02 September 2009

12dpo, all things old are new again. kind of.

The peach?
MAGNIFICENT.

And eating it took a lot longer than 10 seconds and included juice dripping down my chin.


I am interested in memory, how it shifts, and how I re-discover things, see things as if for the first time, have Ah Ha! moments that I have had before and forgotten, reached conclusions I have reached before without realizing I am tracing the same paths over and over. I think OK now I KNOW something, but do I really? I forget it, put it aside, then find it again later and think OK! Now I ....
Yeah well.

Ahh the thrill of rediscovery. I think I might be doing that with my IVF clinic search. I might be searching and researching just to talk myself out of it. Fear of work disruption, fear of logistical complexity, fear of failure at a place with a better track record and a bigger price tag. Gosh darn.

I've done this before, and not too long ago-- my CCRM and Boston IVF consultations.

So--this time? Shady Grove: IVF until 43 y 11months. Hear ye hear ye
and 9,500 per cycle (since I am too old for shared risk, that ends at 39 for all you youngsters out there). Their stats are *fine*, not sure they are good enough to make me change clinics but I will go ahead and have a phone consult (sept 21st).
DE: Their shared DE program that I am interested in is their 1:3 (one donor per 3 recipients)-- 29,000 for 6 cycles, live take home baby or your money back. You can opt out at any time and get your money back if you just burn out. Max age? 51.

(none of this includes my meds or pretesting of course).

IVF New jersey is sending an info packet in lieu of answering my question more directly about eligibility (age limits) and costs for both IVF and DE.

Chicago AFC is next. (Thanks Onward!)

See, for me it is not just about stats, (they matter a LOT), it is about life too-- how to keep my boss happy while I try to do this surreptitiously (9 people in the company, the boss is The Boss), and also how to do this in a way that makes sense considering Everything. Ideally, I would be able to let this be my full time job- do this thing with all my time and energy, including resting and not always striving and panicking. But in real life, it is only one of the things I am doing. Which I hate, but is real.

Anyway, as I said, it is not just about stats, it is about logistics and finances and tradeoffs of time and travel and money and stats, and it is also about the experience I will have there. I wish I could be all clinical about this, but I am not, I am kate. I am tender and want to feel cared for and about. So this matters to me too.

But all of this is for later (not much later necessarily, but later). Next cycle we'll do a medicated cycle here-- with IVF as the intent, IUI as the backup. Hope the cysts are gone. My darlin' wants to give it a real go here and so do I, since we have not had a real IVF yet, not really, the first IVF was canceled with no eggs retrieved, the second canceled late stim with a lead follicle and was converted to an IUI that worked! for a while! with heartbeat! then we lost the pregnancy and my heart broke. But we have not done a proper true no kidding multiple eggs (or even one) retrieved IVF. It sure would be nice to try.

Of course, I would rather just be and stay pregnant already and not have to DO any of this other crap. It is now 12dpo, I've had only one urge to pee on a stick, an urge that passed. I think I feel resigned to failure this month, realistically. One egg at most, if that, crazy late ovulation, blah blah not sure how to feel, afraid to bother feeling hopeful. Know my temp will drop and that will suck and we'll be off again on the next cycle.
Still tired, still weird about food, still broken out, still headachy. Still emotionally tender/touchy/softhearted...

My bloodwork came back fine so I guess I have to deal with blueness that is blueness. Which I HATE. This truly messes with my sense of self. I think I am kate, a happy person, optimistic, buoyant, resilient. So to have a stretch where I feel so down sucks ass. Messes with my self perception (almost wrote self protection, hmmmmmmmmm).

So anyway,
about that Brett Favre...

On a different note, or maybe not, I realize that I write stuff again and again and again. I am so sorry. I repeat myself. And tend to be redundant at temporally infrequent intervals. Did I mention I am sorry about that? I can hear you all now, yeah yeah, foggy mountain, yeah yeah, blue kate, financial worry, shitty work stress, yeah yeah we know we know we know.

But I swear, in the moment I am writing, it does not matter if I wrote it before, it is what I am thinking and feeling. But I also realize it is probably not so great from a reader sensitivity perspective, unless you are into deja vu-ishness.

At 5am, the sky lightens just enough to see the trees separate from the sky, dark gray from dark gray. I have seen it every morning, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 7 depending on the season. I am sure I have written this before.

But this morning, the sky turned from charcoal to pearl, the trees from shadow to texture. And it feels like magic, like something brand new, and in that moment, I do not care if I have seen it before, if I noticed it before, and now, I will try not to care if I've written about it before. For me, in that moment, it was all brand new.

12 comments:

Sprogblogger said...

