11 January 2010

Reprieve

Thank you for your lovely comments on the last post and hello new people! Dear B. had a really good point about perspective, that while we can get distracted looking too far and miss the beauty up close, and we can get lost looking too close and the long perspective is the one that needs remembering. I think the main thing for me is to try to stay open, to keep fluid. I tend to feel rigid pretty easily, fragile, brittle, stuck. And so for me, so much is about trying to be flexible and staying present. Challenging!

Today's meeting with Dr 0? Surprising.
A 45 minute wait (no surprise after reading your blogs about other IF clinics and their wait times)...then, into the office with the very polite Doc and a nice student who will be a great doctor if his technical skills are anything like his excellent people skills.

Dr. O reviews our history (I brought a copy with me, ta da) asks some questions then immediately begins talking about protocol, long lupron to suppress since I tend to stim quickly, talks about adding medrol at retrieval, talks about another medication I need to look up, starts talking dates and day 21 and day 1 and day 2 baseline and stims and

wait I say, not wanting to really, but needing to (really),
Ok so we're talking IVF here? So there is nothing in my testing that makes this a really bad idea (crazy)? (Basically, why are you not talking to me about donor eggs?)
So I bring up donor eggs, and tell him what my last clinic said, and how I felt and....
and he says, well, donor eggs, if you want to go that way, you'll get a 50-60% chance of success per cycle, so if you need to maximize your chances of success this cycle, do donor eggs. A cycle with your own eggs? 5% chance of success. Let me know if and when you want to do donor eggs, but let's talk protocol.

And
so
wow.

What this felt like was a reprieve, a chance to do the one last cycle the way I wanted to. Mind#1 (the rational) says waste of money, crazy, won't work, Mind#2 (the one more tightly associated with the heart) says WHOO HOOO Bring it ON!
and
so, we talked with the surprisingly nice nurse (signed consent forms), talked with the finance lady (and also talked with her about the cost and financing of donor eggs, unlike what I thought I understood they have no shared risk plan and their DE service includes the necessity to work with agencies... and there is a lot of uncertainty about the final cost so....)

So at this point? We begin lupron on sunday. Yes. This sunday.
5 units not 10 per day. Trying to keep things from running away like they tend to do (I tend to stim quickly and often have a few frontrunners). Then? CD2 baseline and if all is well (please let there be some antral follicles and no cysts) start stims (higher dose than what I've had) plus lupron to keep things in check.

no shit.
I might even be pregnant before my birthday. You know, a girl can dream.

IN THE MEANTIME AND IN PARALLEL we will be exploring donor egg programs and options nearby (the shadygrove shared risk program with in-house donor pool looks dreamy except for the fact it is so far away and will eat my vacation days like potato chips). I can't remember, anyone here work with reproductive centers of new england?

So, we'll work in parallel. This one last cycle with my eggs will allow us to feel that we tried everything. Dr O thinks we have learned a lot from the other cycles. The protocol is just different enough to make me think hmmm... maybe? And then we can move on without that lingering feeling that we did not try everything we could.
Insane? Yes, but shit, this all is. But for my psyche? My heart? This matters.

It was so incredibly nice to have a decision (any decision) feel calm and clear and cool and right.
So universe? thank you for a second chance at reaching closure on My terms.

20 comments:

Mad Hatter said...

My heart is so glad for you, for this...so glad. And hopeful.
Love,
Maddy

IF Optimist, then... said...

I'm also so glad that everything in the appointment worked to allow you to feel that you have choices and to make what feels best for your heart right now. Hoping that the new protocol is fabstimtastic and that the follicles are looking fine very soon.

Sprogblogger said...

Hoping so very much for you, my friend. Just sitting over here, a wound up bundle of hoping. Pleased that you're feeling good about this clinic, this doctor, this chance, and oh MY I want this to be the one for you!!! (Also glad you're starting so soon, because waiting kinda sucks. And SO SOON! Wow!)

musicmakermomma said...

Wow! You are starting Sunday - AND best of all it sounds like this clinic is actually listening to you about how your body responds to things! Hoping this is the one for both of us - wouldn't that be great?

JB said...

Delurking...Hi!

While my diagnoses and reasons for needing IVF are different (MFI), I am in the same relative boat as you because it turns out, lo!, I am a poor stimmer. We are waiting for the fertilization report from our last cycle that we plan to do with my eggs, as I type (ring, phone! ring!). At least I think it's the last cycle. I get confused about how I feel, depending on the day and what combination of hormones I happened to be loaded with in the moment. But we have had the official donor egg consultation to be prepared for moving on, if need be. I guess I am getting more comfortable with the idea each passing day, but there is a very stubborn part of me that just. wants. my. eggs. to. work.

I hope beyond reason that the new clinic, new protocol, and your beautiful resilience pay off in spades starting this Sunday.

Anonymous said...

very hopeful for you! This could be it!

I'm in NH and currently 8 weeks from due date after IVF at Brigham & Women's in Boston. Not sure if I have any additional helpful information for you (I'm certain you've done lots of homework!) but please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I can add.

Best wishes!

B. said...

Fiscal rationality flies out the window pretty quickly when it comes to making a baby, doesn't it? It's one thing to consider donor eggs in the abstract, or in the absence of other options, but I'm in complete agreement that it's worth the 5% success vs. 50-60% w/DE to give it one more shot. My own odds weren't much better; I'm not much younger than you are- but here we are approaching 30 weeks. Long lupron worked for me, and I am hoping this is IT for you... all you need and all you want rolled into one.

Bon voyage, Kate!

Jenn said...

Sweet sweet Kate,

I am so very glad to hear that the universe decided to offer you this chance. There has to be a reason for it - I just know it!

Whatever the outcome, I am so happy to know that you will truly have explored every last option.

You know I will pray for the best outcome in this cycle and that all my love/positive thoughts are coming your way!

Warm hugs to you.

Melissa said...

Oh yay!! Here's to second chances. I'm so happy for you that it's played out this way and you are getting this opportunity to do this cycle this way.

K said...

Cheers for new doctors and new protocols. I'm all about that, you know. I am glad a plan has worked its way into your world and you sound very relaxed and at peace with it so that's a good thing too. Hoping this is the one for you.

just me, dawn said...

It sounds like the uiniverse is aligning itself in your favor, so that no matter what this cycle brings, it will also bring you peace to your decisions. I am so hopeful for you.

Michele said...

Wow!!! I know you are thrilled!!! Crossing my fingers and hoping for you.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I'm so happy for progress! Bring on the Lupron! :-)

Illanare said...

I'm so glad and so full of hope for you, lovely Kate.

Maredsous said...

Wow, Kate that is fantastic news. I am sure this cycle will be your lucky one. No, I should say your destiny. There is no luck involved here. Great to hear you speak in such a positive light.

Sarah said...

Not insane at all, I'm already feeling so much better about this than your last place. A dr who's willing to adjust and readjust is exactly what you need. YES!!

karen alonge said...

woo hoo!! bring it on indeed. I love this.

Kate said...

Yay! So glad that they're not writing you off just yet, when you haven't entirely written yourself off either. I'll certainly pray that this is the right cycle for you, and that the protocol changes do wonderful things to kick those ovaries of yours into gear.

irrationalexuberance said...

I am beyond happy to read this. Finally, a time where what you want is actually the path forward! I'm very very happy that you get to do this!

Billy said...

For your heart! Glad you get to do this one last cycle with your own eggs. Maybe the odds are smaller, but it very much matters!