suckitude

Yup, I need to confess this out loud and right here: this one, this negative, this one hurt more than many others have. Maybe not the other real IVF since that just felt so right. But while so many other negatives sucked, there were tears and then I moved forward. Maybe this one is so hard because of running out of time. Maybe it was the misleading twinges and cramping. Maybe it is the pre-tenderness of my bruised and battered heart. Or our lack of sufficient credit and time left to explore options... The feeling that time is whooshing by at breakneck speed.

Not being able to do anything but an unmedicated IUI this cycle is also hard-- it is always easier to have the distraction of a complex protocol. So I am temping again (Maddy, I don't bother temping when I am on progesterone support since it makes my temps nice and high and holds off my period, so I find it very misleading). I will take mucinex. We will test for the LH surge. I have asked for an IUI.

But, yeah. I got to dance with my old friend acute grief for a while and while it is nice to be led around so masterfully since I know so well how that goes, really? I am ready for something else.

I am trying very hard to not drown in this. I am succeeding except sometimes when a wave washes up and pulls me under. I almost feel like I am watching it happen.

But I'll be ok. Last night around 2 I woke up crampy (gosh this period has some major butt-kicking cramping), and the moon was far in the western sky, up behind some popcorn clouds, and it was so lovely. And in moments like those, I just feel the joy of it. And this part of me, this part of the katemosaic, this part is so good.

Thank you all for your wonderful and kind support and frustration on our behalf. It means so much to hear you roar and shake your heads and fists and feel this is unfair: Thank you.

Sending love to all of you out there in limbo right now (Jules, and Sassy, and Scifibaby) I am so sorry about the in-betweenness. I think that sucks extra.

negative

and yeah, I feel like shit.

december is off so next cycle won't be until january.

big sad kate. damn it.

gratitude

every day I try to pay attention to things I am grateful for. some days it is breathing. some days it is the miraculous love of a good man. or the tiny hairs on the tips of the cat's ears. or the way the rain sounds. or that I am clean and dry and warm and fed. sometimes it is the way the sheets feel perfect against my skin. or how the mug handle fits just so.

I peed on no sticks today, and for that I am grateful. I woke with big sharp cramping, the kind that comes and stays, not that ebbs and flows, breathless cramping. I have had this before, once or twice when I was pregnant, once for sure when I wasn't but was hoping I was, but I cannot help but think it means I am trying to keep or trying to get rid of something. I will know tomorrow I guess. I am not looking forward to the early morning long drive through and among and with the crazy shopping people to the lab. I am not looking forward to the time before the phone call, the phone ringing, or the way I will feel in those seconds before she tells me the results unless she yells POSITIVE as soon as I say hello. But it is what it is, I cannot will it to be different, otherwise I would have a baby on my lap right now. I realize that coming up on early december when I would have been due is weighing heavy and hard on my heart. But with all the maybes in the world, or whatifs, or could'ves, it wasn't. And really, the wasn't certainly wins here, eh?

So on this fine soft november day, I say thank you. Today l feel so grateful to all of you, to all of us, to all of this, to this technology even if it fails me, to the strength of will we all show in trying so damned hard, for fortitude and tenacity. I am grateful it sometimes works. And I am grateful I can even try. But to be honest, it would be damned cool if instead of trying and failing, this happened to work for me this time. I sure would be grateful for that too.

the middle way

In agonizing about doing the right thing about the testing, peeing, results or no results, and trying to figure out what the right thing was.. I realized there is no right thing for me at the moment. All options feel wonky.
the right thing is just to be pregnant.
this slow exposure of what is, the reveal, yeah... there is no right way to do this part... so

yes, I peed on a stick this morning (unambiguously negative) and called the clinic on the way to the lab to ask that they do not call me with results today. I will wait for friday's test. I am already feeling mighty sad and trying hard not to be consumed by it, so I will buy myself some time, some days to fill the way I want: with hope if I want, with possibility, with art, with reading, with good things and dear friends and loved ones.
I do not want to KNOW it is over. I need to keep some hope. So I will. Even if it is just for two more days.

