07 February 2010

4>0, but shit

So, yeah, 4.
YES people, 4 is more than 0! so I celebrate that. truly, I am relieved. It was my#1 nightmare, my first psychological hurdle. I woke to them saying they got eggs. I fantasized, how many? i wondered, I had all those big follicles, and often they retrieve more than expected, so maybe there's many.... 8? (she laughs now, ruefully).

then, when they came by and said 4, I felt stunned and felt my heart sink fast. Why just 4? I have huge E2, more must have been in there.
Please do not get me wrong, I am glad it was not 0. but I am also fighting tears (fucking anesthesia) because I am so worried with so few to work with, what the fert report will be.
I do not yet know how many are mature
that tiny number scares me in terms of normal attrition of maturity and fert rate. I will get a call tomorrow afternoon with the details and I feel like I am on some cosmic hook of yes but.

but coming out of tomorrow, let's imagine 3 or 4, I will be ok.
even if there's 1, I promise, I will try to be ok.

I came home and slept 3 hours. Feel like I am at the end of a tunnel from the post-op dislocation.
I'm too tired to stay and write about the things that feed my soul. Each word is a typo. Hope for home.

17 comments:

Rain Child said...

That's wonderful news!!! Sleep well!

Pundelina said...

4. I know how you feel ... it's not much to play with, statistically speaking. But I hope one of these is your ONE.

((hugs)) and good wishes

x

just me, dawn said...

Praying for your four, knowing you would have loved more, hoping that it is just enough.
((hugs))

musicmakermomma said...

Oh hon, I know you are disappointed but hopefully this is your ticket to motherhood! Try and be positive (I know how hard it is) and let us know the fert report. Praying for a quartet of happy embies.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Fuck. I know that is really disheartening and I am so sorry. Hoping that the magic ONE is in there for you. I will keep my hopes and heart and dreams set for your success. Much grand love being sent eastward for you.

Searching for Serenity said...

Chin up! You've done your part and now let the magic begin.

Rest well.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

The more-than-expected eggs that were retrieved from me never panned out. Hopefully these 4 are a solid, promising, true 4, not those pesky mirage eggs.

Rest up and be well.

Kate said...

Well, you never know. I've seen people retrieve 30 who end up with 2 blasts in the end. And people who retrieve 4 and have all 4 make it to blast. I'll just be hoping that you're in the second category.
Hope to hear great things from you tomorrow from the fert report!

meinsideout said...

I remember my first retrieval - they only got 3 - and I remember crying my eyes out. I totally hear you on wishing it was more - but I hope that the 4 they got are your rock stars.

((HUGS))

B. said...

Thinking good thoughts for you and your 4! I hope this is it for you. C'mon, you 4, get busy dividing and going to blast!

sprogblogger said...

I'm sorry, sweetie - I, too, wanted there to be even more than they'd thought, not fewer. I know how disappointed you must be, and you have every right to be sad.

But that said (and I have to say it) you only need one perfect one, and I'm holding out hope galore that at least one of these guys is going to be YOUR little guy (or gal). You and your darlin' and your Fantastic Four are in my thoughts tonight - as always.

Hoping for great news tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Hey - long time lurker here coming out of the woodwork to say -- on my 4th IVF (after 3 prior unsuccessfuls) stims only resulted in 3 follicles. They werent even going to do the retrieval but my RE said "i want you to feel like you've done everything possible to have your own biological children". They retrieved TWO eggs. Put back two embryos. I was so convinced that it wouldnt work that I almost didnt take the pregnancy test. And I am currently the proud mother of TWO beautiful 4 month old girls. So dont lose hope.

Barefoot said...

Thinking good thoughts for you and your 4 superstar eggs.

babyinterrupted said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that it didn't go the way you wanted. But I'l echo those above - quality is better than quantity, and hopefully one (or more!) of those four is the one you've been waiting for.

Peace to you as you wait for the call; I'll be thinking of you.

Mad Hatter said...

Wow. I don't know about you but I LOVED Anonymous' story - what an awesome RE! And I felt reassured because I just spent $1300 on medication today after telling Dr. Lovely I want to go forward with IVF even with one little egg.

Oh, hon, I know it's disappointing because it's a numbers game and all that, but at the same time, magic is magic. A magician doesn't pull 15 rabbits out of a hat - just one. And that's impressive enough.

For me, getting the green light for IVF is huge. And I know for you, the "Yes" from this clinic to go ahead with this time was huge, too.

Remember my dear - these aren't just any old four eggs - these are "magic mekate eggs", all pumped up with fish oil and poetry and stars in the sky and the white tails of deer leaping through the woods...These are very special eggs, made with great love and care by you. And I am sending them a big warm hug and lots of fertilizing energy...wishing you the very best fert report ever!!!

Love,
Maddy

B. said...

I got goosebumps reading what Anonymous had to say. It really does take ONLY one, but I know how hard it is to feel hopeful when the numbers are small. I'm hoping you get soem fantastic news today... something like all 4 fertilized normally and are growing away in the lab.

Pulling for you!
Beth

heather said...

Ok, I'll leave another anecdotal post with hope/positive thoughts . . . at (my then) age 40 they retrieved six eggs, of those, three fertilized, and they transferred the resulting three embryos . . . and I have the most darling 13-month old daughter now. So! Best, best of luck to you!