reassurance

So on monday afternoon I had a renal ultrasound,

and yes, there appear to be stones in both sides. Yay. But no current obstructions. A visit with a specialist scheduled for tomorrow morning. This guy is an interventionist, I am not. We shall see.

But while we were there getting ultrasounded, we asked if we could see our little one since we were freaking out, and the tech just simply did! And she printed us some pictures.

Our first successful pants-on, wandless ultrasound resulting in an image of a live fetus. Holy moly. Umbilical cord. Placenta. Baby. Heartbeat.

We both cried. And I offered to kiss the tech.

So as we move towards Monday's OB appointment, I feel really good that inthismoment all is well. It is starting to feel a little more real. Fabulous persistent insane exhaustion. Barfyfeeling icky evenings. All very reassuring.

And, an umbilical cord. Magical.

romancing the stone

Fucking A, people.

This did suck.

I am optimistically using the past tense.

I wanted you to know I am ok and thank you thank you for your kind words. I read all your notes and messages this morning-- thank you so much!

Lessons learned:

Just go to the ER. Denial will not work. Willing pain away rarely works.

If the pain medication they give you does not work, ask for something else. They have others that will.

Narcotics are no fun but man, they sure do take the edge off.

Praise be to the goddess Zofran.

Never underestimate the power of one hour of sweet solid drug induced sleep after two days with barely any.

I am unnaturally aware of my urethra this morning. Otherwise I am ok.

Insanely tired. Worried about the little one since the goddess Zofran was so effective (as was blinding pain) that I am not sure what is happening in there as symptoms have been swamped by other input for a day or so.

Must do all the requisite calls to dr, to insurance....

but wanted you to know I am ok.

And this time I hope I mean it.

***

the quick story is that saturday I was *ok*- just really tired..

but saturday night I was aware again of my kidney and my urethra, and it scared me enough to call Doug and he came home. I also called my doc, and the doc on call told me to go to the ER and get checked. So we did. And we were sent home with instructions and Vicodin.

2:30 I had another full blown attack, took Vicodin, and waited for it to work, and it did nothing. Took another dose (could take 1-2 started with one, added a second an hour later)... barfed my brains out and pain continued. ?? so, as soon as I was allowed, took another Vicodin. (I only had 4)- had about a half hour of sleep somehow, then woke, realized I was not ok at all. No pain relief. Increased barfing. Asked Doug to take me to the ER.

There, they got me on an IV with Dilaudid and Zofran and for the first time in 7 hours or so,I felt myself breathe. Was there for two doses, they sent me home with oral versions of both.

last night I let the Dilaudid run out of my system, realized I was still *ok* and went to sleep with a very clear plan-- if pain then take both immediately, if they do not help in half an hour back to ER for IV. Luckily, I just simply slept.

She's OK

Sarah here. Kate is OK. She is still trying to get that kidney stone out. Yes, she has medical help now...two ER trips so far. She may be going in tomorrow to be admitted if she can't keep the pain medication down and/or for an ultrasound of her kidneys if the pain continues. She'll have a lot to say when she feels up to posting. Right now it is all about pain and nausea management and trying to sleep. It has been a long weekend.

recalibration

So, you know how I was complaining/commentating on feeling like complete shit? well, the universe arranged a little smackdown recalibration for me.
Last night I was alone- my darlin is traveling. And me? kidney stone.

I knew because I've had one before.
I only knew I probably would not die because I did not die last time.

Today I am tender physically and emotionally.
Taking solace in
" a kidney stone is not a risk to the fetus directly" (thanks pregnancy today)

oddly hoping to be my usual very uncomfortably sick today to reassure me.

symptoms:
9:30 sudden onset feeling of stabbing urethra irritation (methinks, UTI? dang.... in retrospect? if only)
10:00 sudden onset consuming pain in left kidney radiating to my soul, my whole left side of innards and my whole urinary exit path
Pain= so intense I cannot move, frozen chills, tiny shallow breaths, eyes squinched shut, prayer, and the hideous recognition it is a kidney stone

10:30 next bout in the bathroom, fire pee, dramatic GI distress, intense back and innards pain, feeling like I am going to barf.
repeat every half hour with one half hour of writhing in bed in between with hot pack pressed to back and rocking. Each time I get up I put on more clothes. Cannot get warm.
Think about going to ER. Wonder how to get there. Know I cannot drive but do not feel I am bad enough for an ambulance (I am insane). Know they cannot do anything much anyway but pain killers and not sure they can do that since I am pregnant. truth is I did not want to find out the baby was dead while i was alone in the middle of the night at the ER thinking I would die.
cannot reach my darlin, his phone is off. I write a note in case he's online, and leave him a message and then write to a nearby friend (why did I not call?)-- I was not thinking well and was not able to come up with things that made sense.

