Reprieve

Thank you for your lovely comments on the last post and hello new people! Dear B. had a really good point about perspective, that while we can get distracted looking too far and miss the beauty up close, and we can get lost looking too close and the long perspective is the one that needs remembering. I think the main thing for me is to try to stay open, to keep fluid. I tend to feel rigid pretty easily, fragile, brittle, stuck. And so for me, so much is about trying to be flexible and staying present. Challenging!

Today's meeting with Dr 0? Surprising.

A 45 minute wait (no surprise after reading your blogs about other IF clinics and their wait times)...then, into the office with the very polite Doc and a nice student who will be a great doctor if his technical skills are anything like his excellent people skills.

Dr. O reviews our history (I brought a copy with me, ta da) asks some questions then immediately begins talking about protocol, long lupron to suppress since I tend to stim quickly, talks about adding medrol at retrieval, talks about another medication I need to look up, starts talking dates and day 21 and day 1 and day 2 baseline and stims and

wait I say, not wanting to really, but needing to (really),

Ok so we're talking IVF here? So there is nothing in my testing that makes this a really bad idea (crazy)? (Basically, why are you not talking to me about donor eggs?)

So I bring up donor eggs, and tell him what my last clinic said, and how I felt and....

and he says, well, donor eggs, if you want to go that way, you'll get a 50-60% chance of success per cycle, so if you need to maximize your chances of success this cycle, do donor eggs. A cycle with your own eggs? 5% chance of success. Let me know if and when you want to do donor eggs, but let's talk protocol.

And

so

wow.

What this felt like was a reprieve, a chance to do the one last cycle the way I wanted to. Mind#1 (the rational) says waste of money, crazy, won't work, Mind#2 (the one more tightly associated with the heart) says WHOO HOOO Bring it ON!

and

so, we talked with the surprisingly nice nurse (signed consent forms), talked with the finance lady (and also talked with her about the cost and financing of donor eggs, unlike what I thought I understood they have no shared risk plan and their DE service includes the necessity to work with agencies... and there is a lot of uncertainty about the final cost so....)

So at this point? We begin lupron on sunday. Yes. This sunday.

5 units not 10 per day. Trying to keep things from running away like they tend to do (I tend to stim quickly and often have a few frontrunners). Then? CD2 baseline and if all is well (please let there be some antral follicles and no cysts) start stims (higher dose than what I've had) plus lupron to keep things in check.

no shit.

I might even be pregnant before my birthday. You know, a girl can dream.

IN THE MEANTIME AND IN PARALLEL we will be exploring donor egg programs and options nearby (the shadygrove shared risk program with in-house donor pool looks dreamy except for the fact it is so far away and will eat my vacation days like potato chips). I can't remember, anyone here work with reproductive centers of new england?

So, we'll work in parallel. This one last cycle with my eggs will allow us to feel that we tried everything. Dr O thinks we have learned a lot from the other cycles. The protocol is just different enough to make me think hmmm... maybe? And then we can move on without that lingering feeling that we did not try everything we could.

Insane? Yes, but shit, this all is. But for my psyche? My heart? This matters.

It was so incredibly nice to have a decision (any decision) feel calm and clear and cool and right.

So universe? thank you for a second chance at reaching closure on My terms.