11dpo

Happy september everyone-- I am glad to be in the countdown of unfortunate anniversaries and just want to be on the other side of all of this.
I am not (ordinarily) a wish my life away person-- but this season has been particularly shitty and yes, I am holding out for mid september.

I am tired to the bone. Allergies? depression? long term hormonal flux? not sure-- want to say maybe pregnancy? but then I'll just be blowing sunshine up my own skirt and even with all of my yoga that would be quite a stretch. I did go to my GP last week and said I know it is probably depression, but can you just check me for other obvious issues that could cause this immense fatigue- and she and I talked for nearly 45 minutes, and she took a lot of blood and agreed with me, that it is most probably depression-- well earned I might add-- and that it is still worth ruling out other causes. Bless her. No results yet, but I feel better having asked.

No interest in food and it tastes weird or bad when I do eat. No cramping to speak of, no sore breasts, no thing... but tired, and headachy, broken out and emotionally tender-- oh right! these could all be pms. But the food thing is weird. and I am not a headache person and this is day 3 of this headache.

I will not pee on a stick until the end of the week I think, or maybe I will let my temperature tell the story.

My period is due saturday (but oh, remember the fun we had last month? so who the heck knows...) so I asked my clinic if the holiday weekend mattered for CD2 baseline stuff and they said go right ahead and call on day 1, you'll get a scan day 2-- might be up north, might be manchester, but there will be a scan. I already have half my meds (from last cycle's shortened stim portion of the program)-- so no delay there.

But, in the mean time
today is gloriously beautiful- and last night's moon! The shadows were so dark, the woods look so magical in moonlight-- bright as noon but monochromatic, dreamlike. It was still and chilly made me think of apples and falling leaves. But all is not beautiful, I also get a weird stomach clenching school dread when the temperature cools. What the hell is that??

My most recent 10 seconds of nowness and joy: fondling a ripe peach-- it is heavier than I would expect, ready to be eaten. It is pure yellow at the stem, falling to freckled amber on one side, burgundy on the other, the peach fuzz is pollen colored, a dusty yellow. I am trying to decide if I am ready to give it a try, fearing/expecting I will hate the way it tastes... yeah, so not very affirming but very very true. I usually love peaches but my tastebuds have been thoroughly hijacked.

Acupuncture tonight after a week off while they went on vacation- hoping for balance and a good night's sleep with no tortured dreams. It goes without saying that tortured dreams, no matter how fascinating and creative, truly suck rocks. I feel hungover from last night's epic trauma/drama dream, dogged, draggy. Ok people, off to step outside and stand in the sunshine and eat the peach.