22 January 2010

seaglass and sparkly snow

Robin, Sprogblogger, Alyssa, B, thank you. (Robin, do you have a website?)
I am thinking of elements of all of those things-- wondering about a fabulously patchworked future. Very much being open to things that feel good, feel like pieces or signposts or little indicators. I imagine I am collecting them like feathers, seaglass, shells, seeds and stones in a small dream-pouch (that may soon need Hermione's magic to hold all that I'm accumulating). I wanted to ask you since you are not me and come from all sorts of life paths and places and experiences that are not mine. So many of the best ideas are ones that other people think of or expose-- so thank you, sincerely. I am open to suggestions!

Yesterday sucked ass, BUT as these things tend to do, I was better for having written things down, better for taking a sweat-making Nia class, better for getting home and shooting lupron into my belly (with the dullest needles ever. I swear to you, these have been filed down to maximize discomfort), better for the long hot shower, the clean clothes, the great smelling dinner, the return of my love from a brief trip, and

Today I am managing by pretending I am someone else. I'll let you know how that goes.
My boss is traveling next week, respite!
I love him which is part of the problem. Big ass overblown loyalty. And I want his approval so badly (ahhh, katekate, family issues much?). Small company = family dynamics and I have been here a long time (12 years) so things are pretty emeshed.
I'll write more about what I do in real life sometime soon, promise.

I peed on a stick last night, you know, just in case, pre lupron and Mestinon. 13dpo. Negative of course, but I have been so tired and my boobs so sore I wondered a little at the off chance (the very very off chance). I will probably pee on another tonight pre injection just to make sure.
My period is due tomorrow or sunday then off to the races I guess--
I am not totally beaten down by this negative since it had so little chance (minute, miniscule) to be anything other than that. But hey, it sure would have been nice to thumb my nose at the big box of follistim in the fridge.

Anyway, very cool sparkly snow and long shadows that wrapped themselves up and over the hilly fields this morning made my drive in so lovely.
Around my house is a snowy wonderland with all trees covered and all horizontal surfaces showing themselves, branches, downed trees, fences.... Not a half mile away, snow is only on the ground, blown free from the branches, and it always a wonder to me how things can be so different so close together weather-wise.

Tomorrow I hope to hike and maybe see my wonderful mom this weekend. Hope to work much more on the writing project. Maybe paint?

There is such power in simple things that remind me of the best parts of me-- but god, it is so easy to get swallowed up in the bullshit and bad feelings. I wish I would allow myself to get that good at feeling good!

Thanks for listening. And for sharing. I appreciate it so much.


Anonymous said...

Your writing is so evocative, beautiful, and moving. Thank you!

Simple things are what I try to find pleasure in too. My writing. My photography. My dog.

I wish you the best this weekend! If I weren't stuck in bed with a bad back, I would love to hike in the beautiful weather my state is having.

alyssa said...

i wish i could help; you certainly helped me change my path.

i don't know how to thumb my nose at the negatives because, as you know, i've been dealing with the giant and devastating wrenched that have been tossed into my career.

be glad at least you have a place to go every day, albeit one that makes you crazy. without energy or drive i find myself playing on facebook all day and doing little except being sad.

Michele said...

sometimes we all just need to pretend for a while. honestly, i think that is how i got through my fertility treatments.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you...

Jenn said...

Sweet kate,

Although you asked for some thoughts on your life path in you last post (Jenn is a bit behind this week) I could not help but throw in my two cents.

You have such a special way with words and undoubtedly that translates over to your interaction with people. I have felt that since the first time I clicked over to your blog!

I have to agree with what some of these other wonderful commenters have already said....I think a job as a life coach or counselor would allow you to use your incredible people AND problem-solving skills together.

Another option - on the total other end of the spectrum using your spirituality - possibly a non-denominational chaplain. There are so many areas where you could go with that too.

Anyhoo....just some thoughts - but I do know that if you are open to options...they will come! You will rock in whatever you do - of that I am sure!


Grade A said...

I know you were referring to a mind activity, but I actually did collect bits of beauty while trying to get pregnant. The number? Always 3, representative of our so hoped for family. I would take a walk and find a leaf, then two more. I would see a rock and then open my eyes for others...

Do whatever you need to stay in your good Kate place.

Thinking of you..


IF Optimist, then... said...

"There is such power in simple things that remind me of the best parts of me-- but god, it is so easy to get swallowed up in the bullshit and bad feelings."

Nodding head. Yeah. Yeah. I get all that.

Anonymous said...

I'm telling you- it's all about creating an alter ego! Thanks for being so real and keeping some positive energy out there. Sorry about the lupron needles. I always found that if I did a little dance beforehand, I felt better!(I wrote you a long comment but the web swallowed it). I wish you guys the VERY BEST!!!! Shell (ICLW)