we should do this thing
no we shouldn't. it is crazy. irresponsible, it probably won't work anyway...
no really, we should. if not now, never, right? we should go for it!
no we shouldn't. oh, so much money. this time there is no donated follistim or menopur. we cannot really afford it. and the chances are so low anyway...
yes we should. this is our one last chance. I turn 42 in 2 weeks. the doc said yes. we should go for it....
what the hell am I thinking?
Apparently, this.
The doc said we can do another cycle. Suggests an "Antagon" cycle (anyone out there with experience to share?)-- it is shorter than the classic lupron cycle in terms of number of injections (yay)-- No BCP's..Stims start a few days after cycle day 2 or 3. Then when the lead follicle is about 14mm, stims plus an antagonist (why, why, why do I always think of Antigone? NOT a good association) to keep ovulation from occuring...then, when everyone is ready...hCG this time in the butt not the belly...
He has no idea what happened in my last cycle. Why the follicles were mostly fluid and only a few with granulosa cells. He is decreasing my dostinex (for a pituitary tumor that secretes prolactin in wee bitty amounts).
I asked about DHEA. About estrogen priming. About lupron flare protocols and whether we can test the hCG level the day after the injection and the day before egg retrieval to make sure it is "ok".... no to DHEA, no to estrogen priming. He likes using antagonists for second cycles...
So now, we want to do this, but there are no medications donated at the moment (anyone with extra menopur or follistim? I'll send you cookies), and we cannot afford to take on that additional debt load.
But, of course, we might anyway. Might, ha. you know we will.
This, my friends, is the evil slippery slope of IVF. You try once. You cancel early. You want to try again. Since you never know: Maybe this time. Maybe this time. Maybe this time...
30 January 2009
27 January 2009
pro-creativity
hCG after non-egg retrieval was 339. Dr appointment for follow-up on February 5th.
I wanted to thank you all for your support and kindness. This really has sucked rocks. And I am trying really hard to not *worry* too much about what the doc will say. PragmaticKate says whatever is is. But really? To be honest? My heart is set on it. So it will suck if the doc says no. With such job uncertainty I know going ahead with another cycle is insane. To take on more debt is nutty. But I think I need to try again if the Doc does not think it is crazy.
As I kind of indicated in my first post, I sure am used to not being good at things. But I always felt that if I worked harder, or learned more, I could become better at them-- that somehow it was up to me, influenced by the amount of effort I am willing to apply, by my own tenacity.
But this? This is something I can't do anything about- I can make things worse--I can sabotage or screw things up, or I can stop trying, but it is hard to know how to improve things, to somehow get "better" at it.
I will probably never learn latin. Or bellydancing. Or bull riding or phlebotomy or botany or go to the moon.
Some of my limitations are now about "time"-- do I want to spend that amount of time learning X so I can Y.....? Being in my 40s makes me realize time is not infinite. I never felt immortal, but I did feel like I could do things "someday"-- it is odd to think that while this may be true for many things, it is not true for everything. And now, it is more a game of this or that.
I am trying to balance the sides of my brain- trying to honor my creativity as well as my analytical nature.
I am loving yoga and hiking.
I hope to attend at least one truly creative workshop this year.
I hope to finish a draft of my novella. I hope to throw some paint on a canvas for the first time since I was a little kid.
I may not be able to be pro-creative in the way I hoped, and I may not be able to do much to improve my pro-creativity, but I sure can be creative in other ways.
I wanted to thank you all for your support and kindness. This really has sucked rocks. And I am trying really hard to not *worry* too much about what the doc will say. PragmaticKate says whatever is is. But really? To be honest? My heart is set on it. So it will suck if the doc says no. With such job uncertainty I know going ahead with another cycle is insane. To take on more debt is nutty. But I think I need to try again if the Doc does not think it is crazy.
As I kind of indicated in my first post, I sure am used to not being good at things. But I always felt that if I worked harder, or learned more, I could become better at them-- that somehow it was up to me, influenced by the amount of effort I am willing to apply, by my own tenacity.
But this? This is something I can't do anything about- I can make things worse--I can sabotage or screw things up, or I can stop trying, but it is hard to know how to improve things, to somehow get "better" at it.
I will probably never learn latin. Or bellydancing. Or bull riding or phlebotomy or botany or go to the moon.
Some of my limitations are now about "time"-- do I want to spend that amount of time learning X so I can Y.....? Being in my 40s makes me realize time is not infinite. I never felt immortal, but I did feel like I could do things "someday"-- it is odd to think that while this may be true for many things, it is not true for everything. And now, it is more a game of this or that.
I am trying to balance the sides of my brain- trying to honor my creativity as well as my analytical nature.
I am loving yoga and hiking.
I hope to attend at least one truly creative workshop this year.
I hope to finish a draft of my novella. I hope to throw some paint on a canvas for the first time since I was a little kid.
I may not be able to be pro-creative in the way I hoped, and I may not be able to do much to improve my pro-creativity, but I sure can be creative in other ways.
25 January 2009
sunday
Today was hard, we would have transferred today. I did not seek out things to make me blue, but I woke with it already in my heart. It is not awful, I have had some days now to get used to it. But it did make me sad.
Joannah asked me about acupuncture-- yes I am doing it, and yes it freaks me out a little (needles) but I really like the guy who is my practitioner and the needles are so fine that it is only truly uncomfortable once in a while. I started about 6 weeks ahead- maybe 8... and I will continue while we figure out what the hell we are doing. I canceled my appointment yesterday (my pre-transfer appointment) since I was simply not able to deal with it. But I will go tuesday as I have been.
Oh Maredsous, thank you so much for your comment and oh, I hate your outcome and I am so sorry. I wish we did not have this uncommon thing in common. This is so crazy. I wish on you complete and simple success in your next attempt.
