16 February 2010

pieces

Completely lost my shit today
big big tears
absolutely overwhelming fear/sadness/grief
just wanting this week to last forever so I do not have to learn this has failed.

I suppose it was bound to happen, I felt it coming last night when talking with my darlin'. But an announcement this morning by a friend of her 5 month pregnancy hit me in the face like stepping on a hoe.
And so, I called my sister and came apart. Not just about the announcement, but about this whole thing.
one of the best things about my sister? she gets it.

I know I am afraid, and I hate that.
Hate feeling so out of control and so at the mercy of the news that will come this weekend. Beta is sunday. Will I pee on a stick? Not sure. I do not want to find out from a stranger (all the folks at the clinic are new to me, and my one steady nurse is on vacation)-- but I do not think I can handle the empty white space on the pee stick either. So I just don't know.

So yeah, today was coming apart day.
Tomorrow I will see what I can do with the pieces.

28 comments:

K said...

So incredibly raw. I am so sorry you have to feel this way. Please know that I and so many others are thinking of you. There's no way around it, this is a difficult, shitty week. ***hugs***

meinsideout said...

thinking of you

IVF 40+ said...

hormone hell and hyper anticipation is just about the right recipe for all things tears.
I hate POAS. I fucked myself up every time I picked one up - including this twin pregnancy which was when everyone else was getting the red lines galore.

Whatever you decide to do, dearest Kate, my heart and hope is with you.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Big hugs, Kate. I'm hoping the weekend brings happy news. It is so awesome that your sister gets your struggle and pain. Thinking of you!

babyinterrupted said...

Hugs to you. I had my 'swallowed by the black hole' day on Sunday. I hate those days. And yet, I desperately want them to last longer because, as long as I'm still in the 2ww, success is still possible.

Lord, but we are screwed up. :) Thinking of you.

sprogblogger said...

I hate this day. It happens to me during every cycle, where I know it's happening and I can't help myself. I'm thinking of you, wishing for the best of all best news over the weekend. Know that I'm here, thinking of you.

Grade A said...

Beautiful mosaics are made from many pieces.

Thinking of you,
Mags

Illanare said...

The 2ww is hideous. Thinking of you.

Megan said...

I'm in the same place and I don't know what to do. I don't want a stranger to tell me that I will never have a child of my biological own, but I don't know if I can take another negative pregnancy test.

I don't know what to do. Let me know when you figure it out.

Brooke said...

I am so sorry you're having a rough day. Usually after I have this kind of day, I feel much better the next.

I am wishing and hoping for great news for you on Sunday...

Elizabeth said...

Dear Kate -- what a crappy way to feel, what a crappy situation, it's just hard, unyielding, always there, no fun, crap. What's worse, it gets all dressed up in hope and, of course, because it does work sometimes, and might (I hope, I hope) work this time, it is insidious in the way it gets inside a person and runs them around. I do hope, I really do. And for today I hope especially that you can find some space for a deep breath or two, and they help, and that tomorrow brings an easier day. I'm thinking of you and sending love,
Elizabeth

bb said...

Been there. And sorry that you are there now. And I agree with Brooke, I don't know how it happens, but the next day is usually better some how. Maybe not much easier, but just better.

Anonymous said...

Your father understands and loves you more than tongue can tell. I'm rooting for you, cheering for you, pulling for you--doubling that for your "Honey" as well. No matter what, I love you. Remember that! Pa

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

During treatment cycles where I had my hopes up, i'd start out the 2WW thinking I had my shit together, then as beta approached I'd become increasingly frantic/despondent. By the time beta rolled around, I'd spent most of my tears.

Thinking of you on Sunday and until then.

Kate said...

Hope sunday brings antastic news, whether you pee on a stick or not. I waited till after I got the phone call (I think) to POAS just to see the lines.
Hitting a low point at this stage is totally normal. Good luck at knitting the pieces back together tomorrow! Sometimes a good cryfest is all you need to make you feel better.

Mad Hatter said...

Ohmygoodness, your father's comment brought tears to my eyes. Wow.

Kate, this is agony no matter how you cut it. I can't tell you how much I am wishing and hoping for you over here - and at the same time wanting to take the anguish of this in between place away.

All I can do is imagine that I am giving you a super-tight hug right now, and making you a cup of hot cocoa, and setting you up on the sofa with a cozy blanket and pillow and subjecting you to a romantic comedy movie marathon until you cry "Mercy!" and fall into a deep sleep. That's what I would do if I could physically be there - I'm so sorry that I'm not, but please know that spiritually I am...cocoa and all.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Love,
Maddy

Pundelina said...

((hugs)) those fall apart days suck sweet Kate, I hope tomorrow is better.

niobe said...

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Nic said...

Looks like it is fall apart day today. I fell apart today as well.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time and worrying. The feeling helpless and the wait is what is hard. I hope Sunday comes around quickly and it gives you the best result ever. It will make me so happy when you get your BFP! I will jump up and down with joy for you.
x

robin said...

I'm so sorry about your sad day, Kate. I just copied this from Eckart Tolle because it helped me when I had my last meltdown (grief filled meltdown). Just in case it means anything to you: "The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. Facing facts is always empowering."

I would not have thought so, but when I thought about the "facts" somehow I did feel better. I hope today is not just better, but a good day.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Oh sweet Kate, thank the stars for your dear Pa and wonderful sister. Sending love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love to you. I had MrBeep tell me the news from the clinic. He took the call for me and let me know in the most gentle and loving way possible - both with the negative and the positive. Wishing to you all my hope and the best for good news and peace in your heart.

Anonymous said...

I always felt the most depressed before I got postives tests (even thought they lead to m/c) Just my two cents about the POAS. do what you want. I had a lab tech ask if I had 'Cheated' one time when I said I knew it was negative (i just had enought expoeriecen to know by then) I got so mad at her I was almost yelling when I explained that actually wanting to know what was happening with my OWN BODY was not and should never be considered to be cheating.

Good Luck !

Elle said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

You are so in my heart this week.

tireegal68 said...

That whole waiting for the lines on the stick is horrible. I am in the tww too and will pee tomorrow night and do the test the next day. I don't want to find out at work - which would happen if I waited till Beta.
I am sorry that you had a melt down - but it sounds like you needed to let some of this anguish out. It's so sucky. I really hope for good things for you and that long awaited BFP.
I'll be thinking of you on Sunday.
((HUGS))

Michele said...

Oh honey... Sending a hug and crossing my fingers for nothing but wonderful news.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Ugh, the 2WW is so hard, especially after the ups and downs of a tough IVF cycle. And I'm sorry you won't get your regular nurse, with whom you have a relationship, but rather the drunken-weekend-nurse. She's been the bane of my existence several times but only because she's not who I want her to be.

I'm torn on POAS. I used to be adamantly against them, I wanted a definitive beta answer. But for some reason, this cycle, I did one. I think if it was negative I wanted to comfort of dealing with it without having to wrap up a phone call.

I'll be sending you tons of P&PTs that Sunday brings you great news.

Billy said...

Hugging you and thinking of you.

Mo and Will said...

Kate - thinking of you. with you. here. I'm so sorry this is so so hard.

Mo