Best time ever

First I want to apologize to anyone coming to the blog from the writing workshop this weekend-- I had a great time with so many meaningful and enriching and encouraging and inspiring moments-- and I loved meeting all of you. And I appreciate so much the support and sensitivity each of you showed when I told you of my journey. As you read my blog you will notice that I just found out I am pregnant after this last IVF in the days right before the workshop with my second test results coming as I was getting on the train. Please understand that I was too cautious to announce my pregnancy since it is so incredibly early, insanely early, not time to announce anything other than a fabulous beginning. So please do not feel misled or duped, I was just being careful- so if you are here, please know that it is hard to announce a pregnancy this early no matter what, and especially after a loss.

The workshop by Jen Lee was great. Truly. A very empowering and loving gathering of strong creative women. It will take days to process it all, but I am so glad I was brave enough to attend, and hopeful I have forged some connections that will last into the future. Jen Lee is pure magic, she just is. And I send love and appreciation to her and to the other women in the group, to Fatu and jen Lemen for their wonderful guidance. I feel very spoiled after days of storytelling and listening. I am full.

Speaking of connections,
I just met Sprogblogger and Mo and had the most wonderful time (major understatement). In case you are wondering, yes they are actually That Cool in real life, maybe even cooler. Beautiful, smart (no new news there, I know) and terrific company. How lucky am I?? VERY.

Thank you all so much for your happiness and ruckus making on my behalf. I am just moving outside of the 36 hour window of peace from the fabulous beta, and am relishing each fleeting wave of mini nausea.... tiny ones, here and there. More at night, more with empty belly. Tired and dark circled, my ligaments pull when I turn, and I just hope hope hope all is well in there.

A crinone question with TMI for sure so be warned-- every two or three days I have very copious wet discharge, clear, as if my body is trying to flush something out (sorry dad)--anyone else have this?

Still in NY tonight, back to NH tomorrow-- just feeling very grateful tonight for so many things-- for the pregnancy, for the workshop that was truly wonderful and for all of the stories and love and support and reminders of pieces of myself that I have missed for a long while, for my time with S and Mo, wonderful in every way except too short, my moment right now to be able to thank all of you-- I am so grateful for your support and wild whooping, to my sweet sister Sarah for posting to you while I was away (how cool was that??), and to my dear friend Alyssaa- I am perched on her sofa, at peace and at home in her company. Soon there will be Thai food. All is well.
tiny keyboard, no editing, happy to be able to say hello.

Thank You

Sarah here. More good signs. Kate is tired and has intermittent nausea. I read her your wonderful comments over the phone. She will not be online until Monday and I am sure she will have a lot to share at that point! Thank you all for being so amazingly supportive of my sister.

Great News

Just talked to Kate. Beta # 2 is 1508!!!!!!! Kate wants you to know she may or may not have internet over the weekend while she is away. She is on the train now, experiencing joy, and trying not to cause a scene :) Go Kate!

snowed in *update*

At least 11" of fresh fluffy snow which is way more than we expected
my car is low and light and I simply have to wait for the plow guy.

this, my friends, is an exercise in finding peace in things I have no control over.
If I cannot go early enough to test today (I need to be there by 10 I think)
then I will go tomorrow.

It is about 2 hours away when roads are clear. And I find myself facing the bizarre and, for me, unimaginable truth that I may just have to let this go today.

Not what I expected but nothing really is, is it?



***
yeah, no.
Not today. But tomorrow! 9am. on my way to NYC for my weekend workshop. So I will update when I can or ask my sister to- so if she posts for me, don't panic, ok? All will be well.
She said, bravely.
(BREATHE, katekate, BREATHE).

Got plowed out at 8. At the moment, I am safely at work, have an afternoon meeting up north so that should be a diversion if it happens. Hey, I'm wearing a skirt, that is a diversion unto itself.

The snow? it is so lovely-- big fat flakes, and piled up on everything. Wet enough to pile high, even on fence posts and ponies.

tomorrow

Me? I am rocking and humming and praying.
I am not sleeping much
worried of course
also knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about any little bit of it.
This sucks for my control freaky self.
Must.do.something.
So I am loving your notes and congratulations THANK YOU SO MUCH! It is helping me think good thoughts.
But I have to admit, in some ways, I feel like it is not quite real, and what if something happens and my numbers suck tomorrow or...
yeah. Like I'll be exposed as a charlatan. What a crazy thing.
fun things to amuse myself at 5am.

