mid-wait babble

twinge-y.
crampy when I pee
I am SO CURIOUS
so curious I lost my mind and peed on a stick yesterday (WFT? 7DPO?) um, yeah.

Hello, my name is kate, and I am a hope addict.

So, anyway, lalalala nothing to see here.
it is raining.
it has been
It will be.
the gray is so pervasive it reminds me of all my years in Rochester
and my one damp year in Seattle
when the sky just stayed gray for days and the moon could have been any phase and how would I know?

When I lived in Seattle, I was a long way from my mom, so we made a deal, we would go out and both look at Orion. BUT once in Seattle, the gray was so pervasive, I only saw it a few times,
and remember the comet? Hale-Bopp? yeah. well. it was there for a long, long while before the night sky opened one night and I saw it for the first time and sweetly said holy fuck.

Yesterday there were breaks between the deluges. The sky split into actual clouds, and I got a treat of layers and layers of gray and steel gray and blue gray and gold-- cumulonimbus, and rain sheets, and sun beams and
then, this morning, fog was settled in everywhere.

Without the sump pump I would have an indoor pool in the basement.
And I think moss is growing behind my ears.

BUT, just like Seattle and Rochester, the flowers are amazing this year, and the green could not be greener, and I swear I could see things growing if I just stood still for a moment.

and me, smack dab in the middle of my two week wait and NOT getting extra points for patience. you should hear me: I am definitely pregnant. no I'm not. what was that? a twinge! like last time! I am definitely pregnant. no I'm not. what was that?....

good lord.

honest scrap

Well now, sweet If Optimist bestowed upon me an honest scrap award.

Because I am kate, I will probably not play by the rules, but I am honored as heck.

The rules that I will flout?

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap" award.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So, since I think nearly all the blogs I read are brilliant, this is impossible to pass along to just 7, and many have already been here, done this.

So, without further ado--

more than ten honest things about me, some of which some of you already know-

1. Once I truly love someone, I just do. Forever.

2. I have been single, I have dated, I have dated women, dated men, was married once, was widowed, and am now partnered. I did not plan such a complex path, but I sure have learned a lot. I have always found relationships difficult, but it has gotten marginally easier since I have figured out who might drain me dry, and subsequently learned to avoid them like the plague.  But for a while there? I was a doormat. I do not miss it.

3. I wish I could play an instrument. When we were little, my dad used to bring home instruments from time to time for us to play with (he could play anything by ear and by trial and error). So over the years we had a flute, a clarinet, a zither, and I had a guitar. But, unlike my dad, I cannot just pick anything up and play it, and without lessons and effort and practice it will never happen. I just want to wake up some day knowing. And while I am at it, I would like to wake up knowing a second and third language too please.

4. I have no tattoos. I used to think this was ordinary. But not anymore.

5. I really am a redhead. As gray comes in fast and furiously, I wonder when/if I should dye it. I cannot imagine being anything else. But I cannot imagine dyeing it either. So I will wait.

6. White christmas lights bring me happiness.

7. I love chocolate, chocolate and strawberries, chocolate and mint, chocolate and coffee, chocolate and kate.

8. I am hopeful. Sometimes, even when I should or do know better, I am hopeful anyway. I like to think of this as a positive feature and not a sign of delusional insanity. No matter, it is what it is. And I sure think it beats hopelessness.

9. I am full of wonder. I love to watch cream move through tea, clouds move by overhead, and water ripple as rain hits it or as waves come in, and the flash of fireflies doing their thing, and lightning flicker, and leaves come in and unfurl and change color and fall, and snowflakes!  Oh the magic. I would not trade this part of me for anything.

10. I can find 4 -leaf clovers more often/easier than most folks.

11. 11 is my favorite number.

12.  I can't whistle

in the middle of in between

5 or 6 dpo (fertility friend says 6)

twingy feelings lower right uterine area for two days, just like I felt last time on the left. I am wondering, in spite of all I know. And yes, I am hoping.

Bottoms off and on the table had a recent entry about hope that is really funny and really true. She is a great writer with a knack of just saying it like it is and that particular entry? pure genius. I am a hope ho. No question.

Me? a mixture of wild spring greens.

blissed out about sprogblogger's lovely ongoing pregnancy. 

adrift in the middle of my latest 2 week wait. Wondering, thinking, asking myself when should I test, should I test, should I just say screw it.  

After much mental machinations/mastication, I have a plan (ish)--

be pregnant.

if not pregnant, cycle here at Dartmouth next month (July) for a billion reasons, all of which point to that being the right thing to do. 

Then, if not pregnant, my August travel may be right when I would want day 2 or 3 testing, so.... contact a clinic in San Diego near where I will be and ask if they will do my testing should it come up. If Dartmouth wants me to take a month off between cycles or no longer wants to cycle with me if I fail, make sure that testing covers all Boston's testing requirements. Then come home, do the invasive testing for Boston day 10ish, and then --

based on if Dartmouth will still cycle with us, decide what to do.

If Dartmouth says yes?  not sure. Will have covered my bases though...

if not? Cycle with Boston assuming test results do not make that impossible-- lupron starting day 21 for a September active cycle.

What if Dartmouth lets me cycle two months in a row? Not sure not sure not sure.

My darlin is a summer camp director, summer is hard logistically no matter what. it is easier to cycle here during the summer, 

but.

I'd love to sneak an IVF in here somewhere soonish if the back to nature cycle and subsequent IUI do not work.

Longer term--I have holiday plans in September and October. September, an art workshop that would suck to miss, but this wins.  October, my annual writing getaway with my dear beloved friend Tammy is planned and paid for, but even that will get bumped to second place if I am cycling. I will talk with her about it this week.

So, yeah, I am crazy-hyper-aware of my uterus, and my middle section in general, and wondering about any moment of thirst, about peeing, about tiredness, and hunger and gurgling gaseousness and ohferchrissakes

this consumes me.

on a positive note, I have the prettiest BBT chart that I have ever had.

maybe that means I'll get extra points.

and I ate my first blueberries up on the mountain yesterday-- a break in the rain, a hike up and back, blueberries ripen at the ends of the clusters first, and they were warm from the sun, and sweet and wild.

and then last night it rained so hard it came down like pennies, and rained and rained and rained. 

"ok, who was I?"

You know when you're in the midst of something and you've gotten interrupted, and, as you resurface from the detour you wonder, "ok, where was I?".

