01 September 2009

11dpo

Happy september everyone-- I am glad to be in the countdown of unfortunate anniversaries and just want to be on the other side of all of this.
I am not (ordinarily) a wish my life away person-- but this season has been particularly shitty and yes, I am holding out for mid september.

I am tired to the bone. Allergies? depression? long term hormonal flux? not sure-- want to say maybe pregnancy? but then I'll just be blowing sunshine up my own skirt and even with all of my yoga that would be quite a stretch. I did go to my GP last week and said I know it is probably depression, but can you just check me for other obvious issues that could cause this immense fatigue- and she and I talked for nearly 45 minutes, and she took a lot of blood and agreed with me, that it is most probably depression-- well earned I might add-- and that it is still worth ruling out other causes. Bless her. No results yet, but I feel better having asked.

No interest in food and it tastes weird or bad when I do eat. No cramping to speak of, no sore breasts, no thing... but tired, and headachy, broken out and emotionally tender-- oh right! these could all be pms. But the food thing is weird. and I am not a headache person and this is day 3 of this headache.

I will not pee on a stick until the end of the week I think, or maybe I will let my temperature tell the story.

My period is due saturday (but oh, remember the fun we had last month? so who the heck knows...) so I asked my clinic if the holiday weekend mattered for CD2 baseline stuff and they said go right ahead and call on day 1, you'll get a scan day 2-- might be up north, might be manchester, but there will be a scan. I already have half my meds (from last cycle's shortened stim portion of the program)-- so no delay there.

But, in the mean time
today is gloriously beautiful- and last night's moon! The shadows were so dark, the woods look so magical in moonlight-- bright as noon but monochromatic, dreamlike. It was still and chilly made me think of apples and falling leaves. But all is not beautiful, I also get a weird stomach clenching school dread when the temperature cools. What the hell is that??

My most recent 10 seconds of nowness and joy: fondling a ripe peach-- it is heavier than I would expect, ready to be eaten. It is pure yellow at the stem, falling to freckled amber on one side, burgundy on the other, the peach fuzz is pollen colored, a dusty yellow. I am trying to decide if I am ready to give it a try, fearing/expecting I will hate the way it tastes... yeah, so not very affirming but very very true. I usually love peaches but my tastebuds have been thoroughly hijacked.

Acupuncture tonight after a week off while they went on vacation- hoping for balance and a good night's sleep with no tortured dreams. It goes without saying that tortured dreams, no matter how fascinating and creative, truly suck rocks. I feel hungover from last night's epic trauma/drama dream, dogged, draggy. Ok people, off to step outside and stand in the sunshine and eat the peach.

9 comments:

Michele said...

fondling a peach... have you ever been down south? the peaches are the most delicious, most perfect. they are one of the few things i miss living "up north". my mom offered to send me a bushel but I know they'd just get damaged...

i am crossing my fingers for the test at the end of the week... hoping that the food aversion and headache are "signs"...

i am glad that you spoke to your doctor about how you are feeling so that you can work out a plan. depression, even well earned, is nothing to fuck with. whatever can be done to help you, even if it is simply more yoga!, can make all the difference.

sending big hugs...

IVF 40+ said...

Ah hon. Since we are no longer in the firefly season how about I send you some lovely crisp apple thoughts. Nothing more happy than a crisp apple.
Hoping it is pregnancy and hoping I am next!

Sprogblogger said...

Hoping with you that this is all indicating something good. I miss peaches warm from the tree more than almost anything about farm life. I swan, I have not had a good peach since moving to NY. *sigh* Hope your peach was marvelous, and hurrah for September. I'm right there with you. Besides, Autumn is my favorite time of year, even if it didn't come right after my least favorite time of year. Perhaps those two things are related...

Be well, my friend. Thinking of you and hoping.

B. said...

Nothing beats a perfectly ripe peach. I hope it lived up to the anticipation and your taste buds cooperated. Symptoms and signs can be somewhat maddening, but maybe, just maybe... I am holding out hope for you and this cycle. Take good care of yourself. Happy autumn!

Kate said...

Happy September. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you this cycle.

I'm glad you now are talking to someone to help you battle the feelings of depression. I think its absolutely normal considering all that you have been through, and the journey you are on. Still, despite that, its beautiful how you can appreciate and see the beauty that surrounds you.

Jenn said...

My dear Kate,

oh to take the first bite of a perfectly ripe peach - holding it in your hand, feeling the soft fuzz - the soft flesh gives way and that lovely sweet juice runs down your chin before you can catch it.

Yum!!!

I hope that all that fatigue lifts soon. Glad to hear you had it looked into either way.

Just know we are here for you!

Be gentle with yourself - sending you soft & sweet hugs hon(some babydust too)

meinsideout said...

I hope you are feeling okay...thinking of you.

Melissa said...

Thinking of you this cycle and hoping for the best!

Phoebe said...

I wish I could do something to lift your spirits, but at times, I am as down as you. Blowing some sunshine your way!!