So, why did I pee on a stick? Yeah, um, I guess this is why I call it the middle way. I told myself I did not want to accidentally defer joy-- if it were positive I would have said hell yeah! call me with the beautiful number! I just wanted it to be positive, that's all. And while that is all true, I also know it does not really answer in a way I wholly believe, so I guess I do not have a full open honest answer. Maybe it is just: Because I had to. I was there, it was there, our eyes met across the bathroom... yeah, I don't have a good answer.

So in spite of my compliKatedness and my heavy feeling of sad, today, I will try to remain open-hearted and hopeful. I will let myself feel the twinging and believe that it could mean something good. I will look forward to writing tonight, and wonderful companionship, and reading good books, and artmaking, and walking, and... I will let myself float for a few days.

For those of you who know my analytical side, this may seem unthinkable-- but I am beginning to believe what I already recognized, that some of this needs to be about feeling not thinking, and I want to feel ok.

If I get the now mostly expected negative on friday, at least the news will come a few days closer to beginning again. At most I imagine I'll have one more kate-egg IVF cycle before I turn 43 and the clinic stops IVF with me-- It may be december or january. but that's it. we only have the credit for one more IVF anyway.
They would then let us do some medicated IUI's but not many-- they'll do 6 total and we're halfway through those already.

I am needing to know what is next, while hoping that it is not necessary. But in the meantime, I will try like hell to let myself be ok, enjoy the soft fog, and the silly woolly ponies, and the donkey in the cattle pasture, and the bright berry colored leaf that I picked up on the way in, and the collection of pine cones I keep adding to, here on my crazy piled up desk...

Diversion

beautiful whales
intriguing Tarot (Click the images to view my most recent reading. Well now....)


experiencing the futility of peeing on a stick at 11dpo just because it is the last moment my darlin is in town for a few days (big ole stark white negative).


Babbling.
I am curious about the magnitude and obsessively circling self talk, I sound like a lunatic even to myself.
I don't know I don't know I don't know
it is too early i could still be pregnant
it was silly to pee on the stick however well intended
the cramping? probably just the colitis sneaking up on me
it is too early I could still be pregnant


But really?
it is too early.

I could still be pregnant.

I could be pregnant right this very moment.

fucking pee stick (notice my lack of culpability as if it is the pee stick's fault I have no rationality, no self control).

Ok then. So now what?
My life is about more than this. I am looking forward to a few reading days, writing days, art days... days with no TV while my darlin' is away. With luck I will write with beloved Tammy on wednesday. I am off work on thursday and friday so I have some time alone. There's a tofu pumpkin pie to make that is actually awesome and delicious (boy was I surprised!). And I have a nice weekend ahead filled with feasting down at my sister's. My mom, my grandma, my sister, her kids... 4 generations, how lucky am I??

but then I ask myself in a small voice, what if my period comes on saturday?
and I confessed to Doug that with 13% of my brain, I am starting to think about what's next. Ultrasound on monday for baseline cyst check?
can i say how much this sucks?

and my small but getting bigger evolving voice says

Ferchrissakes kate, feed the right wolf!
yeah, I say, yeah, says I, I'm trying. I just do not want to be eaten, that's all.

Lalala beluga

IF meditation

I had colitis today, horrible cramping sweating badness, I had not missed it. This is only the 7th event since January's radical diet change, of no gluten, no eggs, no dairy.

In the midst of the doubled over pain, of course all I could think of was the babies--

and so, today, a return to skepticism and worry. But each time I went to the skeptical place, I tried like hell to bring myself back to now- to the possibility of a positive outcome. Some sort of shitty IF meditation, bringing my thoughts back over and over and over.

I get my "preliminary" beta on wednesday-which will be a mere 12dpo, and I will pee on a stick first just because I will.

