I had a scary time in the middle of the night with cramping I could not tell if it was GI or uterine, and it was so strong and sharp it woke me- this morning I wondered if I had dreamed it.
I know this sounds nutty but i do not check for blood when I pee, but I did this morning. None, which is lovely. I am all about the none. But again, there was none last time.
I hate feeling like things could be gone and I would not know it.
Last time my symptoms continued, my body continued to grow and change... and the baby had been lost already.
I hate not having trust in my body and my body's signals.
I hate being haunted by that. Feeling as if no matter what I am experiencing, it may be false. Not a construct of my hopefulness either, but a big trick played by hormones.
What is the phrase for it, approach/avoidance? when a cat walks toward you all big tailed and sideways and arched, but walks toward you anyway-- attracted yet scared. I guess that is how I feel about monday's appointment.
And maybe really most days.
I am ok I think in spite of the scared. I am bone tired. Ready to sleep a lot on saturday. Ready to find a hotel near Brookline on sunday so monday morning's "commute" will be manageable. I am scared to think of what we will learn. Wanting all good things. Fearing our past experience. Trying very hard to remember that it is more likely to be good news than bad.
This morning just a crescent of ice is on the far edge of the pond- sea gulls stand on the lip in a cluster, heads into the wind.
The ice chunks by the side of the stream are 10" thick in some places, and all is mud and decaying leaves. It feels like the inhalation, the breakdown before things move toward green.
I still have over a foot of snow on the back side of the house, some bare ground on the front, and piles higher than I am from the plow.
I know a few warm days will be all it takes to change everything. One willow, cut back to a tufted topped stump after the ice storm, is wearing a yellow foof of branches like something drawn by Dr. Seuss.
I will miss the snow. I am not looking forward to the black flies.
But I am looking forward to watching spring happen, it is always so startling in how suddenly it begins, and how fast things change- each day when I wake up, everything is different.