0, Week 40 (wow)

I posted a free mini journaling exercise over at heartwork yesterday- yup, FREE. Go take a look if you've been interested in checking it out. It's about fear.

My night wakings had lots of pressure, some new back sensations, and much big peeing (yay--worth getting up for)- and this morning I slept in. Dreamed almost solely of work... and now I am still so tired and it is still so soft and dark outside I may try to sleep a little longer and perhaps dream of something else (please dreamgods).

Week 40, just like that.

I cannot believe it, would not have bet this little one would have waited, and here we are- amazing.

-1

So today is a day of acupuncture with my favorite needle guy.

Spotting continues but it is the old brown of insult or injury not the new pink/red of hmmm something happening.

I started to focus my worry on induction- sometimes when I am scared about things (plural) I find a piece I can focus on that seems to embody the whole thing, and that is where my attention starts to settle and coalesce.

But in this case there are two worries, right? one is induction which I hate even thinking about (see point 1 above)

and the other which eclipses all else, is the worry that something bad will happen. More in a moment.

So yeah. After a pep talk with my sister I feel vaguely better- and have the beginning of a plan.

For my sanity MAYBE, we are thinking that if monday's check is fine, MAYBE in spite of my induction fear we will MAYBE ask for an induction at the end of next week. Otherwise all I will do is worry that Something Bad Will Happen to the baby between now and birth and folks? I cannot handle that.

I may change my mind a million more times, but to have the ghost of a plan makes me feel like I am doing something, saying to the universe that I am ready, and I need to avoid calamity.

So

I called my acupuncture guy yesterday afternoon and set up an appointment that I will leave for shortly

and he will see me again monday, then every day until the baby comes however that unfolds. Perhaps the best use of credit card plastic I can think of--

Emily Erin asked about the nursery--I have a photo I cannot find at the moment.

This little house came decked out in brightly colored interior paint-- pea green hallway, purple baby's room, kitchen with pea green and Yellow, living room pumpkin, blue bedroom... not much room, but high ceilings and bright colors and it felt like falling into a crayon box when I saw it.

So the baby's room began as "the purple room"-- a dark purple so dark it was midnightish--so we lightened it up by half, painted the trim white and I started buying art from Etsy to try to tell the universe I was ready for a baby (this was as we began "trying"). Time passed- the room filled with garbage/storage stuff.... we excavated, and began again. Repeat.

The room is now ready-- filled only with baby stuff- a bassinet that my mom slept in, some shelves that Doug made, Target bins, art, and space for the desk/changing table that Doug is making. We also have a crib waiting in the mudroom closet, and a fold up sleeper thingy we will use by the bed in our room.

I'll find the photo sometime and post it.

But now? Must run and go get needled.

It is a gorgeous day. I hope to walk.

-2

Sorry for the delay--all is well here.

first, go send love to a very scared Mo-- she deserves a fear free ride, but is not being allowed that yet.

So in this neck of the woods, the baby looks great on ultrasound (biophysical profile) with adequate fluid-- 8lbs+ already. Yowza.

And my cervix was checked which really and truly sucked ass- almost not able to stand it-- only a finger dilated and very soft. Baby quite high still as of that moment. And spotting ever since (as expected).

"They" say that the cervix check can sometimes urge things along-- but nothing is a given except I really don't think they'll let me go too long. I sure would like to avoid induction. We go back monday for all the same fun unless by some miracle I deliver this weekend.

Might post again later when I can think-- right now just hungry and tired.

-3

2 guys are here ripping shingles from the roof

unsubtle symbols of transformation

ungentle

necessary

eventually good

but right now all thundery thumping and hammering, pieces falling in front of the windows, things coming apart before then can be put back together-- this time the right way please...

And last night, the moon! Oh, the moon, a half but bright as full, it traced a path high across the sky casting shadows all during the second half of the night- and I was sleeping when the clouds came back. This morning is wet and gray and still, foggy, but starting to glow as the sun is trying to break through.

I could go with imagery of things falling apart, hidden damage, or things obscured,

or

I can revel in transformation, in light, in the beauty of shadow.

Guess which way I'm headed?

Raspberry leaf tea sweetened with honey cooling in a tall mug, and a day of work ahead, I'm ok.

-4

It is the weirdest weather today- beyond warm plus dark and rainy...

all surfaces sticky with moisture in the house

steamy

I am in a t-shirt, jeans and bare feet...Yesterday's big tired persists today- but I am giving myself permission to move slowly.

