preemptive defeat

me?
still decidedly fucked up.
decided this morning that I am not pregnant. Peed on a cheapo stick. Negative. (early yes yes I know I know I know).
And it felt like shit.
preemptive defeat maybe?
Not sure what the purpose is as I do this to myself, but it feels so reasonable, hey, I say, if it's negative, it can still be(come) positive, just not showing yet!
I pretend it is self protective somehow... even though I swear it just feels bad and self damaging.

But in the midst of all of this shit feeling and negativity, I also keep repeating to myself the magical phrase that was told to me about one of our beautiful embryos:
"High Implantation Potential" and imagining those amazing blob clusters, that incredible photo, and hopinghopinghoping with all my might. And when I look at the picture, my heart leaps and I feel hopeful. I really do.

Hope, for me, feels like a fist sized squeezy spot around my solar plexus. When associated with glee (like my feeling post transfer) it is nearly irrepressible- but when coupled with sad worry, desolate defeatism, it feels a empty and echoy, a achy bruise maybe, a sore spot, a reminder of an injury.

Listen, I know that this might have worked. might be working. The progesterone has me exhausted. I am broken out. I feel down and blue and reactive, quick to cry. Am self medicating with small amounts of dark chocolate. I am trying to be gentle with my bruised and battered and hopeful heart. I really am. I am trying to remind myself that I know nothing yet, no amount of hope right now, or amount of defeat can help me Know. I have to wait and find out.

Meeting with the doc on wednesday (they set up the WTF appointment at the transfer, not quite heartening). I cannot help but feel if we had more money (infinite, say) and if we just tried this long enough, we would succeed. I read about people getting pregnant on their 8th IVF (are you kidding me? 8?) and just feel achy and sad. Maybe the 8th time would have worked for me too. I just want to keep trying until this works. But I can't. We can't. We are out of credit, and have amassed a mountain of debt, and are going to have to move on. And honestly, it hurts so badly to know this, it knocks the breath out of me.

We've all talked so much about this slippery slope, this, what if I could just.... or, just one more time.... or, maybe if we tried a different clinic/protocol/RE.

Trying to get psyched about what's next - Found a clinic in Florida that does donor egg cycles for 10K, I need to call and find out if they offer financing, and if they have anyone like a younger me on their donor list. And while we get our money situation in order, I'll ask the doc if we can use femara and timed intercourse. Or something.

This is just so incredibly hard. And I feel so incredibly sad. And the whole thing just sucks rocks.
Yeah. so. that's how I'm doing.
Tonight I'll buy some real pee sticks. And I will use them probably quite steadily between now and sunday, damaging or not. I am not sure I can keep myself from doing it. And I sure hope I will be surprised.