Oh Kate, first off, you should know that you could write about doing dishes every day, and we would still read your posts avidly. You're a wonderful writer, and you're an honest writer. And as far as I'm concerned, our only "job" as bloggers going through IF treatments is to be honest about the process. I know what comfort I took from reading blogs in the beginning - the good the bad and the boring - just so I felt I had some idea what to expect.

It's not always excruciating fear or over-the-moon happiness. Sometimes you have to watch the sun set and sometimes you concentrate on eating a perfect peach.

Because although this blog focuses on IF, what it's really about is "Kate's Life." And that's brand new every day, even if some of the things happening have happened - sort of - before.

I can't wait to hear about you eating your next perfect peach, with juice dripping down your chin.

B. said...

Susan says it so well, so I just want to echo her comment a bit. Reagrdless of what happened and how you felt yesterday or the day before, today is new and unique. Even when it's more of the same. Also, each day happens in context, influenced in many ways by the yesterdays that came before, so the "same" words or sentiments on a blog page have a different meaning each time you write them.

And like Susan said, I'd read anyhow.

Kate said...

I third Susan. You can write about the same thing each day and we'll keep reading. Besides, I'm not different so I'm living in a glass house and shouldn't be throwing stones. IF is a hamseter wheel at times, so its only natural things repeat. I love your writing and your beautiful reflections.

I'm happy to hear all the research you are doing on IVF, I hope that this helps you since your feet are moving moving moving.

meinsideout said...

I hope you are pregnant with your perfect peach and all of the research will not be necessary.

What about Brett Favre? :)

Michele said...

Although I will sound like a 5 year old, Susan said what I was thinking :) (Maybe I should yell "No Fair" and stalk off the playground...) :)

I, too, am hoping that there is a little baby intertwining itself in your womb as we speak and that the DEs and the clinics and the IVFs are things that never have to be paid for and discussed because there is no need. I am hoping whole heartedly for that.

Megan said...

It is so frustrating to try and try at IVF and never make it all the way through (I'm on number four and still trying to make it to transfer). I hope you are pregnant and don't need IVF, but if you do I hope we both are successful this time.

K said...

All comments above, very well said. But very interesting information you have uncovered in your quest. I think it's excellent that you are exploring ALL available options to you. (OK, I'm biased because that's what I did too.) But you HAVE to, I think, to feel like you've done everything you can/could. And you are, rest assured in that. (Doing everything you can.)

I read some not so nice comments recently (can't remember where) about CC.RM. I've also read some good things about SIRM. Have you looked into them? Shady.Grove sounds promising too. I've also been reading this blog http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/ by a dr. at NYU. I haven't checked their stats but I know they're at least in your time zone. :)

One thing I did find about stats (because you mentioned them AND they are important) is that some places that do complicated cases (AMA, high FSH, etc.) have lower success rates. So I think you have to factor that in when you look at the numbers. They are not cherry picking the best outcomes (as my last clinic did) and therefore it's reflected in the overall success rates.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to write a book of comments, but I found your post very interesting and wanted to just pass along info. Blah blah blah. Good luck. Will be interested in your decisions.
((Hugs)) K.

Mad Hatter said...

Dearest Kate...We will never tire of your lovely writing! You know, I was thinking as I read your post, that many of us writing these IF blogs are indeed covering the same ground again and again in our cycles...CD1, ovulation, the 2WW...I know I'm writing about the same things over and over, but like you, I feel like it's a new level and a new discovery each time...applying past learnings, seeing things in a different light. I love the fact that when I'm not in my 2WW, I can vicariously live yours through you and hope for you...And I do! XO

Nic said...

Its your blog, you write whatever you wish to write about. We will continue to read regardless!!
Sorry that the blood work has come back normal and you are so blue. There really is nothing one can say to pick you up right now other than to say you are not alone and we are all here for you.
I really hope you get your real shot at IVF., you deserve a chance.
Take care x

IF Optimist, then... said...

Writing about whats in your mind right now is real. Thinking about the same concerns is what we all do in this process. Every month. It is one of the reasons why this shit is so hard, but it is also one of the things we know binds us together and appreciate that yes, someone out there really understands. I want to know where you are. Happy, blue, researching, pondering, thinking, discovering.

Phoebe said...

Wow. You are processing a lot. So many clinics, so little time. Go with the best you can afford. I used to think CC.RM cherry picked their patients, but I don't think so anymore. So many women go there that have failed elsewhere. I know that if your FSH is over 20, they won't let you do IVF because the stims just won't work. I've looked into one "high FSH" type clinic, but their stats suck for our age group. I think I'll stick with BigShotFertilityClinic, if they will let me. I'll find out next week. Hope you get some good news this cycle. HUGS!

just me, dawn said...

you are such a beautiful writer, you can write anything you want, i will keep reading :)