near midnight babble

Ok, it is late, and I admit, I am kinda afraid of lying down after last night's pain.

noticed a bite missing from my last post. a <> where i said I was not sure that facing the stress and unknown of boston would be something worth doing just for the stated intention of IVF. the drive, the bigger clinic, the whole rigamarole.

I finally got to read up and catch up with my posse, lordy ladies there sure are a lot of great pregnancies happening out there, sometimes with surprise twins. And shit for Mad Hatter's negative today, I was hoping she'd get lucky this cycle.

I spoke with my darlin' tonight for a while on the phone. He really and truly thought I was pregnant and was completely surprised by my negatives today. I know, there is a super remote chance still, but really? I just don't think so. So tomorrow, 14dpo, 14dpIUI, I just want to have a second line, or a dropping temperature so I can get on with the next thing.

Ok, the cat is insisting it is time for bed. I am going to take a preemptive tylenol and try.

13dpo, dangnabbit

Um no.
Nothing. Nada. Rien.

A night of the kind of intense uterine cramps that came and stayed and were so intense they made me want to barf (not on one side only, smack dab in the central zone)-- I finally got up at 4am to get a tylenol and peed on the stick, certain CERTAIN that with all that drama internally that it must mean something good. Alas no. So, in spite of the drama the stick says doodoodoo
thanks for playing.

These night cramps are just like the ones I had during my pregnancy. Just like. And unlike period cramps. They are badbadbad at night, worse after I pee.
But during the day? almost gone.
I'm feeling only vaguely crampy today--


Gah. I'll see what my temp does tomorrow.


This time, I don't really have a plan. I had a plan-ette-- my coordinating nurse said CD1? call, we'll do the baseline stuff day 2 or 3 and if all is well I can cycle again. If not, if there are leftover issues from this cycle (big ole ovaries), the cycle would be skipped.

I had a fantasy about getting the baseline stuff done for boston this time around, but you know what? I want to be able to do IVF<>

I am hopeful my next cycle at Dartmouth will be a good one, a MONITORED one, one in which good, higher chance-of-success options may be able to be played out, say, like, IVF for example.

It is 13dpo, so I know this is kind of winding down. Sprog's late positive gives me hope still. But this? This SUCKS. Statistically? not unexpected.
tell that to my heart. and crampy uterus. whatthefuck.

Last day training today, hope to surface and reconnect with you all soon.
Thanks for being so amazing with me.

12dpo

you folks are awesome, thank you for the sweet kindness, the cheerleading, the support. I know you know about all of this shite, this hopefulness, the desolation of a negative test, the trying again, ad again.
I am so sorry I am behind in my comments and visits. I promise I'll stop by soon.

me? Another neg pee stick this morning with first morning urine, but on a positive note, I had cramps last night that were enough to wake me more than once and I do not get pre-period cramping ever... and the spider angioma on the tip of my nose that showed up and got big last pregnancy, and finally disappeared afterwards is back and big enough to see... so I am still cautiously hopeful. But this is friggin hard so I probably will not test again until tomorrow. It just sucks to see the one line looking so stark and certain.

A diversion to share:
baby beluga cam

I am teaching today and tomorrow
taking the customer out to dinner tonight
so diversions abound.
and later? Laundry, remaking the bed, a hot date with horatio, my stuffed elephant, and Harry Potter (book 6).

am I cool or what?

not yet

negative (pristine cannot even make it up negative)

so far.

I'll test until I get my period so, let the games begin.

one line? sucks ass. but you all know that better than anyone(s) out there.

Last time? 11dpo was negative, I tested again 13dpo and got the faint positive so I know it is still possible, but gosh darn, I was hoping that somehow this part might be easier this time, yeah right.

one stick at a time.

thanks for the sweet support everyone.

11dpo, tonight

I will not be testing until tonight, and right now I wish I could say I was calm or at least resolute. But really, very much unlike this serene image whose link was lovingly sent to me by Magsy at GradeA, I am much more like the worlds largest ball of rubberbands.

But with at least some parts of me, this is the serenity I quest for and hope someday to allow:

Image used with permission by the very generous Corinna: www.corinnaluyken.com , http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5111922

I am teaching all day so will not check in until tonight, you know, for the post-first-pee-stick-post.

Hope I don't spontaneously combust before then.

10dpo

I am all fragile crapitude
skinned raw emotional knees, throat-choked, heavy arms and heavy hearted... feeling bruised.
5$ says it is pms
but, as I recall, to my surprise I did feel like this when I was pregnant, so maybe......

hopeful and sad and fragile and
gosh darn

a cramp like distant thunder and I thought MAYBE????