No doc appointment until after we know the number tomorrow- then, it will either be a WTF (hope not) or an ultrasound. GULP.
Of the two, please let me have the chance to worry about the ultrasound. Please please please.

Found some reassuring stats yesterday-- ignoring my age and my previous loss of course because I have to otherwise I would roll up into a ball.
Rates of miscarriage by week- ha.:
http://www.pregnancyloss.info/info-howcommon.htm weeks 3-6 10%, weeks 6-12 5%, week 12+ 3%
I know, how could this be reassuring?
because I am now in the 10ish% range, again, I am totally ignoring my age. Which I am. And will. And for me, at this moment, 10% is really helpful.

Lalalalala
holy crap.
please please please please please

258 reasons for happy

I am feeling the love, thank you!!! You are all so very awesome- sorry if any of you felt played, I so did not mean it that way-- it was just how it came out, and also how it came down for me-- that horrible crushing sadness, then, hours later, a reprieve. I peed again last night and the line was darker still. Faint but not as faint and that is a great thing.

My first beta today: 258.
Hot damn
and hot diggity dawg we're definitely pregnant! They called with results before we were even home from the clinic. Received a very nice congratulations from a very nice nurse. She told me my number was good and strong.

This is all very good because I peed on a stick this morning and it was no darker than yesterday's so I went into a decline (aka nosedive) assuming all was lost. (I can easily make myself TOTALLY insane here. Watch me.) So this fine and good number is helping a LOT. And we'll do this again on wednesday to check for appropriate doubling.

I slept about 47 seconds last night, so I really really need to nap.
But I also do not want to miss one moment of this happy stunned giddy holyshit feeling.

Just so you know, especially those who watch themselves closely during the 2ww- symptoms of pregnancy are absent-- tired, yes. And my boobs are sore when I poke them but nothing significantly different. The only remarkable things (now that i know I am pregnant) are that I am crampy and I have the lower ab pulling sensation when I turn over (I've had that for a week and thought i was insane). And I thought I was going to throw up this morning but that was pure pee stick related stress. And a faint fucking line can still mean a fine beta, even with the best FRER test sticks.

I do not think I have ever said Please so many times in my life.
Please let this work, please let this work, please let this work.
Through some miracles, we've made it through the 5% to get this far, now I hope I can make it into the 60% that lets this pregnancy stay.

And I know I cannot say thank you enough to all of you-- thank you for pulling for me, for hoping with me, for supporting me so kindly. Thank you for crying with happiness at this admittedly surprising news. Let's hope this works. I am so ready to be off this ride and onto the next one (preferably with minimal drama).
Thank you all so much. No matter what happens, I cannot tell you what this community means to me. Without you I'd be lost.

7 things

THANK YOU Sprogblogger and baby,interrupted (who just got an awesome beta yesterday!)
Thanks for the sweet award!



Award rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award

2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award

4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you

5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs


1. For about 8 years of my childhood, from 1st through 8th grade, I grew up on a small (4 acres maybe) subsistence farm in Connecticut, in a yuppy preppy town. We had a cow, chickens, rabbits, pigs, geese, a horse, a pony, amazing gardens tended by my mom, a big green stake bed truck. We had apple trees with tiny bitter yellow warty fruit, and lilac bushes, and secret paths. We had a hay barn, and two cats, and a dog. We had concord grape vines, and a semi circular gravel driveway that flanked an open field. It was the coolest place in the world, and I dream of it so often, I am often surprised when I wake and find myself elsewhere. I changed schools a lot during those years, so home for me was the stable thing. A climbing tree (a sturdy maple), a red maple that held one end of the rope hammock, a rain barrel, a magnolia tree. A rickety above ground pool that saved our asses many a hot summer day. The town we lived in was not filled with farms, I was the only farm kid I knew except my sister. I remember bringing a chicken to school with me one day for show and tell. I remember I brought it in a hoover vacuum box. A lot about my childhood sucked ass-- I was sick a lot with belly issues (colitis), school stressed me out horribly, and it was just really hard for me being out in the world since I never knew when I would be stuck in the bathroom or in a crisis trying to find one. But home? The farm? I cannot tell you what it meant to me.