Last night when Doug got home, we walked to the end of the road and back-- phew! my belly felt like it weighted a million pounds (not its usual) and me? one big braxton hicks contraction (or so it seemed) the whole way. I was thinking it meant something, and it probably does.

It means things are getting ready to get ready.

Cat on the windowsill

me, here, and a day of research ahead of me (which I really enjoy)-- so, if I can settle into that, all will be well.

(Weird how some days I feel impatient, and others, I just feel like my more usual me)

PS Emily Erin--you can email me at icantwhistle at yahoo dot com BUT for goodness sakes, comments make me happy! no need for stuff!

-5...

So, wow, only 5 days until our estimated due date...

So, sometime in the next 12 days, we'll meet our little one.

You all were so kind in sending notes and comments about my worries yesterday- none are WORRIES, you know, except for the ever-present calamitous ones. But they make up some seriously unhelpful babble that makes me feel less and less ready, less and less competent. And really, I just need to let go, and get on with being/doing and less time worrying/thinking/speculating (ahhh not so easy to do though, eh?).

One new source of worry is that the baby is moving less big movements and that is freaking me out a little, but I know it is getting tighter in there, trust me, I know. It is quieter for longer, but then, it treats me to a few minutes of intense total bladder knocking baby-frenzy or alien movement. Right now, it is pressing up and down at the same time, and that makes me very happy.

My darlin' updated his blog last night if you'd like to hear his take on all of this. Even though we talk and talk, it is always fun to see what he has to say since it always gives me a little extra insight.

Progress? I had some very regular extra tight braxton hicks contractions last night for about an hour, then gone. Some pinchy cervix stuff that came and went, and today I feel like crap again, Very tired, iffy belly, just wanting to go back to sleep. And, in fact, I may give myself permission to do so.

(NOVEL IDEA)

But, because I am kate, I am going to give it a little while first; I'll finish my tea and to see if my fog lifts.

And now, back to work.

-6

So last night I realized that maybe, just maybe, it is time for this baby to come since I am starting to do things like creating some sort of free floating wildly far-reaching and far-fetching worrystorm-- worry about being a mom, how I will deal with my very changed and changing body, what clothes if any might fit me, learning to take care of a little one....

Shit, I am even starting to worry about labor (oddly, mostly about poo-control and associated stuff like that)...

I realized it will be so much better to deal with What Is, rather than All I Worry About-- since "what is" is bound to be a smaller set of things than my expansive and creative whatiffing...and there is power in being-in-the-moment which is completely diffused when worrying about All That Out There In SomedayMaybe Land.

So with that: Baby, I now invite you to come out and play. I will not be *more* ready two weeks from now (except in the beg-the-doctor sort of way)-- so bring it on. I am so curious to meet you! (Who is this little one???)

I love being pregnant more than I can possibly say. Yes, even in spite of the hemorrhoid I accidentally named and now cannot un-name. I feel lucky beyond measure, but I also know that I will not stand down, drop my pregnancy-worry, until this little one is on the outside.

And then? Ohhhhhh a plethora of things to worry about that are new and different!

Cold and perfectly insanely still outside. Yellow leaves, dark woods, glorious tea and sweater day. I am bundled up, and very very very happy to be working from home.

-7 week 39! Huzzah!

Image courtesy of my dearest friend Tammy-- taken friday and lifted oh so carefully from her facebook page by my darlin'.

All is well,

belly full of oatmeal, brown sugar, cinnamon and soy milk

oh, yeah, and BABY.

Week 39, seems impossible.

Suiting up for a cold rainy walk, feeling much better than yesterday so will move through space happily if slowly.

Wishing you all a fine sunday.

-8

Hello folks!

Thanks everyone (always always) for your good wishes. It is so great to hear from some of my posse from when I first started blogging. It means the world to me that you would still check in and celebrate along with me after all of this time, all of these struggles, all of this life.

Emily Erin, thank you for the link! And yes, estimated is just that- but it gives me a number to work around, even if we go into +5, +6.... I just know they won't let me go much longer than the end of week 41 since there is no uncertainty about the date of conception.

I don't mind waiting- I know,I know, I am a freak. But really, this all seems unreal to me, and I don't have any desire to rush it. I am curious beyond measure, but also feeling very lucky. I painted my own toenails today, can still move comfortably considering my immense belly, have been blessed with low blood pressure, bladder control...

pelvic pain sucks ass (seriously) but does not hurt unless I am lounging or lying down.

But-- I guess this is the but that has faced pregnant folks forever-- not knowing when is weird.