...Well I realized that this whole IF process has lead to a more existential question, "ok, who was I?". Who was I before I was so rudely interrupted?


Since connecting with the PBS (I am still embarrassed by the babyspirit moniker, so I have come up with my own TTC acronym: PBS, potential babyspirits) I have felt markedly less blue. I do not wish to explain it away or talk myself out of it so I won't since, shit, at least I feel better. I have found myself laughing a little easier and being a little more springy (not quite Tigger-y for those of you in-the-know)-- a much more famliar kate.

But as I have been getting on with the process of healing from the miscarriage and as I have gotten closer to cycling again, dealing with the missed ovulation that first cycle, and this month charting and fretting over blood work and pee sticks, I could feel myself sinking back toward the place of darkness and near-stuckness. Getting back into the groove, and not a good one. As if by healing, I was also coming back apart, creating a distance between me and me.

I know that being/feeling like a stranger to myself is just one more way this IF journey is alienating. And this time, as I delve back into the fray, I want to do all I can to save myself from that loneliness. I want so badly not to lose my grip on my kateness, the silly parts, the loud laugh that surprises even me, the one who looks up at the clouds and does not always stay locked inside. I am thinking of hanging a life preserver on the fridge, to remind myself that I am worthy and not broken and not causing this struggle, that I am doing the best that I can.


So I am working on ways to remind myself who I really am, remind myself of the best parts of me as we go through this, whatever the THIS might turn out to be.

non certainty

I am still not sure what the right thing to do is or will be. But, I think it is most likely I will cycle next month with my home team. Business travel is still uncertain, looks more likely that I will be at a show in San Diego in early August-- not SF in mid July so at least I can cycle next month. (It's a small company with ever shifting priorities so things may change a gazillion more times between now and then).

I am waiting to feel the YES I want to feel so I can know which way to go.
Maybe the absence of a no is what I'll have to work with instead. Choosing the closest to yes.

Even though as a creative person, uncertainty can be what creates new and different solutions and ideas... sometimes I really like clarity, I ache for it some times, feel wistful when I don't feel it for long stretches.... I like certainty too, that feeling of Yes, of knowing, of deciding, of ... well... clarity. And so little about this is any of those things.

When I think about the science of this, I am struck by the inexactness. By the fact that folks are driven more by statistics since there is very little else to go on, as with much of medicine. I know that if I consult with 10 different clinics I will probably get 10 different answers. So what does that tell me? Folks operate from their strengths and experience and are informed by their successes and failures. And while there is science that this is all based on, as I've said, there is also a shitload of luck involved and as far as I can tell, there is not much we can do to sway that tide one way or the other. We womenpeople are far from steadystate. One month might be a banner follicle month, the next, not so much. FSH goes up and down. One month a protocol might work that would not work the next or the one before.

So, where I am right now is where I am right now-- wishing I were being pulled by an inescapable, clear YES. But instead, some maybes, and one soon.

In the beginning of my 2 ww...hopeful.

CD13, LH+, BostonIVF

Dang I am tired. More than a few hours of low level emotional strungoutness, some cautious hopefulness mixed with considerable nervousness, well, it eats my energy.
It is cd13, LH+ this morning (thank you, you friggin fickle pee stick god).
Boston IVF? well, it was interesting.
The doctor was nice, polite, considerate, thoughtful. I had an exam I was not expecting. A full one, inside, outside. Up and down. And well, he said I appear to be terrifically healthy which is grand and apparently my uterus is smooth and I have nice cervical mucus. Um, thanks?

Bottom line?
He'd do an IVF with me and absolutely thinks it is worth trying again even though he knows and acknowledged it would be challenging due to my age. He would not do PGD. He affirmed a conclusion I already reached-- anything other than polar body testing can damage an otherwise perfectly normal embryo, and if one is not working with many embryos, the risk is too high. His philosophy for someone of my age is to set out to make as many embryos as possible and literally put them all back. And then, simply let them sort it out-- the ones that are healthiest will stay longer.

He said he believes that any pregnancy is better than no pregnancy since each one has a better than 50% chance of going to term so "the odds are in your favor". Hm. An interesting philosophy.

What are the benefits of switching clinics? A few additional bloodtests and maybe some more insight into my egg quality and quantity, the addition of DHEA (I will take it anyway-- for those of you following along: 25mg 3x/day, EXCEPT for the two days before each potentially expected period, this stuff is not to be used in pregnancy if you can avoid it-- then, if the period comes, start back up again. Benefits in 4 months (yup 4, consistent with what I've read)-- and issues? hairy chin, acne. Hell, I'm halfway there already... )
And perhaps the clearest psychological benefit (and psychological challenge): the expectation that we would do IVF. Not IUI with potential for conversion.

Downsides-- it is in Boston which is a pain in the ass to drive to, I would need two appointments down there for testing prior to cycle kickoff, I did not feel great about the vibe in his office (blaring daytime TV, and an almost half hour wait for my appointment) or his office staff (although they were not un-nice), the cost is considerably higher than where I am now and I need to make sure it is worth it, and he wants to do another saline hysteroscopy...
Oh and he would go back to the long lupron protocol which means two months for every cycle, and his highest doses of stims are slightly higher than the place I am currently cycling-- one more vial of follistim a day than I do now which can be good or bad depending on how you look at it.

He did say if I am ever interested, I'd make a great candidate for DE and he also mentioned it just once, just at the very end. Said he felt I'd have a 50% chance per cycle if not higher. I told him it was out of my price range at the moment and he understood, but he also understood that that is just not where I am yet.

So given all that I learned, at least at this moment, this one- I guess I am not feeling compelled to make a clinic change. I did not feel there was going to be enough difference I guess-- enough philosophical difference or scientific difference or a larger dose of lady luck.

I do not have to decide today.
And maybe I will just get pregnant this cycle of fireflies and the beginning of summer and rain and rain and rain.
And if not, well... good to know I have options even if none of them is presenting itself as the obvious "right one" to take.

Fireflies!

For the first time ever I am having mid-month bleeding/spotting that started yesterday, it is CD12, and for the past two days I've been crampy on and off...I have never had this before and it is a little freaky. Ovulation bleeding? Maybe, but I have yet to surge. Only one faint line on the LH kit mid-day yesterday, not even close to a positive but it was good to see, made me feel as if I were heading in the right direction. But a mere 6 hours later a repeat test showed only a ghost. I hate pee sticks. I feel like they are playing with me. Yes! No! Maybe! Not so fast! Tricked you! Haha, take that silly hope!
Stupid sticks.


