08 March 2010

retracing

yesterday I worked on gathering/sorting medical stuff for taxes, and oh man, am I raw from tripping down memory lane. Last year's expenses, travel, various doctors, prescriptions, appointments, reliving or retracing our pregnancy, our loss. Oh my heart.
so today I woke feeling careful
even after reasserting my desire to revel in the wonder of the now. I feel as if my scared heart is saying, not yet, kate kate, not yet.... when really, I want to be able to say and feel happy things about this miracle I am living right this very moment.

See? bloodtest reassurance=36 hours. not 48. what the hell kind of bullshit math is that?

Ultrasound next monday, a week from right now, 10am.

I feel different this pregnancy, no body dysmorphic awfulness (yet), no deep blue (just deep tired).... starting to hate the idea of food while being howlingly hungry... I am barely vaguely crampy, ligaments are being easier on me (or maybe I have just learned how to move around them)... I want to think this being easier means things are better.

This week is The Week-- the week we saw the heartbeat, and the week we lost our little one. So it is a loaded week for me in terms of symbolism.
I hope to fill my days with the projects I must attend to, and my evenings, well, they'll be short since i need to sleep so early!
Time will pass, I'll be fine. And chances are, all will be well when we take a peek next monday.

Do you include the day of retrieval as day 1 of a pregnancy? if so, this is 6w1d. otherwise it iss 6w.

Yoga tonight with a wonderful woman who also teaches the pregnancy yoga class. I wrote to let her know.
and today I told my office manager since I realized, should something go wrong it is easier for her to know now, and also, should I need cover, she can help me navigate.

then, finish the tax sorting, sending that tomorrow. What a relief that will be.
trying to be gentle, hand on belly, breathing, appreciating, wondering, hoping.

18 comments:

Searching for Serenity said...

You are right where you should be. We're here with you.

meinsideout said...

Thinking of you. I would count retrieval day as day 1 - the same as ovulation.

((HUGS))

K said...

Hoping you have an uneventful week. Looking forward to your ultrasound news next Monday. Day 1 is retrieval day (techinically fertilization day.)

B. said...

Be sure to count your mileage! I racked up over 3,000 miles in pursuit of Ishkabibble last year, and I'm planning to count every one in my tax calculations this year.

I'm hoping that the combination of projects and early nights will make the week speed by and before you know it, it'll be u/s day.

And have you SMELLED the air today? I know it's early, but wow- that smells like SPRING.

Kathy B said...

Kate,

I hold you in my hear this week.

Kathy B

Kathy B said...

make that Heart.
K

sprogblogger said...

Sorry you're not getting more than 36 hours of peace. I don't know what it is about that time period, but it hits me there, too.

Thinking of you and sending you giddy, joyful thoughts to get you through this bad week. I would dearly love to see a giddy Kate!

IVF 40+ said...

These early weeks are hard on folk like us. One day at a time helped me. Hell, I think I went one moment at a time.
Thinking of you and keeping it all crossed till U/S day.
Eb

Kate said...

Thinking of you, Companion Kate.

--Kate (from Brooklyn)

Kate said...

Best of luck next Monday. I'm expecting only great things from you.
I counted ER as ovulation day, so ER was on a Friday and I used that as my week-change day. So I think you're 6+1.

Jamie said...

I will be praying for you...
And thank you so much for this blog, for your story. I am humbled and honored to read your words.
Much love to you, Kate
XOXO

sarah said...

Doing the taxes always hits me that way too. I have such an associative memory that I can't look at a quicken transaction without thinking "I was pregnant/not pregnant/miscarrying" etc.
(((HUGS)))

linda said...

I think that my RE has said that the embryo is one day old the day after it's been fertilized...so the day after retrieval.

You've got to be on such pins and needles right now, and with good reason considering what you have experienced in the past. Maybe your yoga teacher can help you with some calming breathing exercises and visualization? Something really gentle for this time?

Michele said...

wrapping my arms around you in a big hug

babyinterrupted said...

hating food while being howlingly hungry - totally, completely get it. Yesterday I actually ate a hot dog. I hate hot dogs. (And then I read in "What to Expect" that I shouldn't have eaten it, but WHATEVER.)

Thinking of you. My u/s is Monday as well, at 2pm. May that give us a good few days of peace, at least.

robin said...

Studying and currently focusing on Ahimsa. Do you know the Yama ahimsa? Helpful for these kinds of days... Wishing you good pg stuff each day, all day. Good, good, good stuff.

Jen Lee said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm with you. I'm tracking right along, quietly.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

I counted it as day 0, as in 0 dpo etc.

Ah, the taxes and adding up the money spent on failure is so troubling that last year I put it off until after the babies were born in October. Means to an end, not money wasted -- easier to say on this end of course.