what does one call a half asshole half idiot?
Oh Robin, if only I was able to stay in the moment.
how silly of me to think I could just blithely skip along, happy at my progress.
oh no, no, I had to go back and look at my ill-fated no-egg retrieval cycle, my very first IVF attempt, way back when, and discovered my numbers and follicle counts were nearly identical to what they are now.
Then, I talked with my amazing sister who reminded me that since then:
I have been wheat/dairy/egg free for over a year
I have taken months of DHEA and over a year of fish oil
I have had success with egg retrieval, embryo making, and even, yes, implantation
I have been exercising more
I have been doing weekly acupuncture
I am not the same kate that went through that cycle (oh boy, not).
and this time: I am on one new med now (mestinon) one new one before transfer (Medrol), and will have assisted hatching....
I want to believe with all my heart that this will be different, but to be honest, it is only half my heart at the moment, and I will feel *so much better* once sunday comes and eggs are retrieved, and monday comes and there are plentiful happily dividing embryos, and when wednesday comes and they are back inside me.
I am worried I do not know my killer cell status and my clotting factors
I am worried I am not supporting with estrogen post-transfer, just progesterone
I am worried I am worried I am worried.
And oh! that kate-that-was-a-year-ago, poised with that first lupron needle above her belly skin, knowing she would try just that once, and then...
She had no idea how much she would try and try and try
how much debt would be accumulated
time we don't get back
and how that first shot was one of what, more than a hundred and fifty at this point?
and I am sad for this kate, this holy shit veteran infertile. I am one of the ones I used to read about and feel sad for. goddamn it I wish I wasn't.
looking for my happy.
remembering that image of that perfect ovary.
thinking that i need to trust that boston IVF has done this a whole lot more than I have.
20,000 babies more.
so I need to just buck up, suck it up, get a grip, breathe, and know I am doing the best I can with what I have and know.
little miss control freak is not happy with this.
little miss tired to the bone and just wanting this to work is willing to flirt with the idea. I know which one is louder though.
I am not quite as insane as all this sounds
I am breathing
I am ok. I am just wishing that following the rules meant I would win.
But I know better.
thanks for listening.