18 February 2010

preemptive defeat

still decidedly fucked up.
decided this morning that I am not pregnant. Peed on a cheapo stick. Negative. (early yes yes I know I know I know).
And it felt like shit.
preemptive defeat maybe?
Not sure what the purpose is as I do this to myself, but it feels so reasonable, hey, I say, if it's negative, it can still be(come) positive, just not showing yet!
I pretend it is self protective somehow... even though I swear it just feels bad and self damaging.

But in the midst of all of this shit feeling and negativity, I also keep repeating to myself the magical phrase that was told to me about one of our beautiful embryos:
"High Implantation Potential" and imagining those amazing blob clusters, that incredible photo, and hopinghopinghoping with all my might. And when I look at the picture, my heart leaps and I feel hopeful. I really do.

Hope, for me, feels like a fist sized squeezy spot around my solar plexus. When associated with glee (like my feeling post transfer) it is nearly irrepressible- but when coupled with sad worry, desolate defeatism, it feels a empty and echoy, a achy bruise maybe, a sore spot, a reminder of an injury.

Listen, I know that this might have worked. might be working. The progesterone has me exhausted. I am broken out. I feel down and blue and reactive, quick to cry. Am self medicating with small amounts of dark chocolate. I am trying to be gentle with my bruised and battered and hopeful heart. I really am. I am trying to remind myself that I know nothing yet, no amount of hope right now, or amount of defeat can help me Know. I have to wait and find out.

Meeting with the doc on wednesday (they set up the WTF appointment at the transfer, not quite heartening). I cannot help but feel if we had more money (infinite, say) and if we just tried this long enough, we would succeed. I read about people getting pregnant on their 8th IVF (are you kidding me? 8?) and just feel achy and sad. Maybe the 8th time would have worked for me too. I just want to keep trying until this works. But I can't. We can't. We are out of credit, and have amassed a mountain of debt, and are going to have to move on. And honestly, it hurts so badly to know this, it knocks the breath out of me.

We've all talked so much about this slippery slope, this, what if I could just.... or, just one more time.... or, maybe if we tried a different clinic/protocol/RE.

Trying to get psyched about what's next - Found a clinic in Florida that does donor egg cycles for 10K, I need to call and find out if they offer financing, and if they have anyone like a younger me on their donor list. And while we get our money situation in order, I'll ask the doc if we can use femara and timed intercourse. Or something.

This is just so incredibly hard. And I feel so incredibly sad. And the whole thing just sucks rocks.
Yeah. so. that's how I'm doing.
Tonight I'll buy some real pee sticks. And I will use them probably quite steadily between now and sunday, damaging or not. I am not sure I can keep myself from doing it. And I sure hope I will be surprised.


Jem said...

Pee sticks are the devil. Evil, evil things. Just my opinion.

Okay, I'll climb off my soap box.

That's better... Oh, Kate, please don't admit defeat until you really hear something definitive.

Other than that, I can only send you virtual hugs over cyberspace and repeat platitudes like "hang in there" and "I understand."

sprogblogger said...

Oh sweetie - I want this so badly for you that it just aches. And you are still early - especially using the cheapo pee sticks. And I know that doesn't help at all. Thinking of you, hoping for the very best, and not yet giving up hope for this one. Be gentle with yourself, and up that dose of dark chocolate - eh?

Dirk said...

Lindt 70% Cacao is a big favorite of mine. Hang in there.

Illanare said...

Keeping everything crossed and hoping for the best for you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hoping my heart out.

Lisa- meinsideout

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Oh how I wish this whole freaking process was not so hard on us warrior women. I am still hoping and praying hard for you, it IS still early. I used a cheapo one time with my first pregnancy and got a stark negative. Later that morning, I took a beta blood test that came back at 60. Stay away from the cheapos. I will be waiting anxiously for your update after your next POAS, hoping hoping hoping.

Megan said...

I could have written this post myself. I realize that I am mourning this cycle before it is even over. I have no excitement. I have no hope. I guess this is what it comes down to when you are an ivf veteran.

I hope that soon we are both looking back at these days and realizing how silly we were.

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, hon. I'm sorry you're feeling so wonky and already thinking of contingency plans...And sorry I depressed you with my story of Ms. Eight Times...that was the last thing I hoped to achieve by sharing that.

As you know, I've been following your journey for a long time now - you and EB. For some reason I see you as my (very) slightly older sisters, and I've felt for a while now that it just wouldn't be right if I got pregnant before either of you, so with darling EB on her way, it's your turn. It's your time now. It's got to happen.

The worst time is these few days before beta - as I am sure you have, I have seen so many, many women lose heart and fall apart at this time, only to get a BFP...please, please, please be gentle with yourself...chocolate = good, pee sticks = not so good, but okay as long as you understand their limitations.

Sartre was wrong. Hell is not other people - it is infertility.

Sending you great big smothering hugs and hoping that your HCG skyrockets in the next few days.

Lots and lots of love,

Pundelina said...

Oh Kate I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to you - something that would somehow help your heart and heal your hope. But I don't, I can't, I know where you are only too well and there's nothing to be said or done to change any of it for you. All I can do is to send you some love and lend you my hope.

loving and hopeful

Kate said...

Hope the cheapie at 11dpo (that's way too early!) is wrong. Hoping, hoping, hoping.

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh kate, I wish there was something useful that I could say that will make you feel better. Instead, I will wish you some measure of peace and contentment with however this all turns out -- if not just yet, then soon. Be well.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Those daily peesticks are such a mindfuck yet it can be impossible to resist.

These last few days are the hardest, and time goes so slowly, but Sunday will be here soon.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Hate peesticks, couldn't trust them with the last IVF, they screw with my mind. I can only send love and let you know that I put all my hope and wishes and magic to the beautiful Wondergirl and her perfect little HIP (High Implantation Potential).

babyinterrupted said...

Thinking of you so much. Know that there's bunches of hope out here for you, even if it's hard to muster any for yourself.

linda said...

I pee on sticks continually throughout a cycle, actually. My reproductive endocrinologist says it's good to start after transfer so that you can watch your HCG trigger disappear. Then if anything starts to REAPPEAR that you know it's implantation (and not your trigger) and to get my bum into his office with all due haste for an infusion of intralipids. So, pee with abandon my friend! Progesterone, IMO, is more evil that POAS...it makes us feel icky, emotional, crampy, etc. When you are feeling down, try to remember that it's the drugs that are making you feel like crap. If you can hold that thought, it might help to perk up your spirits. :-)

robin said...

Just erased everything I wrote. But want you to know another is out here thinking of you, believing in good stuff.