09 June 2010

permission

I am so tired of this work thing-- it's like a long, drawn-out breakup.
I am all emotionally fuddled, find myself feeling perpetually chemically altered (sorry baby!), and really really wish this were different. I am sad, grieving in a way, trying to figure out how to fix it. I find I am working hard at trying to help, trying trying trying, and what I really need to do is to give myself permission to stop.

Just stop.

I can still work hard and in the best interest of the company, but I can stop trying to fix something that it is not in my power to fix. This is not a mess of my making.

Honestly, this whole thing showcases my residual and ancient disfunction in the most embarrassing way-- the most codependent bullshit dance I dance is this one. I am so much bigger than this. And it is impossibly hard to see this old me doing this old dance one more time.

My sweet sister gave me a really helpful pep talk last night, encouraging me, and letting me know she thinks I am almost ready to let this feeling of co-responsibility go. And I know I will feel lighter. Last week was a preview- I felt detached, but not absent. I need to get there again.

NLP includes a technique where you imagine a frame around the person causing distress, imagine zooming out, imagine turning down the volume... making the immediate experience a little more distant like watching TV.

I need to remember the self protecting skills I have, and remember to use them. The most important thing here is not to FIX THIS but to hold myself apart-- yes, protect myself--including against my own impossible expectations and ancient habits and tapelooping brain.

I remember lying in bed many nights after Jeff's death, wishing I could just shut off my brain. I was harming myself with my brain tape loops, hurting myself over and over... I learned to say STOP, right out loud, and to see a big stop sign. And repeat that as often as I had to. Sometimes it took what felt like a million tries.

But the intention here is really important, and I need to reinstate that technique, albeit more quietly. I am harming myself by trying so hard to fix this, by thinking and thinking and thinking...

(shhhh, katekate, hush).
hear me, me: You have permission to let this go. You are bigger than this.


How about you? If you could let one thing go today, one thing that is weighing you down, gobbling or nibbling away at your lifeforce, what would it be?

*** updated message for us all to hear from a great comment from It is what it is:
Also, think about the abundant space that will be created in your heart, mind, and consciousness for other, more life affirming things, if you let this thing go...

Ohh my, THANK YOU. Yes, you are SO RIGHT.

8 comments:

It is what it is said...

Also, think about the abundant space that will be created in your heart, mind, and consciousness for other, more life affirming things, if you let this thing go...

alyssa said...

sweet kate, where do i begin on this topic? this broken record in your head? my head? my whole life?

as you know, i also churn. all the medication i'm on is little help--i have spent lots of hours discussing this with the doctor, and the whole "thinking too much" thing, he says, is the one activity docs/meds really hard time getting rid of. he says it's because it's enjoyable in a way, like picking at a scab. that resonates. sometimes i actually have to physically stop what i'm doing and change direction--get engrossed in a movie, nap, take a bath. anything i can do to turn my brain down. exercise does not work here, thoughts churn with each step, pounding the details into place.

if i could let go of one thing today? this day has been filled with such an elephant of a disturbing thought about my life, it's everywhere, in all the nooks and crannies. i praise modern medicine for not letting this particular unsettling fact move deep into my soul. if my medication wasn't working i'd be unhinged. so i can't actually let go of anything today, but i can remind myself that i'm doing all i can to keep my mood from plunging. that's all i can do. i'm going to go watch a movie

Sprogblogger's mom said...

The stop sign has always worked for me. But, Dear Kate, you also must keep in mind that "you can only do what you can do!" It is what it is is absolutely right and your job now is to fill that space in your heart and soul with everything wonderful in your life NOW, especially your husband and your miracle babe! You are strong and capable and I know you can turn
this into something good.

meinsideout said...

fixing stuff drains me sometimes- you are amazing

Jem said...

I would let go of this idea that the world, my life, my marriage, my fertility is "supposed" to be a certain way that it isn't.

I have tried so many methods to stop the churn, including booze, TV, podcasts spooned into my ear at night when I couldn't sleep.

Instead of focusing on "accepting" what is going on, I choose to just "be" with it. Without judgment. And then I have the space to figure out my feelings.

K said...

Sorry I have been absent from your blog,(sleep deprivation thing) but i am catching up. I am sorry to hear about the work situation and all of the crap that comes along with it. But...so happy to hear your pregnancy sounds so wonderful. I took claritin too. It was a lifesaver.

DaisyGal said...

wow, I truly WANT you to give yourself that permission, to be able to move on and UP knowing that you are soo much better than this situation. FOR SURE.

I wish I could worry less, my fear of abandonment (My dad dying so early in his life and suddenly) so that I could enjoy my life instead of being afraid of being happy for fear that the other shoe will fall. That's what I wish I could let go of....the constant feeling that somthing bad is coming.

Looking forward to more hopeful and happy post from you as you LET IT GO!!!! wonderful woman. :)

It is what it is said...

And, you are VERY welcome.

It is something that I've come to learn during my struggle deciding what, if anything, to do about adding a sibling to our family. For two years it consumed 70% of my waking thoughts...what to do, when to do it, how to do it, what affect it will have, what affect not doing it will have, the affect on my son, my own desires, where is my husband in it, what do I really want and why, do we adopt, should I get pregnant, what about donated embryos, but what about my incompetent cervix, but oh how I want to mother a newborn again, and on and on and on. And, when I finally let it go, the universe has filled me up in ways that make me feel, hmmm, well, more content.

And that is what I wish for you...to be content.