Like so many of us on the heels of a failure, I've researched options, find myself considering things-- estrogen priming, DHEA, IVF in the Czech republic to save money, or an expensive round in Colorado where they have better luck with women over 40 than other clinics in the US-and do pre-transfer genetic testing (not an option at my clinic)... I am not quite to the point of smoking goat bile or whatever but I am all for chemicals and small needles
I mean heck, isn't that what IVF is all about?
Luckily, I'll talk with someone tomorrow at the Dr's office, and get some information on what's next, even if what is next is simply an appointment.
Joannah asked me about acupuncture-- yes I am doing it, and yes it freaks me out a little (needles) but I really like the guy who is my practitioner and the needles are so fine that it is only truly uncomfortable once in a while. I started about 6 weeks ahead- maybe 8... and I will continue while we figure out what the hell we are doing. I canceled my appointment yesterday (my pre-transfer appointment) since I was simply not able to deal with it. But I will go tuesday as I have been.
Oh Maredsous, thank you so much for your comment and oh, I hate your outcome and I am so sorry. I wish we did not have this uncommon thing in common. This is so crazy. I wish on you complete and simple success in your next attempt.
Like so many of us on the heels of a failure, I've researched options, find myself considering things-- estrogen priming, DHEA, IVF in the Czech republic to save money, or an expensive round in Colorado where they have better luck with women over 40 than other clinics in the US-and do pre-transfer genetic testing (not an option at my clinic)... I am not quite to the point of smoking goat bile or whatever but I am all for chemicals and small needles
I mean heck, isn't that what IVF is all about?
Luckily, I'll talk with someone tomorrow at the Dr's office, and get some information on what's next, even if what is next is simply an appointment.
24 January 2009
EFS, WTF?
I'm ok. Dumbstruck and dumbfounded, but ok. I do not have more news yet, I haven't connected with the doctor to hear the blood test results. I just left a message.
So, WTF?
You know, when we do this crazy thing called IVF, we think we know what to worry about. As an over-40 person, I knew the chance of success is low. At most 1 in 6. I also knew the chance of miscarriage is high, 40% or more. I knew I might not respond. I knew I might get only a few eggs if I did respond. I knew that only some of those eggs may fertilize. I knew that some or all of those fertilized eggs may not make it to transfer day. I knew that if some made it, maybe none of the transferred embryos might implant. I knew that if any did, it may not be in the right place. Or may not stick around. Or may turn out to be genetically abnormal.
So each of these scenarios, sucky SUCKY as they are, at least passed through my mind more than once as possible. But I had never heard of anyone gettting to retrieval and getting no eggs. Never.
Dr. Google says it is highly uncommon. A generic term is "empty follicle syndrome" (EFS) althought the jury is out about whether this is ever actually possible-- that they are ever truly empty. But it does not matter to me. No eggs aspirated = no eggs for IVF.
Apparently most of the instances of this syndrome can be traced to hCG not being either injected correctly, or at the right time, or having the batch somehow not be a good one, or that it clears from the system too fast or whatever. That is why they tested for hCG that day and kept asking if I had done the trigger shot. When?, how?, was I sure?. Folks, I am an engineer whose dreams were riding on this. I did the shot with the attention to detail one would expect -- I started early to make sure that little tablet truly dissolved but with no foam-- sucked evey last bit out of that vial. Injected in a known spot. Yes, there was a little blood when I took the needle out- but not enough for me to panic and think I had hit something major like a vein. I'd used that spot before and had chosen it since I knew it was a good spot for me. When we got home, I checked the bottle, checked the expiration date. Checked to make sure the bottle was truly empty. Not expired, yes empty.
So now I am totally curious about what my level was, how that happened, and how that will impact what we do next.
In the meantime, here at chez kate, once we got through that inital wave of grief, we've talked a lot and both feel we did not get a chance to truly see this option through. We both expected (!) we'd get to transfer and then, whatever happened happened. But since we did not get there, we are thinking about the possiblity of trying another cycle (maybe we can do better next time) which completely stuns me. Financially this sucks since really, I was only willing to go into this much debt (hands held about 2 ' apart) and of course a new cycle, even with donated medications, is going to be expensive. And the missed transfer etc. is such a small portion of the cost of the cycle that we prepaid, it is not as if we "saved" much money by skipping that.
In reality, Dr. M may say I'm done. He was completely shocked. He is "the guy" up at the clinic, the head honcho, and I have known him for more than 2 years and like him a lot. He is straightforward and non-bullshitty. Not a guy who'll blow sunshine up your, um, whatever. Anyway I trust him implicitly. I sure will be interested to see what he says.
Emotionally? This feels crazy. I felt so sad I could not breathe. Felt dreams crumbling away faster than I could gather up the pieces. I realized that even if I had gotten to transfer, even if the embryo or embryos did not stay, in that moment, I would be carrying (hosting?) dividing cells. I know this sounds insane, but I know, knowing that, that I would feel just a tiny little bit pregnant. And that somehow I was counting on that experience.
Now I feel kind of numb, kind of distant, kind of pragmatic. Just wanting to know to the best of our ability what the hell happened and what is suggested for a next step.
But I am already dreading hearing that I am done. I am not ready mourn the loss of this last option. I will if I have to, but I do not want to.
Thank you for your kind words. And for those of you stepping into this, or who are on the path behind me, do not panic. This is really, really rare.
So, WTF?
You know, when we do this crazy thing called IVF, we think we know what to worry about. As an over-40 person, I knew the chance of success is low. At most 1 in 6. I also knew the chance of miscarriage is high, 40% or more. I knew I might not respond. I knew I might get only a few eggs if I did respond. I knew that only some of those eggs may fertilize. I knew that some or all of those fertilized eggs may not make it to transfer day. I knew that if some made it, maybe none of the transferred embryos might implant. I knew that if any did, it may not be in the right place. Or may not stick around. Or may turn out to be genetically abnormal.