But I also know that with our one pregnancy, I did not have a positive pee stick until 13dpo. Not that any one cycle is anything like any other-- but... I guess I do not know the right thing so I am just trying to figure it out as I go. My darlin' will be away until friday, but that is the day of beta2.

They gave me the option to not know the preliminary results. But I do not think I can wait, no, I cannot wait to know until then, although, no matter what, I will be waiting for those results on friday for confirmation or a surprise positive, for reassurance.

Sweet Traci got a great ultrasound today-- 2 monsters looking good! WHOO HOO! and Illanare wrote a lovely piece on hope and could use an infusion of support. I hope to catch up with more of you tomorrow.

Between now and then, as my head roars and I find myself in the place of worry and emptiness and discouragement, I will bring myself back, again and again to the place of hope.

hopeful

Sorry for the sudden quiet- I'm ok- I was away unexpectedly, visiting my sister these past few days and arrived home tonight just after dark, with a crescent moon in the south, and a ribbon of gold on the western edge of the horizon.

I had some pinching and faint cramping for a while yesterday which made me feel hopeful, and some queasiness last night (?).... well, hm.. I lay very still hoping it would go and hoping it would stay-- I am not a queasy person. It went away and I slept.

But I am hopeful.

And I am scared because I am hopeful.

I am bone tired at 7pm, blame the early dark, easy thing to do as this time of year is hard for me- I crave sunlight and daylight and feel as if I just need to make it one more month until the solstice.

Two nights ago I lay in bed with my darlin and told him I did not think it had worked, did not think I was pregnant, and he said, which wolf are you feeding?

I laughed since that is my own internal line, not one I have heard spoken. But it was true, we both were. I did not think I was pregnant, but how can I know? I both wish I could know and am so grateful I cannot know yet- there is still time for positive possibility. And, as Doug said, I do not know that I am not pregnant, so why not believe that I am?

And now, after yesterday's sensations and today's craving for salsa and sudden exhaustion, I wonder.

story of the day from Story People

Here's the Story of the Day:

Proper Steps

I only do this until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & watch the clouds, she said. It sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget the second part. Copyright 2006, StoryPeople. Click here to send your own e-greeting from www.storypeople.com Amen.

feeding the wolf

So yesterday I promised myself I would try to stay calm in spite of being back at work, and I mostly succeeded.
And I promised myself I would focus on all that is good, and that includes allowing myself to feel hopeful that one or both of these little ones will be chromosomally normal and, if so, decide to stick around for the duration.

Such a heavy frost fell over night it looked like snow, but each blade of dried grass was frosted and sparkly. This is not a colorful season, but there is such beauty-- a big apple tree that sits in the middle of a tangled hillside is bare except for fist-sized yellow apples that hang like ornaments.
And the sun, when it hits the street signs, pulls steam upwards as water goes from ice to air.

I catch myself being worried or negative (over and over and over again), and then I gather myself together, move myself one inch toward the positive, open my eyes and really look around. I hope I can keep this up- it's an effort to be sure, but it is brings me back again and again to such a more peaceful place.

planting seeds

Seeds are planted at the dark of the new moon. And today is that day. The prime day for planting, and these next two weeks are prime weeks for growing as the moon grows. So, I am hopeful!

2 embryos, a 6 cell A- and a 5 cell C. All 5 retrieved were mature, 4 fertilized, but 2 fertilized abnormally (one with two sperm like last time, the other just listed as "abnormal").

For those of you into the details:

Bladder management sucked today, but I peed 4 times, small amounts, trying to get comfortable. I swear my bladder is the size of a thimble.

