17 January 2009


Miraculously, I am back on line. So,
about the 5. No idea what the measurements are (but all over 10)-- I did not take them down during the ultrasound, and did not ask when they called. E2 616, so I stim through the weekend and have my next ultrasound/E2 on monday morning. I pulled myself back from the brink of... I don't know, not quite despair, but a very discouraged state-- reminded myself I am lucky to have any. Lucky to be responding at all. There are no tricks to pull here, I am on the max dose for my clinic. So this is it. The U/S technician did not mention other follicles so I have no idea if I have more lurking. Saw very few. 2 on one side, 3 on the other. Learned I have one VERY posterior ovary (LOVED the magic wand manipulation to find that one. um. Not). So that should help on monday when they go searching.

Mood-- well, I have learned that getting tired = descending into blue hell. I find myself questioning not just my future, but finding my dreams filled with exes and my heart all knotted up in a wild morass of regrets so stupid and unproductive that it is hard to even talk about it. On clomid I felt such regret and sadness for losses and lost opportunities-- I do not even like brushing up against this feeling. So, after a really nice day with a good friend, and a pretty amazing documentary, I am finding myself blue and on the verge of spiraling and clearly in need of a nap. So, I've got an hour and 15 minutes until I have to do the shot thang. Think I'll take advantage of it.

Thank you all for your kind comments and words of support. I really appreciate it.


Maredsous said...

I think the hormones really aid in the feelings of despair. You will be fine in a couple of days. You are exactly where you are supposed to be with the E2. And like you said you have some follicles that is way better than none. Five is also a good number. You are likely to get at least three to four fertilized eggs (thats based on my RE statement that about 70% fertilize)

I think a nap is exactly what you need. It is the weekend and you should take advantage of it.

I will check back in with you on Monday. My guess is that I will get the HCG shot on Monday. Even if I convert to an IUI cycle.

Sarah said...

thanks for posting that link, that looks really cool!

it's amazing what a lack of sleep does to your ability to cope. add to that some nasty horrormones and its no wonder we all have some seriously down days. i hope you're happily surprised on monday.

Joannah said...

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I wish I had the words to comfort you. I do believe that there is a plan for your life, and it's a plan to bring you hope and a future - not despair. I hope you will find some beauty in your day today and enjoy a sense of peace.


bb said...

Sorry your follie count wasn't as great as you would like, but there is still time for a few more that maybe they didn't mention to you to catch up. And I totally hear you about being tired. I have only been on stims 2.5 days and I am SO TIRED. I feel like a zombie and that seems to be making me feel a little sad too.