25 March 2010

I'm ok

sorry to fall so silent,
I really am in survival mode
all is well, I am feeling fabulously shitty much of the time
still no puking but only a few hours each day that are not consumed by feeling terrible. and those hours are consumed by work.

I have a tiny little reserve, and find myself feeling raw, extra anxious, extra tender... just wanting to sleep most of the time.
It is hard not to equate this somehow with the heavy hell of depression-- it isn't, but the physical part is similar to me except for the queasy/nauseous deal which is all new.

So-- things are good!

so for me, apparently the natural life cycle of this whole process is one of serial consumption:
consumed by trying to conceive
consumed by IVF attempts, failures, details, minutiae, research, prayer
consumed by stunned disbelief at an impossible positive
consumed by fear of miscarriage
and now, consumed by feelings of total shitty icky yuck with a side of monsterfatigue

apparently, the theme of consumption continues.

my life now looks like
wake up, enjoy momentary physical normalcy with a heavy blanket of insane tired
have a few hours of almost normal with fleeting queasy, and increasing fatigue
then, say, 10am, get howling empty light headed must eat
then, say, 12 o'clock start the downhill slide fast into mid afternoon awfulness followed by evening horrible
eat something for dinner (salty chicken broth! potato chips and salsa!)
feel oddly and quickly better!
belly better, head clearer, as fatigue hits like a freight train
queasy returns with lying down
but sleep
ahhh sweet sleep.....

say, at around 9.

To help me keep my eye on the eventual delicious outcome (shouldallgowell) some great internet news: Sweet B. of No news isn't always good news had her beautiful baby on monday morning! Whoo hoo! Here's to her beautiful baby and the best possible reason for sleep deprivation.


karen alonge said...

Oh! Serial consumption! that's brilliant....what a perfect expression.

hang in there, hon. this too shall pass, and you won't even remember how it felt after it is gone, because you'll be on to the next thing!


Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I'm glad you are doing ok. :-) I started feeling better (less stomach concerns and more energy at 14 weeks). Still exhausted by the end of the day at 21 weeks but not that-dead-tired-I-don't-think-I-can-drag-myself-of-the-couch tiredness.

Hang in there... I agree with pp. There will be new things be consumed by soon! So happy your journey has taken you down this road, Kate!

Sarah said...

This is really good, Kate. All these symptoms are really, really good. I remember feeling what you are feeling and developing a new amazement at the collective and individual strength of women. We feel like total crap but go on and do what needs doing. Hang in there.

sprogblogger said...

That MS pattern sounds almost exactly like mine. I'm sorry it's taking so much out of you, though. Thinking of you and your little one - when is your next appointment? So pleased for you.

Searching for Serenity said...

It's hard work growing a human, isnt' it?

Hang in there.

Michele said...

You are doing a GREAT job!!! Honey, it's a rough time, but you are doing it with grace and keeping the fearmonsters at bay!

Hugs and prayers coming your way. :)

IVF 40+ said...

Sounds like it's all going to plan. Great news about the feeling crappy, tired and queasy. How odd to write that line as a congratulations?!
thinking of you
Sending you lots of love

K said...

The exhaustion is TOUGH. I hope the second trimester hurries along and takes with it these symptoms.

Beautiful reflection on consumption. Its amazing how much IF takes out of us.

Anonymous said...

broth was the most soothing and tasty to me when battling morning sickness...broth and any kind of hot soup really. eggs, too, strangely. eating, eating, and more eating was also another good tactic for keeping the yuck away, but it's hard to do when you feel crappy and nothing sounds good.
so happy for you and your pregnancy!

Kate said...

Glad you're having lots of reassurong symptins!

tireegal68 said...

whenver I say I feel sick, my partner says, "Good!"
I know what she means. It's much easier to guage my preggie symptoms when I have to work all day whereas weekends spent on the couch eating and drinking whenever I feel like it feel more "normal" and hence more scary!

tireegal68 said...

Oops I pressed send before I was ready. Hoping that those icky feelings are for all the right reasons and your little one is doing well. You're right though, icky is icky!