I go out I wonder... I stay in, I wonder... I am wondering wondering wondering. Any new sensation? I wonder. A big braxton hicks contraction plus cramping, I look at the clock and I wonder... so I can definitely see how I can become consumed by wondering, by watchfulness, by peripheral attentiveness, a very low key "constant vigilance".

***

So thursday evening I finished my 30 prompts for November-- they're all scheduled and ready to go starting one minute after midnight on the 1st (go to my Heartwork site for a link to the prompts)-- for any of you doing NaNoWriMo or just wanting 30 little snippets to make you go hmmm.

Today, my darlin and I have been talking about a changing table that can change into a kid's desk... and he is off shortly for wood.

And I'll be baking cookies today for some folks who will come help Doug move wood piles around (not much fun) and then..... painting? some writing?

again, letting myself off the hook for worksearchstuff is really really hard.

dazzling sunshine and ice on the deck this morning,

the sun cleared the treetops at 8:08

and the moon last night, Oh my, the moon.

-9

A very long non-stress test this morning (all was well, just busy nurses)-- with LOADs of baby movement, kicks and rolls, great heart rate and accelerations, and lots of dancing on my bladder--

no cervix check until next week (if needed)-- otherwise all is well!

Tireegal welcomed her little one early after a NST indicated it was time--

I am not sure I have ever seen a more beautiful baby.

Joannah! Using the doppler this early means going LOW and pushing hard-- low= centered right above pubic bone, like, incredibly low-- pushing hard may be necessary to get close enough for a signal. Use lots of goop (KY or ultrasound stuff). In the beginning it can be hard to find the little one- easier to find your colon or your own heartbeat. Look for 130+ for the little one and it sounds like horses galloping far away- DREAMY. (You can also bring it to your doc for a tutorial).

Emily Erin-- do you have a blog we can visit? Please leave it in the comments if you do-- here you are offering so much lovely support to so many of us, I know I'd like to return the favor.

On-line friend Genevieve is into her first IVF cycle after MANY IUIs-- send a little love her way though the ether please-- she does not have a blog but love and positive energy are welcome I am sure.

And Traci! Oh, Celeste's toes! Please come visit, and I will count them over and over and over again. I really miss you, you know. Maybe if neither of us sleeps again, we can get back into emailing each other! I have questions about low cost video production! We should talk!

And not sure if you all have caught onto SPROGBLOGGER's NEW HOUSE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, well, I am in NH too and the thought of her nearby with her wildly funny humor, amazing brain and gorgeous child? Well, damn. Nearby is relative, but I'll take it. Imagining monthly meet ups and laughing until my stomach hurts. BRING IT ON.

Betcha my next job will require a relocation.

Then I finally catch up on some blog reading and discover that baby in back seat is moving-- we never did meet in real life although I wanted to- two babies for her and morning sickness then complexities for me meant the gods were against it. No matter what, I wish her well in her big transition.

And me? Today I went to the grocery after the OB (wet cleanup aisle 5) tempting fate. Soon off to lunch with my dear friend Tammy (who gave birth to her first baby in her driveway after a precipitous labor, so I feel like I'm off the hook if something should happen, since I know she can handle it).

This weekend, for me, is all about creativity. I promised Doug I would step away from the panic stricken job search and just do things I enjoy for the next few days. I will try.

Yesterday's amazing (non baby) moment? THUNDER -- hard rain, wild wind, rain hammering on the roof and windows, and leaves blowing in circles. It was magnificent.

Due date -9 people

SINGLE DIGITS.

-10

Hello loved ones-

a short update from a gloomy moody dark thursday morning-- still 2-in-1, some good sleep this morning in spite of crappy work dreams (WHY?? I want to EXCISE work from my dream life).

Leaves are falling outside, so my eyes keep getting drawn to the window. Sometimes it is as if a whole branch-worth has decided to go at once, a vertical Pooh-stick race, everyone Go! and the leaves fall and run in circles and just as quickly settle. Sometimes one falls solo and some look like birds. Some twist, some rock their way down. My motion sensors, my peripheral vision, say LOOK! LOOK! and I do. I can't help it. Each one, each flock calls my attention.

Last night I dreamed of holding dried leaves in my hands, knowing the season was past, knowing that next would be the barren cold of november. I was not ready for the stripped down, bare bones, texture-world before snow, and I felt so sad. Why does it only last a few weeks? I want a fall like summer, 3-4 months, color each day, greedy me. Instead, it is all fast-forward, wild color, peak and fall.

