04 March 2010

Quiet

So sorry for my quiet--
it has been a difficult re-entry.
I am not reading as many blogs these days and not reading as often, sort of out of self preservation, but you know? I care SO MUCH about what is happening, babies about to be born, new pregnancies to celebrate, and some loved ones struggling with the physical and emotional trauma of trying one.more.time.
I want to be able to be there for all of you but right now I am trying to keep my own shit together emotionally and physically and it is proving more challenging than I would like to admit.
Oh yes, I am happy to be pregnant (although I do not quite believe it and sometimes I do not believe it at all).
The FATIGUE has hit with a vengeance, and I've been in bed just about every night by 9, completely wrung out.
And of course, there is the resurgence of The FEAR.

My ultrasound has been scheduled for the 15th of March, yes, holy shit, week 7, not because I wanted it that way, but because that is what their scheduling allowed. Since I was freaking the fuck out yesterday, sure all was lost, I scheduled a beta for saturday (thanks to to a great suggestion by my sister). An ameliorating move, with hopes for a number around 12K for reassurance. So yeah. Another week and a half before the ultrasound. And at that moment, I will be past when we lost our last pregnancy (even though we did not know it for 3 more weeks), so maybe maybe I can take some solace in that IF all is well, because we will have made it farther this time. That was a horrible sentence.

So, yes, really ready for some reassurance.
The fatigue is helpful, the feeling of full, the occasional twinges delight me.
The fleeting nausea seems to have fled- it is too early for it really (I say to myself).

I am trying hard to allow joy and have moments of reveling in the wonder of this in spite of/along with fear.... it is so hard. Fear is so big and toothy. But, again, with some gentle reminders I try to watch the fear and not let it consume me. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'm feeling very tender today after receiving some difficult news last night- I both want to write about it and not. I may be too tender and the tears are too close to the surface, but the bottom line is I lost a beloved furry creature from my life and learned of this last night. It is the kind of loss that is nested and symbolic. And I am filled with regret and complex grief. I am trying to be gentle with my heart but it is so very hard. I realize, of course, that as the sad floods in and sweeps me under, there are opportunities to heal some of the parts long wounded. But oh, when I am in it, it is so hard to do anything but want to be on the other side as fast as possible. Screw the life lessons. But I also know I deserve the chance to heal, so I will allow myself to try.


I will write again, since some pieces have been falling together and I want to share.

21 comments:

sprogblogger said...

I'm sorry The Fear has you in its nasty, prickly-clawed grasp. I think it WILL be reassuring to be past your previous experience - I found it to be so, anyway. But I'm sorry you're having to wait so long. I can't imagine a between-US wait of so long. You are brave. And strong.

And I'm sorry for your loss. The grief surrounding the loss of beloved furry critters is so hard and so real and so difficult to explain to others. You're in my heart, and I hope this next week-point-five goes quickly and smoothly with much nausea and fatigue to reassure you and keep you calm

meinsideout said...

I am sorry for the loss - I love my animals so much - I am still devastated by my cat Sophie's death 2.5 years ago...((HUGS))

Do whatever you need to do to stay sane - it is tough to make it through this in one piece...

Michelle said...

I'm right there with you on the fear. I feel it every day. I think it's a particularly cruel piece of infertility that we don't get to enjoy being pregnant.

Hang in there... take it one day at a time.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I'm so sorry about your fur-friend. People who don't have animals friends don't understand, but it is a true loss, I know :(.

As for your fear, I know it so, so well. Unless you're 100% in love with the idea of your own RE doing your prenatal exam, I think you should consider moving it up. Our clinic usually does the first u/s around 6-6.5 weeks but if it was Dr. O that you were waiting on, you can certainly see if any of the other docs or physician's asst has an earlier spot.

And yay for the 3rd beta, I did the same thing and it definitely tided me over until the 1st u/s. Remember that your beta doubling rates slow down as they get higher, so make sure you take that into calculation consideration.

# Below 1,200 mIU/ml, hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours
# Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes 72-96 hours to double
# Above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four days to double

http://babymed.com/FAQ/Content.aspx?13508

K said...

So sorry for your loss :( *hugs*

And I understand the fear- its annoying- its unwanted- and yet its there. Today you are pregnant though. Relish that, revel in it, and I hope that slowly you will make it through each day until D-day holding your precious child in your arms.

IVF 40+ said...

Hi, take good care of yourself. It is a difficult time for folks like us. One day at a time.

So sorry about your loss.
There for you, thinking of you
Eb

maxandzuzu said...