2. When I started college I thought I would be a modern dancer since it was something I was enjoying doing, it was not a choice so much as a default- then I got injured and had to reassess. It was impossible for me to imagine what I would want to do- I've never had a calling, never had one outstanding talent, never had a when-I-grow-up-I'll..... so, so much of my life has felt accidental and reactive-- responding to what comes up, situations or opportunities that arise. After the injury I had a bunch of aptitude tests done and the fellow doing the testing said that I had great 3-D visualization ability, perhaps I should consider Imaging Science... the time came for a change, and I went to a new school, took Imaging Science. I graduated in a shitty economy and took the first job offered-- and began a career that I have never ever felt passionately about. I became an expert in something now obsolete, but it lead me through jobs at three companies- the last is the one I am at now. I have been here for 12 years. I love my coworkers (love working with smart people!) and love working with customers, love technical troubleshooting, love helping make things work. But I do not love what I do. And I have always felt that there are pieces missing, like I took a wrong turn and am not quite lost but a few blocks away from where I should be.

3. I've been talking with my sister a lot lately about how we thought that if we were nice, tried hard, followed the rules, that we would succeed. And we've both come to the realization that the ones who really succeed are those who question and push and ask for more than what is offered, dream new things, test boundaries or simply not believe in them, are nice perhaps but not as a rule... and it is a hard thing to learn at this late date that what I should have been learning is risk taking, dreaming big, trial and error, learning that failing is OK, try again, try something else.

4. I have always feared failure. It has kept me from trying new things, exploring, and I do not think I regret too many things more than this. I wish I had grown up in the generation of video games, fail and try again is part of the process of playing, it is expected, it is not a show stopper, it does not mean you are unworthy or an idiot or a failure.....I wish I had known I would live through failure. I did not fail a class until college where I got a D. And I honestly did not know what to do- it was a required class, calc 3, infinite series, what the hell.... I had to take it. So I took it again as a audit, and then, I took it again for credit. I may have a fear of failure but apparently I also have tenacity. But only because I had to. I wonder who I would have become if I had somehow learned to fear less and risk more, and realize that failure is often a part of learning, and it was separate from my kateness.

5. I've written about this before. I love food. Being gluten free, dairy free, egg free has been such a pain in the ass. I miss food, I miss cheese, I miss bread, I miss making bread and baking. I am not much of a cook at all, but I sure do love baking. So since the dietary change, I have felt bereft, have found some things that are ok, but also realize that eating has lost a lot of joy for me. I am trying very hard to find things I love-- I made a great turkey meatloaf twice now that is really great. made a chocolate cake that was DIVINE but nearly killed me (still not sure what thing caused me trouble)-- the issue is not that I will stop breathing, but that I will be incapacitated with horrible belly issues, pain, and be stuck in the bathroom. So I cannot experiment too much. I want to identify 15 great meals, and several really yummy count-on-it treats. So far I've got about 4 and 1.

6. On Christmas day, as we pulled into my sister's driveway, Doug turned to me and asked me to marry him. He had asked before, and I'd always said not yet. My prior experience, as you may know, was horrid. But in that moment, his face said something different, and my mouth said something different too. I said Yes. And then, because I am kate, I proceeded to freak the fuck out for several days of inconsolable grief. Fucking PTSD. Anyway, I surfaced slowly, and realized that perhaps if a marriage signified what already is, is a celebration of a commitment that already exists and a relationship that is already loving and supportive, maybe I do not have to be so scared. Don't ask me for a date, I'm not quite that evolved yet. But I am very happy in my own quiet neurotic way and so very lucky to be with this wonderful person.

7. I peed on a stick this morning at 4:45. It was negative. I got back into bed, told Doug who pulled me close. I could not sleep, lay there tortured and grief stricken and heavy with sadness. Doug got up at 6ish, because he is crazy like that. And I stayed in bed, trying to sleep, trying very hard not to feel all I was feeling. I told myself I could choose to let this destroy me, or I could choose to handle it some other way. But I suck at that, and finally I dreamed some and fretted a lot, and basically felt the sucking hell of grief pulling be down. I hauled my ass out of bed at 9, was planning a heart pounding consolation hike.. had to pee again at 9:15. And just happened to look at the stick I'd left on the sink from the 4:45 peeing and....
there was the faintest ever second line. Evaporation line, I said to myself. Fucking cruel joke universe, ha ha. But I peed on another stick anyway because I had to even though it was only a few hours later.
And there was a very very faint second line.
Holy shit people. In this moment, this one, this very moment, however faintly, I am pregnant.


