land, wondering how the hell I will curb my craving for cream cheese. But since my belly already looks like I've indulged in multiple cheesecakes, maybe it is better this way. Maybe it is better that these things are off my list. But gosh darn, how I miss them.