OY this stuff is NOT for the faint of heart.

9dpo

Hey there.
so, I forgot the singular joy of frontal progesterone usage: bubbly pee.

I'll test wednesday night and not before.
No, I mean it. Really. I just don't believe I am pregnant, so I feel a little preemptively blue and oddly self protective. Those pee sticks are not calling my name yet. I guess I don't have much need to see more negatives than I need to.

Don't get me wrong, I can pretend-- say my sudden onset hydrophobia is pregnancy not rabies, I can say my evening belly yuckiness is pregnancy not stress, my tiredness yesterday may be pregnancy instead of a day where I could let down my guard with nothing planned, I can say my lack of interest in food is pregnancy not upset belly, and then my desire to graze on potato chips and fruit is pregnancy not just my own special weirdness, but really? I bet they are just what they are-- odd little things with no connection to what I am hoping.

No twinges, no secondary temp rise, no crampy awareness, no markedly sore breasts.
Just me.

Since it is an ongoing issue, I just wrote a whole barfing tirade about work unhappiness and then erased it. The bottom line is this: I wish I were in an economic situation where I could quit and still keep my house. My work feeds me in some ways, but drains me in too many others. Oh how I wish it were different.

So, it is monday- happy monday everyone!
Hope it is beautiful where you are, even if it is in the way the fluorescent lights refect off your coffee.
Breathing in light
Breathing out peace
All will be well

8dpo

I decided I should stop counting, stop the incessant babble of 8 days 8 days 8 days.

But I am not sure I can.

When to test? Unlike other clinics, mine does not offer a beta for an IUI unless I get a positive test.

So, I can test, or not,

I could just wait for my temp to drop (will it on progesterone?)

or my period to come (ditto last question)

since there is nothing worse than starting the day with a surprising temp drop, I will probably test even though I am totally skeptical.

But when?

My one positive was not until day 12 (would be thursday). So I know I should wait that long. But can I? (history says it is doubtful).

My darlin' is not home the end of the week-- thurs-saturday. So... by the time he is back I will already know something. But I hate testing alone, it feels lonely I guess. I'll test with him on wednesday if not before.

Symptoms? Not really.

I hate water again. I did last time.

I stopped the DHEA which has made me feel much less sore breast-wise. Bummer and not, you know. I know you know.

I had to move the, um, region of progesterone suppository insertion from back to front since the GI insanity was just that, insane. All day, every day, gurgling madness followed by many mad rushes to the bathroom expecting calamity and other embarrassing issues. I am giving that part of my anatomy a few days off and I already feel better. All it takes is a lot of vaseline as a barrier for my other easily irritable tissues (the reason I made the switch in the first place) and very frequent panty shield changes (isn't this fun? really? such nice intimate details, so so so sorry).

For the geeks amongst us (we know who we are)-- here's a cool site with implantation information--clicking on the little <3> in the text takes you to another page with a cool timeline summary that I found very appealing.

And remember my friend Kate of the Yes, No, Maybe rollercoaster of the past week? She wrote to let me know she miscarried yesterday. Good god why does it have to be so hard. Losses suck, but she had what amounts to two in one week-- the first time she heard it was over from the dropping hCG levels, and then the actual loss after the amazing and miraculous ultrasound with heartbeat. What immense fortitude is needed to make it through that, and she is strong and resilient but oh, gosh darn, my heart breaks and I am all the way over here.

And our dear Michele is on bedrest at the hospital now, inverted and holding those precious babies for at least 3 more weeks please, then 3 more after that, and then 3 more.... makes my two week wait bitching look frivolous at best.

And me? frivolous bitching with a sleepy cat knotted up at my feet, and sunshine dappling in when the clouds let it, and rain that comes and goes, wind that tosses the leaves, and a small brown bird that sat on my railing for a long long time, tucked in its long legs and settled in as if it belonged.

6dpo-kate gets the crazies

In Which Kate Gets the Crazies (again)

Close by the big wood, kate is lying in bed at 5am willing her body to send her some clue, any clue that something is happening in there that is good and right and the stuff of babymaking.

She wills her body to send a twinge, a pinch, a cramp a SOMETHING, an ANYTHING, but, alas, the only thing there is is NOTHING.

6dpo, the window for implantation is now open.
Please please please
twinge for me baby. twinge so I can imagine this might work.

5dpo, and a whole lot of ah has

Today my heart is soaring for the self same Kate as yesterday's heartbreak. A freak required ultrasound at her MFM consultation yesterday showed a perfectly on time 6w1d little one plus heartbeat after a falling beta.
WTF?!?!?

