At the time, I was dating someone I loved but who did not want to have kids. And I knew, I knew how much I would regret it if I did not try, and I was so torn by knowing that making a choice meant I would lose no matter what.
At the end of one field, I came across an old pear tree, totally without leaves, but laden with fruit. Not yet battling infertility but knowing I was battling a ticking biological clock, I burst into tears. Something about those old bare branches making fruit, well, yeah....
With much heartbreak and conflictedness, I ended the relationship to make room for possibility and 6 months later I met Doug.
Today was my last day working from the office (praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is)- I start working from home on monday until the baby comes. My belly has changed shape a little bit, and I've been feeling a LOT of pressure sometimes, sometimes not much...sometimes crampy, sometimes not so much... I am not impatient about it all, just curious, but I admit I am not wanting to go long if at all possible. I have no desire to induce. But really? I feel I am along for the ride.
I feel astonished that I am so close to my due date. I am astonished that soon we'll have a little one here. Astonished that soon I will not feel my belly move like this, this crazy pressure, these waves of elbow or knee or rear traversing above and beyond my belly button. To be inhabited like this, well, it is beyond description. And yet, on the other hand, it feels just like what it is: a little one rolling around in there, with less space each day.
I find myself worrying that breast feeding won't work for us, or that pumping will suck... I skip labor in my head mostly, imagine the hospital in an abstract sort of way, but so much of this seems impossible-- Like I'm standing here with the brass ring and only have the vaguest idea of how I came to be holding it.
I'll try to post a little more to let you know what's up-- and my sister will be in touch here if something BIG happens and I am not able to update.
Tomorrow we have our OB appointment and non stress test....
they won't be checking my cervix unless I go long or the stress test indicates something that might need intervention...
So for now we wait and see. And me? I pray for sleep, which comes in 2 hour increments with much waking, much pelvic pain, and much general discomfort. WIsh I could sleep well, store it up, but apparently I'll be going into this exhausted. It's probably good training, or at least, that is what I tell myself.
This weekend is peak color here- spectacular. My mom will be visiting on saturday, and my sister and her kids will be up here too. Diversion or labor support circle? Time will tell.