Completely lost my shit today
big big tears
absolutely overwhelming fear/sadness/grief
just wanting this week to last forever so I do not have to learn this has failed.
I suppose it was bound to happen, I felt it coming last night when talking with my darlin'. But an announcement this morning by a friend of her 5 month pregnancy hit me in the face like stepping on a hoe.
And so, I called my sister and came apart. Not just about the announcement, but about this whole thing.
one of the best things about my sister? she gets it.
I know I am afraid, and I hate that.
Hate feeling so out of control and so at the mercy of the news that will come this weekend. Beta is sunday. Will I pee on a stick? Not sure. I do not want to find out from a stranger (all the folks at the clinic are new to me, and my one steady nurse is on vacation)-- but I do not think I can handle the empty white space on the pee stick either. So I just don't know.
So yeah, today was coming apart day.
Tomorrow I will see what I can do with the pieces.