Some of the many beautiful bloggers in my universe:
Maredsous Just had her DE FET yesterday! PUPO baby.
Traci Twin monsters on board!
Peanut Noodle (Lara) Pregnant!
K gestating twins!
B expecting Ishkabibble any day now!
Kate of Impatiently Waiting 38 weeks!
Jem of Ambivalent Womb, currently going through several levels of hell.

trying to let hopeful win

Thank you, as always, for your support and understanding. I know I am nutty, but this is all torture and insanity as you all know.
I so agree with Maddy- Hell is infertility.

I'm better than I was yesterday. Today I feel almost a little peacefulish. I had a Nia class last night that made me sweaty and distracted. Trying to figure out where my feet should go is a great diversion. I danced when I was younger, before I got older, self conscious and stiff. This is a huge thing for me to try to move comfortably/rhythmically/gracefully.
When I just could not get something simple, (stepstepstep) I blurted out, GOD, I SUCK AT THIS CHA CHA THING! and everyone laughed (everyone = 4 other real bodied women and the course leader who is some sort of energizer bunny super sprite).

And last night on my way home, I grinned up at the little Cheshire cat grin of a moon in the western sky, and noticed orion bright overhead over the horse pasture I pass, and today, the stream is running so low, I can see all the layers of ice where it has cut though, a mini grand canyon, and honestly? When I stay connected to nature, get outside, or just spend a few moments really looking, I feel much more grounded and real, and for a moment, sometimes, my flailing quiets.

As I said in my last post, yesterday I got to the point where I decided I am most probably not pregnant (stats+history+fear), so, I told myself, any and all negative tests would just be confirmation of what I already "know" and therefore not a big shocker or a big letdown. But you know? This is such incredible bullshit-- any negative test always has been and always will be a major-ass heartbreaking disappointment, not a confirmation-As my sweet sister said to me last night, this is all a mind game anyway, trying to figure out how to make it through any way possible, just, literally, trying any and all tricks for survival.

I also realized last night just how early yesterday really was, so I will not be testing again until I cannot stand it.
Just because someday I will forget this, today is 12dpo, 9dp3dt.
So I am hoping I can wait until tomorrow. And I will try. Because that white space? where the line should be? sucks my life force. But it's one of the only things we can choose, right? The timing of the pee stick? A modicum of power... a little wisp of a fantasy that we have control over something, anything, any little thing. Yeah. I get the symbolism, but I hate the fact that unless one is lucky enough to stumble on an early positive, it just totally sucks ass. So much for power and control. Ha. Bite me.


Some folks mentioned my planning for the whatifhisdoesnotwork. I have to. I have to have a direction where I might head next otherwise I will flounder and sink. Heck, I may flounder and sink anyway, but I want to know which way to the shore.

Hopeful feels better than desolate, so I am trying to let hopeful win.

preemptive defeat

me?
still decidedly fucked up.
decided this morning that I am not pregnant. Peed on a cheapo stick. Negative. (early yes yes I know I know I know).
And it felt like shit.
preemptive defeat maybe?
Not sure what the purpose is as I do this to myself, but it feels so reasonable, hey, I say, if it's negative, it can still be(come) positive, just not showing yet!
I pretend it is self protective somehow... even though I swear it just feels bad and self damaging.

But in the midst of all of this shit feeling and negativity, I also keep repeating to myself the magical phrase that was told to me about one of our beautiful embryos:
"High Implantation Potential" and imagining those amazing blob clusters, that incredible photo, and hopinghopinghoping with all my might. And when I look at the picture, my heart leaps and I feel hopeful. I really do.

Hope, for me, feels like a fist sized squeezy spot around my solar plexus. When associated with glee (like my feeling post transfer) it is nearly irrepressible- but when coupled with sad worry, desolate defeatism, it feels a empty and echoy, a achy bruise maybe, a sore spot, a reminder of an injury.

Listen, I know that this might have worked. might be working. The progesterone has me exhausted. I am broken out. I feel down and blue and reactive, quick to cry. Am self medicating with small amounts of dark chocolate. I am trying to be gentle with my bruised and battered and hopeful heart. I really am. I am trying to remind myself that I know nothing yet, no amount of hope right now, or amount of defeat can help me Know. I have to wait and find out.