And this year? texture will have a whole new meaning, a different warmth instead of cold, it will be swaddled and held, not bundled up against, and I still

cannot

believe

it.

tomorrow? single digits.

HOLY SHIT.

-11

My heart is SOARING for Mo.

Me?

still pregnant so far! (I imagine this will go until November).

Baby kicking right now, even though it is tight in there. I want to memorize every moment.

EDD -12

One piece of fun of waiting in this countdown mode is wondering what (if anything) means what (if anything)--

Normal things are suddenly getting my attention a little differently-- a mad dash to the bathroom, gurgly upset belly.... does it mean...anything?

I feel golden retrievery- tip my head, look quizzical... wonder....

It is a total waste of time, I know I will know when I know, but it is irrepressible.

So today I am bundled up and drinking tea

computer here on the kitchen table

on the phone with workstuff since before 8

lunch planned with a dear friend if my belly allows (in every way)

cold today

perfectly still

only asters showing color in the front garden

the back clearing is confettied with leaves, and most of our deciduous trees are nearly nekkid except those deeper in the woods. So in the thicket of deep green and vertical shadows there is YELLOW tucked in here and there, ash and some maples, an occasional birch...

Here there are no sirens, no delivery trucks, no hums of cars in the parking lot, no murmur of voices (except those in my head)...

I find myself eating more often, small bits, and my reflux is better for it.

I make tea all day long in an electric kettle that is remarkable in providing nearly immediate hot water gratification.

Yeah, I like working from home.

holding even

All is well,

working from home starting today (wow, fast computer bliss!)

and home feels so huge and empty now that my sister and her kids have headed back south....sigh.

looking forward to them coming back soon.

Imagine: electric guitar in the living room, basketball hoop in the driveway, gluten free chocolate cake (YUM) for my mom's birthday, leaves brilliant, wind wild, cold walks, and no doubt using up more than my fair allotment of babblingwordspouringout.

Baby still wiggly, and me? Still tired out. All as it should be.

Each day that passes is one day closer, and it is so amazing to be wondering: when?

14 days/38 weeks

Holy moly folks, today is 38 weeks. 14 days left until the official due date... Doug and I were talking yesterday about how neither of us can quite believe I am even pregnant, so yeah... wow.

38 weeks.

Loads of pelvic pressure and cramps that come and go, cervix pinches that come in clusters, and long stretches of normal big kate feelings....

Last night we lay in bed and watched the baby move---it was being so crazy we called my sister in to join us-- nice family bonding with alienbaby.

Dropped baby is supposed to mean easier breathing, bigger appetite and less reflux. OH how I wish those were true. Breath a little deeper unless I am lying down, still feeling pretty full (!) so eating is a tradeoff between want and discomfort, and reflux, damn it, still the same.

I am just a little more swollen each morning, hands take longer to feel flexible, and today my sister says I look puffy for the first time. I usually shower right away when I get up and today I didn't and I bet that activity helps keep fluids moving. I also only peed twice last night in spite of drinking about a gallon yesterday afternoon. Who knows what is what, but I do know this, a year ago, in the throes of screwed up cycles and cysts, I never would have imagined myself here.

Never would have imagined it.

all is well

all is well-- just a quick update to say all is about the same.

tea kettle on

cake getting ready for the oven

company coming for some SERIOUS family love

and yup, I'm still pregnant.

and my pants? no longer fit my ass. I'm just sayin'.

Ok, in reality, I have no ass, so that means the whole front shape has shifted me out of one of the two pairs that used to fit. The other is in the dryer. Glad it's family.

Oh Erin! Yes, I am going to hope for/try for a vaginal birth-- now that I am not high risk for any scary reason, we're doing this the relatively old fashioned way if we can.

thank you all for checking in on me- truly.

I'll keep you posted!

weekly OB

Quick update to say, please go send Mo some serious love. A faint second line means her hope is fading. (My hope is still intact for her, but that does not change how she feels).

Me? Overnight the baby dropped, no kidding, inches this time, and today's OB appointment with NST all showed normal everything. Holy crap.

I am strep B negative which is grand, so that was good news. Nice to have nothing new to worry about. Blood pressure fabulously normal.

So-- things are happening as they should with all attendant uncertainty. There are certain certainties of course, that this baby WILL come, and that life will never be the same.

Hot damn.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, 4 years ago, I went to Putney to the annual harvest festival. I stopped at the orchard for apples and cider doughnuts, and I went for a walk through the trees.