Tomorrow I meet with Dr O down in Boston-- I am curious about how it will be, and am nervous already although I know it is a complete waste of energy to be nervous--of course that does not stop me, I am anyway. I do not know why I persist in hoping for an intellectual over-ride when it comes to these things. My body does its thing, gets all tangled and jangly, then my mind gets into it-- "there, there, no need to feel that way". Tough noogies. It just is. Body wins.

Oh internet, I just want to be pregnant already. I am tired of this bullshit of cycle hyperawareness and nervousness and worry and schedule crapola... even though folks have been on this ride oh so much longer than I have. It looks like I have a business trip in mid July-- the timing dictated by a tradeshow (any of you in San Francisco?), and I hope it is not at a time where I need to be monitored or inseminated or... so help me if the trip screws up my ability to cycle, I'll be one seriously crazy lady.

On a positive note, as a balm to my solstice blues, I saw two fireflies last night-- the first of the season for me-- and I am totally delighted. It is early yet, and to see them was pure magic.

IFblues/frustration and happy firefly bliss. Emotional dichroism..

Sprogblogger is Pregnant!

I am not sure I could be more excited.

Please go wish her happy things.

www.sprogblogger.com

midsummer's eve

I always feel a little sad this time of year, not a big sad-- I know it sounds crazy to be sad at all, since solstice marks the beginning of summer, of outdoor time and sunshine (if this rain ever stops), of greening and growing and fruit and vegetables.

But it also marks the day when the amount of daylight begins to shrink, by mere minutes each day of course, but tangibly each week.. and for me this is a really hard transition.

A few days ago I talked about desperation-- how much I hate it, how much it brings out the worst in me...
This slow loss of light makes me feel a bit of that too-- wait! wait! don't go! I did not really have you yet! I just want it to stay a while longer.

On my hike today I let my mind off-leash, and watched it run around a million miles for each step I took up the hill. I watched my mind leap around, watched it wishing and fantasizing about how I would like things to be. And I know and noticed I have a hard time keeping clear in what I wish for, it keeps gets tangled up in all that I fear.

It was a wet hike, and buggy, but I walked fast and farther than usual.
I noticed that it is hard to look too far ahead when you are walking a trail strewn with roots and stones. You have to look down, see where you are and where you are going next, choose your footfalls carefully. If you look too far ahead, you'll stumble.
Looking down, I saw a garter snake in the blueberry bushes, and a white white moth lying still against the dark mud of the trail.

When I stood still I looked up at the ragged bottomed clouds as they moved south fast enough to make me feel I was falling backwards.
At one overlook, crows were flying so low I could see their wing feathers bend at the tips with each beat, and I noticed their open beaks as they passed overhead...

The new moon tonight marks a new beginning, time to plant and plan and dream big. I know I am missing a clear dark sky up above those rain clouds-- it is raining big fat drops that drum on the roof, I am missing the stars.

weathervane, compass, map

My hCG is below 5, so I am officially no longer chemically pregnant. I am sadder than I expected. I expected relief of some sort, some sort of closure I guess, or There, now I can get on with it... But no, mostly I am just sad.

And in spite of the result, no IUI this month. It just is. It has been decreed. And to be honest, I mostly expected that too.


In the spirit of extending lovingkindness to ourselves and each other, for all us who are in need of a gentle and loving reminder of what hope feels like, and who have hopes of regaining some sort of direction in all of this sucking morass of crap that is IF land, run, do not walk to MeInsideOut's beautiful blog entry.

Here is a taste:

"I am going to tell that scared, alone, hurt, lost and crushed part of me that it will be okay, that I will take care of me, of us no matter what. I will be okay. no. matter. what."

Yes. That. Exactly. It was so darn easy to forget. Please go read her post, there is oh so much more in there than this.

what is next

I hate feeling anything like desperation. And there is so much bullshit desperation in this-- desperate for a plan, for success, for a pregnancy that holds and results in a healthy baby, a healthy kate. I get all tangled and reactive when I feel as if I am cornered and have to make a decision or take action in some sort of immediate now-or-never sort of way.
When really, this is not about now or never.

The emotional side of this journey feels so desperate so often, as if somehow urgency can change the outcome or make things clearer. When in fact, it just muddles it up.

I need to get my head and heart around the fact that this is simply about what is next.

I canceled the appointment at CCRM.
I called Boston IVF yesterday and have an appointment for tuesday for a consultation with the guy who handles many of their older patients. Their prices are not as incredibly horrific as CCRM, not immediately prohibitive, and they do work with ARC for financing. But/and the ARC prices are dependent on age and I am almost afraid to call.

So, I am gathering options, ideas, and information.

Today I will get an update on my hCG level. I have no expectations one way or the other. Meanwhile, it is CD8. My darlin' just came down with a big juicy coughing cold.

I am trying really hard not to feel thwarted or persecuted or victimized by silly and not so silly things like viruses and finances and circumstances-- this is just what it is right now.

Today I noticed the first day lily blooming bright yellow in the lush greenness that is my garden. I noticed the cat mint is covered in tiny lavender flowers. Today I am trying to slow down and pay attention to things that always help me feel more grounded, wrapping my hands around the warm mug that holds my tea, and feeling grateful for all that I do have, big and small.

A beautiful reminder from swirlygirl.

breathing in, breathing out

so here I was, blithely complaining about being uncomfortable about not doing anything this cycle...
and then I have this influx of information and possible possibilities and options and proceed to freak the fuck out and feel I have to do something right now! decide! take action! As if, if I don't, all will be lost.
Talk about Uncomfortable! Luckily that feeling eventually passed.

So I do not have to do anything right-this-moment, I do not have to decide or take action or freak out. And really? It would not matter anyway, it would not change where I am right now.


Here's what I know: I know I/we cannot afford CCRM. We just can't. I am glad I asked, I am glad I know. Now I have to rustle up the gumption to cancel.

I came across some interesting articles on the grand chicago IVF clinic site about PGD, and it made me think about what it could mean, both positive and negative-- check it out if you want to raise doubt in your heart.

But, because I am nothing if not curious, and I am still curious about PGD and how it might help me have a successful pregnancy (assuming I make embryos), I took If Optimist's great advice and started to explore ARC related clinics-- there's only one nearby, in Boston, and I wrote yesterday for information.

