11 September 2009

one bandaid for me, no paper clips

I had my least favorite wand mistress- and the screen I could not see, I counted clicks and guessed things were progressing.
This afternoon I got my follicle count:
3 on the right over 10-- 13,13,12

one on the left over 10--11
and a bunch of little ones (6 more?)
E2 569
Prolactin showing my pituitary tumor is being nicely suppressed...
So all doses stay the same with Antagon added in starting tomorrow morning, next ultrasound and bloodwork on monday insanely early (6:45 an hour away gah)
hoping
hoping
Asked again about IVF conversion-- my nurse is all for it, my doc says "we'll see"-- so, we'll see.

hate those friggin ganirelix shots, they sting like a mofo and look downright Frankenstein-ian in their little glass syringes.

A customer has been in these past few days and will be again on monday, a beautiful, insanely smart, very very very pregnant customer. One I just met, who is charming and blushes easily and can probably figure out how to get to the moon with two bandaids and a paperclip and a small wad of gum. She says she is in denial about her pregnancy, and that is all she's said except some stuff about the imminent timing of her upcoming leave.

I am nervous like I am on a first date, babbling idiotkate. Don't look at her belly! Don't look at her belly! Don't look....
yeah right.
so this has been challenging.

And today is a day of sadness and rawness for me, my would-have-been 10th anniversary. I am holding my heart gently this night, letting it feel as safe as I can help it feel.

Tonight I am the kind of tired that makes me tearful, bone tired, heart tired, mind tired.
So I am off to bed at 9:30 pm and hope to wake up whole.

10 comments:

K said...

Yeah, ganirelix sucks. But I am hopeful for you this cycle! Very hopeful!

I'm sorry about this anniversary for you. It's sad for us too. We lost a nephew today 7 years ago. As if this day wasn't bad enough...

Peace.
K

Illanare said...

Im sorry about this sad anniversary. If a virtual, transatlantic hug from a stranger would help, I'm sending one.

Sprogblogger said...

Follicle count sounds great - I'm hoping for you with fingers crossed...

And I am so sorry your heart is hurting. You are in my thoughts as I sip me morning tea, and look out the window onto the world. Be gentle with yourself.

Pundelina said...

Nice follies sweetie.

And I'm sorry for your pain.

Sending you some long-distance hugs.

meinsideout said...

Hoping for many follies and sending you big hugs.

IF Optimist, then... said...

So happy to know that the follicles are coming along strong. Hoping that the other little ones catch up to join the party. I'm glad to know that you made it through the tough day. Sending magic and hopes and hugs.

Kate said...

Sorry for the sad anniversary, but glad that you got good news about the follicles. You're doing IUI at this point, right? 4 follicles sound just right for that. (Of course if you're doing IVF, then I hope some of the smaller ones pop up - I know mine did).

alyssa said...

go follicles!
xxx

Billy said...

Sorry about your anniversary.
Wishing you a successful cycle.

Michele said...

excellent follicles!!!

sending you big hugs and lots of warm thoughts... It's a rough time but you are doing great...