talk with the baby a LOT until brief interim interaction with internet I describe earlier in the post reassures me a little that this drama would not harm the little one.

finally barf, really barf for the first time in nearly a decade, barf 5 times between 2:30 and 3. As I am half lying with head on toilet seat, notice beautiful moon reflecting off of snow in back yard.
realize I may live. a short lived but important realization.

back in bed (this time with soup kettle), I writhe and breathe and try to relax around the pain, but then sometime not too long after the pain must have eased enough to sleep. since I woke up at 6:24 and realized I was alive and while I was feeling bruised and tender, it was no longer happening.

praise the gods/goddess/all that is.
I have a doc appointment thursday anyway (GP) and will be in touch with them beforehand if I need to (hope I don't but my urethra is still pissed off).

And from now on, when he travels, my darlin will NOT BE TURNING OFF HIS PHONE. This was a scary lesson to both of us.
And today, when I hopefully will feel like complete pregnant shit, I hope I smile a little.
Everything is relative.

new snow

I woke at dawn to snow falling
a lovely fresh coating on every single tiny branch of every hemlock-- it was just so beautiful. When they're holding snow, the trees, the woods come close.
And the sky! layers and folds and ripples of every color of gray.

As I mentioned yesterday, if I lie perfectly still upon waking, my body feels like my body. Not like my body, pregnant. And there is a moment of peace followed by dis-ease-- everything ok in there? And so that is when I talk with our little one. I put my hand on my very changed belly (I don't care what anyone says about too soon to be showing, HA- see me nekkid is what I say)... I put my hand on my belly and talk to him/her. At first I kept immediately saying little guy. But now, I am no longer clear at all. Heart rate is high, so maybe girl? No matter what, I now say little one.
Little one.

Hear me: I AM SO LUCKY. No amount of ick or yuck can change the fact that I am so so very lucky.

Next appointment April 5th, 2pm, OB with ultrasound.
So help me, little one, you'd better be flourishing in there.

**updated to say, I hope to not know gender until he/she comes out happily after 9 months! Of course, since I am an ultrasound junkie, it may be revealed sooner.... but I hope I find out upon safe delivery! **

I'm ok

sorry to fall so silent,
I really am in survival mode
all is well, I am feeling fabulously shitty much of the time
still no puking but only a few hours each day that are not consumed by feeling terrible. and those hours are consumed by work.

I have a tiny little reserve, and find myself feeling raw, extra anxious, extra tender... just wanting to sleep most of the time.
It is hard not to equate this somehow with the heavy hell of depression-- it isn't, but the physical part is similar to me except for the queasy/nauseous deal which is all new.

So-- things are good!

so for me, apparently the natural life cycle of this whole process is one of serial consumption:
consumed by trying to conceive
consumed by IVF attempts, failures, details, minutiae, research, prayer
consumed by stunned disbelief at an impossible positive
consumed by fear of miscarriage
and now, consumed by feelings of total shitty icky yuck with a side of monsterfatigue

apparently, the theme of consumption continues.

my life now looks like
wake up, enjoy momentary physical normalcy with a heavy blanket of insane tired
have a few hours of almost normal with fleeting queasy, and increasing fatigue
then, say, 10am, get howling empty light headed must eat
then, say, 12 o'clock start the downhill slide fast into mid afternoon awfulness followed by evening horrible
eat something for dinner (salty chicken broth! potato chips and salsa!)
feel oddly and quickly better!
belly better, head clearer, as fatigue hits like a freight train
queasy returns with lying down
but sleep
ahhh sweet sleep.....

say, at around 9.


To help me keep my eye on the eventual delicious outcome (shouldallgowell) some great internet news: Sweet B. of No news isn't always good news had her beautiful baby on monday morning! Whoo hoo! Here's to her beautiful baby and the best possible reason for sleep deprivation.

opportunity

Life is funny how it goes, isn't it?
Doors close.
And when it feels very unlikely, sometimes doors open.
Or a new door appears where there wasn't one.