I always assumed I am ineligible for those sorts of buy-in-bulk programs since my age is advanced (I finally stopped reading details for those programs on most clinic sites since most were for the below 38 crowd for non-DE cycles)... but this one does not make that stipulation obvious, so I should just ask. Gather information. Forge ahead in the meantime.

As an IFer, I've done my compulsive and compulsitory research-- where to go, who is supposedly best (that's how I got to CCRM)-- but I also have some serious limitations I have to work within-- financial limitations, work limitations (which leads back to the first point), scheduling with my darlin', and time.

I am not sure we will make a change, I am not sure we won't. I just know I want to make educated decisions when I can, but sometimes, like this time, education does not matter, money does. And while that does suck rocks, it is still the truth.

***

Ok something else is weighing on me and I need to get it out there.
So here's a little detour about assumptions-- I realize this does not necessarily matter per se, but I started to feel like I am lying by omission: my sweetie and I are not married.

When folks assume it, whether it be clinics, or sweet commenters who've assumed it-- I've wondered, if I should correct the assumption or not. If he were a she, I would. So I asked myself, what of it? Does it matter? No, not really.So when a clinic says it, I just go along. But at the same time, sometimes, yes it does. It does because I am the kind of person who wants to be honest when I can, and I want to be honest here on my blog-- so here you go.

So the next obvious question for some folks who read me here will be, why not? Well, I was married once (read the "about" in my other, rarely updated blog), and not much scares me more than doing that again. At some point I sure hope I realize in my scared heart that a new marriage would not be the same marriage, it would not follow the same tragic trajectory. I want to be able to be open to it, but I'm not. So, until I am, here we are.

I guess that may be what this post is all about.
No matter what I may wish,
this is where I am. And today? Call it resignation, or reality, or battle fatigue, but today in the shitstrewn aftermath of the storm of possibilities that came and went and left me flattened, I am feeling remarkably ok. And I sure as hell am Not going to question it.

if wishes were fishes....

fuck.

So, go read the previous post if you haven't.
They cannot schedule me until July for my one day assessment and I must be unmedicated.
So, what the heck do I do? Put off a cycle? Maybe. But...

Cost for IVF + ICSI (required) + PGD? Let's just say it's just shy of 20K (not including medications and monitoring) no matter how we slice it. Upfront. And if I use all of my available credit, we could maybe do one cycle. One. This is sort of what I expected, I was just hoping for a slightly less costly option...

Not sure what to do. Took the July appointment slot just in case.
Wish I could have gone this fabulously fortuitously unmedicated week to retroactively justify the lack of medication, and to see if the rest is just a pipedream.

Wish my folks here offered any PGD, even polar body testing.

Wishing things were different.

hmm. That was interesting....(updated)

Hm.

So I just got off the phone with the very calm and personable Dr Schoolcraft of CCRM.
He did not blow sunshine up my skirt, but he was not doom or gloom either. I found him to be pleasant, professional, kind, and curious.

And the conversation? Well, it certainly was interesting.

Realizing that this is his educated opinion, not soothsayer-- he thinks my lack of egg retrieval on IVF#1 might have been due to mechanical/technical issues, not kate's-body-not-working. He thinks my pregnancy proves I make mature fertilizable eggs. And his suggestion? IVF, maybe triggered with both hCG and LH to make sure those eggs are accesible, and add genetic testing since, as he so eloquently said, time is of the essence and miscarriages take time. PGD will make sure that we don't use things that we know won't work and then we can get right back into the game the next cycle. Strange to talk of such emotionally charged issues in terms of efficiency but I get it. But time pressure, well, it is a big part of the story, isn't it? So is shielding myself from heartbreak.

So.

I asked, what of my 14 resting follicles? First, he said, follicle counts are subjective so there might have been an error. Second, between my last cycle and this one I was pregnant. Pregnancy makes hCG and hCG makes androgens in the ovaries that can help stimulate more follicular development. Result? Suggestion/consideration of DHEA priming for 2 months ahead of time (he considers it experimental and not a certain benefit)- BUT he cautioned me that DHEA is not to be taken when pregnant. So..... not sure about what to do about that, a 2 month vacation from TTC? Is he nuts? (kidding) (kind of) But I am not kidding about not understanding how that might work schedule wise considering the time pressure.

What about donor eggs?
He also said near the end of our conversation, that obviously DE offers the best chance of success, and it will be there for me when the time comes.

My initial inclination is to do what I need to do to get out there for an assessment since without that, nothing else can happen there. They are seeing if they can get me in this cycle (aka within this next 7 days)***UPDATE, NOPE***-- since I am unmedicated and therefore assessable. The scheduling person will call back to talk about whether they can sneak me in or not.
If I go, this does not mean I have to DO anything, but it does mean I will know what they would recommend and also, how much it would cost. The finance person will call me later to talk about the price of genetic testing so I can see if we can even consider it- if we can't then we can't and going to colorado may not be worthwhile at all.

About the possible IUIs (medicated)? He said, feel free to go ahead, since hey it worked, but the miscarriage risk side of things makes it potentially costly in oh-so-many-ways.

Oh, yes, I know.

Still hurt? Yup. Do I know what I'm doing? Nope. But I do know I am intrigued.

moon shot (updated)

I feel really weird not DOING anything this cycle. Yes, I am counting days. Yes, I am taking my temperature. Yes I will start testing for the elusive LH surge on day 9 or so. And yes we will, you know, do stuff. But, I was all geared up to be actively doing makeready stuff every day, injections, packing my little inject-in-the-parking-lot-or-bathroom kit, early morning bloodwork and ultrasounds and monitoring oh my!.... and it just feels weird to be doing this little, and every day I feel like I've forgotten to do something really important.

I have shitty anxiety dreams of many kinds, but a frequent theme is one in which I suddenly realize I never graduated from college (I did) because I simply stopped going to one of the classes, and it feels as if I had just simply forgotten to attend-- and there is this huge rush of panic/embarrassment-- ohmygodwhatcanIdoit'stoolate...

and I worry that somewhere around the 28th, when we are past the ovulation window, I'll realize that we missed it. That I missed it.

So there's this lunar orbiter that is supposed to launch wednesday, and the space shuttle might also be cleared to launch on wednesday after having its hydogen leak repaired, and they are juggling schedules and priorities since if the moon orbiter does not launch wednesday it has to wait two more weeks for things to realign....lucky lunar orbiter: only 2 weeks between moon shots. Down here on earth, it's twice as long when we're lucky.