I agree with K. Enjoy this moment. I'm sure that with what you've been through this is unspeakably difficult. However, give this little bean a chance. You need to make yourself smile more. I mean actually smile even if there is nothing to smile about. The action in your face can sometimes change your mood. You also need some sort of relaxation technique. Sleep is important during this time. How about getting one of those pregnancy massages or go to a reflexologist. A friend of mine said getting reflexology gives her the best sleep. Eat well and enjoy these precious moments. Some of us have never known the feeling of pregnancy. Do it for us but more importantly yourself. Your in my thoughts.

T

My Reality said...

Sorry about the loss of your furry one.

Hang in there, this can be a bumpy, yet amazing ride.

B. said...

Take great care of yourself, dear Kate. Sleep when you need to; cry when you need to; and I hope you manage to find something to smile about every day. It's a precarious road that we're all on, and we all need to withdraw once in a while to keep ourselves whole or gather our pieces back together. What I love about this community is that we're here for each other when we can be, and we are able to lean on each other when we need it. We're here for you, too. Lean on us.
Love,
B.

What IF? said...

Take the time. Breathe, feel, question, process. Cry, be joyous, just let it be what it is. There's no rush, really. You've been through so much.

I had to put my dog of 11 years down while I was in the very early, scary stage of the triplet pg, and it was incredibly difficult...

Hang in there. 7 weeks is around the corner.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Sorry for your furry loss.

The extreme fatigue is so weird: to be so happy about feeling so exhausted. The couch = your friend. I spent so much time on the couch in my first trimester that we went out and bought a new couch to better facilitate my lounging.

Good luck at the beta!

Nic said...

I am sorry the fear has you. It is such a shame that you are not able to relax during this time. Of course we all comepletly understand, and believe me, I am still keeping everything crossed for you.
I think the beta is a great idea, good luck! The fatigue is a good thing and before you know it, you will be vomiting, tired, and starting to get a bump!
Not long untill your ultrasound! Hang in there, you ae strong, keep positive. I hope all continues to be well
Take care of yourself
Nic x

karen alonge said...

sending love your way

babyinterrupted said...

Oh, the fear. I know it well. Thinking of you.

I have my ultrasound on the 15th, too; it is a beastly long time to wait, but I'm trying to remember that we'll be able to see and hear more than if I had an earlier one. Sometimes this consoles me. Other times...not so much.

I'm sorry about your loss.

Melissa said...

So sorry for the loss of your furry creature. I remember getting calls from home when the pets I grew up with had passed. Even though I had been away from them for awhile it still hurt just the same as if I was still living with them.

Hope you start feeling better soon.

Kate said...

Thankfully I was on vacation from 24dpo till just before my 7wk ultrasound. There was nothing I could do but try to stay calm and pray. And enjoy the beautiful scenery in Switzerland and France while we drove around for a few days. After the beta-ultrasound rollercoasters of my first two ill-fated pregnancies, I wasn't prepared to stick around town to beg for repeated betas or an early ultrasound.
Hope yout great news on the beta and your first scan.
And sorry for your furry loss too. I'm just as glad we don't have pets, as I'll be devastated enough when my brother's aging dog (who's adorable) passes away in the next couple years.

IF Optimist, then... said...

The sleepy fatigue is quite surprising when it hits you. Get as much rest as you can. I'm actually kind of glad that you get your u/s at 7 weeks (that's when I had mine). I know the waiting is hard, but it is also nice to know you will be past a hard time.

I'm so sorry to hear you are missing the love and comfort of a beloved furry friend.

Sending some extra hugs and love for healing and growing.

Jamie said...

Oh, Kate.
I am sorry for the loss.


BTW, I love the picture of you in your profile. So beautiful and tender.

Hugs to you today...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the fear youre experiencing. When I found out I was pregnant during my fourth IVF - a cycle that seemed doomed to fail from the beginning I was TERRIFIED. For me, my coping mechanism during my failed cycles and poor response during that cycle was to reason with myself about how life would be ok without children and to basically try to minimize/suppress my intense desire for a baby. As soon as I found out I was pregnant all of my "coping mechanisms" went out the window - there was no denying my feelings on the matter - having a baby was something that was very, very, very important to me. Having to accept that fact and at the same time being constantly fearful of losing what I had was quite simply hell. I'd never been so anxious about something in my life.

tireegal68 said...

Sending hope your way. So sorry about your furry friend. You are in my thoughts. We are right around the same schedule. Calming thoughts ((hugs))

Michele said...

Oh Sweet Kate... Know that I am thinking of you and sending you all the love I have today. Many hugs, dear friend.