31 January 2010

designated driver

Maddy just used the most perfect word in her most recent post for that thing we do when we are around moms and kids and families that resemble that which we are wanting: Masquerading.

Saturday I dropped by the bar where my darlin works on weekends, and a friend of his was there with her new baby- a one month old. We sat and talked and she handed me the baby, told me all about the pregnancy, about how tired she was in the beginning (I know, I wanted to say, I know I really do), how she was miserable the first 5 months, how her delivery went along fine until it ended in a c section. Breastfeeding was simple (it's natural, she said with a shrug, clearly unaware that it could be horribly impossibly difficult for someone), all is well, baby is sleeping. She glowed (how?) as she talked and talked and talked. She is young, in her 20s, but had a hard time conceiving. Tried several years- unexplained, tried clomid several times, gave up, started partying again, and got pregnant. A miracle she said, and I get that.
She told me she wishes us well this month (!), and said she knows I must know all about the hormone craziness, the hot flashes, the feeling of no reserve. She said that holding her baby would bring me luck and that soon I'd be holding my own baby.
I sat and listened and mmmed, and held that warm baby, and played with her perfect fingers. She said the baby has her hands, it is so obviously Her baby, and I wondered if I will get to look for fingers that look like mine.

I did not expect her to know so much about what we were up to, she is not someone I know well, and I forgot that other folks might know through my darlin', so I felt a little taken aback, and a lot exposed and nekkid in the face of it.

Folks kept circling around, talking about the baby, and their babies, and their pregnancies. one woman found out at 5 months.

And I am ignorant, I am. It is a club I am not part of.

I was not totally flattened and floored, but I felt, what, stupified maybe? Bruised? Exposed?
And a little stupid. I did not have my guard up. I went in as me. not as me, protected. I have no problem with babies or pregnant ladies, but that does not mean I do not feel a stab (or slow ache, more accurately) of envy, or of loneliness in some way. Maybe that is the word that captures it best. Loneliness.
Like being the only sober one at the party.

7 comments:

bb said...

I know what you mean. I really don't know what to do when I don't have my guard up and something like that happens. And the sting kinda hits me later. In the moment (for the most part) I can just yes, mmhhhmmm, I bet! but then there is just silence because I do not know what to say. I think that is why I am so secretive, I don't want to be caught off guard because sometimes I can handle it and sometimes I just can't! Wish I had some magical way to prevent it that I could pass on to you... but I do not.

Mad Hatter said...

Oh man, Kate. Talk about a tough night. The LAST thing you would expect going to a freaking bar, no? I would have felt caught off-guard, too - especially when she mentioned how it would be good luck for you and so on - knowing that she KNEW about your TTC...oh, and the whole in-her-twenties, partying thing...that's just hard to swallow. It sounds like you handled it all very gracefully.

The sober one at the party is an excellent way to describe it. I saw a quote on a church sign recently: "He who suffers much, knows much." This whole thing, as awful as it has been, has made us all wise, wise, wise, hasn't it?

Thinking of you, my dear friend, and sending out big full abundant wishes to the universe for you...This new place you're working with sounds really good, and yay - you have follicles! Hope you get more positive info about yourself tomorrow morning!

Lots and lots of love,
Maddy

K said...

"Like being the only sober one at the party" This line resonated with me on so many levels Kate. Wow- that is the best way to capture the unique feeling of being in those situations. *hugs* I'm sorry you had to feel this way at all. thinking of you.

Maredsous said...

Oh sweetie.

You are not alone. We are there for you. Some day soon, I hope our club will have to disband, and we can start a new club. Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure you will hear fantastic news. Tell them you need to know the details.

How many and how big. It is your money and they need to make you happy. May follicles be similar in size and great in numbers. It is the dawn of a new month.

meinsideout said...

Sometimes the vulnerability can be so raw...((HUGS))

B. said...

You'd think a bar would be "safe." I'm sorry you were caught off-giard, and sorrier that you need to have your guard up at all. Self-defense, though, is almost symonymous with self-preservation.

On the brighter side, and since I missed your weekend posts, HURRAY for five from leftie plus who-knows-how-many cooking on the right! Hurray for solid E2 numbers! I hope the IVF folks fill your need for numbers and counts and concrete indications of positive progress. And I hope it turns out there's something to what the 20-something mom said about the luck of holding a baby. Luck plus science plus a whole lot of us hoping for your tremendous success... it all adds up.

Michele said...

I'm sorry... :(

Sending hugs