10 September 2009

this and that

Work is nutty, my apologies for the quiet, but I am buried there and flat out and done done by the time I crawl home.

Done with day 3 of stims today, 1 honking purple bruise, otherwise ok. Ultrasound and bloodwork early tomorrow so this cycle does not run away like last time- here's hoping for fine progress and timely monitoring.

The realizations I alluded to are not very poetic, but I realized that I have tools I can use that work when I am freaking out or feeling blue, I just forget. It is as if I think something *new* will work better. I forget that what I can do does work. I also remembered I am wiser than I think. Sometimes it is as simple as asking myself, what's my gut feeling? Sometimes I need to get into the woods, move through space, hike, sometimes I need to call Elma and get balanced with her magical energy, sometimes I just need to write to Karen. Sometimes I need to be picked up and hugged tightly.

So I decided not to continue to speak with Patricia for now. Thinking about talking with her again was making me feel more overwhelmed rather than less.

And I know I will not be doing IVF at Shady Grove with my eggs, but very likely will with donor eggs, so I canceled my consult for IVF, deciding that that time/effort would be better spent at a clinic I am truly considering. Like Chicago.

I realized I am going to have to play it by ear next week, play it day by day with the wondrous art workshop. I want to know I can attend and stay, but I might not be able to go at all, or go for long, or go and stay... and I simply cannot know ahead of time any dang bit of it so I need to stay flexible. And I need to give myself permission to do or not do, to go or not go, to stay or not stay. And also, to know I may be there and not attend classes, and that can be ok too if I let it.


And, I realized that no matter how flexible I am, I am pretty sure I should cancel my Maine trip in early October since it is exactly the wrong time no matter what the outcome of this cycle, positive, negative or whatever. So. There. That sucks and I am disappointed, but I do not see myself getting ultrasounds up there, or driving around trying to find a clinic an hour or two away...so I will run away with Tammy some other weekend to try to make up for it at least a little. I value my time with her so much.

And I had a session with my sweet friend Karen- who is wonderful, intuitive, a great coach, smart as hell, a terrific friend, and she just simply gets me. To say it helped would be an understatement.


Soooo being back on the IVFy horse sucks, simply having to be on it sucks, and hoping so much that this will just work, but feeling pretty darn jaded/cynical at this moment. Hope and cynicism, the new reeses peanut butter cup.

14 comments:

Mad Hatter said...

Hey! You got hope in my cynicism! ;-) Katie girl, it sounds like you are making excellent and true-to-yourself decisions! I tip my hat to you for being so wise, and I shall think of you tomorrow morning as we both do the blood and u/s thing!
Love,
Maddy

Megan said...

Hope and cynicism pretty much sums up my existence!

Kate said...

Thinking of you and hoping everything works out. I hope you are feeling better.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I hope you see good results tomorrow morning and that all systems are...

A OK
Good to go
On the mark

I completely get it. How you can't plan more than a few weeks in advance, it's so frustrating. I'm there myself. I'm the wishy-washy-can't-commit-to-anything-girl because lord knows I may have a hot date with the dildocam and I mean, who would want to miss that excitement?

Pundelina said...

I hope your appointment goes/went well. Not sure what our time difference is, so maybe you're in there right now.

Crossing my fingers and hoping like mad for you sweet-Kate.

alyssa said...

love you kate, and crossing fingers as well

Sprogblogger said...

Sounds to me like you're making good - though hard - decisions. It also sounds like you're living life as fully as you can around the damned inconvenience that IS ivf. Do what you can, and try not to get too stressed about what you can't do (or don't have the energy for).

Thinking of you, hoping to be just a few weeks behind you. Be well, my friend.

daves51 said...

Hey Kate,

Life is short--how well we both know. Go to Squam if only for one day. You know you want to, you know you need to and I know you will discover new wonders, make new friends and be rejuvenated. Do it for you.

A big hug,

d.

Mo and Will said...

hey kate,

checking in on you - sorry it's been a while. good to catch up with how you're doing. : )

Mo

Barefoot said...

Wishing you luck for everything this cycle (including a minumum of bruises)!

Jenn said...

Sending you some positive energy, thoughts and love!

(oh...and a HUGE hug too)

(((((((((((Kate)))))))))))))))))

Grade A said...

Dearest Kate,

Sending you strength and hope and humor and art (in all its forms). That cynicism? A natural defense mechanism whose ass I hope gets kicked very soon.

M

meinsideout said...

It does sound like you are wading through quite a bit - I hope you are finding time to nurture yourself.

I love Maine - I have only been there once and it was to elope in Kennebunkport - must me and Mr. M.

Michele said...

As always... such a beautiful post. I thought "Poor Kate!" as I read about your bruises... They definitely make you think about everything, dont they? They are just visual reminders. I used to get angry sometimes... They just reminded me of what I had to do to try and be "like everyone else".

Crossing my fingers and sending big hugs...