Meeting with the doc on wednesday (they set up the WTF appointment at the transfer, not quite heartening). I cannot help but feel if we had more money (infinite, say) and if we just tried this long enough, we would succeed. I read about people getting pregnant on their 8th IVF (are you kidding me? 8?) and just feel achy and sad. Maybe the 8th time would have worked for me too. I just want to keep trying until this works. But I can't. We can't. We are out of credit, and have amassed a mountain of debt, and are going to have to move on. And honestly, it hurts so badly to know this, it knocks the breath out of me.

We've all talked so much about this slippery slope, this, what if I could just.... or, just one more time.... or, maybe if we tried a different clinic/protocol/RE.

Trying to get psyched about what's next - Found a clinic in Florida that does donor egg cycles for 10K, I need to call and find out if they offer financing, and if they have anyone like a younger me on their donor list. And while we get our money situation in order, I'll ask the doc if we can use femara and timed intercourse. Or something.

This is just so incredibly hard. And I feel so incredibly sad. And the whole thing just sucks rocks.
Yeah. so. that's how I'm doing.
Tonight I'll buy some real pee sticks. And I will use them probably quite steadily between now and sunday, damaging or not. I am not sure I can keep myself from doing it. And I sure hope I will be surprised.

pieces

Completely lost my shit today
big big tears
absolutely overwhelming fear/sadness/grief
just wanting this week to last forever so I do not have to learn this has failed.

I suppose it was bound to happen, I felt it coming last night when talking with my darlin'. But an announcement this morning by a friend of her 5 month pregnancy hit me in the face like stepping on a hoe.
And so, I called my sister and came apart. Not just about the announcement, but about this whole thing.
one of the best things about my sister? she gets it.

I know I am afraid, and I hate that.
Hate feeling so out of control and so at the mercy of the news that will come this weekend. Beta is sunday. Will I pee on a stick? Not sure. I do not want to find out from a stranger (all the folks at the clinic are new to me, and my one steady nurse is on vacation)-- but I do not think I can handle the empty white space on the pee stick either. So I just don't know.

So yeah, today was coming apart day.
Tomorrow I will see what I can do with the pieces.

object of desire

So in the midst of the incessant advertisements for shiny cars that peppered the olympic opening ceremonies, suddenly, there it was, an object of my desire!
Anyone else see that cool little handheld GE Vscan ultrasound thingy and say (outloud or to yourself) ohhhh! I want me one of those!?

I sure did.
Thinking of you Sprogblogger. Screw the doppler.



I can't find the ad- but here's some info.

context and envy

So lately I have been thinking about two IVFy things- context and envy--both of which reveal just how psychologically twisted this whole thing is.

Let's start with context-- after this retrieval I had the realization that if I am fearing or expecting no eggs, or just one or two, and get 4, it feels like a miracle. If I am, for whatever reason, hoping, praying, expecting, say, 8 eggs and get "just" 4, I feel bereft.
the 4 are the same.
the stats are the same.
the difference is the context in which that information arrives-- isn't it amazing that the same number can breed euphoria and dismay? Goes to show it is not inherent in the number, and it is in every way influenced by what I want, what I fear, what I expect, what I long for, what i dream about...
I looked back over some old cycles (no worries, this was before transfer, I'm trying to stay all sunshine and roses at the moment)-- and I realized that with the exception of our first real full IVF (8 eggs! 5 embryos!) 4 is good for me.
Hear me, me:
4 is good for me.


Then there's envy- IVF envy ferchrissakes, of all things. I am talking in my age group here, as even in my age group I have found plenty to envy. I find myself envious of other women's fabulous stims, their follicle counts, their eggs retrieved, their embryo-making, their 3 day counts, their embryo grades and cell counts, their 5 day blasts! Oh! if only! I say to myself, if only I had many more chances this time around, oh and some to freeze, to try again if this fails, how wonderful that would be!
But it does not matter how wonderful that would be. It is more likely I'd spontaneously get pregnant from a romantic encounter than to have enough embryos to freeze. But this time, I really imagined I might. I really did. I daydreamed about it. And so, yeah, ugly as this is, envy. Envy for women who get pregnant their first cycle. I hate admitting this. I really do. It is embarrassing. Heck, I envy the relationship some have with their RE's, I envy the feeling that the RE is doing everything possible, leaving no stone unturned. Researching in the off hours... whatever.
It feels so improper, like envying an appendectomy.

