I am all emotionally fuddled, find myself feeling perpetually chemically altered (sorry baby!), and really really wish this were different. I am sad, grieving in a way, trying to figure out how to fix it. I find I am working hard at trying to help, trying trying trying, and what I really need to do is to give myself permission to stop.
I can still work hard and in the best interest of the company, but I can stop trying to fix something that it is not in my power to fix. This is not a mess of my making.
Honestly, this whole thing showcases my residual and ancient disfunction in the most embarrassing way-- the most codependent bullshit dance I dance is this one. I am so much bigger than this. And it is impossibly hard to see this old me doing this old dance one more time.
My sweet sister gave me a really helpful pep talk last night, encouraging me, and letting me know she thinks I am almost ready to let this feeling of co-responsibility go. And I know I will feel lighter. Last week was a preview- I felt detached, but not absent. I need to get there again.
NLP includes a technique where you imagine a frame around the person causing distress, imagine zooming out, imagine turning down the volume... making the immediate experience a little more distant like watching TV.
I need to remember the self protecting skills I have, and remember to use them. The most important thing here is not to FIX THIS but to hold myself apart-- yes, protect myself--including against my own impossible expectations and ancient habits and tapelooping brain.
I remember lying in bed many nights after Jeff's death, wishing I could just shut off my brain. I was harming myself with my brain tape loops, hurting myself over and over... I learned to say STOP, right out loud, and to see a big stop sign. And repeat that as often as I had to. Sometimes it took what felt like a million tries.
But the intention here is really important, and I need to reinstate that technique, albeit more quietly. I am harming myself by trying so hard to fix this, by thinking and thinking and thinking...
(shhhh, katekate, hush).
hear me, me: You have permission to let this go. You are bigger than this.
How about you? If you could let one thing go today, one thing that is weighing you down, gobbling or nibbling away at your lifeforce, what would it be?
*** updated message for us all to hear from a great comment from It is what it is:
Also, think about the abundant space that will be created in your heart, mind, and consciousness for other, more life affirming things, if you let this thing go...
Ohh my, THANK YOU. Yes, you are SO RIGHT.