As if somehow this ride was not hard enough, add a liberal dose of uncertainty and craziness and magic and whoa!

I hardly know what to do with my emotions about all of that. But I do want to kick her doctor in the shin. I am trying not to rant and rail but I can see it from here, I really can.

OK then,
me?
my hair is falling out courtesy of the DHEA which I have decided to decrease until the weekend and then stop until my period. I *feel* it is the right thing even though I *know* it is ok. If I have a little one brewing I just do not want to take a chance.
So, I will go with my gut on this one.
Huh, going with my gut.
Yeah.

And, great writing/editing last night. This current project is a novella or maybe it isn't. I had a place I wanted to submit it that has a minimum page requirement of 150-- so I have been trying to get it to be 150 pages instead of letting it be what it is.
A few weeks back I had an ah ha, and am letting it be/become whatever it is or needs to be. What a relief! Editing is much easier, taking out the crap is easier (I am not thinking I am farther from my goal now, instead I am making it better)-- change the goal, change my life.
Um
yeah

so, today, (admittedly after getting permission, I am not yet that evolved) I threw out some stuff that belonged to a guy I tried to date briefly and badly (he was not gentle with my heart)-- I flung it into a dumpster with a Ta Da! feeling as if I had unburdened my self in some necessary way, I fenged my shui.

So that felt like progress in every way possible. Letting go of feeling responsible for someone else's crap.

Um
yeah!

So. Ok universe. I am able to change and let go and hang on tightly and do what I think is right. Please, I may not always be decisive and may always be muddled and whatiffy, but I am ready for this, and I am open to this, and I welcome this.

Today my cell clusters are checking out the view from the back porch on a nice little bungalow that has a magnolia tree in the back yard, and a tangle of honeysuckle vines. Please, please, please decide to stay.

4dpo, really, check my ticker

Thank you all for your support and great ideas for diversions. I promise, much of the time I am tangled in work and don't have time to sit and watch my navel as I would do otherwise, and tonight I will be tangled in writing and time with a dear friend until late. Time passes, just oddly and not in ways that feel easy.

Today my heart is breaking for another Kate-- she had a surprise pregnancy after a late first trimester loss and was awash in all the tentative hope and fear that rushes up to the surface, and yesterday she learned she is facing a pending miscarriage.

When a pregnancy is lost, or when a fucking digital test gives a false positive I feel crazy sad. Grief wells and I hear my self say no no no no no. As if I was thwarted in my hopefulness. Gosh I hate this stuff.

When one of us succeeds, my heart soars-- I absolutely totally bliss out and feel that all is just and right, I feel hopeful we will all get there someday.

But once pregnancy occurs, our particular sorority tends to live ultrasound to ultrasound, who is to blame us??? What can we trust? how do we believe this could actually work out for us, after all we know, after all we have experienced, after all of our losses (expectations, identity, and sometimes hope)...Lisa is having her first ultrasound right this very moment and I am SO HOPEFUL all will be well, but I am scared for her too- I know how scared I would be if I were the one waiting and hoping and searching that screen for signs that all is well. I know that I would tack on the line "so far", in my head and heart even if all looked as it should. I hate that IF has stolen from us our ability to just be happy. To just be hopeful. To just assume everything will work out. Statistics say yes, but our lives? Our experiences? They say differently, and it is hard to look past our own traumas to see that success truly is possible.

Wishing it were easier, and, once established, wishing pregnancies just worked. What if 2 lines meant a healthy baby. That would be the coolest thing ever.

4dpo. My cell clusters? They're checking out the playgrounds and off street parking and ice cream parlors and daycare centers.... It is funny, I have complete faith in fertilization, but everything that comes after? Not so much.

3dpo, um, again

Why can I not count?

Saturday was IUI day, = 0dpo.
Sunday, 1dpo
Monday, 2dpo.
See? I can do it now......I realized this morning with a big ole headslapping Doh!
Wishful hopeful Crazy was trying to rush time.
In my defense, I thought yesterday was Tuesday for much of the day,
but alas, I was wrong.

How embarrassing. I did this last time too-- counted IUI day as day 1.

So today is 3dpo. Really. This time I mean it.

I am ready to feel something even though my little clusters of cells are probably just emerging from their fallopian tube slow motion thrill ride and will spend a few more days checking out the possible neighborhoods before choosing a place to settle in.

