29 January 2010

wolf moon

It was cold this morning, 0 at my house, the kind of cold where you breath freezes in your nostrils. And wind was whipping snow up and around. As I passed open fields, snow was pulled up and dragged along and it looked like the fog that sometimes lifts from bodies of water and stands wispy and motionless, toes in the water, but this snow, this snow was racing along at breakneck speed.

Each night, the follistim injections are causing a bruise, and I have a rainbow array of them smiling around and beneath my belly button ranging from deep purple to yellow green. I have the bloat. I look like I am harboring two loaves of bread dough where my middle used to be. Again, I am used to squishy (I am squishy) but not quite like this. Bless Megan for telling me to inject more slowly, ahhhhhhh so much better. Still doing it in two shots, still worry when it beads at the surface. Still counting down, knowing each one is one less. It will all be fine.

I am ready for some reassurance that this is working. So

I go tomorrow for ultrasound and bloodwork, pray that all is working as it should, that I have follicles growing, none in the lead, enough of the right size, and that my E2 is appropriate for all that is happening in there. I want eggs in those follicles, eggs that can be retrieved soon and enough of them to feel we have a lot to work with, and that those eggs will fertilize well, and have plenty of perfect embryos to transfer and that one will be the kind of perfect that ends with me holding a perfect baby. I realized that in some weird way I expect this to work, need it to, wish it will, hope it will, in spite of all I know and have experienced. So, that is hard since I know that when it doesn't, I will have a long way to fall. On the other hand, I nearly expect it is not working, that we'll be canceled. Expecting this and expecting that, yeah, I guess my bases are covered. No matter what happens I'll be right. And wrong..
I am crazy actually.

I'll just blame the moon.


Anonymous said...

I will keep my fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Not crazy, Kate. Perfectly normal emotions for you to be feeling. Cheerily wildly for good results at your appt tomorrow.

B. said...

Sanity is overrated, and I think we all had to try insanity on for size while dealing with IF. And who gets to decide what's crazy and what isn't anyhow?

Good luck tomorrow. Things sound good to me, aside from the bruising. Bloat means busy, follie-producing ovaries. Go ovaries, go!

bb said...

Kate I really hope tomorrow you have a great report!!! And sorry the injections are so sucky.

And you are NOT crazy. But those hormones and the stuff that comes with a cycle sure makes us all feel that way. I have been having a nice bit of normal myself and here I go about to get on this roller coaster again WITH a new job. If anyone is crazy, it is me!

Cheering for you,

Kate said...

I sure hope all looks great tomorrow! You deserve it after all the needles and ups and downs. Will be watching for your update and praying it's a really good one!

IVF 40+ said...

good luck tomorrow. Hope all is as you wish. The meds made me loony and bloated etc. I think its par fo the course, I'm afraid.
How at the moon tonight. I know I will be.

Melissa said...

Good luck tomorrow! Will be thinking of you.

Fertility Chick said...

Fingers are crossed here! Thinking about you!

IF Optimist, then... said...

Catching up here sweetie, I know that the injections are horrible crap, but so glad you are getting through them and the countdown gets lower each day. Hoping that your ultrasound check is looking good and that you have a great weekend.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

I found that it reduced the beading to hold the needle in place for a few seconds after it had all gone in. It didn't eliminate the beading entirely, but it cut down. It's such a small amount that the beading doesn't really matter, but as much as I was paying for the FSH, I wanted every last drop to be doing what it was supposed to.

Thinking of you.

Good omen, perhaps: word verification is "blest."

Michele said...

thinking of you.