09 March 2010

momentary normalcy

Tax information was collected, completed and sent- abject HORROR at the barefaced brutal compound fractured cost of all of this (not including this year's cycle!), and hope for a nice big refund to jump start the payoff process. LaraNoodle, I counted easily counted trips-- 5443 miles. Holy shit. 5443 miles in search of a baby.

But today, envelope sealed, sent, and an email sent to my tax guy warning of everything from my pay cuts to the medical expenses, so I feel I covered the bases as best I could. And I felt such immense relief at having that be over with. I've been accumulating stuff in a pile on the kitchen table, an energy sucking pile of I-don't-wanna-do-it. Well? Now it's done.

Yesterday and today I had 6 or so hours of afternoon ick with moments of real acute Yuck as if I am coming down with a terrible flu that is about to knock the shit out of me. Then, before dinner, the worst ebbs, dinner still looks/smells horrible, but I am starving. I look at this all as good, even if it is exhausting. Bionic nose is here, fatigue is still immense and profound. I hope my body is not playing me, making me think... all may be well.... and I worry, of course, that it isn't. And this is a reaction to leftover hormones like last time.

like last time.

unlike last time, this morning I lay in bed and thought of labor. It's on my mind since internet friends are due right now--Lisa of meinsideout is on the cusp of delivery, as is (increasingly) Impatiently waiting kate.
So yeah, I actually thought about labor. Me. In labor. I had only thought of this once or twice before, only philosophically or ironically or theoretically. This time it felt more like a prediction-- I wonder how I'll be.... as if, as if it will actually happen. I caught myself, of course, felt silly, but for a moment I think I was normal.
Wondering about the end of the journey I began without worrying about the middle. Not worrying about ultrasounds and nuchal folds and late term complications and all the horror stories I know from my reading here on the wonderful horrible scary supportive internet. In that moment, I was just speculating, as if, as if it will actually happen.

I loved that moment. I know my normal cannot sustain it, since I know too much and my loss is mine forever. But it made me realize just how great this can be. And I am so so hopeful that it can be that again, even in moments, I'd really be ok with that. But please, feeling of normalcy, please come back and visit again.

On an immense note of love- to Joannah of All things new, she lost her beloved husband Michael to cancer on Sunday- may she find solace in her deep faith in god, and in the goodness of her friends and family. As I wrote to her, I have learned from her the true meanings of devotion- to a god, a faith, a love, to hope, to her husband. I hope she finds the strength to survive this with her wonderful big brave heart whole and filled with love.


sprogblogger said...

Very glad you're getting glimpses of normalcy - may it stick around and get comfortable, you normal pregnant lady, you! You're in my thoughts.

K said...

So happy for you Kate, truly. I am thinking of you and praying that each milestone of your pregnancy brings with it success.

Kate said...

Glad to hear that you're able to feel kind of normal, even if it's only brief glimpses here and there. At least you're trying to take your joy where you can find it. I hope it's a good omen that you're already picturing delivering!
I was so surprised to read about Michael's death today too - even though she'd said he had changed and was planning to give up soon, I didn't think the end was so close. Just so glad they had so much time together at the end, and that (I'd bet) the end of his life was peaceful and full of love. IF seems like an easy cross to bear when compared to their struggles.
Looking forward to hearing great results from your ultrasound in the not-so-distant future. Hopefully having it after 7 weeks will also give you some reassurance about the baby(ies) hanging in there for the long haul.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Thinking about labor is a great sign of embracing a very real possibility.

IVF 40+ said...

Oh I remember that flu feeling. I had till 14 weeks. Oh wait, thats now!!
Glad little tissues of normalcy are floating into your mind. Good start, I say.

I hope peace is a pleasant companion on this early journey.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Yay for feeling like ick!! And, oh man, that amount of that driving is insane. I thought I had it bad, making 40 70-mile roundtrips (2800 miles) in 2009, but you've trumped me!!

My heart goes out to Joannah and I count my blessings as I write and remind myself to remember how lucky I am, little worries aside.

Lauren said...

You know I'm visiting this summer while I'm on my way up to Maine, right? And then a few months (up to you) after the baby (babies?) are born.

Aren't you SO GLAD you got to meet me so I could scam on your offspring?

So happy for you. Truly.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I love that these peaks of normalcy and "what will I do when" are creeping into your mind's wanderings. Sorry to hear about the yucks with food, but it IS a good sign that hormones are kicking in as they should. You are so sweet Kate. Thank you for checking on me, you spread happiness in my heart.