Boston

I got up in the dark and drove into the sunrise, it was so lovely and still and clear today. I saw two coyotes crossing the ice on a lake, their bodies low and their gait exact--

the sun was bright orangey red and blessedly, the traffic was really light. And I got there early.

Today's appointment was so interesting-- the Waltham office of BostonIVF is tucked into a weird road in an unexpected place, and just about as different from the Boston office as possible-- it is clean and new and pretty-- a very nice receptionist with a great smile, a talented phlebotomist (8 vials? 9? good lord), then a very nice but very very pokyjammy wand lady- my one big beef? no second screen for me during the ultrasound. what the hell. Not good. Not good at all. Hated that. I want to see, to assess, to critique. Alas.

But I waited not one second, was early, did not even sit down, was whisked in there and was out in about 20 minutes. The whole thing was dreamy and weird, been somewhere else, done this, but not here, not with you.

Funny to be at a fertility clinic rather than an OB/GYN office, in this case, the only reason any of us are there is fertility, no guessing, knowing. So your eyes skim over the other folks, heads are low, so are voices. I made a point of looking at and smiling at people. This sucks enough already to have to feel alone in the midst of folks in the same struggle.

For my next trick I do a sonohystogram the day after I get back (cd11), down at the boston office (boo), then meet with doctor O on the 11th for the consult with my darlin too. The testing covered everything for all options that include my body, so, we'll see. The results will be interesting I am sure. I expect the donor egg route will be suggested if not required, he said I'd be a great candidate when last we met. I hope I will be.

It is odd to go from 0 to 60 like this. Waiting then... whammo-- appointments and tests and go there and do this and... yeah. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm tired, but I am also curious about what will come next. I am tired of feeling sort of victimized by this process. And tired of feeling so beaten down by our serial failures. I am ready for two lines, a growing belly, a baby, a person. So, 2010, bring it on.

I will be away starting waaaaay early friday morning through next wednesday night, so if there is long quiet here, no worries. Just imagine me bundled up sitting by the ocean listening to the waves, practicing being present. And sprogblogger, just because I am away does not mean I will not be pulling for you in every second. I'm just sayin'. And Maddy? feel free to buck the odds and do this the old fashioned way. I would be so thrilled for you.

Just in case I do not post tomorrow, I am wishing you all a very very happy and safe new year.

staying vertical

Sending this magical piece onward since it is too precious to hold

from the magical and wickedly talented Maya Stein via the magical Jen Lemen.

how to climb a mountain
by Maya Stein

Make no mistake. This will be an exercise in staying vertical.
Yes, there will be a view, later, a wide swath of open sky,
but in the meantime: tree and stone. If you’re lucky, a hawk will coast overhead, scanning the forest floor. If you’re lucky, a set of wildflowers will keep you cheerful. Mostly, though, a steady sweat, your heart fluttering indelicately, a solid ache perforating your calves. This is called work, what you will come to know, eventually and simply, as movement, as all the evidence you need to make your way. Forget where you were. That story is no longer true. Level your gaze to the trail you’re on, and even the dark won’t stop you.

Tomorrow morning, 8:30, day 3 bloodwork and US down in Boston. And just like that, the next chapter begins.

Gratitude and love

Oh yes EB, you are so right, and thank you for the gentle reminder-- so many many good things Have happened this year. I met most of you- and have enjoyed such an amazing community of women mostly with the occasional manperson, and such amazing understanding and warmth and love and support and kindness and an occasional thoughtful and kindhearted kick in the ass.

So many of my lovelies are pregnant or will be soon (SPROGBLOGGER) and so many had such beautiful babies this year.

If we go by my blog list alone, out of maybe 50, 30 have gotten pregnant, stayed pregnant and have had babies or are darn near about to. I have on my list triplets, 7 sets of twins at least, and bunches of singletons. GREAT statistics ladies! Some have gotten derailed by life, or health, or both... others are like me, waiting and hoping and trying with various bits and pieces.

See? there really is so much to celebrate. I celebrate all of you, and our tenacity and resilience and hope. I celebrate passion and friendship and love in all the various ways it shows itself.

I even honor fear for trying so hard to keep us safe.

So yeah, while this year was not all sunshine and daisies, it sure has held a lot of love. And for that I am profoundly grateful.

I was going to write about fear and stumbling and identity (still, again, forever). I will wait. And I will wait perhaps until the new year to ask for your help with finding my true calling and a new way to make a living that does not eat my life force for breakfast. But not today.

Today,

thank you.

and thank you 2009. I learned more this year than I ever would have imagined, and endured more than I thought I could. I also felt the amazing astonishment of pregnancy and saw two lines on that crazy pee stick and a magical heartbeat. Nothing can take away that experience and that awe and wonder. And there was so much beauty. There always is. It is just so hard to remember to look.

My 10 seconds today:

this, you, thank you. I am totally present with gratitude and you all make my heart bigger.

played

my period is late

and yesterday my temp was still up

way up

and my hopes? ahh my silly hopeful hopes went up too.

maybe, just maybe we'd snatched victory from the jaws of defeat

maybe we'd hit the jackpot

grabbed the brass ring

but today, my temp was halfway down and I felt my heart fall, I peed on stick for confirmation (not in the mood for ambiguity or wasted hope or whatiffing), no. Negative. And now I feel played.