Started driving at 9, got there at 10:40 or so and they recognize us now so checking in means just saying good morning, peed, then peed again. Then peed as they took us back (oh how very difficult to pee small amounts!). Got a great hug from Deb our nurse from the last round, was taken into the room to state my name and intention and to meet the nurse in training, undressed and got the PIO shot. The shot sucks rocks, but compared to the bladder it was not awful. I do not envy anyone who does more than two of those injections a cycle, I've used up both sides. Friday's side is still sore. And then... waited. waited. waited for the doc. My lovely nurse went to scout him out and I got dressed and peed a dixie cup's worth again (bless the scheduling person for letting me use the staff bathroom, she understood my duress)- then back in the room-- sweet Sharon (my favorite nurse) came back with the nurse in training, some hair nets and face masks and the news that doc#1 was tied up and sweet doc#2 would do the transfer. BLESS HER. So, onward! Then things went in fast forward-- ultrasound tech came in, doc came in, embryologist, they positioned me, dropped the table bottom, verified who I am and all my numbers, gave me the embryo report (whew!), then the speculum went in while the US tech pushed so hard on my bladder I almost cried, but it all worked out and I heard more than usual about the process since the doc was telling the nurse in training what she was doing and why and it all went fine. The doc was great with the catheters and the US tech was great communicating with me, and then I got to see them, my two fireflies right exactly where they were meant to be. In the middle of the middle of me.

15 minutes later I peed! Whoo hoo! Best thing ever. Then I could concentrate on enjoying knowing the two little ones are inside me right this very moment.

So, with all the peeing, I bet you're wondering, ok Ms. Big Gulp, exactly how much did you drink? 1 normal sized bottle of water. Thimble I tell you....thimble.

Then, home via acupuncture while my sweetie went grocery shopping, so dinner is in the oven and will smell great soon Moroccan chicken somethingorother that smells divine....

My wonderful observation of the day? As we drove through the most beautiful landscape, I saw dark clusters at the tops of a lot of the piney trees--and after many miles and straining my eyes and guessing (birds? no..), I finally realized they are pinecones! Still up top, clustered into knots in just the highest branches. The bottom branches are already bare of them.

And,

I am reading this magnificent book that I started this morning- Pema Chodron's Taking the Leap. The first chapter includes a discussion of how in any moment, we have tendencies toward anger/fear and tendencies toward love/acceptance. A father tells his son this in a parable with two wolves, two wolves that live inside us. The son asks his father which one will win, and the father answers, whichever I feed.

Today, I will feed the wolf of love and acceptance. You know why. That is the wolf that needs to win.

wolves

1db3dt

1 day before three day transfer and I am sitting here in a state of high vibration. I'd call it butterflies but that is not sufficient, it feels too tectonic. I am scared people.

Each time the phone rang today, my heart leapt into my throat, and I panicked. As I told Jules in a comment, I did not realize how I was thinking of my embryos, but each time the phone rang I worried something might have gone wrong with our babies.

Babies.

Oh sweet kate, there is a friggin long road between embryo and baby.

Yeah, I know. But this was my instinctive immediate response. Not my rational thoughtful educated response.

I am scared about what, it not working, being hideously uncomfortable during the transfer, losing sphincter control (thank you gassy progesterone suppositories with oily discharge! Gotta Luv Ya!)

I did not hike today- still crampy and uncomfortable from the retrieval which is weird, so I realized that while my mind needed a hike more than maybe most anything, my body needed to be more peaceful.

So, we did errands and I cleaned (not aerobic) and sorted and did laundry and threw out a bunch of expired mysteries from the closet in the bathroom.

And now, I am tired and on the sofa, watching football, eating leftovers and it is just 7:30. how the heck will I make it to tomorrow. to 9 when we leave. to 11 when I arrive with a bladder filing just so, to 11:30 when my two are gently put back where they should be.

It is the oddest thing ever having them there, and me here. I never expected it before I experienced it. I did a better job realizing it this time since last time was so acute.

So, t-16h and I am talking myself up, trying to stay hopeful. But scared howls at the door.

2>0

I am very happy and relieved! we have two embryos!

I am also very sad and disappointed and felt my heart fall.. dang, I thought, we only have two? What the fuck? What happens if something goes wrong between now and monday?? What if they arrest and we have nothing?

ahhh the thrill of catastophizing. I could get an hononary degree in that.... awareness of all that can go wrong.

