Yeah, so, my wonderful, long, more-than-36-hours abject fear hiatus passed this morning when I woke up feeling all was lost.
No idea what clicked over, but I had that heavy feeling of doom. Maybe because I had no cramping, maybe because lying still I felt nearly normal...
As I drove in, nausea would come in waves, and in between, I would say see? All is lost. As if that made any sense at all.
I am insane, people.
I think Sprogblogger's comment yesterday was so wise, and I am trying to imagine myself sort of like an IF blind justice, with joy and hope in one hand, fear in the other, and realize that both have their place and that there is room for both.
I know this, of course. I have no issue with the knowing. I have issue with the feeling.
The stream is still up over the banks, and running so fast and crazy it is ignoring the turns and going through the woods instead, seeking straight lines, water yellow with dirt from the fast melt. But at my house I still have big snow in the back yard.
My drive goes through different seasons-- winter at my house, then early spring. And here, at work, the clover is getting green just outside the door in the warm sheltered spot by the side of the building. And the buds on the trees are getting big.
Last night I pulled off the road to talk with my sister (I lose signal on my way home) and the sky was nearly black with pinpoint bright stars. Orion over the western edge of the trees. And it was so quiet and still and dark and dazzling.