At the time, I was dating someone I loved but who did not want to have kids. And I knew, I knew how much I would regret it if I did not try, and I was so torn by knowing that making a choice meant I would lose no matter what.

At the end of one field, I came across an old pear tree, totally without leaves, but laden with fruit. Not yet battling infertility but knowing I was battling a ticking biological clock, I burst into tears. Something about those old bare branches making fruit, well, yeah....

With much heartbreak and conflictedness, I ended the relationship to make room for possibility and 6 months later I met Doug.

Today was my last day working from the office (praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is)- I start working from home on monday until the baby comes. My belly has changed shape a little bit, and I've been feeling a LOT of pressure sometimes, sometimes not much...sometimes crampy, sometimes not so much... I am not impatient about it all, just curious, but I admit I am not wanting to go long if at all possible. I have no desire to induce. But really? I feel I am along for the ride.

I feel astonished that I am so close to my due date. I am astonished that soon we'll have a little one here. Astonished that soon I will not feel my belly move like this, this crazy pressure, these waves of elbow or knee or rear traversing above and beyond my belly button. To be inhabited like this, well, it is beyond description. And yet, on the other hand, it feels just like what it is: a little one rolling around in there, with less space each day.

I find myself worrying that breast feeding won't work for us, or that pumping will suck... I skip labor in my head mostly, imagine the hospital in an abstract sort of way, but so much of this seems impossible-- Like I'm standing here with the brass ring and only have the vaguest idea of how I came to be holding it.

I'll try to post a little more to let you know what's up-- and my sister will be in touch here if something BIG happens and I am not able to update.

Tomorrow we have our OB appointment and non stress test....

they won't be checking my cervix unless I go long or the stress test indicates something that might need intervention...

So for now we wait and see. And me? I pray for sleep, which comes in 2 hour increments with much waking, much pelvic pain, and much general discomfort. WIsh I could sleep well, store it up, but apparently I'll be going into this exhausted. It's probably good training, or at least, that is what I tell myself.

This weekend is peak color here- spectacular. My mom will be visiting on saturday, and my sister and her kids will be up here too. Diversion or labor support circle? Time will tell.

Autumn

The intense unrelenting cramping slowed sometime overnight, and is at least is back down to a more familiar level of discomfort. That really wore me out (I know, I know, I don't know anything)-- but I finally asked it to either step up and be real or let me sleep. I finally slept.

Today I am tired but ok, the weather is magnificent beyond description-- the bluest sky I've ever seen, dazzling sunlight, cold, delicious.

I hope to walk to the end of my road and back- but with

Doug, not without him. I am not feeling so brave as to walk that far alone.

I only know one thing: This baby will arrive before the end of the second week of November.

I am both SO CURIOUS and so not wanting to rush it. Unless I am crampy like that and then, well, yes, I am more ready in those moments of discomfort.

I used to go to the Putney School in Putney Vermont-- 2 years that saved me-- and today is their annual harvest festival. In the old days, back when I thought I could eat wheat- I would go nearly every year to eat cider doughnuts at the local apple orchard, eat apple pie and pumpkin pie at the vendor stalls, and wander in the crowd both hoping to see and hoping not to see anyone I knew. I would walk always to the top of watertower (a long sloping hillside pasture with a magnificent view of Mt. Monadnock), and sit with the cows there, away from people, and just soak up the beauty of vermont in Autumn. (The top image is from a few years back from about most of the way down watertower, the barn is the Putney School barn-- yes, a real working farm).

This year I dare not go for obvious reasons - so we've made a plan to go next year with the little one-- our first scheduled planned-for family outing (I know there will be a million in between)-- but it was a bizarre moment where I projected into the future and saw me, and a baby, out in the world.

IF is a funny thing (HA, not so much)-- it makes Everything feel uncertain. Life is uncertain, I know, but to be plagued with knowing that in every moment really sucks the fun out of so many things. IF makes it easier to see failure as a probable outcome than success, and it is really hard to leave that sticky pile of shit behind, even on the cusp of a birth of a baby that is inside me right now. I still feel as if I am being cocky if I think this will actually work out, hope I have not jinxed things, one quiet baby day and all hell breaks loose inside me-- what if I lose?

I miss optmisitiKate. The one who assumed that All Will Be Well. I will try to find her on my walk today, in the low grade cramping, in the movement of this miracle baby, in my waddling roundness, in the countdown to our due date, in our making plans for next year, in this moment and in the next and in the next. Mindful and deliberate returning over and over to some semblance of optimism, or at least neutrality.

