Doug, bless him, made the Jeff stuff vanish (into tubs, into the garage) but upon further reflection, as is common, I realized there was much more going on too that made things more acute: A recent death of a young man, and a psychological revisiting of a lost family home... sometimes grief brings grief, you know? I have my own mythology-- that I am FINE. Sometimes the universe reminds me that yes, I am fine sometimes, but sometimes not so much.
Some Very Good Things:
Three cheers for Mo's transfer (HOPING HOPING HOPING)
I had the most amazingly wonderful time thursday evening- My dear friend Maya Stein held a local writing workshop, and everything about it reminded me of why I love writing, how much I love hearing other people's voices, the special magical power of language and honesty, and how much a heartfelt hug, a direct eye to eye conversation, an open heart, a true and delicious connection -- how much this all feeds me. I left feeling giddy with it all and reminded, once again, of how I love to feel.
OB appointment yesterday--my glucose check, normal pregnant lady stepB swab, and, because of our IVF, a non-stress test... the NST was a treat, 20 minutes listening to that wild thumping...
And today? Since I got up, deep unabating uncomfortable menstrual-like cramping, way low, holy crap uncomfortable, no rhythm but distracting enough so I can barely read. I had tea and fake toast, and am trying to hydrate. Will try some soy yoghurt soon, but sheesh, very uncomfortable.
The doc wants to hear from me if: blood, contractions 5 minutes apart for an hour, any fluid gush or dibble--
this is none of that... this is Other-- this is just holy shit cramps that I cannot calm with position changes.
I know this could be transient and simply pass, or it could last days or weeks.
All I know is Things Are Happening, even if I do not know the time frame.
Excited, not ready, curious, terrified, hopeful....