My dear friend Denise, of Bohogirl fame, just posted something that might be of interest to some of you out there.
It is about an adoption possibility, facilitated though the same wonderful woman who helped Denise adopt her beloved son. I've been in touch with her myself before, much earlier in this journey, and I can tell you she is terrific. If this resonates with your heart- just please check this out. Denise is a love, and so is her friend Tammy.
http://bohophotography.blogspot.com/2010/03/potential-private-adoption.html

all is well

holy crap!
a quick note to say
ALL IS WELL

our little one is measuring exactly 8w1d, 16.6mm long, hb 166

Our NP said we are 93% "out of the woods", wished us well and kicked us out.

We are happy and stunned and blessed and lucky. All new things. I admit it does not feel real at all (except the horrible yuck which feels pretty darn real I guess).

I'll write more later, but since I know how I hold my breath on news like this from all of you- wanted so much to share the happy!

fat pants

I suppose, if I had to, I could stuff myself in the biggest pair of my usual blue jeans. They have stretch. They have a low waistband. But. Since my belly is uncomfortable when I lean too hard onto the edge of the sink, and the low part of my belly is what is filling up, I think I may have graduated into my fat pants. I saved two pairs thanks to sisterly foresight. Almost put them in the recycling bag for wayward clothes a few months after the great kateshrinkage of early 2009. But instead, I put them up in my closet with the oh-I-was-so-optimistic stash of cheapo on sale maternity gear (a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a sweater...maybe other things I do not recall since I never opened the bags that came after the miscarriage, not even to process returns).

So today I am happily in fat pants. I can breathe. I relish the room. I relish the lack of squeeze around my middle.
As I am virtually assless, (not a state I am proud of or would have chosen), I may now be spending all of my time hiking my pants up.
But I am ok with that.

With luck, sometime about a year hence, I will look at those jeans tucked up into my closet and wonder if I'll ever fit in them again. But right now they are staying right where they are- piled in plain sight.

8 weeks today.
(please please please please please).

checking in

hey there
remember me? small, fuzzy redhead?
yeah well. I have been in survival mode- sorry to be so quiet on the 'net, sorry to be so internal. I feel as if every iota of my energy is being spent and at night, I feel like complete shit. I lie in bed, hoping to sleep before I barf (no barfing yet), and then, after a few hours of insanedreamsleep, I wake up. and I am AWAKE.

For HOURS.

WTF?

I am just not finding I have much extra.
Tomorrow, we head back to Brookline for the night for the ultrasound on Monday. I have every hope that it will be fine and will be completely shocked if otherwise. This is good and bad, right? Good in that I inthismoment feel things are ok- since I feel so lousy. Bad in that if anything is wrong, I'll be totally shocked and blindsided.
Focusing on the good.
The twinging uterus, the weird transient sensations in my breasts and the swelling and bizarro queasiness that then vanishes.. and oh, the profound and utter fatigue....
yeah baby, please be in there, heart beating beating beating...

hiatus hiatus

Yeah, so, my wonderful, long, more-than-36-hours abject fear hiatus passed this morning when I woke up feeling all was lost.
No idea what clicked over, but I had that heavy feeling of doom. Maybe because I had no cramping, maybe because lying still I felt nearly normal...
As I drove in, nausea would come in waves, and in between, I would say see? All is lost. As if that made any sense at all.

I am insane, people.

I think Sprogblogger's comment yesterday was so wise, and I am trying to imagine myself sort of like an IF blind justice, with joy and hope in one hand, fear in the other, and realize that both have their place and that there is room for both.

I know this, of course. I have no issue with the knowing. I have issue with the feeling.

***

The stream is still up over the banks, and running so fast and crazy it is ignoring the turns and going through the woods instead, seeking straight lines, water yellow with dirt from the fast melt. But at my house I still have big snow in the back yard.
My drive goes through different seasons-- winter at my house, then early spring. And here, at work, the clover is getting green just outside the door in the warm sheltered spot by the side of the building. And the buds on the trees are getting big.

Last night I pulled off the road to talk with my sister (I lose signal on my way home) and the sky was nearly black with pinpoint bright stars. Orion over the western edge of the trees. And it was so quiet and still and dark and dazzling.

assumingallgoeswell

Thank you thank you for your happy wishes and hurrahs and congratulations.
I am so very happy.
Yes, me, happy.
My 36 hours has extended itself magically thanks to my body being clearly under the influence.
My body cooperating with loads of sensations and daily changes (breasts feel odd and heavy today, belly bloated enough to be only in fat pants these days, low level cramping is common)
Nausea still coming and going with loads of lower level ick for hours at a time.
fatigue is insane and this morning I woke blue, knowing that unless I could sleep all day, it was never going to be enough.