Progesterone side effects in full swing, more tired than yesterday, breasts still sore, belly/guts still bizarre (you can probably hear the gurgling madness from where you're sitting, sounds like I am trying to communicate with whales). Same old same old.

hoping hoping hoping and
feeling cynical/skeptical/doubtful/certain it will not work

ahh the sweet multiplicity of IF.

3dpo

I had forgotten the progesterone gifts of instant fatigue and blueness. I have had sore breasts all this cycle for some reason, so that is not a sign I can count on for anything. Not just sore, but, touch them and die sore.

So, I am watching and waiting for something different, something something, but it is just day 3, and I know I will not know anything for days yet.
I need to be patient. Hold off my wondering until I get closer to the weekend. Take the week off from wondering, have a little holiday, go shopping, have fun.

Um no.
I realize that very little of this is ruled by the rational mind. Sometimes I wish Rational would rush in, all noble, and kick Crazy's ass. But then, Crazy believes in hope where Rational believes in statistics. With this in mind (or out of my mind) I am hoping like crazy that Crazy will win.

nice Os

Today's IUI was fine- pinchy/crampy as hell due to my corkscrew cervix and "tight os". Um, thanks!?

But, really, it was fine.

My darlin' made me laugh hard while we waited beforehand, and overall, I have to say the event felt lighthearted which was odd. Last time, I was in tears, and felt like a failure, knowing the IUI was just a consolation prize. This time, in spite of the shit of this cycle, it just felt like the thing we needed to do.

We were both up early-- I spent the night up there in a hotel, my darlin' was down here at camp-- our appointment was at 8am so we met up at the hospital. So after we both made our long way back home, we slept. We did not just sleep, we slept for 3 hours. I woke up crampy which I have decided to take as a good sign. Then I fed the kids.

And now?

the two week wait.

0dpo.

I invite you to come on over to the haiku site. Please submit, don't worry about them sucking or whatever, just send 'em in. I post drivel there all the time. All it is is a little diversion and sometimes a little diversion is just the thing.

better late than never

The typist I met last night is my age, and has two teenage daughters-- one about to graduate from high school.
And that really struck me. As if I am trying to get on a train that has already left the station.

I feel out of sync I guess, with my energy level, with societal expectations, with my ovaries...
I still feel very young, the wondrous Brene Brown of Ordinary Courage talks about age dismorphic disorder. Oh yeah. I have that. I got old without realizing it.

Facebook is not my friend. It shows me photos of people I went to school with who are now middle aged. And that must mean.....
NO, I refuse to believe it.


I did not grow up thinking I would have kids or be partnered or get married. To be clear: I did not think I would but I didn't think I wouldn't. It just was not something I thought about one way or the other. I was not someone with a life plan, someone with a clear idea of "when I grow up I'll..."

When I was married, the person I was married to did not want to have children ever. Abuse and alcoholism ran in his family through the men, and, in his thinking (perhaps quite correctly), he was just not going to pass that on.

Then there was a moment the spring of our last year when I thought I might be pregnant. Totally improbable in every way, nearly impossible but not quite. I barfed two nights in a row (and I am not a barfer)-- and I told him I thought I might be pregnant. He absolutely freaked out, flipped out, was thunderstruck and horrified and worried and angry and all things bad.

But me?
In the midst of that storm that would normally have flattened me,
I realized I was wonderstruck.

And while that pregnancy was not one or it was a very short one, I had brushed up against the wonder of possibility. I remember thinking-- what if I am? If I am, I cannot stay with this person who is so clearly wholeheartedly ferociously against it, but I WILL have this baby.

I was 36. It was 6 years ago this past April.

Folks who have known me a long time said they never thought I wanted to have kids-- and I think that is the rub, I did not Want or Not Want... I was open to either outcome by default by not having a plan or expectation one way or the other. My life has been so far from linear, so far from predictably anything, so-very-non-textbook.

But in that moment all those years ago now when I thought I might be pregnant-- that changed everything.

So, what took so long?
Life.
First, a long time of grief.

Then the slow act of healing and the slow dawning realization that the person I was then dating was never going to want to have kids with me and the heartbreaking choice of staying and not having that chance, or leaving and letting my life open to the possibility.

Then I decided to face this alone as a single mother by choice--I met with my RE to talk about insemination, met with the donor sperm coordinator, did all of the pre-work of psychologist and physicals... I did searches for sperm donors, imagined asking my friends....got completely overwhelmed and wished so much just for a random button, a sperm-esque gumball machine. How the hell do I choose such a thing??
and I summarily screeched to a halt.