I guess I wanted to come clean about it because I feel weird knowing I feel this way, and I have not said it outright that i can remember. Feel awkward as I comment on blogs and say congratulations when (parenthetically) I cannot help but wish it were me too. My congratulations are sincere. But so is the underlying envy. I wish it were different. So yeah, here's my dirty little secret. Or, at least, one of them.

Thank you for listening.

stillness

Last night was so clear, the stars so bright--- I took the long way home from dinner, the back road that takes me up and over a hill between two huge fields-- one that falls off to the west and Mount Monadnock, one that runs east toward Temple Mountain and the Wapack range. The sky is big there over those fields, and on evenings with setting sun, or rising moon, or, like last night, moonless and starfilled skies, oh! It is my favorite way home. There are trees that line the road, but looking through and past there is the wide openness of field and sky, and I always slow to a crawl or pull over, and just revel in it.

There is a waterfalll at the millpond behind the place where we ate, water races over the falls in the spring, slows as the summer progresses, and in winter, it freezes over in some sort of weird freeform statuary that looks like heaps and curls of freshly made and mounded whipped cream.
When it is thick opaque ice, like now, it is hard to imagine the herons that stand and fish at dusk when the weather is warmer, it is hard to remember the hay in those high fields, the big round bales that make my arms ache with the muscle memory of a hundred smaller bales on the hottest days of summer.

This is a time of stillness, like the moment between inhalation and exhalation. The woods are still, and it is cold enough so there is no melt today.

Our footsteps in the back clearing are still deep and run along the deer tracks and coyote we were checking out last weekend.

I am trying to hold my place of improved comfort, or at least not chase it away with fear before I have to. I am trying not to panic at gastro upset, or allow myself to get mired in the middle of the night brainbabble that this-will-not-work.

Last night I got two fortunes, identical to one another: you are tasting the sweet success of your efforts.
Gosh, I hope so.

love

oh heavy heart, dear Joannah, a sister IFer who put her journey on hold when her husband was found to have kidney cancer last year- well, they've just decided to stop treatment for his cancer. If your heart has the strength, please send a prayer or a note. I cannot imagine how horrible it must be for them after fighting so, so hard.

no matter what else i was going to say here tonight, now that I have read Joannah's heartbreaking news, all I can do is send
Love.

today

20 years ago today Nelson Mandela was released from prison
It is Sarah Palin's birthday. Good lord.
It is also Sheryl Crow's
and Jennifer Aniston's
and Taylor Lautner is finally 18.
and me?
I am 43.

Happy

We have two beautiful embryos, truly. The first time I have seen a photo--how totally magical.
Acupuncture before and after, felt like I was doing what I needed to.
The transfer sucked ass but then, they always do for me. The doc was wonderful (yes, Lara, it was your most wonderful doc!), the threading of the catheter through my cervix is always hell, and it was this time too. So maddeningly painful and I wish it were different. But it only was ok once and that was from someone who knew my cervix well....

But, all went well besides the threading, and we are just home a little while ago-- it was a long day away. It is dark now, but the new snow was so lovely and not too troublesome since it looks like only an inch or so and the roads were nearly empty of other cars.

I'm resting on the sofa and I feel so blissed out excited optimistic chemically positive that it is almost a rush in itself to just feel this way. Happy, one could say.
Yeah,
that.
I'm happy.

Holy crap people, I could get used to this.

I want to write deep things about context and hope but those can wait until tomorrow.
tonight, I am just going to marinate in feeling so damned good.

thank you so much for your kind wishes and support, everyone. It means so much to know you're hoping for me/with me.

misc katebabble

You all are the best.
Thank you for your good wishes! Transfer is tomorrow at 1:45. I get acupuncture before and afterwards-- I am glad I arranged for that, it makes me feel like I am doing all I can.

I asked about estrogen and they said mine is great so no supplementation needed. I asked about baby asprin and they said no. So, I need to trust that this will work out in spite of my rather significant paranoia.

Happy Baby News-- Amy and Melissa had their little one a few days back- a big boy!

