24 January 2010

triptych

Yesterday I learned that when sunlight shines through hemlock needles they the most exquisite emerald green.
yesterday's hike was extra wonderful- below 15 here at the house when I began, but up the hill out of the hemlock forest into more deciduous trees, sunlight makes it through and it was warm enough to unzip the neck of my jacket, and then the neck of my fleece. I sat up on a rock and simply soaked it up. Ate some snow off the piney tree next to the rock, and just looked out over the rolling hills, the gentle haze at the edge of the horizon, the bluest possible sky.
These days the sun comes up like it means it, clearing the treetops by around 9, but then it stays low, moves across the southern sky, and heads back down mid afternoon-- so our hours of sun are about 3 or 4 hours less than our hours of daylight. And I cannot express how wonderful it was to just be out in it, quiet, still, happy.

***

My period is two days late. Temp still up. Pee sticks negative. Just want it to start. Please.

***

my heart is heavy tonight for Sprogblogger who feels she has lost her twin, and for Lara (peanut noodle) for losing hers. And for Eve (infertility rocks) , who very recently lost one of her twins at 24 weeks. I can hardly stand this part-- I so celebrate when one of us WINS and so ache when things go wrong or Wrong or WRONG. And this, this all just feels shitty. I hate the fake out of low early betas, I hate the miscarriages, I hate the "vanishing" miscarried twins or triplets, I hate that we have to work so hard and beat so many odds to get pregnant and then seem so disproportionately at the wrong end of the odds when it comes to losses.

Ah, dang, it just hurts.

Just sending love out there with all my might.

9 comments:

meinsideout said...

I am just sick, so sick over their losses, I am sitting here sobbing and so angry.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I am in a constant battle between happiness and sorrow with the good and terrible news we seem to get each week. Sometimes it steals all my joy and I wonder if I will ever be allowed joy, to just relax and coast. Ask me in another three months. (sigh)

sprogblogger said...

Hey there Kate- thank you for your love & support. It means so much. And your hike sounds wonderful - I enjoyed it through you, if that makes any sense. Thinking of you.

robin said...

Hi Kate - you asked in your last post if I have a Web site. After a year and a half of trying and with an IUI at that point, I got my BFP. I started a blog, I named it Aloha Baby. I didn't think about the fact that aloha means hello and goodbye... A ten week ultrasound revealed a missed miscarriage. I stopped blogging and started reading other blogs for support. So many of you are so honest and open. I need those examples... It was another year of of IF w/re... and now just my acupuncturist. I'm about the same age as you. And now that I think about it, I think I am also still filled with hope and wonder.

Your hikes sound grounding and conscience (and beautiful).

Kate said...

Wish I were out on those wonderful hikes with you. Not so much nature around here!
Hope AF shows up soon and quits teasing you.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Thanks so much for your shout-out, Kate. Things turned out about as well as we could have hoped this morning.

Your hikes sound lovely - are they in Maine? NH?

I'm still hoping for you that the delayed AF is good news. FX

Michele said...

it hurts so much. :(

praying those high temps are a sign of something good

Eve said...

Visiting you from my blog to humbly thank you for your kind words of comfort, and in awe when I saw my words, newly written, pop up in your newest post. I am honored by your posting them.

Eve

Phoebe said...

Thanks for posting the news. Yeah, it all pretty much sucks. I'll go send some love now.