I am trying like hell to let happy win and having a hard time.

the rain is probably not helping my heavy mood.

and these drugs, holy crap folks, these are not my usual and should we need to do this again, I will ask for a return to the previous cocktail, pina colada, and not this friggin scorpion bowl of doom. I am more with it than yesterday but feel so heavy and tired. This part is much harder than last time. Much much harder.

I am going to go see my mom this afternoon for some good maternal triage. She does not know the details but knows I am in the midst of a cycle. But she is wonderful company and I am so lucky to have such a great relationship with each of my parents. I do not take it for granted.

Monday, 11:30 is the transfer and hope to hell I hear nothing from them between now and then unless it is something miraculous and good.

So, recognizing that my life needs to be more than survival and IF, yesterday I received an invitation from the magical Jen Lee to join a story telling retreat in late February in NYC. In spite of all of my insecurities, I impulsively trusted my instinct, said yes and signed up for the last spot. This is a very good thing for me, brave and all that. I will no doubt panic about it as it comes closer but right now? How great to have something out there in the future that will be so good for me if I let it.

And today? rain is falling on the roof and blowing against the eastern windows, a bluejay is taunting the cat from the crabapple tree, and the lichen is crazy green on the tree trunks. I left the seed heads of the cone flower and the horsemint and the brown eyed susans standing in the front garden, and they are black and lovely, tall skeletal sculptures. And the heap of catmint is still green but beaten down and bitter.

I moved the big pot of parsley to the stoop to guard it from frost. And I realize how lucky we are that this is rain and not snow and ice, it could be so easily. And I am trying to soak up the sound of it falling on the roof. Snow is silent unless it is blowing or shot through with sleet, so this sound, this one, this is a sound I will not hear again until spring.

Ok people, we have 2. Two wonderful beginnings.

A shout out to Jules for her great fert report today! Fingers crossed for a great outcome for all of us.

5>0

5 eggs retrieved! Which, I may add, is nicely and definitely more than zero (which I had feared).

They tried 3 IVs before they got one in right, the nurse was great, but my veins? not so much. But good lord the drugs this time have left me noodled and foggy for much much longer than ever before. I feel like a newt.

It is dark out and I feel like my day folded, morning into night with very little in between.

I came home, took tylenol, and went to bed. I slept on and off all afternoon, finally dragging myself to a semi upright position around 4:30. But I would not call myself competent, that's for sure. No heavy machinery for me.

Tomorrow morning we will know if any were mature, how many fertilized, and I am scared and hopeful and yeah, I admit scared is winning.

I'll update once I know more tomorrow. The good news? I am pretty sure I will sleep like a rock.

Thank you all for your incredibly kind words on my blog-anniversary. I still cannot believe I am here.

Anniversary

Today is my 1 year blog anniversary which I cannot quite believe.

This year has been full of celebrations and frustrations and sadness and a year of new connections and friendships, of love and support. I do not know where I would be without all of you.

My sister Sarah is the true cause of the ruckus since she is the one who suggested I start this blog when my "last" (HA, if only) IUI failed and I was on the road to IVF that December and January.

I felt so strange starting a blog, there are so many great blogs already out there, heck, I'd read a little pregnant and here be hippogriffs for years... what would I possibly have to say that is new? And then I realized that the very fact of writing provided some relief from the loneliness of this whole shitty thing since I could write whatever I wanted or needed to. If felt better to just to put it out there, send it out into the ether. And then, I joined cyclesista and found my posse! Folks who understood what I was going through since they were going through it too. Mo and Sprogblogger and Maredsous and Magsy and Elle and April and Sarah and t, and the next month Joannah and Megan and What If...the EB and Barefoot.... and musicmakermomma... I found others of you from blog lists, and others of you found me too.
And oh! The first time I had a commenter! Someone I did not know! (B was my first not-previously-known-to-me commenter and such a sweet comment too! ) And I had no idea how wonderful that would feel, it was so incredibly affirming.