***update
um, Elizabeth had a good point in her sweet comment, I forgot, I am doing something(s): weekly acupuncture, and vitamins, and eating well (no wheat, eggs, dairy, red meat, caffeine) and exercising (yoga, hiking) and... just not what I expected to be doing.

And you know that feeling I was having that I was forgetting something kinda important? Well, my big head thwacking remembering was this-- oh, right, CCRM phone appointment tomorrow (I had completely forgotten). I wrote myself a note (stress eats brains, I am convinced). I'll update after that, I promise. Stress, the final frontier.

back to nature

About donor eggs-- here's the real deal:

My first choice is to use my own raw materials for this procreative endeavor.

If money were no object, I would already be at CCRM most likely, trying like hell to make eggs on my own for however many cycles it takes -- we'd get pre-implantation genetic testing (PGD d for diagnostic? diabolically expensive? ) until we got something normal or proved that there is nothing normal left.

Considering my age, and being realistic for a moment about statistics, I absolutely know donor eggs is the way to go. BUT, there are two big buts on this one- but#1, it is friggin expensive, and I am not sure we can afford it ever, and we can certainly not afford it now. but#2, I am just not ready to consider it since I am still *quite* attached to trying to use my own materials.  I fully realize (and am mad about the fact) that I have a limited window for my own stuff, maybe the window is already closed. But my clinic and most clinics want you pregnant with your own stuff by 43 or they are done with that mode of inquiry.  I am 42 1/3. So, I will play this out until next february. And, by the way, if you asked me to express why I've got such a strong attachment to this idea you'd find me strangely inarticulate. I end up answering something like this: I just want to do it this way, I just do. And so does my darlin.

And we do not need to decide right now: Donor eggs do not have the same time limit as my own body--most clinics will work with you until you are 45, so I have a little tiny bit more leeway. And for me, it is not a race to get a baby as soon as possible no matter what, the race, the rush is because I want to use my own materials assuming I have anything good to work with and I am fully aware of running out of time.

Donor embryos is another option we've talked about and I think I even may have talked about it here- much more financially do-able, but much less "choice" about the who and the where-- embryos available for donation are made by folks like me-- older folks who have been having trouble conceiving, so all of the statistical benefits of using younger eggs from young donors are not usually carried over to donor embryos. And up here in NH, there is hardly a surfeit of embryos waiting for a home. Not that it is critical to anything, but there is also virtually no chance for our mix of ethnicities unless we go much farther afield. For example, one major group down in Tennessee is apparently just awesome for helping match donors to recipients, but requires certain criteria that we do not meet. 

We started to explore adoption-- like donor eggs it is very expensive-- but unlike donor eggs the cost can be spread out a little-- but the process-- gosh, it is not measured in two week waits, but in what feels like invasion and judgment and the process can take years and filled with waiting, hoping to be chosen, uncertainty and the potential for heartbreaks too.  We just are not ready to face that whole process yet either.

So for now, we are doing what is best for us.  Hate the statistics of chromosomal abnormalities for eggs as old as mine.  And hate how hard it is to just get and stay pregnant. But, for us

this is the right thing for right now.

what I'm thinking now about this cycle:

my body is clearly doing all it can do, a yeoman's job-- lots of follicles, my period came, E2 nicely suppressed, bbt chart acting normally-- so, I'd like to think it is possible we could succeed even without technological intervention. Why not? (shhhh, don't burst my bubble with ugly statistics, I know they are hideous).

So, in order not to go insane, I am trying to think of this as a fine option, a back to nature option, a ordinary people do it this way every day sort of option and I am trying like hell not to feel as if I am missing out on my one and only big follicle count.  And if this cycle works? Great. (Ok, more than great!!!) If not? I have meds for next month. Gosh darn.

Thwarted

Well, shit.

It turns out my hCG is only down to 8 and it needs to be below 5 to be allowed to start a medicated cycle. So, no. No medicated cycle this month. AND, the news I really did not expect, it needs to be below 5 before they will consent to doing even a non-medicated IUI. So at this point, looks like this month will be a natural cycle.

But optimistiKate says things might change.
I retest for hCG next wednesday and if it is below 5, the doc may reconsider doing an IUI. And if he says yes at that point, maybe I can also ask if we can trigger. I will know my level next Thursday. So I guess we're on to a 1ww of sorts.

And, some very good/bittersweet news: I had 14 resting follicles! Go body!
Followed quickly by a hearty: FUCKITY FUCK FUCK

CD1, but... (updated)

CD1 people, YAY everything is working! This is a Very Good Thing. (Ok, granted, being pregnant would have been better...)
So what is the but?

The but is this: I called up north to report the start of my cycle and...
there is no way, even if everything is perfect and I stim like a champ,
that they could convert this cycle to IVF since my timing puts me smack dab in the middle of the two weeks where they will not be doing procedures (they will still be doing IUIs). I hear you roaring, I do. I feel it too, I have roared this morning my self and said all sort of bad words-- but let's all remember a key point: I am in New Hampshire- not NY, not Boston, so while this sucks ass, this is not a big city clinic. So there you go.

So--given that this is the reality of my situation my options are:
--sit this one out, try the old fashioned way, and wait until next cycle (GAH)
--go on birth control pills (damn my prescient self) for three weeks to get into the queue for IVF potential
--go ahead with this month knowing at best it will be an IUI with no chance of upgrade and pray for a relatively small follicle count so they will not cancel due to too many (very very unlikely for me to make too many)


Here is what I am thinking: baseline ultrasound tomorrow-- see what the raw materials look like.
If just a few follicles, go ahead knowing IUI is the best possible outcome.
If many, cry and wail for the lost opportunity, and .... what? Not sure then. Since IVF is not an option here or anywhere else this cycle, so, um... shit?


So remember yesterday what I said about the plan vs reality? yeah, well.... here we go. But with the ways this whoooooooole process has been going, this was not entirely a surprise. What did I expect? Sudden smooth sailing? Not so fast kate kate.

I'll write about donor eggs maybe next time-- onwardandsideways had many really really great points in her passionate and thoughtful comment as someone who has been here, done this, and has also fought against the same ticking age bomb-- and I'd love to respond. But now? Must get back to work! Thanks for listening.
***

Flies, ointment
fucking hCG was only down to 9 yesterday in spite of my CD1 today, and it needs to be below 5 to be allowed to start medications. We'll retest tomorrow BUT if it is not below 5-- no go.