So each of these scenarios, sucky SUCKY as they are, at least passed through my mind more than once as possible. But I had never heard of anyone gettting to retrieval and getting no eggs. Never.
Dr. Google says it is highly uncommon. A generic term is "empty follicle syndrome" (EFS) althought the jury is out about whether this is ever actually possible-- that they are ever truly empty. But it does not matter to me. No eggs aspirated = no eggs for IVF.
Apparently most of the instances of this syndrome can be traced to hCG not being either injected correctly, or at the right time, or having the batch somehow not be a good one, or that it clears from the system too fast or whatever. That is why they tested for hCG that day and kept asking if I had done the trigger shot. When?, how?, was I sure?. Folks, I am an engineer whose dreams were riding on this. I did the shot with the attention to detail one would expect -- I started early to make sure that little tablet truly dissolved but with no foam-- sucked evey last bit out of that vial. Injected in a known spot. Yes, there was a little blood when I took the needle out- but not enough for me to panic and think I had hit something major like a vein. I'd used that spot before and had chosen it since I knew it was a good spot for me. When we got home, I checked the bottle, checked the expiration date. Checked to make sure the bottle was truly empty. Not expired, yes empty.
So now I am totally curious about what my level was, how that happened, and how that will impact what we do next.
In the meantime, here at chez kate, once we got through that inital wave of grief, we've talked a lot and both feel we did not get a chance to truly see this option through. We both expected (!) we'd get to transfer and then, whatever happened happened. But since we did not get there, we are thinking about the possiblity of trying another cycle (maybe we can do better next time) which completely stuns me. Financially this sucks since really, I was only willing to go into this much debt (hands held about 2 ' apart) and of course a new cycle, even with donated medications, is going to be expensive. And the missed transfer etc. is such a small portion of the cost of the cycle that we prepaid, it is not as if we "saved" much money by skipping that.
In reality, Dr. M may say I'm done. He was completely shocked. He is "the guy" up at the clinic, the head honcho, and I have known him for more than 2 years and like him a lot. He is straightforward and non-bullshitty. Not a guy who'll blow sunshine up your, um, whatever. Anyway I trust him implicitly. I sure will be interested to see what he says.
Emotionally? This feels crazy. I felt so sad I could not breathe. Felt dreams crumbling away faster than I could gather up the pieces. I realized that even if I had gotten to transfer, even if the embryo or embryos did not stay, in that moment, I would be carrying (hosting?) dividing cells. I know this sounds insane, but I know, knowing that, that I would feel just a tiny little bit pregnant. And that somehow I was counting on that experience.
Now I feel kind of numb, kind of distant, kind of pragmatic. Just wanting to know to the best of our ability what the hell happened and what is suggested for a next step.
But I am already dreading hearing that I am done. I am not ready mourn the loss of this last option. I will if I have to, but I do not want to.
Thank you for your kind words. And for those of you stepping into this, or who are on the path behind me, do not panic. This is really, really rare.
22 January 2009
21 January 2009
pretty much kinda
scared out of my wits.
So, tonight we head up north to be near the clinic for tomorrow morning (so we do not have to get up at 4--seems reasonable)-- but we will not be there until midnight or later. Sleep is so overrated. um. not. anyway. I am scared and thought I would just stop by and say so.
I know everything will probably be fine. I find myself focused on details- on being worried about the IV, or if I will need to go to the bathroom, or my fear of the discomfort afterward. I am not scared about the eggs. For some reason, that is not freaking me out.
The emotions today have been weird. I am TIRED yes, all caps. And have little reserve. Find emotions pretty close to the surface.
Ahh that's right, I wanted to talk about emotions.
On clomid, I not only felt sad, a bone deep sad that felt like it was going to stay forever.... but I also felt a whole lot of other things-- like I wanted to be alone, that I did not want to have kids... really friggin helpful when one is trying to conceive. I kept telling myself, each month, when those feelings came up again, it was just the clomid, but it is really hard to keep a hold of truth if it only feels ok 20% of the time... the rest of the time, I wanted to take to the woods, eat ramen noodles or cereal for dinner, spend time alone. So some of the emotions that have come up lately, since the stim portion of this month's entertaiment, have been those- suddenly questioning everything and wondering if I really want to do this.
These drugs? They kick my ass. They make me sad and feel like I'd rather live alone than anything. And when I am not on them, this is NOT how I feel. So I know better, but it is hard to remember this when there is so much emotional intensity. Nearly everything I feel on these is totally counter productive.
Anyway, other folks get mad on clomid and these other stim drugs, or moody or whatever. Not me. The lupron was lovely. I felt like ME. the real me. kate.
But in this moment, these stim drugs plus tired plus scared? well.. let's just say I am not feeling strong and resolute...more chickenshit and waffly.
But hey,
that's just the drugs talking.
Thanks for listening.
So, tonight we head up north to be near the clinic for tomorrow morning (so we do not have to get up at 4--seems reasonable)-- but we will not be there until midnight or later. Sleep is so overrated. um. not. anyway. I am scared and thought I would just stop by and say so.
I know everything will probably be fine. I find myself focused on details- on being worried about the IV, or if I will need to go to the bathroom, or my fear of the discomfort afterward. I am not scared about the eggs. For some reason, that is not freaking me out.
The emotions today have been weird. I am TIRED yes, all caps. And have little reserve. Find emotions pretty close to the surface.
Ahh that's right, I wanted to talk about emotions.
