Thank you, as always, for your support and understanding. I know I am nutty, but this is all torture and insanity as you all know.
I so agree with Maddy- Hell is infertility.
I'm better than I was yesterday. Today I feel almost a little peacefulish. I had a Nia class last night that made me sweaty and distracted. Trying to figure out where my feet should go is a great diversion. I danced when I was younger, before I got older, self conscious and stiff. This is a huge thing for me to try to move comfortably/rhythmically/gracefully.
When I just could not get something simple, (stepstepstep) I blurted out, GOD, I SUCK AT THIS CHA CHA THING! and everyone laughed (everyone = 4 other real bodied women and the course leader who is some sort of energizer bunny super sprite).
And last night on my way home, I grinned up at the little Cheshire cat grin of a moon in the western sky, and noticed orion bright overhead over the horse pasture I pass, and today, the stream is running so low, I can see all the layers of ice where it has cut though, a mini grand canyon, and honestly? When I stay connected to nature, get outside, or just spend a few moments really looking, I feel much more grounded and real, and for a moment, sometimes, my flailing quiets.
As I said in my last post, yesterday I got to the point where I decided I am most probably not pregnant (stats+history+fear), so, I told myself, any and all negative tests would just be confirmation of what I already "know" and therefore not a big shocker or a big letdown. But you know? This is such incredible bullshit-- any negative test always has been and always will be a major-ass heartbreaking disappointment, not a confirmation-As my sweet sister said to me last night, this is all a mind game anyway, trying to figure out how to make it through any way possible, just, literally, trying any and all tricks for survival.
I also realized last night just how early yesterday really was, so I will not be testing again until I cannot stand it.
Just because someday I will forget this, today is 12dpo, 9dp3dt.
So I am hoping I can wait until tomorrow. And I will try. Because that white space? where the line should be? sucks my life force. But it's one of the only things we can choose, right? The timing of the pee stick? A modicum of power... a little wisp of a fantasy that we have control over something, anything, any little thing. Yeah. I get the symbolism, but I hate the fact that unless one is lucky enough to stumble on an early positive, it just totally sucks ass. So much for power and control. Ha. Bite me.
Some folks mentioned my planning for the whatifhisdoesnotwork. I have to. I have to have a direction where I might head next otherwise I will flounder and sink. Heck, I may flounder and sink anyway, but I want to know which way to the shore.
Hopeful feels better than desolate, so I am trying to let hopeful win.