18 March 2010

hiatus hiatus

Yeah, so, my wonderful, long, more-than-36-hours abject fear hiatus passed this morning when I woke up feeling all was lost.
No idea what clicked over, but I had that heavy feeling of doom. Maybe because I had no cramping, maybe because lying still I felt nearly normal...
As I drove in, nausea would come in waves, and in between, I would say see? All is lost. As if that made any sense at all.

I am insane, people.

I think Sprogblogger's comment yesterday was so wise, and I am trying to imagine myself sort of like an IF blind justice, with joy and hope in one hand, fear in the other, and realize that both have their place and that there is room for both.

I know this, of course. I have no issue with the knowing. I have issue with the feeling.


The stream is still up over the banks, and running so fast and crazy it is ignoring the turns and going through the woods instead, seeking straight lines, water yellow with dirt from the fast melt. But at my house I still have big snow in the back yard.
My drive goes through different seasons-- winter at my house, then early spring. And here, at work, the clover is getting green just outside the door in the warm sheltered spot by the side of the building. And the buds on the trees are getting big.

Last night I pulled off the road to talk with my sister (I lose signal on my way home) and the sky was nearly black with pinpoint bright stars. Orion over the western edge of the trees. And it was so quiet and still and dark and dazzling.


Mad Hatter said...

It is so strange to stand here on the shore and watch you out there on the water...launched and afloat and joyful in it and yet trepidatious, too, which all makes so much sense. I want to reach out to you and help in some way, say some magical thing...but all I can do is wave until my arm is sore and blow you a hundred kisses and tell you to keep paddling - you're doing great and I am willing you with all my might to get to the other side.

alyssa your whorish friend said...

you're not insane, kate, you're human.

you know that one thing i've wanted my whole life that i've been trying, trying, trying for? how if i tallied up how much time i've tried and failed and tried and cried it would be at least two years of non-stop misery? *this* is how it feels when hopes have been dashed to hell. yet i keep trying.

it's scary. i feel like a crazy person. each time you tell me that you're proud, to trust my heart, and what will be will be, that i'm doing the best i can, and i'm brave.

take your own advice!

love you.

B. said...

Much love to you Kate. We're all a little insane to want something so much that we're willing to go through what we've gone through in pursuit of it. But it's a good insane, I think. I'm hoping that the joy and hope consistently outweigh the fear. I'm glad your recognizing the fear without losing your grip on hope and joy. I hope you get to have many reassuring visits with your OB.

sprogblogger said...

You're not insane, you're pregnant. And for us, sometimes that means the same thing, but you're insane in a perfectly normal way, because I don't know anyone who's been through what you have who DOESN'T feel this way about their pregnancy.

I think your nausea - intermittent is how m/s is SUPPOSED to be - is a wonderful sign. Hold onto it.

And if you find a way to make the terror stay away for more than 36 hours, patent it. Because we could all use a little of that...

I'm thinking of you, sweetie. If you want to talk, give a call. My phone's around here somewhere...

IrishNYC said...

Just keep holding on, and getting past the little milestones. Before you know it, your little one will be here.

Grow wee one, grow!

tireegal68 said...

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way:)

Anonymous said...

thinking of you