19 February 2010

trying to let hopeful win

Thank you, as always, for your support and understanding. I know I am nutty, but this is all torture and insanity as you all know.
I so agree with Maddy- Hell is infertility.

I'm better than I was yesterday. Today I feel almost a little peacefulish. I had a Nia class last night that made me sweaty and distracted. Trying to figure out where my feet should go is a great diversion. I danced when I was younger, before I got older, self conscious and stiff. This is a huge thing for me to try to move comfortably/rhythmically/gracefully.
When I just could not get something simple, (stepstepstep) I blurted out, GOD, I SUCK AT THIS CHA CHA THING! and everyone laughed (everyone = 4 other real bodied women and the course leader who is some sort of energizer bunny super sprite).

And last night on my way home, I grinned up at the little Cheshire cat grin of a moon in the western sky, and noticed orion bright overhead over the horse pasture I pass, and today, the stream is running so low, I can see all the layers of ice where it has cut though, a mini grand canyon, and honestly? When I stay connected to nature, get outside, or just spend a few moments really looking, I feel much more grounded and real, and for a moment, sometimes, my flailing quiets.

As I said in my last post, yesterday I got to the point where I decided I am most probably not pregnant (stats+history+fear), so, I told myself, any and all negative tests would just be confirmation of what I already "know" and therefore not a big shocker or a big letdown. But you know? This is such incredible bullshit-- any negative test always has been and always will be a major-ass heartbreaking disappointment, not a confirmation-As my sweet sister said to me last night, this is all a mind game anyway, trying to figure out how to make it through any way possible, just, literally, trying any and all tricks for survival.

I also realized last night just how early yesterday really was, so I will not be testing again until I cannot stand it.
Just because someday I will forget this, today is 12dpo, 9dp3dt.
So I am hoping I can wait until tomorrow. And I will try. Because that white space? where the line should be? sucks my life force. But it's one of the only things we can choose, right? The timing of the pee stick? A modicum of power... a little wisp of a fantasy that we have control over something, anything, any little thing. Yeah. I get the symbolism, but I hate the fact that unless one is lucky enough to stumble on an early positive, it just totally sucks ass. So much for power and control. Ha. Bite me.

Some folks mentioned my planning for the whatifhisdoesnotwork. I have to. I have to have a direction where I might head next otherwise I will flounder and sink. Heck, I may flounder and sink anyway, but I want to know which way to the shore.

Hopeful feels better than desolate, so I am trying to let hopeful win.


B. said...

Hang in there Kate!

big hugs, and tons of empathy...

sprogblogger said...

I'm with you on having a contingency plan, but I'm also still quite hopeful for this one. Thinking of you all day long, glad you're feeling better, wish there was anything I could say to make it all ok, but know that there really isn't. Holding you close, thinking good thoughts. Thinking of you.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I'm so glad that you're feeling more hopeful. Whethyer you decide to POAS tomorrow or just wait for the beta on Sunday, I think it's a great idea to take a break today, because it STILL would be early today. I know these last few days before beta are so hard, but remember, every day that you don't see AF (and damn the progesterone, I've gotten AF every time regardless when I was not pg) is a victory.

I've got everything crossable crossed for you. {{{HUGS}}}

babyinterrupted said...

May hopeful score the biggest victory ever. :) Thinking of you.

Mad Hatter said...

Yes, you! So good that you are finding balance in nature and in the love of your sister, and in whatever you need to do to get through this limbo. Keep dancing and swimming and finding your way - and I will keep crossing my freckles that you are already there.
Lots of love,

Nic said...

Every white space is a dagger right into our heart, dispite us telling oursewlves that we are expecting it, it is just a confirmation. There is always a glimmer of hope and a 'what if' at the back of our mind.

As you say, it is still early days.

As far as I go, I am on strong pain killers already and they dont touch the pain

babyinterrupted said...

Apparently, I am stalking you. :) But I nominated you for a blog award.

Jem said...

9dp3dt is too early, way too early. Please do wait 'til Sunday. Step away from the pee stick, ma'am. Yes, I mean you! There's nothing to see here. Quite rubber-necking! It's not worth it.

Glad you were able to sweat and groove last night. Burn away the negativity.


Maredsous said...

I know this is so hard. You are strong and shouldn't give up hope. Thinking of you and hoping that you find some solid ground.

Anonymous said...

blugh. the wait sucks. and i swear you need a phd to take a damn test. i always freaked out about it. well...the three times i took them. i NEVER wanted to take them. i would much rather have a blood draw. that way i can't f it up, you know?

thinking lots about you and keeping fingers crossed!

Grade A said...

hope, hope, so HOPEFUL.

Kate said...

Go hopeful!
Yep, take control in any way possible. See if you can hold out on the pee stick. And by all means, plan your plan B. That's what I had to do to survive mentally. And I had to move on to another cycle right after one had failed. Waiting would have made me even more crazed.
So glad you're still able to find peace and encouragement in nature and the world around you. You're such a beautiful person, and deserve a child to share all of that with. Whichever way you bring them into your world.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you - and holding out hope.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

One thing that always helped my will power is that I'd only test with first morning urine, so if I could make it past the first pee I was set for the day.

Hang in there. You're right, hopeful feels way better.

myinfertilitywoes said...

just stopped by your blog for the first time (from your blog nomination award) and you really grabbed me. will be sending you very positive thoughts this weekend.

Love the person who said 'step away from the stick' - hilarious!

Any way you can fill, fill, fill your weekend with fun and busy stuff so that you're minimally sitting around thinking about it? I know, easier said than done, but still... Big hugs!

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh I'm so happy to hear you sounding better. And I'm all for a contingency plan -- I would need something to focus on so that I could feel as if there was something I could DO to put things more back into my control.

I hope this weekend you can go for a nice long walk and quiet the negative thoughts. Just do things that make you happy.

robin said...

Wishing you peace today.