On clomid, I not only felt sad, a bone deep sad that felt like it was going to stay forever.... but I also felt a whole lot of other things-- like I wanted to be alone, that I did not want to have kids... really friggin helpful when one is trying to conceive. I kept telling myself, each month, when those feelings came up again, it was just the clomid, but it is really hard to keep a hold of truth if it only feels ok 20% of the time... the rest of the time, I wanted to take to the woods, eat ramen noodles or cereal for dinner, spend time alone. So some of the emotions that have come up lately, since the stim portion of this month's entertaiment, have been those- suddenly questioning everything and wondering if I really want to do this.
These drugs? They kick my ass. They make me sad and feel like I'd rather live alone than anything. And when I am not on them, this is NOT how I feel. So I know better, but it is hard to remember this when there is so much emotional intensity. Nearly everything I feel on these is totally counter productive.
Anyway, other folks get mad on clomid and these other stim drugs, or moody or whatever. Not me. The lupron was lovely. I felt like ME. the real me. kate.
But in this moment, these stim drugs plus tired plus scared? well.. let's just say I am not feeling strong and resolute...more chickenshit and waffly.
But hey,
that's just the drugs talking.
Thanks for listening.
wee bit sore
Just a quick update to say the hCG injection was subcutaneous not intramuscular, and the area is sore as hell today (firey bruise) when poked (the cat stepped on it) but just your average sore when left alone. No bruise, no welt.
Thinking of Maredsous who is having her egg retrieval as we speak.
And, in this brief lull, how great to have a day without injections.
Thinking of Maredsous who is having her egg retrieval as we speak.
And, in this brief lull, how great to have a day without injections.
20 January 2009
trigger
Besides the trauma of NOT WANTING TO FUCQ UP the mixing process, really? This was nothing. So, for those worrying? Don't. This one is not bad. Truly. It does take a bit for the pellet thingy to dissolve, so start early.
I did two shots (asked permission to do so when I spoke with Sharon this afternoon) to keep the volume per shot down. I iced the area first with my delightful little frozen clementine, and voila! Done! just.like.that.
No pain, no sting, no big deal. A little more blood for some reason. I'm still icing.
I still want to talk about the emotional stuff sometime, but right now? I have an Obama groove on.
I did two shots (asked permission to do so when I spoke with Sharon this afternoon) to keep the volume per shot down. I iced the area first with my delightful little frozen clementine, and voila! Done! just.like.that.
No pain, no sting, no big deal. A little more blood for some reason. I'm still icing.
I still want to talk about the emotional stuff sometime, but right now? I have an Obama groove on.
Tonight!
Holy moly, I just got the call, I trigger tonight. Retrieval on thursday morning. Hoping for 5 (so says Sharon, the coordinating nurse with whom I spoke), and I am ok with that.
For those keeping track, E2 2246, follicles at 21 20 18 15 14 and one or two littler ones...it is stim day 11.
I'll report back after the HCG shot tonight. I realize that of all the things I've read, folks usually just say "yeah, I did that" and do not say much about what it is like. I'll try to tell you.
And this morning? Stimming in the bathroom at the center? (sounds naughtier than it was, trust me)-- I dropped my mixing needle into the toilet. Luckily I had a second injection needle with me (I kept an extra one in my travel ziplock "just in case")-- phew. Crisis averted.
Then as I was telling my story, my smart sister asked if I just got another needle from the clinic. Um no. I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF IT. As for stimming in the bathroom? Let's say I went to the check-in window and asked for a room for a few minutes to do the injection, I bet, I bet they would have let me use that instead. I never even thought of that either.
So much for clear thinking. Yikes.
PS Today I am feeling VERY HOPEFUL and proud to be an American. I am very very clear about that.
For those keeping track, E2 2246, follicles at 21 20 18 15 14 and one or two littler ones...it is stim day 11.
I'll report back after the HCG shot tonight. I realize that of all the things I've read, folks usually just say "yeah, I did that" and do not say much about what it is like. I'll try to tell you.
And this morning? Stimming in the bathroom at the center? (sounds naughtier than it was, trust me)-- I dropped my mixing needle into the toilet. Luckily I had a second injection needle with me (I kept an extra one in my travel ziplock "just in case")-- phew. Crisis averted.
Then as I was telling my story, my smart sister asked if I just got another needle from the clinic. Um no. I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF IT. As for stimming in the bathroom? Let's say I went to the check-in window and asked for a room for a few minutes to do the injection, I bet, I bet they would have let me use that instead. I never even thought of that either.
So much for clear thinking. Yikes.
PS Today I am feeling VERY HOPEFUL and proud to be an American. I am very very clear about that.
19 January 2009
12 13 14 15 17 18
So this afternoon I got the full story from a really nice nurse named Sharon. She began by asking if I knew anything yet, if I had been told anything during the scan. I told her I knew I did not have that many follicles, but that there were two that seemed good sized.
Only one follicle at 18. And the tiny one? Not quite as tiny. My E2 is 1615 which is good. We talked about IUI vs IVF and said it was my call but that they felt it was ok to go ahead even considering our numbers, and considering our plan to do just one cycle. So another ultrasound tomorrow morning with another E2. They'll probably have me stim one more day, maybe two. The clinic has some donated medication that they will give me if a second day is needed which is just amazing.
My emotions are still wacky, wish I did not go so easily to the sad places. Wish I got bitchy instead. I may cover this topic in another post sometime. But for now, I am tired and need to be up early so I am going to end here.
Only one follicle at 18. And the tiny one? Not quite as tiny. My E2 is 1615 which is good. We talked about IUI vs IVF and said it was my call but that they felt it was ok to go ahead even considering our numbers, and considering our plan to do just one cycle. So another ultrasound tomorrow morning with another E2. They'll probably have me stim one more day, maybe two. The clinic has some donated medication that they will give me if a second day is needed which is just amazing.
My emotions are still wacky, wish I did not go so easily to the sad places. Wish I got bitchy instead. I may cover this topic in another post sometime. But for now, I am tired and need to be up early so I am going to end here.
