13 June 2010

20 weeks

Today I am at 20 weeks.
I rediscover my pregnancy each morning. I wake up, and in my stillness, I am unaware. Even with the fluttery good mornings of elbows and feet, I am not aware of the immensity of it. Or, in fact, the immensity of me.
I am awed, and hopeful, and now, expectant. I moved into a realm where I expect things to be ok. And I need to believe that with all of my heart.

After so much time in hibernation, I finally decided to spend some time catching up with blogs and almost immediately found such sad things I could not continue. SciFibaby, Brooke who was just about where I am, lost her baby on May 17th.

I am horrified always at the thought of loss, anytime, to anyone-- but to have it happen to someone cycling exactly the schedule as I was, running a parallel course of wonder and awe? I am simply floored.

And then there is hope to be celebrated and supported, sweet Joannah is doing a hope-filled FET this month with the two embryos she created with her now deceased and always beloved husband.

I hate the fragility of all of this.
Yes, in the fragility there is beauty, but there is also such fear.
I don't like that part.
I don't like feeling so vulnerable and powerless and afraid that Bad Things Will Happen.
I have been sitting here since, hand on my belly, feeling movement inside and out, knowing (hoping) all is well in this moment.
Then a well-intentioned search on previa scared the shit out of me.


yeah. Wish I hadn't done that.
I need to get my feet back under me. So, katekate, step Away from the computer. Stop trying. Just be.
And breathe some more.
Happy 20 weeks little one. Here's to 20 more UNEVENTFUL NONSCARY ORDINARY weeks with lots of reassuring knocks and wiggles.


Michele said...

praying for the same...

sprogblogger said...

No, you can stay on the computer, just keep away from Doc Google. He really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Whereas we all do - happy 20 weeks, indeed, and here's to 20 more boring weeks to come.

Thinking of you and of your little one. Wishing peace and calmness for you.

Kate said...

Hope the previa stays clinically silent and resolves before you give birth. No scares for my kate, please!

Circus Princess said...

Congrats on 20 weeks, and wishes for a smooth second half!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

May the second 20 weeks be uneventful and more enjoyable, more fear-free than the first 20.

Nic said...

OMG, I cant believe you are 20 weeks already!! That is great!

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and you continue to rediscover your pregnancy. That must be an amazing feeling!!

Nic x

DaisyGal said...

20 weeks!!!! YIPPEE!!!

I am wishing you lots of Good things and uneventful second half to this pregnancy. That you know only HAPPINESS and JOY from now.

(when I came back to the blog world after my preg, bedrest and having twins, I too was stopped by all the hurt and loss in the blogosphere and it made me QUIET for a long time...I know exactly how you feel...like you're afraid to breathe. But hang in there...we are hanging in with you!!!)

Melissa said...

What a milestone!! Hoping the next 20 weeks goes beautifully.

babyinterrupted said...

Happy 20 weeks; doesn't it seem surreal to be halfway? Who knew that time could drag by endlessly and then seem to have disappeared in an instant. Here's hoping for a blessedly boring 20 weeks to come. :)

Joannah said...

Thanks for sending love my way.

You're halfway there! It's amazing!!!

Michelle said...

Well, well, well. I stumbled upon your blog when I recognized your profile photo on ImpatientKate's blog. I seem to think you're from the old Babycenter, yes?

In any case, I read your history. Twenty weeks is such a milestone for anyone, especially after all that you and DH have been through. It sounds like you're enjoying every single moment. We women have great jobs, huh?

Kristin said...

Kate, I'm so with you on the previa research scare...I did the same thing after my 18 wk ultrasound showed signs of previa. And then I saw my OB who immediately said (with her palms metaphorically holding my cheeks steady in her gaze), "Do not do more research on this right now. It is HIGHLY likely that the placenta will migrate. I can't tell you how often I see that succession happen."

So lets hope you're in the often category on this one. :) (I turned out to be)

Sending love,

Anonymous said...

yay for 20 weeks!!