Next ultrasound scheduled for monday morning (8w1d) in Brookline, so another sleepover sunday night. Gosh I hope this time we will sleep.
then
(assumingallgoeswell)
get this
I made an OB appointment. With ultrasound (I begged shamelessly). April 5th. week 10.
How's that for spitting in the face of the devil.
(she says, throwing salt, turning counterclockwise, and walking backwards all michael-jackson moonwalk style)

scared out of my wits that this will end.
excited that maybe it won't.

The NP on monday told me to find an OB that she had a good feeling about this, to just choose and make an appointment. I think she could tell I wanted to cling to her leg (and an ultrasound machine) until week 12. LaraNoodle, the wonderful NP is the one who did my ouchie sonohystogram, and I think she is really great. I liked her a lot both times. I see her again monday and feel I am in good hands.

someday here people, it would be the coolest thing ever to be able to NOT always qualify everything I say or think with
ifallgoeswell
as if I am tempting the devil.

I just want it to
just
go
well.

And I would like Mo and Maredsous to get (and stay) pregnant too please. And Nic during her first IVF this summer.
Then there could be peace in the universe.

7w1d

one perfect embryo
measuring 7w, heartbeat a beautiful 150.

a second undeveloped sac, so my twin intuition was initially correct.

I am weak and teary with relief.
We did not sleep much last night
and this morning was really hard in every way. I cried before we even left the hotel.
And then, during the wanding, I saw this one big sac (and the one small one)...
and there was the embryo!
and she scanned here and there before settling down and showing us the flickering heart.

pure
and
total
magic.

uncharted territory.
Bring it on.

in need of reassurance

rain and sleet and snow and howling wind
today brought a million reasons to stay in and stay put
I slept late, and that was a fine thing even though my dreams were wracked with collisions and catastrophes.

I am trying not to freak out that today has been largely nausea free, just whispers where the past days have been filled with very loud HELLO! I'M YOUR SALIVARY GLANDs! I"M YOUR SEIZING/CLENCHING BELLY!
just trying not to panic that all I am is tired. Food still holds no interest, but I finally ate anyway.
Odd how salty chicken broth feels like magic. Not the smell, but the taste.

I know symptoms come and go, I posted a link here myself way back when.... I know, I know but knowing does not stop the panic. OK so internet, feel free to say calming reassuring things about nausea coming and going... not fond of feeling like shit, but scared that it let up today.

I have The Bloat, Doug even laughed last night as I stripped down since The Belly was so obviously protuberant.

so tomorrow we head to Brookline to a hotel that will either be great or sucky, a good story either way-- and monday morning, get this, our ultrasound is at 9:30 then the appointment with the NP is at 11. um. what? so we will wander for an hour with big good news firing us up or sad news pulling my heart down into my belly like a stone. Or worse, will they not show and tell us anything? I thought the NP would be at the US and then we'd just talk after about what next...

Once again, needing to give up the need to know ahead of time, and just go with it. But oh, how I suck at that.

approach/avoidance

I had a scary time in the middle of the night with cramping I could not tell if it was GI or uterine, and it was so strong and sharp it woke me- this morning I wondered if I had dreamed it.
I know this sounds nutty but i do not check for blood when I pee, but I did this morning. None, which is lovely. I am all about the none. But again, there was none last time.
I hate feeling like things could be gone and I would not know it.
Last time my symptoms continued, my body continued to grow and change... and the baby had been lost already.
I hate not having trust in my body and my body's signals.

I hate being haunted by that. Feeling as if no matter what I am experiencing, it may be false. Not a construct of my hopefulness either, but a big trick played by hormones.

What is the phrase for it, approach/avoidance? when a cat walks toward you all big tailed and sideways and arched, but walks toward you anyway-- attracted yet scared. I guess that is how I feel about monday's appointment.
And maybe really most days.

I am ok I think in spite of the scared. I am bone tired. Ready to sleep a lot on saturday. Ready to find a hotel near Brookline on sunday so monday morning's "commute" will be manageable. I am scared to think of what we will learn. Wanting all good things. Fearing our past experience. Trying very hard to remember that it is more likely to be good news than bad.

