hopeful

Sorry for the sudden quiet- I'm ok- I was away unexpectedly, visiting my sister these past few days and arrived home tonight just after dark, with a crescent moon in the south, and a ribbon of gold on the western edge of the horizon.

I had some pinching and faint cramping for a while yesterday which made me feel hopeful, and some queasiness last night (?).... well, hm.. I lay very still hoping it would go and hoping it would stay-- I am not a queasy person. It went away and I slept.

But I am hopeful.

And I am scared because I am hopeful.

I am bone tired at 7pm, blame the early dark, easy thing to do as this time of year is hard for me- I crave sunlight and daylight and feel as if I just need to make it one more month until the solstice.

Two nights ago I lay in bed with my darlin and told him I did not think it had worked, did not think I was pregnant, and he said, which wolf are you feeding?

I laughed since that is my own internal line, not one I have heard spoken. But it was true, we both were. I did not think I was pregnant, but how can I know? I both wish I could know and am so grateful I cannot know yet- there is still time for positive possibility. And, as Doug said, I do not know that I am not pregnant, so why not believe that I am?

And now, after yesterday's sensations and today's craving for salsa and sudden exhaustion, I wonder.