Ahh impulse control.
The challenge of not turning red, not saying the very first thing that comes to mind, not reacting,
Yes, once again I am addressing this issue of reactivity and urgent response.
I am trying to learn to wait, to breathe, to decide.
But man oh man, my most dysfunctional relationship is at work these days, and all my most ragged edges snag here almost every day, my insecurities, my codependence, my jealousy and my reactionary sloth... I am not proud of any of it. It is all I can do to be neutral in my self here.
I have had a while now of good internal work-- waiting, breathing, good responses, relative calm. But today? Today is all backwash and backlash and regression. A tired boss, a tired kate, shitty communication I cannot solve one-sided, and I feel so ineffectual and uncomfortable. It is days like these I want to run out of here. I know I cannot. It would be a disaster.
But why does personal growth have to be so darn random it its path? Stumble stumble, skinned knee, concussion.
I get/got all used to feeling better, feeling more settled, more calm, more competent. But today it I have had to bring myself back over and over and finally found myself sitting here feeling teary and beaten.
NOT my highest and best.
But the reason I wanted to post is this: so much of my impulse control is internal-- not what I say out side, but what I say to myself--and then how that makes me feel.
What if I tried to interrupt that process too? Again, easier when the stakes are lower, or the pace is slower, very very hard when reactive in general.
Yesterday I spent a while biting my "mental" tongue, shushing myself, reframing. Today I am having shitty luck with that but I still think the idea is sound and the effort is worth it.
So I guess I wanted to reiterate to myself that what I am trying is worthy-- this idea of waiting both outside and inside, for a moment before responding. I am sucking at it today, but that does not mean it is not worthwhile.
to reclaim my mood and make it good, here are some things I am really good at (not meant to be a comprehensive anything, just a top of my mind list):
listening and hearing what people mean as well as what they say, and asking questions to clarify
translating between people of different technical backgrounds or communication styles
asking what if questions
seeing things that might be stumbling blocks, areas worth attending to, concerns, potential outcomes
looking for the middle way, and not just This or That
taking a 15 minute interview and making an article out of it
taking two sentences or ideas and making a press release out of it
having an immediate ability to instinctively know a bad idea when I hear it (politics for example)
being body still and mind busy
jamming on other people's ideas
grasping technical issues quickly
helping someone past a roadblock
sharing something I love
teaching small groups something I know well and care about
making people feel good
yoga and stretching
proofreading other people's work for typos, NOT PUNCTUATION. I suck at that.
pattern matching of almost any kind, like finding four leaf clovers.
learning how other people think, their workstyle, what makes them happy, and trying to use that knowledge to make better and more productive work groups
I love problem solving.
I like being liked and appreciated
things I also love but may not be quite as good at:
playing in photoshop
looking at and through images (flickr! whoo hoo!)
painting/making a mess of things with words and images and other things on some flat surface (flat so far!)
things I am:
enthusiastic, creative, involved, supportive, curious, out-of-the-box, patient but lively, eager to please (darn it but there is good there too, there is), intuitive, introverted (not anti social, just need time to recharge after interactions and sustained interactions tire me out even if they are great!)
I am choosing not to write a list of things I do not like since this day has been full of that enough already and I have no desire to attract more.
Ok internet, I would love to brainstorm with you.
Notice I did not include my education or professional background although I hinted at "technical" and have mentioned engineering in the past.
I am curious that with these qualities and what you know of me from here, what kinds of things might I consider as alternatives? I am much better at making them for other people than I am making them for myself.
Ideas? feel free to share. Delurk and be anonymous if you wish, that would be great.
See? I feel better already.