20 February 2010

7 things

THANK YOU Sprogblogger and baby,interrupted (who just got an awesome beta yesterday!)
Thanks for the sweet award!



Award rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award

2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award

4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you

5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs


1. For about 8 years of my childhood, from 1st through 8th grade, I grew up on a small (4 acres maybe) subsistence farm in Connecticut, in a yuppy preppy town. We had a cow, chickens, rabbits, pigs, geese, a horse, a pony, amazing gardens tended by my mom, a big green stake bed truck. We had apple trees with tiny bitter yellow warty fruit, and lilac bushes, and secret paths. We had a hay barn, and two cats, and a dog. We had concord grape vines, and a semi circular gravel driveway that flanked an open field. It was the coolest place in the world, and I dream of it so often, I am often surprised when I wake and find myself elsewhere. I changed schools a lot during those years, so home for me was the stable thing. A climbing tree (a sturdy maple), a red maple that held one end of the rope hammock, a rain barrel, a magnolia tree. A rickety above ground pool that saved our asses many a hot summer day. The town we lived in was not filled with farms, I was the only farm kid I knew except my sister. I remember bringing a chicken to school with me one day for show and tell. I remember I brought it in a hoover vacuum box. A lot about my childhood sucked ass-- I was sick a lot with belly issues (colitis), school stressed me out horribly, and it was just really hard for me being out in the world since I never knew when I would be stuck in the bathroom or in a crisis trying to find one. But home? The farm? I cannot tell you what it meant to me.

2. When I started college I thought I would be a modern dancer since it was something I was enjoying doing, it was not a choice so much as a default- then I got injured and had to reassess. It was impossible for me to imagine what I would want to do- I've never had a calling, never had one outstanding talent, never had a when-I-grow-up-I'll..... so, so much of my life has felt accidental and reactive-- responding to what comes up, situations or opportunities that arise. After the injury I had a bunch of aptitude tests done and the fellow doing the testing said that I had great 3-D visualization ability, perhaps I should consider Imaging Science... the time came for a change, and I went to a new school, took Imaging Science. I graduated in a shitty economy and took the first job offered-- and began a career that I have never ever felt passionately about. I became an expert in something now obsolete, but it lead me through jobs at three companies- the last is the one I am at now. I have been here for 12 years. I love my coworkers (love working with smart people!) and love working with customers, love technical troubleshooting, love helping make things work. But I do not love what I do. And I have always felt that there are pieces missing, like I took a wrong turn and am not quite lost but a few blocks away from where I should be.

3. I've been talking with my sister a lot lately about how we thought that if we were nice, tried hard, followed the rules, that we would succeed. And we've both come to the realization that the ones who really succeed are those who question and push and ask for more than what is offered, dream new things, test boundaries or simply not believe in them, are nice perhaps but not as a rule... and it is a hard thing to learn at this late date that what I should have been learning is risk taking, dreaming big, trial and error, learning that failing is OK, try again, try something else.

4. I have always feared failure. It has kept me from trying new things, exploring, and I do not think I regret too many things more than this. I wish I had grown up in the generation of video games, fail and try again is part of the process of playing, it is expected, it is not a show stopper, it does not mean you are unworthy or an idiot or a failure.....I wish I had known I would live through failure. I did not fail a class until college where I got a D. And I honestly did not know what to do- it was a required class, calc 3, infinite series, what the hell.... I had to take it. So I took it again as a audit, and then, I took it again for credit. I may have a fear of failure but apparently I also have tenacity. But only because I had to. I wonder who I would have become if I had somehow learned to fear less and risk more, and realize that failure is often a part of learning, and it was separate from my kateness.