Then, through some incredible luck I met my darlin'. As I dumped my baggage on the ground during our first date I told him what I was planning, that I was planning to try to do this on my own, that I was not out shopping for a donor-date, and he was kind and understanding and somehow still interested in me.
And somewhere in there I realized that he was amazing.
So I decided to give it a year. See how we were together. He is so clearly someone who compliments me. He will be such a great dad. So I went back on the pill (HAHAHA oh that makes me laugh now)
And so, a year later, we moved in together and I went off the pill and we started this ride.

Now some of you out there have led lives of certainty-- have known from your first moments that this is what you wanted and needed to feel complete.
I envy you that certainty.

But my life has not been like that. I have found myself here as unexpectedly as I would have found myself anywhere.

So here I am, nearly 42 and a half, trying to have a child with someone I love, and watching folks in my age bracket send their kids off to college.

Crazy? Maybe. And maybe nearly impossible.
But this is something I want. That part is certain. Better late than never.

brain barf

Last stim shot of this cycle this morning, trigger tonight with a 2cc butt shot.
And
then
tomorrow, a shot-free day!

I am still frustrated about the things-that-shall-not-be-mentioned that happened (or not) this cycle but will be mulled over obsessively (not really obsessively, just often. and over and over. and often. heh.)
but
I am also trying to keep my wits about me, trying to keep positive, keep thinking this could work, it has worked, it might work, it would be great if it did work...

progesterone support will be suppositories that I will use in the same way as last cycle, which is to say not vaginally. my skin cannot take it. so that will be fun. ok, maybe not fun per se, but at least a diversion.

and
well
I am very aware of my ovaries, especially my right one.
I had a peach for breakfast, a juicy peach. a peachy peach. a real-in-season peach.
and
tonight I meet with a typist to see if I can get 6 years of writing from my notebooks onto the computer. this feels huge since it has been one of those useful roadblocks I had made for myself, yes well, I still have to type it in.... well, not really, not if someone else can read my horrid scrawl, and if I can unhook emotionally from the vulnerable place of having someone read my raw brain barf (sort of like this post)... anyway, the very fact of this meeting feels like progress.

lalala, I'm ok, really, I am,
I'm just babbling.

So happy about Sprogblogger's lovely, affirming, perfectly perfect 7w ultrasound I am teary.
And MeInsideOut's blissfully dark dark dark second line (after some bleeding and a real scare).

I am ready too. I really am.

the plan

Ok,
having talked myself down from the place of whatthefuckness,
here's the plan:

stim tonight and tomorrow morning then
IM trigger tomorrow night
for an IUI saturday morning

my E2 was 1303
official follicle count from nurse's summary notes (including just the ones of note):
R 17,15,14
L 13,11,10....and others

so by saturday they hope for 4 big juicy ones.

I'm relieved as hell I did not ovulate.
I'm frustrated as hell about not catching this cycle in time to possibly use those other follicles in some way that would increase my chances of success (say, IVF).
And I am hopeful as hell since the barely 5% chance of success IUI worked last time.
Through some miracle maybe it will work again.

And if not, there's always next time.

horse in barn

so, um, what to say?
CD10, stim day 8...
Apparently I have not yet ovulated (which is great!) but temp is up more today (which is confusing! I do not have erratic temps generally.)

The ultrasound showed that I have a fine crop-o-follicles, seriously, they are lovely, but
while the left ones are plentiful, they are small (I think I saw 12,11,10,10 and several others under 10)
the right ones are few but much bigger (I think I saw 17,17,15)
bigger enough, in fact, to make it TOO LATE FOR ANTAGON
so
FUCK.
no chance to recruit the left ones and now we just play this out with the three from the right.

From what the kind nurses said, this means no IVF conversion.
Maybe trigger friday for an IUI this weekend
or natural ovulation before then
But my lining too thin (5.7mm) for anything right now
so here's hoping we'll eke a few more endometrial plumping days out of this.


For those of you asking the REALLY OBVIOUS QUESTION-- why did they wait a whole week to check me? well, last time I was a slow responder on this protocol, and I guess they felt we had time. We didn't. Next time they'll check sooner.

I think it is fair to say I am aggravated (I am not a pissy person otherwise I would probably be ballistic). As my sister said, I do not have time for their learning curve. And it's true. It feels shitty. But it is what it is.

They'll call later with E2 and a plan...I'll post again then.
Cynicalkate says: well, at least it is a relatively short cycle so I can get on to the next cycle sooner. And that thought? That thought makes me sad too.
Ok universe, prove me wrong. I'll be gracious.

partially sunny with a chance of ovulation **updated

So my temperature was up .5 degrees this morning...
EWish cervical mucus yesterday (I was thinking YAY for the stim-stimulated cervical mucus)
now, with this unfortunate temperature rise I am thinking: early ovulation? for the love of all that is holy, WTF?