At that point, I guess a natural cycle it will be.
OR I could go on OCPs and do the 3 week thing to get in line for the IVF possibility...
Isn't this fun? I think so too. I love definitiveness (insert sarcasm here). It makes me feel all swooshy inside.

On a positive note, my amazing pharmacy (Ascend, they ship nationally) and my amazing nurse (Sharon), made my $7500 in medication cost $235 by making my insurance step up. Hurrah.
Hope I get to use it.

plan is just a four letter word

I totally agree with Grade A and IF Optimist in their kind and concerned comments on my last post-- to decide ahead of time what you are doing (IUI vs IVF) before you even know what you have to work with feels backwards. I agree- it does.

But
it seems somewhat realistic to plan for an IUI based on my lack of optimal response in two cycles
and it makes sense based on my so far consistently low number of antral follicles
and on our prior success with this very thing last time
...so in these ways it is not entirely crazy.

And one of the things it also does is take the pressure off of me to succeed/fail at IVF. I do not have to worry about the heartbreak of conversion and feeling like I failed. That really sucked.

And cynical/realistiKate says it also takes me out of the stats for the clinic -- If I am not a declared IVF cycle, then my probable IUI does not impact the stats as an IVF cancellation. And I asked, if I stim well I can possibly upgrade.

So, let's say I have 8 antral follicles like my first cycle, and let's say by some miracle I stim well and all 8 develop and maybe bring along some friends-- I asked, if I do well can I convert to an IVF? And the answer is Yes if the schedule allows. This is the other reality-- so much of this treatment stuff has to do with clinic schedule-- we take birth control for some of these cycles for two reasons-- to suppress but also to schedule, right? If I stim beautifully and we do not get to do IVF simply due to scheduling reasons, I will most definitely be bummed out/pissed off since I know it is our highest chance of success. So I can only hope that if this scenario happens, it will work out schedule-wise, and it will work out in every other way too.

In reality, I will know more at my baseline ultrasound-- my last one I had only 4 antral follicles and that was all that we ever had to work with that cycle, and one 6 week embryo and one empty sac said at least two of those resulted in eggs that fertilized and embryos that implanted. So I like thinking that could happen again (only better!).


So yes, I agree-- On the one hand, I do not like deciding which way we are going before we need to. But I also get why we are calling it this, and I also get that, with luck, if I do something amazing, we can call it something else.
Like, say, a baby.

Where does CCRM fall into this? My period is due any second-- seriously, I feel like a highly irritated water balloon with cramps and a headache and my temperature dropped precipitously this morning. And I want to move ahead NOW, I do not want to sit out a cycle. My talk with CCRM is not until next tuesday-- and if I get CD1 tomorrow, I may even be stimming by then. So, this is a cover-my-ass, hope-for-the-best cycle. I still absolutely want to know what they say and what they think, and if this cycle fails, we will take what they suggest into account as we look ahead as best we can emotionally/financially/logistically. Even if they say something inspiring, and we decide we can afford it, the next step is to schedule a one day workup in Colorado early in one of my next cycles. So this is about not waiting.

I welcome your opinions folks, I always do. This is the only IVF/fertilty clinic I've attended, and the only doc I have worked with, so my experience is limited. So please, feel free to share experiences, concerns and ideas. I am not offended at all since I know you are pulling for my success too.

One of the things I've learned so far on this IF journey is that a plan is just a plan-- reality may be (and so far, has always been) something entirely different. And who knows, maybe this will just work. Wouldn't that be cool?

booklove

Ok sweet people--Thank you!
Sarah, thank you! I have never heard of Unaccustomed Earth, and IF Optimist, I have never heard of The Eight. Melissa-- I loved Middlesex and Water for Elephants but have not read the others on your list (thank you for stopping by! Love your Happy news). Nic, I really enjoyed His Dark Materials and have not heard of the other trilogy, can't wait to check it out-- and EB, The Bone People is one of my favorite favorites ever but have not heard of Away... So I welcome your suggestions heartily and am very excited! Thank you all!

The universe gave me a gift today-- it delivered a copy of a daily pregnancy journal that I ordered back when it was relevant. I decided to look at it as a good sign. I decided it will be relevant again soon.

And the verdict is.....

... since I just do not stim well enough to make IVF a good option, we're on to IUI#5, with injectables... to start with my next period (break out the white slacks). Another max dose gonadtropin + antagon cycle which is fine- many less days of injections and no birth control pills. Subcutaneous injections (thankfully not intramuscular again), until the trigger.

5% chance of success, but hey, it worked once.

Hear me roar.

Colorado consult tuesday of next week-- and perhaps that will result in a plan B, and you know me, I am all about options. I am ready to get going, I just don't want to sit a cycle out if I don't have to.

PS: Thank you for your sweet comments and book suggestions! Please keep 'em coming, this summer is bound to be chock full of 2 week waits.

agnostiKate and the babyspirit

The wind is rustling the leaves today, a background shhhhhhhhhhh that is almost like water. And this morning's blue blue sky has given over to clouds. This is where I take solace, in slices of sky and the crazy green of cinnamon ferns unfurling in my back clearing, in the big moon rising last night, or as I hiked yesterday, noticing the blueberries have set fruit, and the crazy calliope song of the woodthrushes that makes my heart flutter that I listened to the entire hike. On the far hills that I can see from the top, I can see every single birch tree standing out against the green, each trunk bent and curved under the memory of the weight of last winter's ice storm. They will not straighten again. Once bent like that, bowed under sustained weight, they stay bowed.

Right now I am having a moment of stillness after fits and starts of non-linear activity. Moment by moment, the sun dapples through and is blanketed again by clouds. At the end of every hemlock branch, I see there is a light green cluster of needles, new growth. 

House has been cleaned and vacuumed and swiffered and the toilet has been scrubbed, laundry has been done and done and done, flowers transplanted, garden weeded and watered, trellis reinforced, mortgage refinanced, hills hiked, legs shaved, toenails painted and I still feel as if I need to DO something. I am rereading harry potter, from the beginning since book 6 (where I was in my previous re-read) was just too dark for my current tender mood. I needed escape, and something that will not make me cry.  And so far, this is working just fine. But it will only last so long: I am open to book suggestions. 

I am not manic, just trying to manage this time of in-between. I am about 5 days away from my period, most likely. I imagine it will come friday or saturday. I am no longer harboring fantasies of being pregnant this month by miracle or divine intervention.  My temperature rise has been too sustained. And ovulation was too early, before we were cleared for sex. 

