yesterday I worked on gathering/sorting medical stuff for taxes, and oh man, am I raw from tripping down memory lane. Last year's expenses, travel, various doctors, prescriptions, appointments, reliving or retracing our pregnancy, our loss. Oh my heart.
so today I woke feeling careful
even after reasserting my desire to revel in the wonder of the now. I feel as if my scared heart is saying, not yet, kate kate, not yet.... when really, I want to be able to say and feel happy things about this miracle I am living right this very moment.
See? bloodtest reassurance=36 hours. not 48. what the hell kind of bullshit math is that?
Ultrasound next monday, a week from right now, 10am.
I feel different this pregnancy, no body dysmorphic awfulness (yet), no deep blue (just deep tired).... starting to hate the idea of food while being howlingly hungry... I am barely vaguely crampy, ligaments are being easier on me (or maybe I have just learned how to move around them)... I want to think this being easier means things are better.
This week is The Week-- the week we saw the heartbeat, and the week we lost our little one. So it is a loaded week for me in terms of symbolism.
I hope to fill my days with the projects I must attend to, and my evenings, well, they'll be short since i need to sleep so early!
Time will pass, I'll be fine. And chances are, all will be well when we take a peek next monday.
Do you include the day of retrieval as day 1 of a pregnancy? if so, this is 6w1d. otherwise it iss 6w.
Yoga tonight with a wonderful woman who also teaches the pregnancy yoga class. I wrote to let her know.
and today I told my office manager since I realized, should something go wrong it is easier for her to know now, and also, should I need cover, she can help me navigate.
then, finish the tax sorting, sending that tomorrow. What a relief that will be.
trying to be gentle, hand on belly, breathing, appreciating, wondering, hoping.