***

This morning just a crescent of ice is on the far edge of the pond- sea gulls stand on the lip in a cluster, heads into the wind.
The ice chunks by the side of the stream are 10" thick in some places, and all is mud and decaying leaves. It feels like the inhalation, the breakdown before things move toward green.
I still have over a foot of snow on the back side of the house, some bare ground on the front, and piles higher than I am from the plow.
I know a few warm days will be all it takes to change everything. One willow, cut back to a tufted topped stump after the ice storm, is wearing a yellow foof of branches like something drawn by Dr. Seuss.
I will miss the snow. I am not looking forward to the black flies.
But I am looking forward to watching spring happen, it is always so startling in how suddenly it begins, and how fast things change- each day when I wake up, everything is different.

momentary normalcy

Tax information was collected, completed and sent- abject HORROR at the barefaced brutal compound fractured cost of all of this (not including this year's cycle!), and hope for a nice big refund to jump start the payoff process. LaraNoodle, I counted easily counted trips-- 5443 miles. Holy shit. 5443 miles in search of a baby.

But today, envelope sealed, sent, and an email sent to my tax guy warning of everything from my pay cuts to the medical expenses, so I feel I covered the bases as best I could. And I felt such immense relief at having that be over with. I've been accumulating stuff in a pile on the kitchen table, an energy sucking pile of I-don't-wanna-do-it. Well? Now it's done.

Yesterday and today I had 6 or so hours of afternoon ick with moments of real acute Yuck as if I am coming down with a terrible flu that is about to knock the shit out of me. Then, before dinner, the worst ebbs, dinner still looks/smells horrible, but I am starving. I look at this all as good, even if it is exhausting. Bionic nose is here, fatigue is still immense and profound. I hope my body is not playing me, making me think... all may be well.... and I worry, of course, that it isn't. And this is a reaction to leftover hormones like last time.

like last time.

unlike last time, this morning I lay in bed and thought of labor. It's on my mind since internet friends are due right now--Lisa of meinsideout is on the cusp of delivery, as is (increasingly) Impatiently waiting kate.
So yeah, I actually thought about labor. Me. In labor. I had only thought of this once or twice before, only philosophically or ironically or theoretically. This time it felt more like a prediction-- I wonder how I'll be.... as if, as if it will actually happen. I caught myself, of course, felt silly, but for a moment I think I was normal.
Wondering about the end of the journey I began without worrying about the middle. Not worrying about ultrasounds and nuchal folds and late term complications and all the horror stories I know from my reading here on the wonderful horrible scary supportive internet. In that moment, I was just speculating, as if, as if it will actually happen.

I loved that moment. I know my normal cannot sustain it, since I know too much and my loss is mine forever. But it made me realize just how great this can be. And I am so so hopeful that it can be that again, even in moments, I'd really be ok with that. But please, feeling of normalcy, please come back and visit again.
***

On an immense note of love- to Joannah of All things new, she lost her beloved husband Michael to cancer on Sunday- may she find solace in her deep faith in god, and in the goodness of her friends and family. As I wrote to her, I have learned from her the true meanings of devotion- to a god, a faith, a love, to hope, to her husband. I hope she finds the strength to survive this with her wonderful big brave heart whole and filled with love.

retracing

yesterday I worked on gathering/sorting medical stuff for taxes, and oh man, am I raw from tripping down memory lane. Last year's expenses, travel, various doctors, prescriptions, appointments, reliving or retracing our pregnancy, our loss. Oh my heart.
so today I woke feeling careful
even after reasserting my desire to revel in the wonder of the now. I feel as if my scared heart is saying, not yet, kate kate, not yet.... when really, I want to be able to say and feel happy things about this miracle I am living right this very moment.

See? bloodtest reassurance=36 hours. not 48. what the hell kind of bullshit math is that?

Ultrasound next monday, a week from right now, 10am.

I feel different this pregnancy, no body dysmorphic awfulness (yet), no deep blue (just deep tired).... starting to hate the idea of food while being howlingly hungry... I am barely vaguely crampy, ligaments are being easier on me (or maybe I have just learned how to move around them)... I want to think this being easier means things are better.

This week is The Week-- the week we saw the heartbeat, and the week we lost our little one. So it is a loaded week for me in terms of symbolism.
I hope to fill my days with the projects I must attend to, and my evenings, well, they'll be short since i need to sleep so early!
Time will pass, I'll be fine. And chances are, all will be well when we take a peek next monday.

Do you include the day of retrieval as day 1 of a pregnancy? if so, this is 6w1d. otherwise it iss 6w.