6, with 2 > 18
The ultrasound this morning was with a nice person named Julie who actually introduced herself to me before the procedure. 6 follicles this time, including a tiny new one (10mm) since friday. 2 of them over 18mm already so, we'll see what the E2 says. I should hear the official report this afternoon about what is next and will update tonight.
I have only enough medications for tomorrow. So if they want me to go longer, well, the logistics have me a little worried. I know the amazing pharmacy will help if I need something fast (free overnight shipping, bless them). But really? I am ready to be done.
I have to say, the emotional side of this is starting to kick my ass. I'm feel pretty well wrung out. I am ok- really, I am. I just am aware of an upswing in the same kind of creepingshit thinking that is oh so familiar to me from the clomid days. So. I am trying to keep a handle on it since really, that is all I can do. But, this part is clear: I do not want to feel this way.
Thanks to Maredsous and Joannah and GradeA and Sarah and bb and Elle and Nic and Mo and B (alas,no link!) and Alyssa and Karen and my own fine sister for your kind comments and sweet support. While I am feeling far from brave, I sure am feeling supported. Thank you all.
I have only enough medications for tomorrow. So if they want me to go longer, well, the logistics have me a little worried. I know the amazing pharmacy will help if I need something fast (free overnight shipping, bless them). But really? I am ready to be done.
I have to say, the emotional side of this is starting to kick my ass. I'm feel pretty well wrung out. I am ok- really, I am. I just am aware of an upswing in the same kind of creepingshit thinking that is oh so familiar to me from the clomid days. So. I am trying to keep a handle on it since really, that is all I can do. But, this part is clear: I do not want to feel this way.
Thanks to Maredsous and Joannah and GradeA and Sarah and bb and Elle and Nic and Mo and B (alas,no link!) and Alyssa and Karen and my own fine sister for your kind comments and sweet support. While I am feeling far from brave, I sure am feeling supported. Thank you all.
17 January 2009
On-line
Miraculously, I am back on line. So,
about the 5. No idea what the measurements are (but all over 10)-- I did not take them down during the ultrasound, and did not ask when they called. E2 616, so I stim through the weekend and have my next ultrasound/E2 on monday morning. I pulled myself back from the brink of... I don't know, not quite despair, but a very discouraged state-- reminded myself I am lucky to have any. Lucky to be responding at all. There are no tricks to pull here, I am on the max dose for my clinic. So this is it. The U/S technician did not mention other follicles so I have no idea if I have more lurking. Saw very few. 2 on one side, 3 on the other. Learned I have one VERY posterior ovary (LOVED the magic wand manipulation to find that one. um. Not). So that should help on monday when they go searching.
Mood-- well, I have learned that getting tired = descending into blue hell. I find myself questioning not just my future, but finding my dreams filled with exes and my heart all knotted up in a wild morass of regrets so stupid and unproductive that it is hard to even talk about it. On clomid I felt such regret and sadness for losses and lost opportunities-- I do not even like brushing up against this feeling. So, after a really nice day with a good friend, and a pretty amazing documentary, I am finding myself blue and on the verge of spiraling and clearly in need of a nap. So, I've got an hour and 15 minutes until I have to do the shot thang. Think I'll take advantage of it.
Thank you all for your kind comments and words of support. I really appreciate it.
about the 5. No idea what the measurements are (but all over 10)-- I did not take them down during the ultrasound, and did not ask when they called. E2 616, so I stim through the weekend and have my next ultrasound/E2 on monday morning. I pulled myself back from the brink of... I don't know, not quite despair, but a very discouraged state-- reminded myself I am lucky to have any. Lucky to be responding at all. There are no tricks to pull here, I am on the max dose for my clinic. So this is it. The U/S technician did not mention other follicles so I have no idea if I have more lurking. Saw very few. 2 on one side, 3 on the other. Learned I have one VERY posterior ovary (LOVED the magic wand manipulation to find that one. um. Not). So that should help on monday when they go searching.
Mood-- well, I have learned that getting tired = descending into blue hell. I find myself questioning not just my future, but finding my dreams filled with exes and my heart all knotted up in a wild morass of regrets so stupid and unproductive that it is hard to even talk about it. On clomid I felt such regret and sadness for losses and lost opportunities-- I do not even like brushing up against this feeling. So, after a really nice day with a good friend, and a pretty amazing documentary, I am finding myself blue and on the verge of spiraling and clearly in need of a nap. So, I've got an hour and 15 minutes until I have to do the shot thang. Think I'll take advantage of it.
Thank you all for your kind comments and words of support. I really appreciate it.
16 January 2009
14 January 2009
All hail the menopur
All hail the menopur. NO welts, no incessant stinging. Just an ouch, and done with some sting. The night dose (150) aches and stings more. But this is so much better, I am not going to complain. My vials came today (Ascend pharmacy in Portland Maine is simply amazing. Their customer service is incredible.)
For those wondering, the injection needle for the stims is 30 gauge, very tiny thin, lovely.
Next ultrasound/E2 draw friday morning. I have to do an injection right before my appointment. I am really glad I am a little better at this now.
Still no internet at home, but I am working on it. Sorry to be brief.
For those wondering, the injection needle for the stims is 30 gauge, very tiny thin, lovely.
Next ultrasound/E2 draw friday morning. I have to do an injection right before my appointment. I am really glad I am a little better at this now.
Still no internet at home, but I am working on it. Sorry to be brief.
13 January 2009
1000 words, triptych
Um so yea.... Welcome to my belly. The welts are redder in real life.
That is what I get for boasting about the lupron. "Only one little bruise once!", I boasted.
Well. So.