5. I've written about this before. I love food. Being gluten free, dairy free, egg free has been such a pain in the ass. I miss food, I miss cheese, I miss bread, I miss making bread and baking. I am not much of a cook at all, but I sure do love baking. So since the dietary change, I have felt bereft, have found some things that are ok, but also realize that eating has lost a lot of joy for me. I am trying very hard to find things I love-- I made a great turkey meatloaf twice now that is really great. made a chocolate cake that was DIVINE but nearly killed me (still not sure what thing caused me trouble)-- the issue is not that I will stop breathing, but that I will be incapacitated with horrible belly issues, pain, and be stuck in the bathroom. So I cannot experiment too much. I want to identify 15 great meals, and several really yummy count-on-it treats. So far I've got about 4 and 1.

6. On Christmas day, as we pulled into my sister's driveway, Doug turned to me and asked me to marry him. He had asked before, and I'd always said not yet. My prior experience, as you may know, was horrid. But in that moment, his face said something different, and my mouth said something different too. I said Yes. And then, because I am kate, I proceeded to freak the fuck out for several days of inconsolable grief. Fucking PTSD. Anyway, I surfaced slowly, and realized that perhaps if a marriage signified what already is, is a celebration of a commitment that already exists and a relationship that is already loving and supportive, maybe I do not have to be so scared. Don't ask me for a date, I'm not quite that evolved yet. But I am very happy in my own quiet neurotic way and so very lucky to be with this wonderful person.

7. I peed on a stick this morning at 4:45. It was negative. I got back into bed, told Doug who pulled me close. I could not sleep, lay there tortured and grief stricken and heavy with sadness. Doug got up at 6ish, because he is crazy like that. And I stayed in bed, trying to sleep, trying very hard not to feel all I was feeling. I told myself I could choose to let this destroy me, or I could choose to handle it some other way. But I suck at that, and finally I dreamed some and fretted a lot, and basically felt the sucking hell of grief pulling be down. I hauled my ass out of bed at 9, was planning a heart pounding consolation hike.. had to pee again at 9:15. And just happened to look at the stick I'd left on the sink from the 4:45 peeing and....
there was the faintest ever second line. Evaporation line, I said to myself. Fucking cruel joke universe, ha ha. But I peed on another stick anyway because I had to even though it was only a few hours later.
And there was a very very faint second line.
Holy shit people. In this moment, this one, this very moment, however faintly, I am pregnant.


Some of the many beautiful bloggers in my universe:
Maredsous Just had her DE FET yesterday! PUPO baby.
Traci Twin monsters on board!
Peanut Noodle (Lara) Pregnant!
K gestating twins!
B expecting Ishkabibble any day now!
Kate of Impatiently Waiting 38 weeks!
Jem of Ambivalent Womb, currently going through several levels of hell.

32 comments:

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Oh, you tease! Making us wait until your list item #7 for your BFP news! I don't care how faint the line is. We have a saying on the TTC message boards I frequent: a line is a line is a line. You got a line, mama! CONGRATS HON! Can't wait to hear tomorrow's beta :).

meinsideout said...

WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! That is fabulous news! I am so thrilled for you - and hoping and hoping and sending good amazing energy your way that this is the one.

JB said...

You are pregnant!!! Congrats!

babyinterrupted said...

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I was so sad reading the last one, and then - woo hoo! (The same thing happened on the first test I took; I threw it away after 30 seconds, thinking, "There's no way in hell there'll be a second line on that," came back half an hour later, and...line.) Yay!

karen alonge said...

I loved so much about this post. You are such a delight to know! And I let out a whoop of happy surprise when I read #7. congratulations!!!!

K said...

KATE- OMG!

Congratulations.

YAY.

I'm so excited!

*HUGS*

So happy over here for you. A smile from ear to ear!

Rebecca said...

A smooth, solid sigh escaped from me when I got to the end of seven. I realized then that I'd been holding my breath. And I have tears hovering with joy for you. Oh. Oh. Oh. What amazing news. I've been checking in every day with great hope. I'm so happy for you.

I don't write often and I don't have a blog, but I love yours. Your writing is something I look forward to every day. Big congratulations!

Brooke said...

Oh my, oh my, oh my. WOW!!! I am so happy for you. YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Good luck with the beta!!!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

You really know how to bury the lead -- I mean, you know how to create suspense.

Aaaaa!