IUI or
IVF or
maybe neither. Waiting to hear back from my super coordinating nurse, but feeling very skeptical.

THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS
I know it, I remember, sometimes I even see it or feel it or taste it
but this really is consuming, this crazy attention to biochemical minutiae. And oh, the powerlessness of it. I am a bystander-- things are just happening. I cannot impact the outcome.

You know how some colleges and universities give credit for life experience? We'd all have honorary WTF IF PhDs.

***
Update: talked with Sharon, and yes, as she said, the horse may be out of the barn but if so, we'll know tomorrow. And no, you're not crazy it is possible. And if you've ovulated, we will know better what to do next cycle. And she said so sweetly "you are doing everything you possibly can to make this work, kate". Which I think was just about exactly what I needed to hear. So here's to an unexpected night of making the best of it just in case and a god awful early morning tomorrow to get there for the appointment (and shots in a parking lot somewhere). Maybe I ovulated, maybe I haven't. And I'll let you all know what happens. Wishing for an easy button. But also? Honestly? Vaguely amused. Amused a little for believing for one moment that anything about any of this would go in a textbook way for me...um, maybe or maybe not so much.

ch ch ch chia

I am so excited for Lisa at Meinsideout I can hardly stand it. If you have not already done so, please go wish her well. She's gotten a positive EPT pretty early after a interminable clomid IUI cycle, and could use some cheerleading-- things are so early and scary and amazingly great and scary and.... well, you all know the drill.

And Kate at twoweekwait is wonderfully pregnant after loss as well.... a complete surprise in the midst of waiting (and waiting and waiting) for her period to come. Dealing with having and losing, fear and hope, and finding some sort of peace in this moment-- gosh darn.

***

I am not sure what to say about this cycle so far.
Marking time between now and Wednesday morning's monitoring session. I've been amusing myself with fears of early ovulation (it was day 12 last month)-- and stuff like that. Injections happening as they need to. I get all weirded out at the droplet of medication that leaves the syringe attached to the mixing needle's base. As if somehow that might have been the thing to make a difference. Yes, I have the IF crazies. Where worry takes on delightful new dimensions and fixations and manifestations.

DHEA makes the hair grow on my chin almost fast enough to watch. And the acne. Well now. Isn't this fun? Flashbacks to the 1980's.
But hey, at least I know it is "working" (Dr. O down in BostonIVF said side effects are a good sign)--so, while shitty in some ways, at least I know my body is taking it in and doing something with it. Maybe I'll soon sound like Demi Moore. Wouldn't that be cool. As long as I am not bald. I do not have a good head shape for that.

Last night's dreams combined monsters inc, harry potter and IVF needles. Yay for the visiting nephews.

I really am not sure where I am in this at this moment. A little off, a little sleep deprived, a little oddly disassociated, a little lonely (this part of the cycle is all about me me me)-- I am not sure.... I wish I could say I am psyched up and rearing to go! But this feels more like low level pragmatism laced with low level skepticism.

I was cleaning out some old clothes, and then pulling out some blankets for my guests and came across the mailing bags of some maternity clothes I ordered back when it was relevant. When they came the week of the miscarriage, I asked my darlin to just put them in the closet and I stupidly thought he put them in the other one. So I was blindsided by coming across them, had my emotional guard down I guess. It hit me hard. Knowing in that moment that maybe I would never get to wear them.

Gosh. I try not to count time of would have beens and anniversaries of sad things but sometimes they count themselves.
this week it's been 10 weeks since my miscarriage
and
next week I would have been at week 20. A halfway point. My heard aches from simply not being able to imagine it.

I hope that Wednesday makes me feel that this might be possible.

my ordinary life

it is bizarre how crazy things end up feeling ordinary.

it somehow becomes ordinary to lie back and have a person stick a wand up your hoohoo and
it is somehow ordinary to happily exclaim when you see the dark voids that mean follicles in the strange foreign visual language that is ultrasound.

it is ordinary to mix drugs on the kitchen island, pinch a swatch of belly fat and push a needle in with stinging fluids to make follicles grow, it is ordinary to do this in the aforementioned kitchen, in bathrooms at your own house, in a dunkin donuts, in the library, or just in the car in some parking lot somewhere at the appropriate time.
is ordinary to schedule around it, to realize you'll have to leave yoga class early to do this
or you'll do this and then go grocery shopping

it is ordinary to field strip the syringe, to take your handful of empty vials and throw them away in a container that includes used dental floss, and kleenex, and hair from the drain. the boxes and inserts and plastic trays go into the recycling bin with restoration hardware and landsend and athleta and jjill. it is ordinary to have a recycling bag more full of follistim boxes than of junkmail.

