Tax information was collected, completed and sent- abject HORROR at the barefaced brutal compound fractured cost of all of this (not including this year's cycle!), and hope for a nice big refund to jump start the payoff process. LaraNoodle, I counted easily counted trips-- 5443 miles. Holy shit. 5443 miles in search of a baby.
But today, envelope sealed, sent, and an email sent to my tax guy warning of everything from my pay cuts to the medical expenses, so I feel I covered the bases as best I could. And I felt such immense relief at having that be over with. I've been accumulating stuff in a pile on the kitchen table, an energy sucking pile of I-don't-wanna-do-it. Well? Now it's done.
Yesterday and today I had 6 or so hours of afternoon ick with moments of real acute Yuck as if I am coming down with a terrible flu that is about to knock the shit out of me. Then, before dinner, the worst ebbs, dinner still looks/smells horrible, but I am starving. I look at this all as good, even if it is exhausting. Bionic nose is here, fatigue is still immense and profound. I hope my body is not playing me, making me think... all may be well.... and I worry, of course, that it isn't. And this is a reaction to leftover hormones like last time.
like last time.
unlike last time, this morning I lay in bed and thought of labor. It's on my mind since internet friends are due right now--Lisa of meinsideout is on the cusp of delivery, as is (increasingly) Impatiently waiting kate.
So yeah, I actually thought about labor. Me. In labor. I had only thought of this once or twice before, only philosophically or ironically or theoretically. This time it felt more like a prediction-- I wonder how I'll be.... as if, as if it will actually happen. I caught myself, of course, felt silly, but for a moment I think I was normal.
Wondering about the end of the journey I began without worrying about the middle. Not worrying about ultrasounds and nuchal folds and late term complications and all the horror stories I know from my reading here on the wonderful horrible scary supportive internet. In that moment, I was just speculating, as if, as if it will actually happen.
I loved that moment. I know my normal cannot sustain it, since I know too much and my loss is mine forever. But it made me realize just how great this can be. And I am so so hopeful that it can be that again, even in moments, I'd really be ok with that. But please, feeling of normalcy, please come back and visit again.
On an immense note of love- to Joannah of All things new, she lost her beloved husband Michael to cancer on Sunday- may she find solace in her deep faith in god, and in the goodness of her friends and family. As I wrote to her, I have learned from her the true meanings of devotion- to a god, a faith, a love, to hope, to her husband. I hope she finds the strength to survive this with her wonderful big brave heart whole and filled with love.