I cannot express how important it has been for me to find all of you. Thank you!

This has been one hell of a year. It has been a year where I have poured hope into cycle after cycle, and tasted brief, magical, magnificent success with our pregnancy, and then lost something so precious when it ended, and was (and will always be) heartbroken. I am trying, we are trying, we are hopeful, but we are bruised by the trying and failing over and over. So I am trying to begin to transition to accepting the idea that this road may end soon, and trying to have faith that another will begin.

Thank you so much for coming along with me on this crazy journey. I am so damn sorry for our common struggle, but am so grateful to have you all here.

And I wish beyond wishing that all our wishes come true.

it's a go

Trigger tonight at 9 (holy shit)
Retrieval friday morning (FRIDAY THE 13th BABY! BRING IT ON!), 7:30 check in (FINGERS CROSSED there are actually eggs in there like last time)
Transfer (if all goes well, please please please) on monday.

So-- we're on!
for those of you following along at home, my E2 today was 2252 and I have about 4-5 follicles that look likely/possible, actual numbers and sizes are in the car scribbled on a scrap of paper (I will update these posts someday with real numbers for posterity).

Me? Scared.
Hopeful.
Extra scared since I am hopeful.
Holy shit, we're actually doing this thing.

Letting the big one go

So. I go back up tomorrow morning to look again. We are letting the lead follicle (already 19mm) go in hopes of bringing some of the smaller ones along for an IVF. My E2 is at 1796 and the follicle sizes are all in the car on the back of a scrap piece of paper, but there are just enough "possible" to warrant continuing stims and antagon, and we'll just have to wait and see.

I am over the moon for Traci of If Optimist for her fabulous ultrasound confirmation of her 2 7w monsters, and for Sprogblogger for finally getting her dang period so she can get on with this DE cycle and motherhood thankyouverymuch.

And Happy Birthdays to my sweet Alyssa and to Sprogblogger, and to Sesame Street... 2 of the 3 are 40 today I think.

And
thanks to all of you for pulling for me this cycle. I turned the corner from sad and blue to actually laughing today over the absurdity of it all-- this is such silliness really, how much I want to control this! and oh, how little I can actually do anything about.. a good reminder I suppose. I am along for this ride, I'm not really driving.
Maybe we'll know more tomorrow, maybe not.
Trying to stay flexible. But oh, how I am wishing for sleep.

possibly but probably not-update

Just a quick update, well, what can I say?
I am right on the cusp of the IUI vs IVF cutoff, so we'll rescan tomorrow- I have tons (for me) of follicles on the right side but but but they are small, so probably only the top 4 (2 from the left, and 2 from the right) will be even potentially mature. They are confident about 2. We are thinking I will trigger tomorrow night for whatever fun we'll have on thursday, but really? It is looking like IUI since my lead follicle is already at 17 (17,15,13, 13 and maybe 6 more under 10)--- E2 1498.... this decision may be out of my hands.
So, if IUI, I will try to be positive, since it is, after all, how I got pregnant. So it is possible, it can work...

but shit. I hate being on the fence, not being sure what we'll be able to do. And I just want to optimize our chances of success. But hey now, at least I have follicles! And my E2 from saturday indicates they are not decoys... so I will try to focus on being happy about that.

It is the most beautiful crazy warm breezy day here and I want to be home in the hammock after taking a long (orange vested) hike. Alas, work.

**update** we'll see how things are tomorrow but Dr. M is encouraged by my E2 and we may try to push things off one more day to see if we can get more on board. I am happy with this.
I may know more tomorrow.

my crazies

ohhh these hormones have me by the proverbial balz this time around.
I am a happykate in my natural state, this? this part of my cycle is all sad and questioning and raw.
BUT I know what it is this time, so this time I am not thinking it is me. And this is such a relief.