Am I liking Repronex? Not so much. Guess what medication was donated to me? Of course.. of course it was the repronex to which I am responding badly. Welts that last days, and turn to bruises at the end. I am not averse to adverse side effects of the surface sort, heck, I'm a red head. Name two days in a row that were rash free... but... the kind nurse up at Dartmouth said that sometimes folks who have more significant site reactions do not respond as well to the medication in the ways we want..... and the last thing I want is to not respond (!) so she suggested a med change to Menopur (I had 6 vials here, which is 2 days worth)...
So, $1001.17 later, 18 vials of Menopur will arrive tomorrow with some more needles.
I'd like to tell you of my various foibles-- my accident with the fucQing Qcap that left about 300$ worth of medication dribbling down my hand (PRACTICE ON EXTRA VIALS OF DILUENT PEOPLE not the real stuff--- I am using the big mixing needles now, screw it).... my forgetting completely to add the lupron and having to inject myself twice yesterday morning....
I'd like to tell you that in some areas of my life I am actually competent. Although, for the life of me I am having a hard time remembering what areas those are.
So-- the stim injections: the needle! oooo so very fine. finer than the lupron needle. lovely. BUT the stuff inside? beesting. with same pain arc: ow ow OW OW ow ow ow ow ow ok ok ok ... dang that stings.... cool compresses help-- I have frozen a clementine that is just the right shape. I do not do ice well. So this is cold but not melty, great over one layer of t-shirt or whatever. Pops back into the freezer between uses.
Worst issue so far is the skin reaction, which hopefully will just resolve and the Menopur will keep from happening (today's test injection was painful and immediately red, but then, no welt! whoo hoo!)-- so I am definitely switching over. My skin and muscle hurt from this surface reaction, but my insides are quiet still. Some headachy stuff, some achy stuff.
I asked the nurse when I should expect some internal sensations and she said not before day 5. And tomorrow is day 5.
So for those wondering: does it hurt? yes, it stings like a bitch. but not for all that long. and a few days in, it is just a "yeah I know this pain" sort of pain.
For those who have listened so sweetly to my odd relationship with self injection, I say this: It is easier now than it was. It really only took about 6 days of lupron before I was "ok". Now I just do this thing. I try not to think about what I am actually doing as I put the needle in, but these are so fine, that part is truly the least of the issue. The medication itself is pretty intense. I flush bright red. But then? It's over, a 12 hour reprieve. And this is only for one more week at most I hope.
Ok, emotionally-- things are fine. No kidding. I am peaceful, uninsane, not clomid-y, not swingy... maybe this will change but for now, I'm happily me. Complete with welts and stripeypants. Hope the internet is back on at home soon, hate sneaking at work. Sorry for the intermittency.
12 January 2009
soon
So much to tell, and no time at the moment. No internet at home, but will update when I can.
I started stims saturday morning- and I can safely say I am not liking these shots so far. Looking forward to telling you more.
Nic and GradeA-- thank you so much for your comments-- for weird but different reasons I cannot comment on your blogs. So I tucked in a response in the comment block on dunkin donuts.
Hope to post an update soon.
I started stims saturday morning- and I can safely say I am not liking these shots so far. Looking forward to telling you more.
Nic and GradeA-- thank you so much for your comments-- for weird but different reasons I cannot comment on your blogs. So I tucked in a response in the comment block on dunkin donuts.
Hope to post an update soon.
09 January 2009
dunkin donuts
So today I injected myself in a dunkin donuts bathroom -- truly bizarre, but successful. I felt so clandestine and sneaky and equipped with secret stuff like I did when I first carried tampons.
This morning, I woke at 4:30 with a bright sky and snow and setting moon. Then again out of the oddest dreams at 6:00. I left very early to get to the clinic. Midway I stopped and did my thing at DD, and apparently that delayed me just enough so that rush hour started for real and I got stuck in traffic. Really stuck. I kept thinking it would break up and get moving, but finally I realized I was going to be late, so I called, apologized profusely, and spent some time managing my anxiety while creeping forward one car's length, then stopping, creeping then stopping. Finally made it to the clinic not too horribly late and did the ultrasound first. It was with a nice technician who told me what she was doing and seeing and gave me the immediate feedback that all looked good. I had done this whole transvaginal ultrasound once before in the midst of the mock transfer/hystosonogram visit last month so at least I knew a little about what to expect with the wand. But I am completely sure the next time will suck once anything is sore in there. Then back to the waiting room where I accidentally picked up a glossy magazine that was all about cancers but in a really amazing package- loads of information about trials, symptoms, diagnoses, survivors, thrivers, folks living with and in spite of... My other options were AARP, fit pregnancy and parenting.
After a few minutes, I was brought back into a room for a physical- which was with a great nurse practioner I would not mind seeing again-- she had humor and humanity and was smart and attentive. A really nice combination. Then down to get bloodwork, a bit of a wait in an insanely crowded little waiting room. Then done!
At 1:00 I got a call from Nancy up at Dartmouth- she said the tests were fine and I am good to go. So tomorrow? IT BEGINS. I will miss this little emotional lull that I've been experiencing. I have felt remarkably katelike. I actually laughed out loud several times when out with my dear friend Tammy on wednesday night. And I honestly cannot remember the last time I did that. Not trying to bring it upon myself, but I am pretty sure these next meds will not be so kind.
So for those interested, I am on the max dosage protocol in my clinic--which looks like this:
morning: 5IU Lupron + 150 Follistim + 75 repronex or menopur
evening: 75 Follistim + 150 repronex or menopur
Next check up? Next friday. Cue the ominous music.
