05 September 2009

not surprised

15dpo and my temp was not decidedly down this morning, so, yes, I finally peed on a stick, and no, I am not pregnant.
So, I am in the never never land of knowing that my period just needs to come, and knowing it will, but not being sure just when.
It's ok, oddly, I am much more zen about this cycle than most. I know it will show up. I have pms from hell complete with self loathing, yes, it is imminent.

I've thought a lot about the idea of emotional preparation, -- the idea that somehow we can prepare ourselves and cushion a blow simply by knowing it might happen. Emotional preparation is something which I now firmly believe is a load of crap.
It's like this: you can anticipate an outcome, prepare for it intellectually (as in, identify it as a possible outcome), but the emotional response when it happens? Is what it is. The only thing missing is the added layer of surprise of facing a possibility one had not expected.

So, knowing this would probably most likely be negative does not mean I am not sad. I am sad, but I am not surprised.

I cleaned the toilet and the bathroom floor, went on a long heartpounding hike, wore myself out even more with lawn mowing (I have a kate-powered rotary mower thingy), and then ransacking my garden making way for some new bulbs coming soon, and digging in and moving brown eyed susans and coneflower.

Then? Errands in a town an hour away then made dinner and put in more laundry and now? Sofa.

And now, it catches up a bit, circles around and lies down just around my solar plexus. The nagging weight of ending this cycle, and starting again.


Mad Hatter said...

I'm sorry, dear friend. Yeah. I know the ache...you're right - it likes to live in the solar plexus. All those keeping busy, physical things are good. I walked the dog a lot today. And did some errands and cleaning, too. Hey, if you're looking for a distraction of the cinematic kind, I strongly recommend "Sunshine Cleaning". It gave me some much-needed laughter and forgetting. XO

Billy said...

I am so sorry.
I have never found the way to make a negative less painful, because as much as one prepares themseleves that it's going to be a negative, and as much as one knows logically that it probably didn't work, there's always that damn hope lingering around.
Hope your period comes soon and you can head of to the next cycle.

Elizabeth said...

You get that self loathing thing too? Glad it's not just me. And, of course, it's not just you. Or even you at all. So sorry dear one. I know the feeling and remember it well, and I hope this is the very last time you get to feel it. Love to you,

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry. "Expecting" it doesn't make it any easier really, as hope, even supressed, is always stronger.

I hope this coming cycle gets going quickly.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry.

Pundelina said...

Awww damn. I was hoping for a different post from you Sweet Kate.


Sprogblogger said...

I'm sorry. I know what you mean about the pain still being there, even when the outcome was anticipated. Doesn't make it easier, just makes it seem more, well, destined. Which sucks on a whole different level.

I'm glad you're already thinking of the next cycle. You know you're deep in my thoughts. And you know? I totally wish I had a Susan-powered rotary mower at this stage of my life. Clickaclickaclickaclicka. A sound more soothing than cicadas.

Thinking of you.

What IF? said...

Ah yes, cognitive preparation and emotional protection are two entirely different beasts. I so wished for a surprise for you this month, sweet Kate. Sending you love, and hoping the self-loathing makes way for TLC soon.

Melissa said...

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry.

Michele said...

Oh Kate... Damn... I am so sorry. You do sound zen but I know you are heartbroken too. And I am heartbroken for you. Even suspecting a negative doesnt remove the hurt from seeing it. I know that from experience. And it freaking blows. Just sucks ass.

Sending you a lot of love right now. All I can... And big hugs, too.