27 January 2009


hCG after non-egg retrieval was 339. Dr appointment for follow-up on February 5th.
I wanted to thank you all for your support and kindness. This really has sucked rocks. And I am trying really hard to not *worry* too much about what the doc will say. PragmaticKate says whatever is is. But really? To be honest? My heart is set on it. So it will suck if the doc says no. With such job uncertainty I know going ahead with another cycle is insane. To take on more debt is nutty. But I think I need to try again if the Doc does not think it is crazy.

As I kind of indicated in my first post, I sure am used to not being good at things. But I always felt that if I worked harder, or learned more, I could become better at them-- that somehow it was up to me, influenced by the amount of effort I am willing to apply, by my own tenacity.
But this? This is something I can't do anything about- I can make things worse--I can sabotage or screw things up, or I can stop trying, but it is hard to know how to improve things, to somehow get "better" at it.

I will probably never learn latin. Or bellydancing. Or bull riding or phlebotomy or botany or go to the moon.

Some of my limitations are now about "time"-- do I want to spend that amount of time learning X so I can Y.....? Being in my 40s makes me realize time is not infinite. I never felt immortal, but I did feel like I could do things "someday"-- it is odd to think that while this may be true for many things, it is not true for everything. And now, it is more a game of this or that.

I am trying to balance the sides of my brain- trying to honor my creativity as well as my analytical nature.
I am loving yoga and hiking.
I hope to attend at least one truly creative workshop this year.
I hope to finish a draft of my novella. I hope to throw some paint on a canvas for the first time since I was a little kid.

I may not be able to be pro-creative in the way I hoped, and I may not be able to do much to improve my pro-creativity, but I sure can be creative in other ways.


Elle said...

Kate, sending you long-overdue hugs. I know the past week has been a roller coaster for you. You are absolutely not crazy -- I think most of us would have the same reaction. You owe it to yourself to give yourself another chance if you can, since this one basically didn't count. Take a mulligan!

Trust me, you can have a rich life without learning Latin. I took 5 years of it in high school and I don't know that it improved my life much. Buy a book on mythology; that's just as good.

Hoping you hear good things from the doc.

Joannah said...

Yes, you can! I love the way you're thinking about how you will invest yourself in the near future.

April said...

arg! i just caught up with everything. this totally sucks. i am so sorry to hear about it. i am anxious to hear what the doc has to say...

how fun that you get to do something creative, though. i am so *NOT* creative. i am only good at making lists with boxes. :)

hang in there!

Sarah said...

this is a really good post, although i wish you hadn't had to write it. it is kind of funny (not haha) how all sorts of creative energy can come from a shit cycle. there just has to be a place for all the hopes and dreams to go. sounds like you've got creativity covered. the rest of us will hold onto your hopes in the pro-creativity department.