it is ordinary to lie in bed hoping that this will do what it needs to, to hope for feelings of fullness, some sign that something is happening.

it is ordinary to count the follicles along with the ultrasound tech,
assess the plushiness of your own uterine lining,
learn the language of follicle size and count and E2 levels and
it is ordinary to weigh the pros and cons of suppositories versus injections for progesterone support, to weight the pros and cons of heat versus ice, of standing versus lying down

it is ordinary to hope they will poke through the wall of your vagina and suck out eggs and magically make embryos happen in a special little dish and put them back in with a bendy straw made just for things like this
and it is ordinary to speak in code and shorthand of stim and trigger and ER and ET and dpt, and hCG and

it is ordinary to swing from hopefulness to hopelessness and back as you troll the internet for certainty, for statistics that fall in your favor, for the secret to success, the way to get rich quick, lose 100 pounds in 100 days eating chocolate, get pregnant over 40, over 41, over 42...


and then you ask yourself, what is this life I am leading where this is ordinary?

I started this journey with naive absolutes, no injections, no IVF, with many nos that have all morphed into maybes and yeses as other things failed.

Last night I started stims again, and looked at myself in the mirror over the sink, my shirt pulled up, pants down, roll of belly pinched and the needle in and I saw this person, this competent looking hopeful person, doing things I said I would never do.
I'm ok though, I am. It is just the oddest thing ever, this slippery slope of hopefulness, of maybe this time or this protocol or this cycle or these eggs or this lucky roll of the dice...
just
one
more
time
and maybe it will work.

So I hope and swab and stick and pray. Good old ordinary hope... without it, where would we be?

CD2, back in the stirrups again

Ok -- first, my apologies for not keeping up with blogs lately. I always attend to my initial posse first when I finally have time-- but there are so many other good blogs too!
Must.keep.list.short.
But, seriously now, there are some great blogs on my frequent read list that I wish I could visit more often. And I am so sorry when I miss your big news, or an opportunity to show support. I swear, I think about you all more often than you hear from me.

Speaking of my posse, Sprogblogger had a great ultrasound with heartbeat today, miracles, magic, wonder, delight. And Mo! Who'da thunk it? A great ultrasound too-- all as it should be. My heart is bigger for these two and their sweeties.

And me? The light pants worked. Yesterday was quite a definitive CD1 (cycle day 1), my period definitely arrived.
CynicalKate got her comeuppance this morning as I dreaded the ultrasound at the satellite site, where I have had crappy wandmistresses in the past. Today I had a goddess, kind, gentle, informative, interactive... gosh it was nice. Or, um, as nice as it can be, if you know what I'm saying. I had hideous cramps and was bleeding so that part was not so fun.

Results just came in-- 7 follicles on the right, 3 on the left, E2<10,>
Protocol for those of you who are interested:
AM: 150 menopur, 75 follistim (these are the go! go! drugs that hope to stimulate as many of these follicles as possible into growing and producing nice fat ripe eggs all at the same time)
PM: 75 menopur, 150 follistim
(max dose for my clinic)
another scan/E2 in a week up at the mothership
and then ganirelix as needed to suppress (dad, this is the wait, wait drug that keeps me from ovulating all on my own)

Knowing I am starting with 10 follicles makes me feel pretty good. But, with this protocol, I am pretty sure one will get in the lead though, just like last time. But hey, last time I got pregnant, so I'm game.

Oh, and I started the DHEA on Monday-- anyone else have weird gastrointestinal oddness as a result of using this stuff? I am praying it does not catalyze an IBS flare, that would suck. But I see the potential.

So, IUI#5 w/inj, officially underway. IVF is a possibility if things work out, I already asked to make sure the schedule would allow it. And yes, if I have to do IUI instead of IVF I will be disappointed again since there is such a better chance with IVF. This is a 5% vs 15% difference in chances, so I really would like to get an IVF cycle in. But I am trying really hard to keep my mind open to the possibility of either.

I'll write more about what I am feeling in another post-- for now, I feel pragmatic. Let's just do this thing.

the sisterhood of the magical white pants

Yeah so... damn.

My temp is down two days now, and spotting continues.

Oh how I wanted to catch a break-- somehow have this work the easy way, the back-to-nature way, the way without injections and suppositories.

So yeah, I am feeling a little low- but eager to get on with it, get on with the next thing, the baseline scan, the injection plan. Meds await in a bin in the maybe's room.