Anyone else pee on a stick the morning after your trigger shot? anyone else have a slow to show up second line? I am just wondering....

I'll write more tomorrow afterwards--
thank you all, truly, you buoy me up when I am floundering and it means the world to me.

2!!!!

gosh darn it is nearly 3:30.
I could not stand waiting any more
so I just called. (sorrytobeapain butiamgoinginsane pleasetellmeIhaveembryos)
2!!!!!

so we're still on!

now, I, (aka crazykate) seemed to completely forget that the one pregnancy we have had was from a last ditch IUI after a shit stim with two follicles and we had two sacs that time. So, I am all about the miracles.

I am ready for one or two please.
I arranged for acupuncture before and after.
I am so relieved I could cry. the good kind.
now I can breathe.

I heart Anonymous

Seriously now,
Anonymous, could you have delurked at a more perfect time?
THANK YOU!
What a magical story indeed. You helped, you helped me feel hopeful, you really, really did.


and
to all of you: thank you for understanding both the celebration and the swearing. It just sucks to want so much to have as many chances as possible at success.... and then finding out that maximum number is so small.
hoping today brings me news of as many chances as possible.
I'll update either way.
celebration or swearing.

4>0, but shit

So, yeah, 4.
YES people, 4 is more than 0! so I celebrate that. truly, I am relieved. It was my#1 nightmare, my first psychological hurdle. I woke to them saying they got eggs. I fantasized, how many? i wondered, I had all those big follicles, and often they retrieve more than expected, so maybe there's many.... 8? (she laughs now, ruefully).

then, when they came by and said 4, I felt stunned and felt my heart sink fast. Why just 4? I have huge E2, more must have been in there.
Please do not get me wrong, I am glad it was not 0. but I am also fighting tears (fucking anesthesia) because I am so worried with so few to work with, what the fert report will be.
I do not yet know how many are mature
that tiny number scares me in terms of normal attrition of maturity and fert rate. I will get a call tomorrow afternoon with the details and I feel like I am on some cosmic hook of yes but.

but coming out of tomorrow, let's imagine 3 or 4, I will be ok.
even if there's 1, I promise, I will try to be ok.

I came home and slept 3 hours. Feel like I am at the end of a tunnel from the post-op dislocation.
I'm too tired to stay and write about the things that feed my soul. Each word is a typo. Hope for home.

me, myselves and I

idiohole?
assiot?

what does one call a half asshole half idiot?

Oh Robin, if only I was able to stay in the moment.
how silly of me to think I could just blithely skip along, happy at my progress.
oh no, no, I had to go back and look at my ill-fated no-egg retrieval cycle, my very first IVF attempt, way back when, and discovered my numbers and follicle counts were nearly identical to what they are now.
So,
I crashed.

Then, I talked with my amazing sister who reminded me that since then:
I have been wheat/dairy/egg free for over a year
I have taken months of DHEA and over a year of fish oil
I have had success with egg retrieval, embryo making, and even, yes, implantation
I have been exercising more
I have been doing weekly acupuncture

I am not the same kate that went through that cycle (oh boy, not).

and this time: I am on one new med now (mestinon) one new one before transfer (Medrol), and will have assisted hatching....

So,

I want to believe with all my heart that this will be different, but to be honest, it is only half my heart at the moment, and I will feel *so much better* once sunday comes and eggs are retrieved, and monday comes and there are plentiful happily dividing embryos, and when wednesday comes and they are back inside me.

I am worried I do not know my killer cell status and my clotting factors
I am worried I am not supporting with estrogen post-transfer, just progesterone
I am worried I am worried I am worried.

And oh! that kate-that-was-a-year-ago, poised with that first lupron needle above her belly skin, knowing she would try just that once, and then...
and then.
She had no idea how much she would try and try and try
how much debt would be accumulated
emotional debt
financial debt
time we don't get back
and how that first shot was one of what, more than a hundred and fifty at this point?
and I am sad for this kate, this holy shit veteran infertile. I am one of the ones I used to read about and feel sad for. goddamn it I wish I wasn't.

looking for my happy.
remembering that image of that perfect ovary.
thinking that i need to trust that boston IVF has done this a whole lot more than I have.
20,000 babies more.
so I need to just buck up, suck it up, get a grip, breathe, and know I am doing the best I can with what I have and know.
little miss control freak is not happy with this.
little miss tired to the bone and just wanting this to work is willing to flirt with the idea. I know which one is louder though.

