babblingkate

I took my incessantly babbling brain for a hike today, up the hill in new snow. Wind and cold were making the trees creak and groan as I hiked up. My footprints were the first today and there were no cars in the pull off-- so I was fabulously alone. Hiking in the snow is like walking in sand, almost as much progress backwards as forwards. Once I made it up, heart pounding and sweaty from the exertion, I sat up at the overlook sheltered from the wind by a small rise, closed my eyes and let the sun shine on my face for 20 minutes or longer maybe... And in those moments, my brain quieted a little, and for a little while I was perfectly comfortable, perfectly warm. What an amazingly beautiful day.

Through some miracle, sometime around 4am I got my period 6 whole days after my last birth control pill. So today is cycle day 1: "cd1". I was really worried the delay would somehow delay this whole thing-- I am sure I would have adjusted. But it would have sucked rocks.

I have a few more things about the injections that I wanted to share for folks who are coming up on it-- first, it is the just outer layer of skin that causes resistance. So once you are past that, it is amazing how easily the needle goes in. Second- after doing about 6 of these, I sure didn't look like I knew what I am doing, but I was suddenly doing it a little more easily. The process was suddenly easier. I still hate them. 9 injections so far, and while the physical part is down to a science-- swab belly, swab vial, fill needle, inject, done-- the emotional side of it is completely bizarre. But I go to some sideways place while I do it; I know I need to just get it done and over with. I am trying to look at each injection, each day as progress, as an accomplishment.

Many folks out there say Lupron shots are easy and in some ways I am sure they are. The needle is small, there is no mixing, they do not hurt badly, they do not sting badly, they do not bruise badly unless you accidentally get a vein like I did that once-- but I am not so sure that I would call any of this easy. Giving yourself injections is just downright odd if you are not used to it and I am not used to it. I had never done anything like this before. So it is scary and weird and maybe that makes me wimpykate. But I guess I just wanted to say that outloud.

Since cyclesista might bring a new visitor or two, I also wanted to say that I know many folks have been on this ride for a long, long time. Clearly I do not profess to be anything other than a blundering beginner. Sometimes it is odd, you make the hard decision to do IVF and then you find out all that is necessary before you begin. All the testing, blood work and body work and psycho social evaluations... you may begin the pill or you may not. Some tests may lead to other tests, other procedures. Each test result holds so much weight. (My HSG results were unclear so then there was an unexpected-to-me catheterization procedure). Then you have this meeting and that meeting and then finally you learn about how your process will unfold-- based on your test results, your age, prior experiences, etc. You learn about your protocol, your proposed or outlined schedule, you have your injection training.
Then, you are doing your first injection, your first ultrasound... (mine is next friday)....

There is just so much new, so much I am learning about, submitting to, so many new things I am doing. And so much of it is scary, and loaded with IMPORTANCE and physical baggage (I am choosing to do all this crazy stuff to my body?), and emotional baggage:
What if I don't respond well? What if it gets canceled? What if it does not work? What if it does and I lose the baby? What if something goes wrong?

Good lord, my poor brain. And this is precisely why I hike, people. I need to get away from all of my snowballing avalancing whatifing.