I am pretty sure my period will start for real any moment. I am wearing light colored pants, so I figure it will happen, say, right in the middle of one of my meetings today.

A nice shout out over at Lost and Found for the Haiku blog has created a little more traffic over there and has been a great diversion.

But you know-- through the poems and my blog reading-- god it is hard to stay or be resilient.

I hate the crap that this process makes us feel about ourselves, as if we are broken, or killers, or inhospitable, or a million other self-blaming things. This part makes me perhaps the most sad.

I get it though, I do. After the last negative pee stick of the cycle, I heard myself apologizing to my sweetie, as if somehow this is my fault, my doing. As if this is my negative. It might be. Heck, it probably is. But it might (might) also be something else. But I feel as if I am to blame.

Gosh I wish we could swear at the stars so easily.

So much of this is about rolling the dice and see where they fall.

So today? Ok period, bring it on.

Let's get this cycle going.

Resilient or insane? Who's to say. I choose resilient.

I'm ready to roll again. Maybe this time I'll win.

13dpo

Facing my addiction:

these past few days I was away, and I left all pee sticks home and went cold turkey. It was nice to take a break from it, the crazy hopeful obsessive: How about now? No? how about now? desperately wanting to see that second line.

To be honest, I have none of those fabulously curious sensations at all in my uterus anymore, no twinges, pulls, cramps. No sore breasts. A little more than normal kate fatigue. But I have felt oddly vaguely queasy the past few nights and today a few times including gagging on my toothbrush. And queasy is not my thing. So I was hopeful in spite of the lack of mid section sensation.

but tonight

at the end of my evening hike, I discovered I was spotting just a little.

enough to feel my heart sink.

enough to feel this cycle is over.

13dpo (days past ovulation, also known as a day or two before my period)

this is the day where I got my surprise positive last time.

maybe I will be surprised again.

my darlin' works tonight so here's the deal:

I will do the pee stick thing when we talk tonight so I will share the news with him as it happens.

if it's negative, really negative,

here's hoping CD1(also known as my period, cycle day 1) comes quickly and definitively so I can move forward.

***

It's negative, not for lack of trying.

rain

It is raining.
still
For variety, it rains different kinds of rain. Soft rain. Hard rain. Crazy ass pouring rain. It thunders. It whispers. It falls. It fogs. It hammers down. It is dark right now, nighttime dark. And I am craving light like a junkie.

The new IF Haiku site is fun stuff, come and play. I'd be happy to post stuff anonymously. Be silly. Be serious. It simply does not matter. The first one I wrote I did not realize was naughty until later. Steal the button on the right if you want. I think it is fun to not get all tied up in making this too serious or stressful- and for that few minutes you are counting syllables, you are not watching the clock. And, of course, it is fun (twisted?) to think about combining creativity and pee sticks.
And yeah, pee sticks.


Today is 10dpo.

image courtesy of fertilityfriend

diversion

A new blog for us:

IF Haiku

Come play.

vicarious

If you want a little more evidence that good things can happen--

go see Mo and Will for some totally unexpected magic. Methinks Mo could use a little extra love in spite of the good. I imagine her emotional knees are pretty raw.

Thundery here

grumbling thunder that rolls in and out and brings more rain.

My house is tucked in so that thunder moves around in what feels like circles, a trick of echos, sound rebounding off this hill and that. So it is like thunder in surround sound.

I've got an upset belly this morning (guts not belly per se-- not morning sickness just yuck), and am starting slow. Tired tired. Much to blame it on in the outside world. Too scared to begin to blame it on the inside.

No symptoms other than peeing and twinging. 

So I imagine I am imagining things.

Last night as I was driving home past the cattle field that also houses one big dark brown donkey, I realized that I had better get at least some part of me ready for a negative and be ready to move forward. Since next week (!) I will be at CD1 and will be doing all the baseline testing by midweek and starting stims for the IUI/stim cycle with Dartmouth. I am not good with truth I don't like. I am an avoider. But in this I know I need to at least get my act together, have part of my brain ready to move forward in that direction.

But gosh darn, I am so hopeful, but also so not wanting to be crushed. But I know it is likely I will be. Again, I would not trade the hopeful for protection against the crush. But still it is hard to know it is probably coming.

 

So hope is hope.

And if that does not work, there's a plan.

But, as always

a plan is just a plan, and things often do go wrong or go in unexpected directions.

but sometimes, in spite of everything, they go just right.

Grooving on Sprog's news, on Bella's, on Dawn's, on Mo's.