I'll go outside and watch the leaves fall, and try to see beauty instead of loss.

The lesson I learn again and again and again from the turning of the seasons is of beauty and its many forms, and nearly none of them stagnant.

I'm ok

Thank you all for your kindness, understanding and support.

Doug, bless him, made the Jeff stuff vanish (into tubs, into the garage) but upon further reflection, as is common, I realized there was much more going on too that made things more acute: A recent death of a young man, and a psychological revisiting of a lost family home... sometimes grief brings grief, you know? I have my own mythology-- that I am FINE. Sometimes the universe reminds me that yes, I am fine sometimes, but sometimes not so much.

Some Very Good Things:

Three cheers for Mo's transfer (HOPING HOPING HOPING)

I had the most amazingly wonderful time thursday evening- My dear friend Maya Stein held a local writing workshop, and everything about it reminded me of why I love writing, how much I love hearing other people's voices, the special magical power of language and honesty, and how much a heartfelt hug, a direct eye to eye conversation, an open heart, a true and delicious connection -- how much this all feeds me. I left feeling giddy with it all and reminded, once again, of how I love to feel.

OB appointment yesterday--my glucose check, normal pregnant lady stepB swab, and, because of our IVF, a non-stress test... the NST was a treat, 20 minutes listening to that wild thumping...

And today? Since I got up, deep unabating uncomfortable menstrual-like cramping, way low, holy crap uncomfortable, no rhythm but distracting enough so I can barely read. I had tea and fake toast, and am trying to hydrate. Will try some soy yoghurt soon, but sheesh, very uncomfortable.

The doc wants to hear from me if: blood, contractions 5 minutes apart for an hour, any fluid gush or dibble--

this is none of that... this is Other-- this is just holy shit cramps that I cannot calm with position changes.

I know this could be transient and simply pass, or it could last days or weeks.

All I know is Things Are Happening, even if I do not know the time frame.

Excited, not ready, curious, terrified, hopeful....

I am kate, I am complex

Yes, I am kate, I am complex.

As I move toward the realization that time is running out and soon, I will move from being pregnant to being responsible for another human being,

I have also been realizing that a lot of grief is coming up.

This is not about how lucky I am to be pregnant, believe me, I know I am with every astonished fiber of my being. It is miraculous beyond imagining.

This is not about grieving my "single" days, my days of grabbing my tiny wallet and taking impulsive trips to the store or to vermont or to my sister.

This is old grief. This is the stuff that lies there, buried sometimes under just a dusting of good fortune and amazement and luck. And now, with all of these huge emotions beginning to stir, I am stirring up the old grief too.

I did not expect this, and it is hard to feel so happy and yet so haunted.

Jeff's things, what are left of them in my life, are in the closet in the mud room. They are in a pile in the corner so I know where they are, and what they are, a self protective move I made long ago to keep myself from stumbling across a book, a tape measure, a photo...

A few weeks ago, my beloved sister was visiting with her family and she helped me clean and sort some places where detritus seemed to accumulate naturally-- the baby room I was never sure I would use, the mudroom, the mudroom closet. And I stumbled across a box I had not labeled well, opened it with innocence, and found photos. It was simply in the wrong corner of the closet.

As part of our sorting, we took the closet doors off, and, as a consequence of the doors being off, as I walk in each night, I see the boxes. My eyes go there. Touchstone. I know what they are. I know what they hold. And I am feeling the grief pulling at me, the questions coming as they have always (quietly mostly)-- asking what right I have to be happy in the face of such a loss that I have never truly reconciled.

And I feel something akin to shame.

How do I even talk about this? It sounds crazy. But I am serious here, this sadness, this feeling somehow connected backwards to the loss of Jeff, is feeling so current.

Is it the open doorway? The accidental stumble on the photos? Or is it just LIFE CHANGING and that unsteady reassessment of everything, knowing only that I am stepping into the unknown.

My dear friend Will lost his wife two years ago to suicide--and I wonder if that is part of this too? If the season is pulling at me. My other blogger blog is about my response to Will's loss and to losing Jeff and a place to let grief come, and I have tried to not let it slob over into this realm very often since it feels, in many ways at least, like a different life.

But it isn't. It wasn't.

I need to be gentle with myself right now (always), be protective, move the boxes to the basement maybe, a not-everyday-place. I am someone who cries when something is beautiful, my heart just opens like that. And this openness is such a gift, except when it isn't.