22 September 2009

equinox

So today is 2dp3dt. Which is very cool just because I've never been able to say it!

So, yesterday was an odd day of wonder and awe. I spent a lot of the day in awe of what I might be carrying, hoping hoping hoping. I have never known I was carrying an embryo (or 5) before- and the awareness is remarkable. I want to know I still am, and there is no way of knowing.

I realized over the weekend in one of my many miniephipanies, that I need to calm the fuck down. I realized that I need to manage my feeling of overwhelmedness better than I have, and as best I can. So yesterday was an exercise in asking myself, "what do I need to do to stay calm?" which is one hell of a different question than "what should I do?"--

and I did ok--
I kept thinking about that cluster of tiny lights nestled deep inside me and felt I owe them this, I owe Me this too--

being crazy does not actually help me do more or be more productive or be more valuable, it just makes me feel crappy. So I am going to be trying really hard to be and stay less reactive (wish me luck when my boss calls!).


Ok about refrigeration and the progesterone suppositories, they only need to be cold to maintain their shape for, um, insertion. They can get warm and not lose efficacy-- so the trip just got simpler. I simply re-refrigerate them once I arrive.

About betas and testing and pee sticks and protocols-- sweet Sharon called yesterday and said we'll do our first beta when I get back, October 3rd, which is after when my period might come but to do it anyway, no matter what. And, if I want, I can pee on a stick on the 1st.

There is sadness in the internets-- I hate some of what I found as I romped around to catch up with my blogspot friends yesterday (still no wordpress access from home)-- Eileen of we got hitched so very sadly lost her pregnancy last week (another fucking loss- I think 3 this year), and Pundelina's embryos did not make it to transfer over the weekend. I am so sorry for these losses-

And the challenges go on--Two friends are on bedrest-- Sarah (for the flavor) is on bedrest at the hospital and Magsy (Grade A) is at home.

The losses-- of pregnancies, or the possibility of pregnancy this cycle, or this lifetime, or of hope or time or certainty or identity or self. There are so many nested losses here in this dang infertility world. I wish on all of us such an easier time than seems to be possible.


I sometimes think that holding hope is like chasing mercury around on the carpet, it pools and skitters away as you try to grab it. Other times it is nearly viral, sticking with us anyway no matter what, in spite of, anyway. Breathing in awareness of sadness and losses, breathing out love and hope for healing. It is the equinox, a new season, a season of daily change here in the northeast- leaves change so fast, frost comes, leaves fall, we are bundled in sweaters and wool socks, and finding our ice scrapers, and thinking about putting on winter tires.

Last night as I was driving home late late late, two male moose crossed the road not even a mile from my house. The glitter of their shiny eyeballs way up high made me stop, their truck-sized bodies reflect no light at all-- and they gamboled across the road
less than 20 feet from my car, and vanished into the darkness of the woods. Reminding me, of course, that there is magic everywhere, all the time. Just because I cannot always see it does not mean it is not there.

10 comments:

Jenn said...

You gave me such a beautiful visual of your 5 little ones all nestled inside you.

I envision them so warm, comfortable and cozy - just settling in for the long haul.

As for calming the F down...I know you can do it sweet Kate - you are full of grace and serenity whether you know it or not.

Just imagine all your bloggy friends holding you gently and quietly - supporting you in your calmness.

Know I am right there with you - praying - giving you a gentle hug and soft pat on the belly for luck!

Hugs

Kate said...

The biggest way I've learned to calm down is to force myself to shut off the future and just think of today. I tell myself "so far so good", I make a list of things to do that day and then I do them. It's so difficult, this two week wait, the intense amounts of patience required... but one thing I know is you can do it. You are fortunate enough to be aware of your surroundings, like enjoying the male moose crossing the street, and al the other beautiful insights you provide. It won't be easy- but you will make it, I know!

Fingers crossed.

Mad Hatter said...

This really speaks to me right now. I cannot thank you enough for sharing it. Wishing you great calm. XOXO
Love,
Maddy

Michele said...

It hurts so much to witness the losses and not be able to fix it. You just want to.

I am so happy for you and crossing my fingers... Please, oh please!

Grade A said...

A wise and eloquent post. As a wise woman has said to me, "keep breathing." I will if you will.

Sending you light and magic and tranguility and peace and whatever else you need.

Barefoot said...

I'm a little behind from being out of town, but I wanted to pop by and say congrats on your successful transfer! I'm thinking of you and hoping that everything is doing what it should be doing in there.

Phoebe said...

On calming down, one word. Meditation. It's about all you can do, or should I say not do, at this point. I like the visual of the 5 points of light! A star!

The losses are so sad. Thanks for thinking of your internet buddies.

Anonymous said...

Hi, new to your blog but I am wishing you the best! I am 42 and in the middle of ivf #4, day 4 of stims and in looking at this cycle of yours, mine is quite similar. And, I've gone to retrieval thinking to get a bunch of eggs and turns out there were 2. ugh.
Anyways, I'll be rooting for you this cycle best of luck!

meinsideout said...

So glad you are 2dp3dt!!!

There have been quite a few losses - and it enrages me.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Welcome to fall. I'm so happy you can announce you are 2dp3dt.

I love the word miniephiphany. I will keep it in my swirling brain.

Sound helps me stay calm. Find some gentle music, listen to the wind and the water. If you don't have those at hand, just close your eyes and listen to the sound of your calm breathing.

Sending love, hope & magic. --Traci