Yoga tonight with a wonderful woman who also teaches the pregnancy yoga class. I wrote to let her know.
and today I told my office manager since I realized, should something go wrong it is easier for her to know now, and also, should I need cover, she can help me navigate.

then, finish the tax sorting, sending that tomorrow. What a relief that will be.
trying to be gentle, hand on belly, breathing, appreciating, wondering, hoping.

31>12

Today was so beautiful- clear blue sky, warm sun, the smell of warm earth.

My reassuring beta today? 31,907
Needless to say today was a much better day after I got the news.
Since 31>12, and because some of you are probably just about as curious as I am....


So, um, I am starting to think two at the moment. I know it may be one, but my dream way long ago there were two, and I feel as if it is two (unless I am freaking out and all is lost), so while this number today prompted me to say holy shit to the nice nurse who called, I am also oddly peaceful.

work in progress

Two recent books that have fed me-- Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron, and Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione. The first is worth purchasing-- the second, worth perusing in a bookstore as it's principles are easy to grasp without a million examples.

But both talk of the difference that occurs when we move from fighting against things in our lives, feelings, assumptions, habits, longings, and turn instead to welcome those things as messengers and opportunities for growth.

And one of the fights I have with the FEAR -- is that I hate feeling bad. I hate it. I love feeling good. So I panic when a "bad" feeling comes, will it stay? will I become nothing but fearful? will I be consumed and lost?

This is true for fear and grief and sadness for me-- a true fear that I will be eaten up.

What if, instead of fighting, I sit with what is. Like meditation. Here it is, the fear. Yup, I see you. What if I accept that it is ALSO there, not the only thing (Look! Joy! Cowering in the corner!). What if I say, yes, fear, I get you. I get that you feel you belong, and truly, given my history, you do belong. You do make sense here.

Then I take away the power of the fear to swamp me.

IN REALITY, of course it swamps me, and as I empty my boots into the gutter, I realize I am no longer swamped. But I like the idea of welcoming or at least acknowledging there is a different way.

I am working on this with grief as well.


And all of this reminds me of this magnificent poem by Rumi which I may have posted here long ago but for me, in this moment, it is worth posting again:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 
~ Rumi ~

From The Essential Rumi, page 109. Translated by Coleman Barks.
© Copyright, 2004, HarperSanFrancisco.

Quiet

So sorry for my quiet--
it has been a difficult re-entry.
I am not reading as many blogs these days and not reading as often, sort of out of self preservation, but you know? I care SO MUCH about what is happening, babies about to be born, new pregnancies to celebrate, and some loved ones struggling with the physical and emotional trauma of trying one.more.time.
I want to be able to be there for all of you but right now I am trying to keep my own shit together emotionally and physically and it is proving more challenging than I would like to admit.
Oh yes, I am happy to be pregnant (although I do not quite believe it and sometimes I do not believe it at all).
The FATIGUE has hit with a vengeance, and I've been in bed just about every night by 9, completely wrung out.
And of course, there is the resurgence of The FEAR.

My ultrasound has been scheduled for the 15th of March, yes, holy shit, week 7, not because I wanted it that way, but because that is what their scheduling allowed. Since I was freaking the fuck out yesterday, sure all was lost, I scheduled a beta for saturday (thanks to to a great suggestion by my sister). An ameliorating move, with hopes for a number around 12K for reassurance. So yeah. Another week and a half before the ultrasound. And at that moment, I will be past when we lost our last pregnancy (even though we did not know it for 3 more weeks), so maybe maybe I can take some solace in that IF all is well, because we will have made it farther this time. That was a horrible sentence.

So, yes, really ready for some reassurance.
The fatigue is helpful, the feeling of full, the occasional twinges delight me.
The fleeting nausea seems to have fled- it is too early for it really (I say to myself).

I am trying hard to allow joy and have moments of reveling in the wonder of this in spite of/along with fear.... it is so hard. Fear is so big and toothy. But, again, with some gentle reminders I try to watch the fear and not let it consume me. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm feeling very tender today after receiving some difficult news last night- I both want to write about it and not. I may be too tender and the tears are too close to the surface, but the bottom line is I lost a beloved furry creature from my life and learned of this last night. It is the kind of loss that is nested and symbolic. And I am filled with regret and complex grief. I am trying to be gentle with my heart but it is so very hard. I realize, of course, that as the sad floods in and sweeps me under, there are opportunities to heal some of the parts long wounded. But oh, when I am in it, it is so hard to do anything but want to be on the other side as fast as possible. Screw the life lessons. But I also know I deserve the chance to heal, so I will allow myself to try.


I will write again, since some pieces have been falling together and I want to share.