This morning, I woke at 4:30 with a bright sky and snow and setting moon. Then again out of the oddest dreams at 6:00. I left very early to get to the clinic. Midway I stopped and did my thing at DD, and apparently that delayed me just enough so that rush hour started for real and I got stuck in traffic. Really stuck. I kept thinking it would break up and get moving, but finally I realized I was going to be late, so I called, apologized profusely, and spent some time managing my anxiety while creeping forward one car's length, then stopping, creeping then stopping. Finally made it to the clinic not too horribly late and did the ultrasound first. It was with a nice technician who told me what she was doing and seeing and gave me the immediate feedback that all looked good. I had done this whole transvaginal ultrasound once before in the midst of the mock transfer/hystosonogram visit last month so at least I knew a little about what to expect with the wand. But I am completely sure the next time will suck once anything is sore in there. Then back to the waiting room where I accidentally picked up a glossy magazine that was all about cancers but in a really amazing package- loads of information about trials, symptoms, diagnoses, survivors, thrivers, folks living with and in spite of... My other options were AARP, fit pregnancy and parenting.
After a few minutes, I was brought back into a room for a physical- which was with a great nurse practioner I would not mind seeing again-- she had humor and humanity and was smart and attentive. A really nice combination. Then down to get bloodwork, a bit of a wait in an insanely crowded little waiting room. Then done!
At 1:00 I got a call from Nancy up at Dartmouth- she said the tests were fine and I am good to go. So tomorrow? IT BEGINS. I will miss this little emotional lull that I've been experiencing. I have felt remarkably katelike. I actually laughed out loud several times when out with my dear friend Tammy on wednesday night. And I honestly cannot remember the last time I did that. Not trying to bring it upon myself, but I am pretty sure these next meds will not be so kind.
So for those interested, I am on the max dosage protocol in my clinic--which looks like this:
morning: 5IU Lupron + 150 Follistim + 75 repronex or menopur
evening: 75 Follistim + 150 repronex or menopur
Next check up? Next friday. Cue the ominous music.
07 January 2009
details
So today I called about friday morning's appointment. Since I have never been to that site before, I wanted to make sure I knew where to go and what to expect. I spoke with a very nice person who answered all of my questions about where to park, what entrance to come in, what floor to come to and then she confirmed I am scheduled for an ultrasound first, then bloodwork....and then a physical. OK, I did not expect that last part. So I asked, A physical? Well, apparently, since the egg retrieval requires anesthesia, they need a physical within a month to make sure there are no unforeseen issues lurking that could cause complications. Ahhh. Ok then. That makes sense. But...when I had the catheterization back inthe fall I was under some sort of anesthesia, and they did not check me out before that procedure. But this is fine, now I understand.
The past few days I have been working toward a crazy little panic revolving around not remembering how I am supposed to mix saturday morning's three drug cocktail--- I checked my notes from the injection meeting, and realized I had taken shit notes and that I had no idea how to get the lupron in with the follistim and repronex. A fine focus for my craziness. Strange how the minutiae starts to draw the attention when there is oh so much big stuff swirling about-- so this little thing? I put all of my anxiety there.
So, I called the clinic and spoke with Nancy and asked and was gently reminded (it is all so obvious again) and I am fine now, feel I have information and a plan. But I kind of wonder, now that this non-issue is resolved, what will I focus on next? Once I start stimming, I am sure I will find ample places for my free floating anxiety, but for now? Simply hoping my ultrasound finds all quiet on the western front.
The past few days I have been working toward a crazy little panic revolving around not remembering how I am supposed to mix saturday morning's three drug cocktail--- I checked my notes from the injection meeting, and realized I had taken shit notes and that I had no idea how to get the lupron in with the follistim and repronex. A fine focus for my craziness. Strange how the minutiae starts to draw the attention when there is oh so much big stuff swirling about-- so this little thing? I put all of my anxiety there.
So, I called the clinic and spoke with Nancy and asked and was gently reminded (it is all so obvious again) and I am fine now, feel I have information and a plan. But I kind of wonder, now that this non-issue is resolved, what will I focus on next? Once I start stimming, I am sure I will find ample places for my free floating anxiety, but for now? Simply hoping my ultrasound finds all quiet on the western front.
05 January 2009
thank you
First-- thank you. Thank you to those sweet souls who have commented and offered words of support. Sometimes this sure does feel pretty lonely, even knowing so many other folks have done this, are doing this, will do this crazy stuff... it is still really nice to hear from you, so, Thank you.
About Lupron, two killer headaches, and horribly interrupted sleep/ crazy ass dreams/ impressive-if-I-do-say-so-myself night sweating but surprisingly no persistent emotional component that comes close (yet) to clomid. Maybe that will kick in next week after I start the stims -- which I start maybe as early as saturday. On that note, I've been thinking about friday morning's baseline appointment. The appointment is over an hour away and only a half hour after my usual shot time. Will I bring a carefully prefilled lupron syringe with me and shoot up in some random parking lot en route? I am thinking yes. How else will it work out? I can handle it I think. It just seems so nutty.
And in preparation for the stim portion of this program, I bought a scale. My first in well over 5 years. And I can say this: I DID NOT MISS IT. I do not like it. I will ditch it when this is good and done. Maybe I will beat it with a stick and then ditch it. I feel about it the way I do about 3 way mirrors. There are just some things better left unknown and unseen.
About Lupron, two killer headaches, and horribly interrupted sleep/ crazy ass dreams/ impressive-if-I-do-say-so-myself night sweating but surprisingly no persistent emotional component that comes close (yet) to clomid. Maybe that will kick in next week after I start the stims -- which I start maybe as early as saturday. On that note, I've been thinking about friday morning's baseline appointment. The appointment is over an hour away and only a half hour after my usual shot time. Will I bring a carefully prefilled lupron syringe with me and shoot up in some random parking lot en route? I am thinking yes. How else will it work out? I can handle it I think. It just seems so nutty.
And in preparation for the stim portion of this program, I bought a scale. My first in well over 5 years. And I can say this: I DID NOT MISS IT. I do not like it. I will ditch it when this is good and done. Maybe I will beat it with a stick and then ditch it. I feel about it the way I do about 3 way mirrors. There are just some things better left unknown and unseen.
