15 September 2009

breathing into a bag

Um, yeah, so, I am trying to manage my anxiety by humming quietly and rocking.
Hmmmmm hmmm hmmm
rock
rock
rock

Trigger tonight at 9, ER (egg retrieval) thursday morning at 8. ET (embryo transfer), if all goes well, on Monday. Still scared out of my wits that something will go wrong and no eggs will get retrieved like last time.
Finally touched base with the finance folks at the hospital...
and found one IM needle in my bag-o-tricks
and
gosh. this is really something.

Pundalina, and K are just about exactly on my schedule, and sweet Traci is coming up soon if her cyst will let her get on with things.

You know how you hope for a pony, more than anything you want a pony, then maybe you get a pony and you're all like HOLY SHIT! A PONY! I feel kind of like that, please IVF IVF IVF? and then suddenly IVF! And I am all holy shit! IVF! so I am not sure what this means about my personality, I sure as hell hope I am not better and wishing than having, otherwise the next, say, 40 years or so should be interesting. I think it is more that I am used to wanting and not entirely used to getting/having/keeping (although I would like to get used to it), and I am simply not used to having the good thing happen when I get to the crossroads and it could go one way or the other.
This journey has been far from affirming.

So,
rock, rock, rocking.
and la la la mmmmmmm la la

And, sincerely, thank you so much for all of your kind words and support!

13 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Hi Kate -- been thinking of you and am so excited about the potential for this cycle! At the risk of offering assvice: does the hospital where you are offer acpuncture right b/f and after transfer? In the studies I read it was supposed to be helpful; I had it and it was certainly relaxing and familiar, which was nice in the context of all the emotion, unfamiliar.

Anyway. Thanks for your kind thougths and comments on the Liam blog. We're a mess, of course, at least I am, but must figure out how to go on. The thing is, I know that the anticipation of the losses, all the small ones and then the big one, is awful; and as awful as it is I want to say, well, maybe this part, the watching someone else's pain and experiencing some small part of it with them, and thinking about the lonely future, maybe this is the worst part. But I know it isn't.

Love to you, I found the whole growing embryos in a dish and then transfer part other-wordly to say the least. I hope very, very much you get that experience this month!
Elizabeth

Illanare said...

Will keep sending positive, "this is THE time" vibes in your direction.

IVF 40+ said...

good luck, kate! here's to a bumper crop and a wonderful result.
EB

Billy said...

So exciting!
Hope you get lots of nice eggies!

Jem said...

Take lots of deep, deep breaths, and try not to hyperventilate!

I'm so very excited for you!

BTW, how are you counting your cycle days? AFTER taking BCPs? When you start stimming? I'm a bit confused.

Thanks, Jem.

meinsideout said...

Yay!!! I am so excited for you!

Kate said...

go you! Congrats on making it to your IVF trigger! I felt so much better when I was told retrieval was on (and I'd called the RE emergency line at 7:30pm to find out why exactly I was to trigger that night and not the next), after having been cancelled at that point the month before.
Can't wait to hear how it goes.

Mad Hatter said...

OH, this is so fantastic! I am so happy for you, dear Kate...It just feels so right that this is happening for you right now. Hope the 9 o'clock trigger went well!
Love,
Maddy

K said...

Hi...just popping in to say best wishes. Hope your trigger went well tonight. I will likely be out of commission tomorrow night before your retrieval, so I just wanted to let you know now that I'll be thinking happy thoughts for you, full sacs o' eggs, and a successful IVF this round. May we all celebrate together one day.
Love,
K

Sarah said...

well theoretical ivf and reality ivf are two very different animals. and you've been away from reality ivf for a while now so holy shit IVF! makes a lot of sense. it's just another reminder than you're a smart and reasonable person :)

best of luck to you!!!!!

Jem said...

Kate,

Thanks for answering my question regarding CD numbering on my blog. I too am on an antagonist protocol, but they are having me do BCPs before stimming.

Wow, we sure put a huge amount of faith in our RE's and their decisions, don't we? Hoping their MD degrees and years of experience will translate into the perfect cocktail of drugs, horomones, and other messy bodily fluids that will result in a little life at the end. Most people think "wow, birth is miraculous, isn't it?" Try doing along with a team of medical professionals!

It's always interesting to compare notes, but not get too wrapped up on "she's doing x, why aren't I?" bullshit. Medically we all have our own path.

Emotionally, I can totally relate to the "Holy shit! IVF!" sentiment. OMG, is this really happening? Yes it is! Buckle your seatbelts girls and boys. We have blast-off!

Jem

Jenn said...

My sweet friend,

I am sitting next to you - holding your hand and humming right along with ya......la la la...di di da dum.

Hugs and loads of positive energy!

Michele said...

rocking back and forth with you and saying "holy shit" just as loud. cant wait to be saying it because there's a bfp to be overjoyed with you for!