7 things

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1. For about 8 years of my childhood, from 1st through 8th grade, I grew up on a small (4 acres maybe) subsistence farm in Connecticut, in a yuppy preppy town. We had a cow, chickens, rabbits, pigs, geese, a horse, a pony, amazing gardens tended by my mom, a big green stake bed truck. We had apple trees with tiny bitter yellow warty fruit, and lilac bushes, and secret paths. We had a hay barn, and two cats, and a dog. We had concord grape vines, and a semi circular gravel driveway that flanked an open field. It was the coolest place in the world, and I dream of it so often, I am often surprised when I wake and find myself elsewhere. I changed schools a lot during those years, so home for me was the stable thing. A climbing tree (a sturdy maple), a red maple that held one end of the rope hammock, a rain barrel, a magnolia tree. A rickety above ground pool that saved our asses many a hot summer day. The town we lived in was not filled with farms, I was the only farm kid I knew except my sister. I remember bringing a chicken to school with me one day for show and tell. I remember I brought it in a hoover vacuum box. A lot about my childhood sucked ass-- I was sick a lot with belly issues (colitis), school stressed me out horribly, and it was just really hard for me being out in the world since I never knew when I would be stuck in the bathroom or in a crisis trying to find one. But home? The farm? I cannot tell you what it meant to me.

2. When I started college I thought I would be a modern dancer since it was something I was enjoying doing, it was not a choice so much as a default- then I got injured and had to reassess. It was impossible for me to imagine what I would want to do- I've never had a calling, never had one outstanding talent, never had a when-I-grow-up-I'll..... so, so much of my life has felt accidental and reactive-- responding to what comes up, situations or opportunities that arise. After the injury I had a bunch of aptitude tests done and the fellow doing the testing said that I had great 3-D visualization ability, perhaps I should consider Imaging Science... the time came for a change, and I went to a new school, took Imaging Science. I graduated in a shitty economy and took the first job offered-- and began a career that I have never ever felt passionately about. I became an expert in something now obsolete, but it lead me through jobs at three companies- the last is the one I am at now. I have been here for 12 years. I love my coworkers (love working with smart people!) and love working with customers, love technical troubleshooting, love helping make things work. But I do not love what I do. And I have always felt that there are pieces missing, like I took a wrong turn and am not quite lost but a few blocks away from where I should be.

3. I've been talking with my sister a lot lately about how we thought that if we were nice, tried hard, followed the rules, that we would succeed. And we've both come to the realization that the ones who really succeed are those who question and push and ask for more than what is offered, dream new things, test boundaries or simply not believe in them, are nice perhaps but not as a rule... and it is a hard thing to learn at this late date that what I should have been learning is risk taking, dreaming big, trial and error, learning that failing is OK, try again, try something else.

4. I have always feared failure. It has kept me from trying new things, exploring, and I do not think I regret too many things more than this. I wish I had grown up in the generation of video games, fail and try again is part of the process of playing, it is expected, it is not a show stopper, it does not mean you are unworthy or an idiot or a failure.....I wish I had known I would live through failure. I did not fail a class until college where I got a D. And I honestly did not know what to do- it was a required class, calc 3, infinite series, what the hell.... I had to take it. So I took it again as a audit, and then, I took it again for credit. I may have a fear of failure but apparently I also have tenacity. But only because I had to. I wonder who I would have become if I had somehow learned to fear less and risk more, and realize that failure is often a part of learning, and it was separate from my kateness.

5. I've written about this before. I love food. Being gluten free, dairy free, egg free has been such a pain in the ass. I miss food, I miss cheese, I miss bread, I miss making bread and baking. I am not much of a cook at all, but I sure do love baking. So since the dietary change, I have felt bereft, have found some things that are ok, but also realize that eating has lost a lot of joy for me. I am trying very hard to find things I love-- I made a great turkey meatloaf twice now that is really great. made a chocolate cake that was DIVINE but nearly killed me (still not sure what thing caused me trouble)-- the issue is not that I will stop breathing, but that I will be incapacitated with horrible belly issues, pain, and be stuck in the bathroom. So I cannot experiment too much. I want to identify 15 great meals, and several really yummy count-on-it treats. So far I've got about 4 and 1.

6. On Christmas day, as we pulled into my sister's driveway, Doug turned to me and asked me to marry him. He had asked before, and I'd always said not yet. My prior experience, as you may know, was horrid. But in that moment, his face said something different, and my mouth said something different too. I said Yes. And then, because I am kate, I proceeded to freak the fuck out for several days of inconsolable grief. Fucking PTSD. Anyway, I surfaced slowly, and realized that perhaps if a marriage signified what already is, is a celebration of a commitment that already exists and a relationship that is already loving and supportive, maybe I do not have to be so scared. Don't ask me for a date, I'm not quite that evolved yet. But I am very happy in my own quiet neurotic way and so very lucky to be with this wonderful person.

7. I peed on a stick this morning at 4:45. It was negative. I got back into bed, told Doug who pulled me close. I could not sleep, lay there tortured and grief stricken and heavy with sadness. Doug got up at 6ish, because he is crazy like that. And I stayed in bed, trying to sleep, trying very hard not to feel all I was feeling. I told myself I could choose to let this destroy me, or I could choose to handle it some other way. But I suck at that, and finally I dreamed some and fretted a lot, and basically felt the sucking hell of grief pulling be down. I hauled my ass out of bed at 9, was planning a heart pounding consolation hike.. had to pee again at 9:15. And just happened to look at the stick I'd left on the sink from the 4:45 peeing and....
there was the faintest ever second line. Evaporation line, I said to myself. Fucking cruel joke universe, ha ha. But I peed on another stick anyway because I had to even though it was only a few hours later.
And there was a very very faint second line.
Holy shit people. In this moment, this one, this very moment, however faintly, I am pregnant.


Some of the many beautiful bloggers in my universe:
Maredsous Just had her DE FET yesterday! PUPO baby.
Traci Twin monsters on board!
Peanut Noodle (Lara) Pregnant!
K gestating twins!
B expecting Ishkabibble any day now!
Kate of Impatiently Waiting 38 weeks!
Jem of Ambivalent Womb, currently going through several levels of hell.