Woke up raw and horrid, so I hiked a beautiful hike under an unbelievable blue sky, and felt pretty good until I met up with a guy with a shot gun, oh yeah, hunting season, how shitty... then worked in the yard with my darlin' in a bright orange vest, then met up with my dear friend David for tea and conversation and a walk with sunshine on my face. It was fun to see the trees stripped down to fruit and seed-- so many beautiful textures, crabapples, ornamental oak leaves, seed pods....

Tomorrow I head up north for an 8:30 appointment, so I have to be up at 6 or before. Somewhere in there I will do the injections-- at this point I am hoping I will be there early enough to do it there instead of en route. Morning is two vials of menopur and one follistim, so there is mixing. And now there is my Ganirelix syringe swap too. I will take their advice most likely, but if there are more than 4 I will try for IVF I think-- here is why: I have not been able to stim two months in a row since I have had leftover cysts each time... so it is one month on, one month off... and this month is November, so December would be off, and then there could be a cycle in January and that would be my last IVF at Dartmouth-- February I turn 43. So this month? I should do everything I can.. simply because I will only have this cycle and maybe just one more before my birthday.

BUT this will turn out however it does.

And in the meantime, just like in those old innocent days when I thought I was insane but it was the clomid, this time I know I feel like shit because of the hormones. So I know this is not a good time to make big changes or begin to question my choices. Now is a good time to coast and stay peaceful and as separate as possible from the crazies.

Those? over there? wreaking havoc with the clothes rack? yeah, those are mine, they're my crazies....yeah, you know what can I do? they're at THAT age...

4

So the ultrasound showed I have four follicles that are developing and above 10mm, one perhaps too quickly (one already 14mm, others at 12, 11, 10, up to 6 much smaller ones) so I started Ganirelix today. No E2 level yet- they will call later I am sure (759).

I go back on monday for a redo-

If the lead continues to lead-- well, then we'll do an IUI for sure.

But if the others come along too and I have 4, I meet the criterial for an IVF... but I wonder- should I spend the money on that procedure with so few to work with? Or just do an IUI and hope for more next time? Lots of competing issues on this one. So, I will wait and see what monday brings and make the best decision I can at the time.

So, I hate the Ganirelix shots, those horrible needles are so dull, and the shots just simply hurt for me-- so I decided to sacrifice some of my other syringes and needles (I have plenty)--- dispensed it into a syringe with the plunger pulled down, put on my usual injecting needle and voila! A painless Ganirelix shot, I am sure I never thought I would say that.

of course, now I worry, did I fuck something up by exposing it to air instead of directly to my belly fat? Ahhhhhhh sure do love this whole damn thing.

I am sitting in my orange room (no kidding, it is orange) with big windows and light streaming in. I just got home a short while ago and feel the conflict of housework vs yardwork. Inside or out. Sunlight exposes my lax housekeeping for the past month (ewww) and the fact that the cat does indeed continue to shed. But the sunlight is calling me out. I think I will let it win for at least a little while. Out I go.

My 10 seconds today? Sunlight in woods, amber colored oak leaves the size of my hands placed end to end, and soon? the rustling sound of leaves being raked and the smell of the earth.

partially un-eclipsed

Better today in some ways, I feel halfway out of that shitty place, partially un-eclipsed, half bounced. But gosh, I am raw, nerve-exposed, quick to blue... Gotta LOVE these hormones. Oh yeah.
I feel hijacked, I was heading for St. Croix (I WISH) and ended up in Hoboken.

So-- in trying to stay (or get) centered-- my most recent 10 seconds of beauty was watching the shadows of the leaves flicker on the wall here, through the vertical blinds. The sun was just right, reflected off of the windshields in the parking lot (romantic, eh?) and inside near me on the wall, the shadows danced. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was delightful.

The trees right outside the office are still in leaf, gorgeous burgundy and raspberry shiny leaves, and each branch seemed to change on its own time so some are bare, some are brilliant and some are just turning.