03 January 2009
babblingkate
I took my incessantly babbling brain for a hike today, up the hill in new snow. Wind and cold were making the trees creak and groan as I hiked up. My footprints were the first today and there were no cars in the pull off-- so I was fabulously alone. Hiking in the snow is like walking in sand, almost as much progress backwards as forwards. Once I made it up, heart pounding and sweaty from the exertion, I sat up at the overlook sheltered from the wind by a small rise, closed my eyes and let the sun shine on my face for 20 minutes or longer maybe... And in those moments, my brain quieted a little, and for a little while I was perfectly comfortable, perfectly warm. What an amazingly beautiful day.
Through some miracle, sometime around 4am I got my period 6 whole days after my last birth control pill. So today is cycle day 1: "cd1". I was really worried the delay would somehow delay this whole thing-- I am sure I would have adjusted. But it would have sucked rocks.
I have a few more things about the injections that I wanted to share for folks who are coming up on it-- first, it is the just outer layer of skin that causes resistance. So once you are past that, it is amazing how easily the needle goes in. Second- after doing about 6 of these, I sure didn't look like I knew what I am doing, but I was suddenly doing it a little more easily. The process was suddenly easier. I still hate them. 9 injections so far, and while the physical part is down to a science-- swab belly, swab vial, fill needle, inject, done-- the emotional side of it is completely bizarre. But I go to some sideways place while I do it; I know I need to just get it done and over with. I am trying to look at each injection, each day as progress, as an accomplishment.
Many folks out there say Lupron shots are easy and in some ways I am sure they are. The needle is small, there is no mixing, they do not hurt badly, they do not sting badly, they do not bruise badly unless you accidentally get a vein like I did that once-- but I am not so sure that I would call any of this easy. Giving yourself injections is just downright odd if you are not used to it and I am not used to it. I had never done anything like this before. So it is scary and weird and maybe that makes me wimpykate. But I guess I just wanted to say that outloud.
Since cyclesista might bring a new visitor or two, I also wanted to say that I know many folks have been on this ride for a long, long time. Clearly I do not profess to be anything other than a blundering beginner. Sometimes it is odd, you make the hard decision to do IVF and then you find out all that is necessary before you begin. All the testing, blood work and body work and psycho social evaluations... you may begin the pill or you may not. Some tests may lead to other tests, other procedures. Each test result holds so much weight. (My HSG results were unclear so then there was an unexpected-to-me catheterization procedure). Then you have this meeting and that meeting and then finally you learn about how your process will unfold-- based on your test results, your age, prior experiences, etc. You learn about your protocol, your proposed or outlined schedule, you have your injection training.
Then, you are doing your first injection, your first ultrasound... (mine is next friday)....
There is just so much new, so much I am learning about, submitting to, so many new things I am doing. And so much of it is scary, and loaded with IMPORTANCE and physical baggage (I am choosing to do all this crazy stuff to my body?), and emotional baggage:
What if I don't respond well? What if it gets canceled? What if it does not work? What if it does and I lose the baby? What if something goes wrong?
Good lord, my poor brain. And this is precisely why I hike, people. I need to get away from all of my snowballing avalancing whatifing.
Through some miracle, sometime around 4am I got my period 6 whole days after my last birth control pill. So today is cycle day 1: "cd1". I was really worried the delay would somehow delay this whole thing-- I am sure I would have adjusted. But it would have sucked rocks.
I have a few more things about the injections that I wanted to share for folks who are coming up on it-- first, it is the just outer layer of skin that causes resistance. So once you are past that, it is amazing how easily the needle goes in. Second- after doing about 6 of these, I sure didn't look like I knew what I am doing, but I was suddenly doing it a little more easily. The process was suddenly easier. I still hate them. 9 injections so far, and while the physical part is down to a science-- swab belly, swab vial, fill needle, inject, done-- the emotional side of it is completely bizarre. But I go to some sideways place while I do it; I know I need to just get it done and over with. I am trying to look at each injection, each day as progress, as an accomplishment.
Many folks out there say Lupron shots are easy and in some ways I am sure they are. The needle is small, there is no mixing, they do not hurt badly, they do not sting badly, they do not bruise badly unless you accidentally get a vein like I did that once-- but I am not so sure that I would call any of this easy. Giving yourself injections is just downright odd if you are not used to it and I am not used to it. I had never done anything like this before. So it is scary and weird and maybe that makes me wimpykate. But I guess I just wanted to say that outloud.
Since cyclesista might bring a new visitor or two, I also wanted to say that I know many folks have been on this ride for a long, long time. Clearly I do not profess to be anything other than a blundering beginner. Sometimes it is odd, you make the hard decision to do IVF and then you find out all that is necessary before you begin. All the testing, blood work and body work and psycho social evaluations... you may begin the pill or you may not. Some tests may lead to other tests, other procedures. Each test result holds so much weight. (My HSG results were unclear so then there was an unexpected-to-me catheterization procedure). Then you have this meeting and that meeting and then finally you learn about how your process will unfold-- based on your test results, your age, prior experiences, etc. You learn about your protocol, your proposed or outlined schedule, you have your injection training.
Then, you are doing your first injection, your first ultrasound... (mine is next friday)....
There is just so much new, so much I am learning about, submitting to, so many new things I am doing. And so much of it is scary, and loaded with IMPORTANCE and physical baggage (I am choosing to do all this crazy stuff to my body?), and emotional baggage:
What if I don't respond well? What if it gets canceled? What if it does not work? What if it does and I lose the baby? What if something goes wrong?
Good lord, my poor brain. And this is precisely why I hike, people. I need to get away from all of my snowballing avalancing whatifing.
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