05 February 2010

me, myselves and I


what does one call a half asshole half idiot?

Oh Robin, if only I was able to stay in the moment.
how silly of me to think I could just blithely skip along, happy at my progress.
oh no, no, I had to go back and look at my ill-fated no-egg retrieval cycle, my very first IVF attempt, way back when, and discovered my numbers and follicle counts were nearly identical to what they are now.
I crashed.

Then, I talked with my amazing sister who reminded me that since then:
I have been wheat/dairy/egg free for over a year
I have taken months of DHEA and over a year of fish oil
I have had success with egg retrieval, embryo making, and even, yes, implantation
I have been exercising more
I have been doing weekly acupuncture

I am not the same kate that went through that cycle (oh boy, not).

and this time: I am on one new med now (mestinon) one new one before transfer (Medrol), and will have assisted hatching....


I want to believe with all my heart that this will be different, but to be honest, it is only half my heart at the moment, and I will feel *so much better* once sunday comes and eggs are retrieved, and monday comes and there are plentiful happily dividing embryos, and when wednesday comes and they are back inside me.

I am worried I do not know my killer cell status and my clotting factors
I am worried I am not supporting with estrogen post-transfer, just progesterone
I am worried I am worried I am worried.

And oh! that kate-that-was-a-year-ago, poised with that first lupron needle above her belly skin, knowing she would try just that once, and then...
and then.
She had no idea how much she would try and try and try
how much debt would be accumulated
emotional debt
financial debt
time we don't get back
and how that first shot was one of what, more than a hundred and fifty at this point?
and I am sad for this kate, this holy shit veteran infertile. I am one of the ones I used to read about and feel sad for. goddamn it I wish I wasn't.

looking for my happy.
remembering that image of that perfect ovary.
thinking that i need to trust that boston IVF has done this a whole lot more than I have.
20,000 babies more.
so I need to just buck up, suck it up, get a grip, breathe, and know I am doing the best I can with what I have and know.
little miss control freak is not happy with this.
little miss tired to the bone and just wanting this to work is willing to flirt with the idea. I know which one is louder though.

I am not quite as insane as all this sounds
I am breathing
I am ok. I am just wishing that following the rules meant I would win.
But I know better.
thanks for listening.


Maredsous said...

Oh Kate,

I am sorry about the crash. This is completely different. You have had such positive results since that first mishap and your treatment is completely different. Even a new clinic. I have complete faith that you will get eggs and they will fertilize. Don't doubt it for a minute.

Always here for you if you need anything.

musicmakermomma said...

wow Kate, I read your blog and it was like reading my heart - I hate being in this place a couldn't have imagined a couple years ago. How did we end up being "those" people, the veteran bloggers who weren't afraid of the shots, the ones with advice from personal experience. Watching everyone around us get pg while we wait, and wonder if we're just wasting time...

But like you, many things have changed for me since that first innocent cycle - hoping this is the time for both of us.

babyinterrupted said...

All I can say is, I can relate. You're not alone. All the logic in the world simply burns away in the face of fear - but we're holding you in hope.

Illanare said...

I'm sorry for the crash, I wish I could say something wise and helpful. But in the absence of either I send instead good thoughts and a hug.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I hate that you are on the rollercoaster. It sucks! Sending lots of positive thoughts though. Try to visualize all those eggs to be retrieved, those embies created and growing. Stay strong! You can do this!

B. said...

You sound more weary than insane. Even when little miss tired to the bone is louder, keep on going through the motions as if this will work. Because it might. And we don't want you to give up.

I'll listen any time.

Sunday is almost here. You'll be out of limbo soon.

Anonymous said...

I hope Sunday gets here quickly and that it is very, very different and very much better from that point forward from anything ever in the past.

Nic said...

I am so sorry you have crashed. Your sister sounds great and very sensible though. Everything she said is true and you know it is.
I hope Sunday comes soon and you have a great number of eggs retrieved.
Keeping everything crossed for you

Mad Hatter said...

This is hell, this is hell, this is hell, this is hell....Too bad we can't just drug ourselves Stepford-wife style and just wake up when it's all over, holding our babies in our arms...I'm sorry you're feeling so worried right now. Your sister is totally right. Totally totally. A LOT is different this time. And, may I ask, why can't you support with estrace this time? Did I miss something? Is there a reason it can't be added to the protocol? I'm glad you're at the clinic you're at because they are supportive and positive and said 'yes', and your numbers look really good, and you are in great health, and a week from now your darling embryos will be inside you and you'll be writing to us about your 2ww hikes and dreams and we will all be here for you, supporting and hugging and hoping. I am glad that you are doing this.

sprogblogger said...

Oh yeah. Know the feeling inside & out.

But your sister is right - you are VeteranKate, because of what you've endured, because of what you've lived through. But all that means is that you are stronger and wiser and smarter and yes a newKate, but still the sameKate in all the good ways that matter.

And I hope the tired leaves you in peace for these next couple of days. Thinking of you every minute.

robin said...

Sometimes it is just friggin' hard, isn't it? Shoot.I hope for you Kate that typing it out somehow helped you feel a little better. The good thing about being present is we have that chance over and over and over. I hope sweet anticipation takes over your mind soon.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Oh sweetie, it is so hard to keep your mind from looking back in worry, but your wonderful sister is right. You are different. You have been working so hard to improve things, you have since that time had successful retrievals and transfers. We'll all be here to support you and cheer you on. FYI, I didn't have estrogen post-transfer (only progesterone) I also didn't know killer cell status or clotting disorder. If you are concerned about clotting disorder, ask the doc if you can take baby aspirin and extra folic acid. They may just say go for it. They may have already tested you for some things, but you didn't know it.

I am sad for the Kate who has endured sorrow, but I am filled with a very bright light of hope for the Kate who's heart fills mine with visions of hikes in snowy woods and writing that stirs my soul. Good luck Wondergirl.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Every cycle is different, even when it is the same. There was no reason to believe that my Perfunctory IUI #7 would result in anything, yet here my two babies are.

Good luck today!

Elizabeth said...

Hey Kate-- thinking of you today and hoping for an easy ER and lots of good-looking eggs! Love,

What IF? said...

Kate, I hope today's ER negated every single fear and that you're relaxing comfortably now. Thinking of you. Lots. And hooray for sisters who are so right. Wishing you serenity and sped-up time through Wednesday and the 2ww.