Tomorrow morning I get an ultrasound/E2. I feel *full*, especially on the right side, so I am hoping that this is going well, but not too fast. This is only day 4 and I am not used to feeling like this. Hello right ovary! I am looking forward to feeling hopeful. Beloved Maredsous is right, I must have some faith in this otherwise why do it? And she is right, I believe it *can* work. And because it can and might, I have to try. I'll update after tomorrow's appointment.

I'm a bumble

So, I am standing in the restaurant bathroom and my eyes meet my eyes in the mirror and I am standing with my shirt pulled up and my pants pulled down and a pinch of fat between my fingers and a syringe in my hand I cannot really say I recognize that person, it seems so surreal. And yet....

And yet, here I go again. Can I confess something? This time feels a bit like "whatever"-- inevitability tinged with futility, must do it, just to have done it, managing my future regret.

I sure as hell hope that by some miracle, on saturday when we look for follicle growth, that there'll be lots and they'll be happy looking and that somehow I will turn the corner from this semi-defeatist attitude toward something more positive. It is not that I am devoid of hope, it is just that this feels so distant and I have to dig down to get to hope, and it is kind of yellowed and curling at the corners.

I imagine that I will be fine, maybe even tomorrow, I will wake up to frost sparkling and somehow be reattached to rightnow in a way that feels better. I know attitude matters, but shit.

I feel crappy about feeling crappy, know it will pass (it always does), remind myself of the mindfuck that is DHEA, of the sub conscious impact of the sore belly, of the clock watching, of the awareness in most moments of what comes next, which shots, what time, which appointment, when.... it is consuming.

Yeah, that kind of mood.

But, no worries! Tomorrow I will wake up fine. I know it. I do that. I bounce.

the short of it

I am happy to report that we're on for this cycle, there was no cyst (praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is), and stims (my usual antagon protocol) started tonight. I had only 9 resting follicles but that is a whole lot better than none. And it sure is better than one big cyst.

An acupuncture session this evening left me edgy and off center and pms-ish (anyone else had this happen?) but I am a little more settled now. Wishing for a much longer evening, but it is time for bed.

Since last I checked in with my long blog list, babies have been born, pregnancies begun, and life just moves so quickly. I am sorry I have been so intermittent in my checking in.

I found I was coming home from work and losing myself in the internet-- reading and catching up and commenting and blog hopping, and then suddenly it was time for bed and I did not feel that I had really been here,had not really been present or connecting with my sweetie. So I am trying to do this in smaller bites. While I do check on some of my posse daily when I can, my blog list is long and filled with wonderful people, but I just cannot keep up the way I was.

So, please forgive me, I certainly care and hope and celebrate, but I may stumble across your news after the fact. I am trying to find balance in all of this, but I admit: I am still looking for it.

cusps

Hello everyone.

I'll begin with the latest great news about my baby cousin- she is home and well and miraculous. How extraordinary, this ordinariness.

I am reading a Book-- Night Train to Lisbon-- all about identity, how we define ourselves, and what defines us. If you are not at midlife I am not sure I would recommend this one. And if you are content, do not open it. It rakes coals and will fuck with your sleep and equilibrium. David, read it at your own risk.

I saw a great documentary that I loved-- any one out there interested in indie/offbeat music, the documentary was on pbs and called Nowhere Now about the joshua tree music scene- amazing music and a peek into a wild vast rugged landscape and some intense creativity...

I've had a few big conversations, the kind that change things, that make you wonder and question and you cannot go back and unhave them. Some have been with people I have known a long while, some with near strangers, some have been shitty, some have been great. All of them Matter...

My trip went well in California that reminded me of pieces of myself I like and have missed for a long time, and I had a great visit with my dad in snowcovered Colorado under such a big wide sky.

Now I am home and bleary with travel and time changes and sudden dark and leafless trees. The moon is huge and high tonight, spooky behind high clouds and fingery bare branches.

And me? My day 2 scan is tomorrow, cyst to be aspirated if it is still there. And then we simply move forward with this new cycle and hope.