But I look forward in some odd way to getting my period, and feeling as if things are working. Tomorrow we may know more about what's next.  Our RE appointment is at 10. I am already belly-flutteringly butt-tinglingly nervous, as if it is an interview for a job I need to get. My blood work this week showed the hCG falling but not fallen-- 21 is clearly not under 5. So I will re-do the bloodwork this week. I am not sure we can proceed until it is low enough, but maybe I'll get lucky. And still, and yet, I am not sure what the RE will agree to. He had said he was done. BUT as sweet Sarah from For the Flavor (now in her 20th week!) so sweetly pointed out, maybe he will be willing to try something after all since we did, in fact, conceive. And he agreed to meet with us. So, I am hopeful and scared. 

As for my heart, the low grade blueness has been pretty sustained. But during mediation during yoga this past thursday, I did a little visualization- put it out there to the universe that I am ready to connect with babyenergy, or whatevertheheckIshouldcallit, and I was looking waaaaay up, imagining looking up into the clouds and not really expecting anything, just being. And then I heard a snarky little "hello!  I'm right here!"  from right in front of me, from an arm's reach from my belly. And I felt like one of those times where someone is pointing at something excitedly and you look too far away at the horizon wondering what it is you're supposed to see and almost get hit by a bus.

And I was hit instead by quiet relief. And an odd kind of quiet peace-- and I asked questions, of course, because that is what I do-- and I got the answers, of yes, this will be hard but not as hard.  I also kind of felt another presence behind me, shyer, much less snarky/playful/inyourface... so I am not sure what it means or what it is or whatever, but, I do know this: I felt better. I feel better. And my blueness pretty much just vanished.

So, poor agnostiKate says this: I don't care what or why or if or whatever. I am not going to let my brain's desire to call it all complete bullshit undermine and erase it.  I just am glad I feel better. Ok little snarky spirit, we're on. Just please don't make it too hard.

still point

Apologies for not making a link in my previous post --EB, CCRM is Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, and they are known for working with troublesome older folks such as myself with great success at great cost. And sweet Maredsous, since I am in New Hampshire the initial consultation will be over the phone-- so rescheduling is as easy as changing which day I need to be by the phone and letting work know. (If it had been a plane ticket I would be crazed. Oh, wait, I am crazed. Need to find something else to blame....)

Since the Colorado option whateveritmaybe will take considerable planning and scheduling and will require more thinking depending on the suggestions they make for treatment considering my lack of response. It may simply be that we cannot afford it. And it may be that they say donor eggs or not at all, in which case I will wait and do more treatments locally if I can.
And, summertime is my darlin's busiest season, so that matters too.

In the interest of getting on with it, I've decided that whatever our doc will support us in doing, we will do-- and we will do it the next cycle he allows it. And I also realized that I am ok just asking for IUIs if he does not want to do IVF. I would ask for monitoring and triggering just to make the most of it, but he could say no to that too. In any case, I will take what I can get as soon as I can get it.

I hate not knowing really where the hell I am in my cycle. Hate it. Watching the BBT do it's thing, but why no LH? Not enough to darken a line worth mentioning at all this month. I started wayyyy early. And nothing. I do not think I would have such a nice BBT chart if I did not ovulate. And, if the chart is to be believed, we missed it. BUT I swear if I did not think it was impossible I would wonder if I am pregnant. Unfortunately pmsy stuff feels a lot (for me) like early pregnancy stuff... so my belly and guts feel weird, I feel weird, and am really tired and out of it.

I will get my hCG and prolactin levels today (**got them, hCG 21, prolactin 25**) most likely from yesterday's bloody blood draw. My last two have soaked through gauze, the one last week also soaked through two shirts in a very horror movie sort of way. After yesterday's I was more alert and kept my sleeve pulled up, and it only soaked through the wad of gauze.

So anyway, I assume my weirdness is PMS (but my heart wishes something else). I am eager for monday's meeting and also scared he will say he does not suggest/will not support treatment that includes my eggs. I am not ready to hear I am done in that way. And yes, I want to speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM, because I want to hear from someone who has a lot of experience treating folks like me.


Ok, yesterday I posted the "baby" opportunity card from my tarot. It makes different sense in context. So here's the challenge card:

the Builder
Structure, boundaries, foundation

You are being challenged to make decisions through intellectual reasoning, rather than your emotions or intuition. Ask yourself: "What am I building? Are the foundations of my life based on strong structures? Are my boundaries clear and well tended?" You are being challenged to take responsibility for a project where you have authority over others, and where your leadership skills can shine. What kind of a leader do you want to be? Do you lead by example or by dominating? Are you secure enough in your own abilities that you can share power with others? Do you take into account the longterm consequences of the decisions that you make?

And the resolution:

the Wheel
Cycles and seasons

Resolution comes with change. One part of a cycle is becoming another. What is passing away in your life right now, and what is coming into being? Where do you stand right now on the Wheel? Can you see that what is happening does not happen in isolation, but is part of a pattern? Sometimes the change that is coming is obvious and striking. More often, it creeps up on us when our attention has been elsewhere — the trees are suddenly bare and we didn't even notice when the first leaves began to fall. So this card also challenges us to be mindful. Keep track of the cycles of the sun and moon, which mirror our own inner cycles. If things seem chaotic and disorderly in your life, focus on the still point of the turning wheel. Remember that with prayer and the magic of sustained focus, all things are possible.

Ahh sweet inquiry....

opportunity

Just a quick post today-- late yesterday I asked Gaian for another tarot (my first since before the pregnancy), you know, just because I am exploring other ways at looking at things.
I asked about Baby-- did not know how to couch the question so it ended up being just that.
And while I will not share the whole thing here at the moment-- Death is the opportunity card. This time I read the whole thing.

Death
Dying and being born

You have the opportunity to become aware that while something in your life is dying, something else is nearing its time to be born. Take the time that you need to grieve for that which is dying, whether it is a cherished dream, a relationship or a belief system. Don't rush the process or deny all your turbulent feelings. Death isn't pretty; it hurts. It's painful. Whatever dies, is dead, and it will never return again in the same form. But just as the Dark Moon gives way to the New, and Winter gives way to Spring, Rebirth will surely follow Death. When you are ready to let go of grief, you will find yourself emptied out and clean, and ready for the next stage of your journey.

