24 September 2009


feeling a little scared that maybe my little stars did not make it

wondering about what is happening in there, wishing I could feel it happening, feel it working

knowing there is no way to know, not now, not yet

reveling in being a little more calm and centered for whatever magical combination of reasons

hoping that I can stay calm no matter what the outcome, that this will work, and if it does not, that it will not break me

dreaming about week after next, a week off from work, a week of art and writing and tea and being outside and breathing and living at the pace of my own making

finding myself finding myself over and over, oh! I say, there I am! and that feels pretty darn good each and every time, like finding a beach stone in your pocket that you picked up warm from the sun, that is now warm from your body. You forget, go looking for keys or change, and then, your fingers find warm worn smooth. It is not so much that it was lost, just unattended to.

being-- yeah, this one is both the most effortless and the most effort-full, be-ing. So hard for someone so used to the do-ing.

An owl was perched on a dead branch on a high tree at the edge of our clearing this morning. I watched it watch dragonflies.


Pundelina said...

Thinking of you and your twinkles.


Megan said...

beautiful post. Best of luck.

Searching for Serenity said...

beautiful and poetic.

distance hasn't stopped me from thinking about you. sending lots of caring and calming vibes.

Anonymous said...

This is the WORST part of the 2ww - I am thinking of you.

Barefoot said...

Gorgeous post, and completely evocative of what a strange time the 2ww is. I'm really pulling for you!!

Kate said...

I've been offline for a couple days, but am so glad to hear you had 5 to transfer! Hope you have a fantastic trip and a great beta waiting for you when you get home.
Here's hoping I can stay as calm as you!

IVF 40+ said...

lovely post. an inside out post. thinking of you

K said...

and yes. Except I like finding money in my pocket that I forgot about. You must be leaving soon? Gosh, I can't imagine being gone during the 2ww but sounds like a great place to be for it anyway.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you and your little stars and sending love. I hope your trip is fantastic and amazing and full of finding that you are youself. With love,

Anonymous said...

Hoping your little stars are shining bright in there - I just saw a shooting star here and I think that is a sign - maybe one taking up residence for the duration?! Remember at this point you have done it all, now just get through these 2 weeks!

Michele said...

Oh Kate... I am just hoping and praying! Lots of warm thoughts!

Sarah said...

Finally finding my blogs here from the hospital bed and so excited to hear you made it to transfer!!!!! FIVE?!?!?! Wow!! I so hope the lucky one (or two) who will eventually call you mom is snuggling in there!