So sorry for my quiet--
it has been a difficult re-entry.
I am not reading as many blogs these days and not reading as often, sort of out of self preservation, but you know? I care SO MUCH about what is happening, babies about to be born, new pregnancies to celebrate, and some loved ones struggling with the physical and emotional trauma of trying one.more.time.
I want to be able to be there for all of you but right now I am trying to keep my own shit together emotionally and physically and it is proving more challenging than I would like to admit.
Oh yes, I am happy to be pregnant (although I do not quite believe it and sometimes I do not believe it at all).
The FATIGUE has hit with a vengeance, and I've been in bed just about every night by 9, completely wrung out.
And of course, there is the resurgence of The FEAR.
My ultrasound has been scheduled for the 15th of March, yes, holy shit, week 7, not because I wanted it that way, but because that is what their scheduling allowed. Since I was freaking the fuck out yesterday, sure all was lost, I scheduled a beta for saturday (thanks to to a great suggestion by my sister). An ameliorating move, with hopes for a number around 12K for reassurance. So yeah. Another week and a half before the ultrasound. And at that moment, I will be past when we lost our last pregnancy (even though we did not know it for 3 more weeks), so maybe maybe I can take some solace in that IF all is well, because we will have made it farther this time. That was a horrible sentence.
So, yes, really ready for some reassurance.
The fatigue is helpful, the feeling of full, the occasional twinges delight me.
The fleeting nausea seems to have fled- it is too early for it really (I say to myself).
I am trying hard to allow joy and have moments of reveling in the wonder of this in spite of/along with fear.... it is so hard. Fear is so big and toothy. But, again, with some gentle reminders I try to watch the fear and not let it consume me. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm feeling very tender today after receiving some difficult news last night- I both want to write about it and not. I may be too tender and the tears are too close to the surface, but the bottom line is I lost a beloved furry creature from my life and learned of this last night. It is the kind of loss that is nested and symbolic. And I am filled with regret and complex grief. I am trying to be gentle with my heart but it is so very hard. I realize, of course, that as the sad floods in and sweeps me under, there are opportunities to heal some of the parts long wounded. But oh, when I am in it, it is so hard to do anything but want to be on the other side as fast as possible. Screw the life lessons. But I also know I deserve the chance to heal, so I will allow myself to try.
I will write again, since some pieces have been falling together and I want to share.