CCRM rescheduled for the 16th. We see the local RE on monday.

emotional exhaustion and the royal road

So, I went to counseling last night for the first time since the miscarriage. I have been finding solace in body-centered work these days, hiking, yoga, sleeping, making a lap for the cat... but talking? Not so much. It feels almost re-traumatizing. But last night I wanted to kind of get it all out, talk about what sucks and what is working. And try to gird my loins (indeed) for whatever is to come.

As a semi verbal person, I know I can bullshit myself with my talk talk talk talk talk about all that is or is not working and why, and I can sound all clever and insightful and like I am working on it, but it is bullshit. I rarely allow myself to feel it, to be with it, and then, to truly face and start to address or change it.

I told Connie, my sweet therapist, that I felt blue, and I started with the talk talk. Maybe it is the old grief, maybe it is the crazy hormones, or the lack of sleep or maybe

it is because this really, really, really sucks.

Ha. In that moment, I realized something I had not truly realized-- that of course I feel blue. There is nothing wrong with me that I do, it is a perfectly justifiable response to something that deeply and truly sucks. And I also reasserted to my stubborn self that feeling blue is not the same thing as being blue. It is something that I feel, it is not who I am.


Today I read about angel-voiced Susan Boyle being hospitalized for "emotional exhaustion" and thus began a quick internet search as to what the heck that is. Wikipedia has a good overview of what appears to be the job burnout interpretation, but I am interested in the concept more generally. What does it mean to be emotionally exhausted?

So-- I stumbled across this link which reframes depression as emotional exhaustion. It is from whence this little gem comes:

"Grief is a profound, painful, complex response to a major loss the loss of a loved one, of a relationship, of physical health or competence, of a life goal, of a community. Grief often involves powerful emotions, e.g., anger, sadness, forgiveness, hatred, confusion, moments of new clarity. These emotions can be contradictory and yet follow in swift succession. Despite rational inconsistencies, each emotion reflects a partial truth. Grief can shock and confuse us. We may have emotions that we did not know ourselves capable of and that may be in conflict with our values and self-identity.

Grief may frighten us because we cannot control the experiences and we may fear they will define us; for example, we might worry that once we begin crying, we will never stop. Grief confronts our deepest values. We must confront who we are now, and what is important in life now without this relationship, or that career, or life situation. We must confront our sense of meaning; what is the meaning or importance of life now? No one likes to go through this process and we may minimize or deny it. But blocking a genuine emotional need does not make it disappear. Furthermore the effort to avoid important emotions, such as grief, will result in psychological exhaustion. Grief, which can be resolved, is replaced by depression which cannot be directly resolved. Ironically, while grief often confronts us with our greatest psychological challenge, it holds the possibility of change and increased self-understanding. Grief can be a royal road to meaning and wisdom."

So, there. I remember last time I grieved so deeply, it took weeks and months to realize there were gifts in it. AND THERE ARE-- remember all those many days ago (a lifetime, say, like, 3 weeks or so) when I said next time I would revel? If that is not a gift, I am not sure what is.

I am intrigued as hell by the idea of shifting self definitions-- I face this all the time. I say to myself, I can't do that, I never... or I always... or I am.... and quite a while ago, I started to ask myself if this is still true? It may be, but maybe, just maybe it isn't. And wouldn't it be cool to see roads open up where there were none before?

Having changes things-- and so does losing. It can clarify and muddify, it can make stronger or break things into pieces too tiny to mend.... but the one thing I know for sure: it does not leave things as it found them.


So on this day, this one, I am trying to see myself for what I am and where I am, not what I wanted and what I lost. Trying to peel away the pile of shoulds that stick and sting like nettles. I am succeeding in 2 nanosecond increments but, you know? That is better than I expected.

rice-a-roni

I was writing to sweet Magsy of Grade A and realized that perhaps a big part of my pain here is that it feels like I dreamed it. I made it up. It never happened.

There was so much about getting pregnant that felt impossible, the odds, the conversion, the intensity of my sadness the day we did the hail mary, rice-a-roni (thank you for playing, here's your parting gift) IUI.

The positive test was pure joy, no question. I jumped up and down and squealed like a girl. Very unlike me.

But then, then there was my inability to believe it was actually true, that it was actually happening. Except for the exhaustion and my expanding waistline, it felt impossible. I just simply could not believe it. And then we saw the heartbeat. But in the interest of full disclosure, by then (the weekend prior) I felt I had lost the connection with the babyspirit (I do not know what else to call it), and that flicker on the screen, miraculous, wonderful, amazing, did not feel truly real either. It almost felt outside of me. (There, up on the screen, not here, inside of me right this very moment).

But then a few weeks passed and I tried so hard to be open to creating a different connection with the baby and I almost felt I was succeeding.
And I felt bigger. My body started to change in ways that others could see. I started to imagine this working anyway, even without my complete trust that it would. I counted the days until I would be done with the first trimester and could relax a little. I bought maternity pants. I imagined that little flicker. And then that day of the 9w scan when I expected to see everything was ok, and that it was me who was making worry out of nothing, that ultrasound, that flicker free 6w sac... oh yes, the miscarriage felt real. I felt such immense loss that it was only my previous experience with big grief that let me know I would survive it and not just disintegrate into a billion pieces.

But now, a mere 3+ weeks later, it feels impossible. Not the loss, but the having.

I am not saying this well.

I think this is part of my struggle-- having had something and losing it. But the hole is also from my lack of feeling that it was really happening. I feel like I missed it.

Today I re-read Dooce's post on her 2007 miscarriage.
And now I get it in a way I certainly did not at the time.

And then I read her uplifting and hopeful piece on her current pregnancy that made me feel like things are possible. In part she says:

"I think I've realized that most of the mechanics of this process are out of my control, and while I can ensure that I am physically and emotionally as healthy as I can be, a lot of this is left up to the mercy of nature. And I have experienced an almost overwhelming sense of freedom and calm in letting myself go to that notion."

Right after my miscarriage, my mom told me something a doctor had told her when she was carrying me and bleeding heavily (and she is pretty sure she lost a twin)-- she said her doctor told her that when this is going to work there is almost nothing you can reasonably do to mess it up, and when it isn't, there is nothing you can do to change that either.

Dooce seems to have plugged into the first point, and me? I have to make sure I somehow don't become paralyzed in fear of point #2.

Made the appointment with CCRM for a consult next week after our meeting with our RE.
Am wondering too about SIRM, anyone have experiences at any of their clinics? They seem to have a wide range of protocols they consider for folks like me.

I was sold on medicated IUIs, but having scared myself with shitty statistics and commentary about lack of success for folks my age, I am reevaluating.