21 January 2009

pretty much kinda

scared out of my wits.
So, tonight we head up north to be near the clinic for tomorrow morning (so we do not have to get up at 4--seems reasonable)-- but we will not be there until midnight or later. Sleep is so overrated. um. not. anyway. I am scared and thought I would just stop by and say so.
I know everything will probably be fine. I find myself focused on details- on being worried about the IV, or if I will need to go to the bathroom, or my fear of the discomfort afterward. I am not scared about the eggs. For some reason, that is not freaking me out.

The emotions today have been weird. I am TIRED yes, all caps. And have little reserve. Find emotions pretty close to the surface.

Ahh that's right, I wanted to talk about emotions.

On clomid, I not only felt sad, a bone deep sad that felt like it was going to stay forever.... but I also felt a whole lot of other things-- like I wanted to be alone, that I did not want to have kids... really friggin helpful when one is trying to conceive. I kept telling myself, each month, when those feelings came up again, it was just the clomid, but it is really hard to keep a hold of truth if it only feels ok 20% of the time... the rest of the time, I wanted to take to the woods, eat ramen noodles or cereal for dinner, spend time alone. So some of the emotions that have come up lately, since the stim portion of this month's entertaiment, have been those- suddenly questioning everything and wondering if I really want to do this.

These drugs? They kick my ass. They make me sad and feel like I'd rather live alone than anything. And when I am not on them, this is NOT how I feel. So I know better, but it is hard to remember this when there is so much emotional intensity. Nearly everything I feel on these is totally counter productive.

Anyway, other folks get mad on clomid and these other stim drugs, or moody or whatever. Not me. The lupron was lovely. I felt like ME. the real me. kate.
But in this moment, these stim drugs plus tired plus scared? well.. let's just say I am not feeling strong and resolute...more chickenshit and waffly.
But hey,
that's just the drugs talking.

Thanks for listening.


bb said...

Good Luck! Good Luck! Good Luck!! I hope it goes great.

And the emotions, sorry they are getting you down. I understand, mine are all over the place. My stims have finally caught up with me and I was doing so well. OR so I thought.

I will be thinking of you and wish you the BEST.

Grade A said...

You might not get this before you head to the clinic, but just want you to know you aren't alone. I cried last night over the stupidest thing...but it felt good to FEEL and let it go and then I did some meditation. From what I have read on your blog, you seem like a gal who grooves on that sort of thing, so while I would never say something stupid like the infamous and oft quoted "just relax," DO find whatever it is that keeps you calm and sane. Again, good luck.

Nic said...

Good luck. I am sure it will all go fine.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck with everything. I always read your blog for hope and inspiration. This is my first IVF/ICSI and I found out today that we may trigger tonight becuase I am borderline hyperstimulated. Very scared and anxious, and tired like you. Thanks for sharing your feelings with everyone - they definitely bring be comfort.

Sarah said...

that all sounds very very normal, especially after going through all the clomid and disappointment that led up to this. we all have our ways of building defenses against the brutal possibility of another failed cycle. i have a friend who remembers me feeling very uncertain of whether i even wanted kids as i started IVF. i honestly don't recall feeling that way ever but she swears we had a conversation about it. looking back i think i was really most terrified of allowing any sort of hope or opportunity to take that great fall from wanting something so immensely to dreams crushed. combine all that with huge doses of the same hormones that unhinge any sane woman on a monthly basis and it's a wonder we're not all headed for the looney bin.

good luck, fingers and toes crossed for you!!!