11 March 2010

approach/avoidance

I had a scary time in the middle of the night with cramping I could not tell if it was GI or uterine, and it was so strong and sharp it woke me- this morning I wondered if I had dreamed it.
I know this sounds nutty but i do not check for blood when I pee, but I did this morning. None, which is lovely. I am all about the none. But again, there was none last time.
I hate feeling like things could be gone and I would not know it.
Last time my symptoms continued, my body continued to grow and change... and the baby had been lost already.
I hate not having trust in my body and my body's signals.

I hate being haunted by that. Feeling as if no matter what I am experiencing, it may be false. Not a construct of my hopefulness either, but a big trick played by hormones.

What is the phrase for it, approach/avoidance? when a cat walks toward you all big tailed and sideways and arched, but walks toward you anyway-- attracted yet scared. I guess that is how I feel about monday's appointment.
And maybe really most days.

I am ok I think in spite of the scared. I am bone tired. Ready to sleep a lot on saturday. Ready to find a hotel near Brookline on sunday so monday morning's "commute" will be manageable. I am scared to think of what we will learn. Wanting all good things. Fearing our past experience. Trying very hard to remember that it is more likely to be good news than bad.

***

This morning just a crescent of ice is on the far edge of the pond- sea gulls stand on the lip in a cluster, heads into the wind.
The ice chunks by the side of the stream are 10" thick in some places, and all is mud and decaying leaves. It feels like the inhalation, the breakdown before things move toward green.
I still have over a foot of snow on the back side of the house, some bare ground on the front, and piles higher than I am from the plow.
I know a few warm days will be all it takes to change everything. One willow, cut back to a tufted topped stump after the ice storm, is wearing a yellow foof of branches like something drawn by Dr. Seuss.
I will miss the snow. I am not looking forward to the black flies.
But I am looking forward to watching spring happen, it is always so startling in how suddenly it begins, and how fast things change- each day when I wake up, everything is different.

16 comments:

sprogblogger said...

I hate cramping, and I hate fear. And I especially hate that you're dealing with both. I'm assuming that you're going to have the very best of news on Monday, and I think the fact that you're exhausted is wonderfully reassuring news. Thinking of you, dear Kate.

And, btw, I love your willow-tree description - everyone should have a Dr. Seuss tree to smile at!

K said...

Oh dear, that's enough to make someone who has been through what you have, feel trembly and scared. If it makes you feel better- I woke up in the middle of the night early in this pregnancy with similar symptoms. It was SO strong I was convinced I was having an ectopic pregnancy or something...... I was absolutely convinced and even had a slight mourning over the "loss" but it obviously wasn't the case. The uterus is doing all sorts of funky things right now and the GI tract is too in reaction to the funky monkey growing uterus.

My fingers are crossed that its nothing at all. I wonder if fertiles jump like this. . . or even notice? Or are we just hyper attuned to our bodies?

Michele said...

I am so sorry for the fear and cramping... I can sympathize with that fear... Praying that Monday brings happiness and all good news...

B. said...

I'm hoping too that Monday brings great reassurance that all is well and that you're still undeniably pregnant. Meanwhile, I hope you can set your fears aside and sleep deeply as much as you need to this weekend. The forecasted downpour will make some dent in the snowpiles, and the crocuses that are already popping up down here will be in your neighborhood very soon. Hang in there!

Kate said...

I never had the cramping, but have heard from a TON of people that it's totally normal. I'm going to be betting that you've got two in there that are just stretching the heck out of your little uterus as their gestational sacs grow. Only 4 more sleeps till you get what I'm confident will be good news! (Yes, I'm still childish at 35) Because you deserve absolutely to have this happiness come your way right now.
And tiredness is a very good sign...

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

The thing about approach-avoidance in this case is that the days will advance no matter how you go about passing them. Ultimately I think that's a good thing.

Foof is a perfect description.

Grade A said...

You could probably have three hundred women tell you they had cramping, and the fear would still be there. Hoping for all the best on Monday. If you have time, Orinoco (Venezuelan) or Matt Murphy's (take a guess) on Harvard Street are yummy spots for you and Doug. Thinking of you, sweet Kate.
Magsy

just me, dawn said...

beautiful as always. I am trying to catch up with all my bloggy friends and I am so delighted to see your updates. Praying that the US brings you the joy of spring. I also realized that W. was born on your birthday, belated wishes :)

What IF? said...

Wishing for Monday to come soon and bring with it the joy and peace you so deserve. Counting the minutes with you...

Even though I understand your justified caution, I hope you will allow me to be utterly, obnoxiously hopeful and optimistic on your behalf.

Nothing will bring greater joy than for you and Mo to be pregnant together...

Thinking of you, amazingKate.

Kristin said...

You are gifted with words, Kate. Truly. This last chunk of them nourished me so much and made me eager for you to write books.

Sending so much hope and every good vibe that you will be met with joy again and again throughout this roller coaster ride.

IrishNYC said...

I truly hope Monday brings you peace and joy.

maxandzuzu said...

I'm sorry about the cramping. It certainly doesn't have to mean that something is wrong. Considering all that had happened before your fears are justified. But know that these cramps could just be cramps. What did you eat that day? Maybe something didn't agree with you. I know that you're afraid of the appt. on Mon. but I think it will aid in putting your mind at ease. Be positive. Things will work out for you this time. Repeat it like a mantra.

Thinking of you,

T

jill said...

That last paragraph is so descriptive and beautiful! I loved reading it.

Hoping with you that all is well.

KathyB said...

Kate,
Such gorgeous writing. Clear and honest. I will hope and pray for good news on Monday and all throughout your journey.
I will also be sending good vibes as I sense your presence in MA . . .
ox, K

tireegal68 said...

I'm hoping hoping hoping for you too, dear!
We seem to be having similar symptoms. I'm hungry I feel sick Im starving I'm not hungry I need to lie down etc.
I'm sorry that these are not reassuring to you based on sad experience.
Sending so much hope for your ultrasound on Monday:)xoxo

linda said...

I think that we've learned to not trust our bodies during IVF and it carries over into pregnancy. We're all too aware that pains and cramps can be caused by our medications and we learn to NOT TRUST our bodies and their responses. I hope that a time comes when you are able to trust again. I am in the same boat and imagine I'll be freaked out if I ever become pregnant.