this and that

Work is nutty, my apologies for the quiet, but I am buried there and flat out and done done by the time I crawl home.

Done with day 3 of stims today, 1 honking purple bruise, otherwise ok. Ultrasound and bloodwork early tomorrow so this cycle does not run away like last time- here's hoping for fine progress and timely monitoring.

The realizations I alluded to are not very poetic, but I realized that I have tools I can use that work when I am freaking out or feeling blue, I just forget. It is as if I think something *new* will work better. I forget that what I can do does work. I also remembered I am wiser than I think. Sometimes it is as simple as asking myself, what's my gut feeling? Sometimes I need to get into the woods, move through space, hike, sometimes I need to call Elma and get balanced with her magical energy, sometimes I just need to write to Karen. Sometimes I need to be picked up and hugged tightly.

So I decided not to continue to speak with Patricia for now. Thinking about talking with her again was making me feel more overwhelmed rather than less.

And I know I will not be doing IVF at Shady Grove with my eggs, but very likely will with donor eggs, so I canceled my consult for IVF, deciding that that time/effort would be better spent at a clinic I am truly considering. Like Chicago.

I realized I am going to have to play it by ear next week, play it day by day with the wondrous art workshop. I want to know I can attend and stay, but I might not be able to go at all, or go for long, or go and stay... and I simply cannot know ahead of time any dang bit of it so I need to stay flexible. And I need to give myself permission to do or not do, to go or not go, to stay or not stay. And also, to know I may be there and not attend classes, and that can be ok too if I let it.

And, I realized that no matter how flexible I am, I am pretty sure I should cancel my Maine trip in early October since it is exactly the wrong time no matter what the outcome of this cycle, positive, negative or whatever. So. There. That sucks and I am disappointed, but I do not see myself getting ultrasounds up there, or driving around trying to find a clinic an hour or two away...so I will run away with Tammy some other weekend to try to make up for it at least a little. I value my time with her so much.

And I had a session with my sweet friend Karen- who is wonderful, intuitive, a great coach, smart as hell, a terrific friend, and she just simply gets me. To say it helped would be an understatement.


Soooo being back on the IVFy horse sucks, simply having to be on it sucks, and hoping so much that this will just work, but feeling pretty darn jaded/cynical at this moment. Hope and cynicism, the new reeses peanut butter cup.