I am not quite as insane as all this sounds
I am breathing
I am ok. I am just wishing that following the rules meant I would win.
But I know better.
thanks for listening.

whoo hoo

trigger tomorrow (time TBD), ER sunday
optimistikate says: ET wednesday

details from today:
E2 2496
LH 5.24
Progesterone 1.17
Lining very nice

L: 19.92, 18.26, 13.76, 12.2
R: 17.5, 16.19, 15.86, 14.45, 14.38

She says, right now 5 are looking good for mature eggs, 3 more are possible... all feels good to me.
Of course I wish for more! I always get stim envy for my wonderful egg producing friends. But, the coordinating nurse said again this is a lovely stim for a woman over 40, and, when I asked today, the friendly wand lady showed me an image of one of my ovaries and it has never looked so lovely during a stim. Truly. Like the images on the internet of a good ovary under stimulation. It made me feel better to see it with my own eyes.

Happily, last stim and lupron injections tonight (I have left over meds for my if-need-be egg donor!)
mestinon tonight and tomorrow morning
trigger tomorrow night

medrol start sunday after ER (for 4 days)

and beta on the 21st.
Holy crap. I will pee on a stick before then I assure you.

Oh please
let there be eggs.
Let there be embryos.
Let there be a baby.

8>0

Sneaking a moment from work to say:

E2 2100
LH 7.16
Progesterone 0.82

R: 16.6, 14.9, 13.2, 12.6, 12.4
L: 16.27, 15.75, 12.77
lining good
Dose increases to 375 follistim tonight
same menopur
same mestinon

and now! with added UTI! (Macrobid) Fucking A.

I go back tomorrow morning for a recheck.
Maybe trigger on friday night for sunday (superbowl!) retrieval-- (hope so! it would minimize work impact)

I am very happy with my response and I am worried about all of it. (those two big ones, will they hog the FSH?, what if there are no eggs? what if........)
so, all is as it should be or at least as it always is. I am very happy to have 8 in play at this point so I'll try to shush.
Besides, I have firepee to distract me.

My sister's birthday **update

Hi All,
It is my beloved sister's birthday this day--
so if you get a moment, would you stop by her blog and wish her a happy one? It would be fun to inundate her with good wishes.

This morning's scan showed 4 follicles over 13-- more under 12. No numbers yet from bloodwork etc, I'll update later!

** quick update:

R: 13.89 13.25 multiple under 12
L: 14.2, 13.9 few under 12
E2 1591
LH 6.24

verdict? doses stay the same, and back tomorrow morning for a recheck!
this whole waking up at 4:30 because I am worried I will sleep though my alarm, have weird dreams in semi sleep until 5:30 thing is tough
but the mornings are so beautiful it is really hard to bitch.
but the tired? oomph.

And
the insides? active! sore and achy and full and crampy and twingey and intermittent stabbing pain up left side of the inside of my hoo ha for the past few hours (not so fun), so yup, things are happening.
I dream of a heating pad and a nap but am *so friggin happy* that this is going ok so far. We may trigger friday or saturday unless we let the big ones go to get more little ones. We'll see.
holy crap.

kickin ass and...

E2 was a whopping 1012 today, so follistim was dropped down to 300 units from 450 and we'll look again tomorrow.
Sweet Maureen gave me the whole scoop when I asked:

ready?
LH 4.64 up from 2.81 on saturday. They'll be watching.
Progesterone 0.724
H2 1012 (holy crap)
lining already 11.7mm and stripey. Whoo hoo!

follicles? (they only measure over 12mm! what the hell??) I have 3 over 12.

Right: (present and accounted for today) 12.4 and 12.9 and many under 12 (many = 5-10)
Left: 12.11 and a few under 12 (few = <5)

So three are showing off, more bringing up the rear, E2 rising nicely (precociously)
and

I go back tomorrow morning, sucky drive and insane traffic (how do people do that? I would need to wear depends) but
this morning?

moon set and sun rise and oak branches with a few leaves left arching over the road,
the bare branches of everything look so beautiful this time of year- pen and ink on watercolor sky
I watched it turn from dark to dusty rose along the horizon.
the moon was so bright last night, the shadows!crazy sharp against the snow.