Fingers crossed for a beautiful number tomorrow.

Aaaaa!

robin said...

this.is.awesome!

bb said...

That is fabulous!!!!!!!! congrats!!!!!!

Grade A said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO THRILLED FOR YOU, DEAR DEAR DEAREST KATE!

WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH

Carrie Cummings said...

I never leave a comment, but have been reading for a year - I am just so tickled for you.....hope you took a celebratory hike instead!
-Carrie

sprogblogger said...

I'm sobbing, I'm so happy for you. Tears literally streaming down my face. I am so deliriously happy for you!!!

Mad Hatter said...

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I am so sosososososososo happy for you, Kate and Doug!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
Love,
Maddy

jill said...

Congratulations! Sending lots of happy, hopeful thoughts!

invitroveritas said...

I'm crying too. Big fat happy second line tears. I am so thrilled to hear. yay!!!!!

Anonymous said...

oh MY! A bad day gone good! Delurking to show you some happiness from a stranger. Wishing you an easy 40 weeks.

Illanare said...

Lovely Kate, what lovely news! Congratulations!!!

Pundelina said...

reading reading reading and then wham!

What a fantasmagorically wonderful #7 that is!!! I am so incredibly happy for you sweet sweet Kate.

I will be eagerly waiting for your beta.

Sarah and Family said...

Yes!!! Magical #7. We love you guys. Congratulations.

Sarah and Family said...

I don't remember the chicken in a box but I am missing the farm right now. And it really was that amazing.You are lucky you can "visit" at night. I loved your post.

What IF? said...

I got to #5 last night... then one of the girls started crying and another and another... turning into a little choir I could no longer 'ignore.' Now it's this morning and I need some "me time" to finish reading your blog post after taking care of their needs. I had no idea there were so many surprises in store.

OH MY OH MY OH MY!!! I get to #6 and wow: a marriage proposal from your sweetie.

And then #7. Well, that one blew me away ompletely. I've never felt such utter sadness for someone else turn into pure, indescribable joy in the matter of a few seconds. May today and this week ahead show a strong, doubling beautiful beta.

Kate said...

Oh hon! When's the beta? I sure hope that this is it! And I hate the torture of pee sticks that may or may not tell you the truth. And seem to get lighter over time, even when your beta is rising perfectly.
Thanks for the award - guess I'll have to actually get my act in gear and post some stuff about it. (I've been bad before and left the award just lying there, too lazy to respond).

mybumpyjourney said...

I love it!! You totally snuck that in there didn't you! BLAMMY- just out of the blue! THAT IS AWESOME!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
How exciting. {{{HUGS}}}

Pie said...

You totally buried that! Congrats! I'm so excited for you!!

jenicini said...

Congrats! I just got my first positive pee stick yesterday morning!

Maredsous said...

Oh that is fantastic! Congratulations on both fronts. Lets hope we can go through this pregnancy thing together.

And that was absolutely cruel. To let us believe it was negative and then to spring the positive on us. I was crying from sadness and now tears are rolling down from happiness. Have an awesome day!

Elizabeth said...

Well, look at you, two lines. This is just about the nicest, happiest thing I can imagine reading. Really, anything I type just looks stupid, just know that we are grinning ear to ear here on your behalf. On the food part (as a fellow food lover), have you looked into any of the autism diets? I think the main things they eliminate are gluten and casein (sp?) which is, I think, milk protein. So, people with kids on the autism spectrum have done a lot of thinking about wheat free, milk free diets. And it just occurs to me I know one, on FB. I'll see if I can cut and paste some of her recipes. After all, you're eating for two now! Love to you,
Elizabeth

kimbosue said...

Clicked over from IF Optimist....had to wait till #7! YAY for you!

The Life and Times of Krysten with a "Y" said...

I am very happy for you! I love reading your blogs and have very high hopes for you Kate! This was exceptional for all of your readers/supporters. And for you of course I am sure. You're awesome!!!!

Kristin said...

Here from IF Optimist...huge CONGRATS on your news!!!