I wonder at my own insanity that I would even think it was possible, that I would allow myself to get suckered in by hoping for such a long shot.

I feel really stupid. Like going on one more date with that guy who seemed to have such potential even though he never calls or does anything he promises just because maybe maybe he could turn out to be the one. Yeah, no.

I had a very lifechanging holiday but am not quite ready to talk about it. Odd how vulnerable I can feel even with good things.

And today I cried hard, had a long cathartic and insight ridden talk with my wonderful sister, and then took to the woods.

I had a wonderful metaphorical hike, want to hear about it?

It was raining here, hard sometimes, light mist others, oddly warm. We still have loads of snow, so the rain just makes it heavy and slushy, and the trail was a mishmash of running water, ice, packed snow, slush, and this double layer of thick snow crust with water flowing underneath high enough to flood into my shoes when I stepped through.

Each step I took slid backwards some, and it took so much skidding slipping sidestepping effort to get up to the overlook. I sat on a wet rock and looked out through fog, and thought about how when I'm hiking, if that way does not work, I go this way, I step over the fallen log, walk around the dog shit, walk through the high snow when the trail is too icy. It is not a crisis, it is a hike. But for some reason, in *real* life, any obstacle feels like failure or the end of the road. I need to remember to just look for the alternatives as if they are part of the process not the exception. But I get so single minded. This way, this way. But now it is all about alternatives.

My referral should be all sorted out this week, so I should have an appointment with Dr. O sometime later in January. I wish I could do bloodwork or something or anything toward whatever is next sooner than that. But I guess I am- I am making an appointment and that needs to count.

2009 sucked ass in many ways. I came across a blog I used to read back in the day, it used to be called I can't believe I wasted all that birth control and is now called Uppercase Woman. And she ends her most recent post this way:

2009? Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Amen.

Eve

Admittedly, I am much more of a solstice gal

But, on this christmas eve, I wish on you, each of you, an extra heaping dose of love and peace.

10pm

Gosh, 10 already, I feel like I blinked and here it is, late, night, time for bed.

I moved an inch today, called boston IVF, called to see if I can just get the testing done we talked about back in August when I met with Dr Oskowitz, their doc who specializes in older mom wannabes such as myself.

So, I called, left a message.

Several hours later they called back- kind but not warm, and yes, they found my file and oh, my referral ran out friday. So, I needed a new referral. And, as such, I need to make another appointment for another consultation. Which is fair but annoying since, gosh, friday?? But I was barely ready to call today. So, waiting is ok. (waiting is ok, waiting is ok, waiting is ok, waiting is ok...)

So, I have a new referral, they will call with an appointment time and day sometime for mid January. My next cycle starts this weekend. But it will come and go, no tests. That's ok, but I was kind of hoping I could sneak up on this.

Why Boston IVF? you folks have all been wonderful with suggestions, and Boston IVF was in the running for the top 3 and a place I'd already made contact with and been examined at... So I figured I would start there. Next will be Fertility Centers of New England.

So one inch forward, some more waiting, and some time for breathing. If I look at this the right way, I will have a few moments between now and then when this is not the first thing I think of each time I wake in the middle of the night, the first thing I think of in the morning, or when I pause or stumble... I want a break, even if for a little while, but I also want so much to be on the other side of this.

Sending weblove to Sarah at Dreams and false alarms for her shitty recent loss, and for Illanare for hers, and sending love to Sprogblogger as she is on the cusp of her IT WILL BE SUCCESSFUL transfer, and to Traci and her monsters, love to Nic who is healing and Mo who is on the cusp of a CCRM adventure and Elizabeth whose days are filled with love and uncertainty and K with her two and Dawn and her one and Beth who I will meet sometime soon I hope and Kate who is impatient and Kate who is sunflowering and Melissa and Michele and Phoebe and Eileen and Billy and Jules and Jem and t and Elle and Onward, and Backseat, and Whatif and one pink line, and Pundelina, and Maredsous (missing you!) and bb and Meinsideout, and Joannah, April, Sarah, Sassy and Serenity,Megan and Jenn (miss you and hope you are healing!) and Maddy and EB, music maker and Magsy and scifi, and future mom, and Amber and Dirk.... all of you I wish I could read more often...and I hope to catch up soon.

And to all of you who stopped in to offer suggestions and to let me know who you are-- sharing three little words-- how wonderful and heartfilling! Thank you so much for playing along.

Kate, tired but hopeful, resilient when not falling apart, ready, waiting.

solstice

I have been off line and out of touch-- I was away at a faraway customer visit that was fraught with technical challenges and long days, and then a stormy return trip this weekend had me spending saturday night in the newark airport (could not even escape by train or taxi, the lines were too long and it was too late)--- finally I was able to catch a very late train home yesterday.

Thank you all for your wonderful support and suggestions for the next phase of our journey.

I am crazed with work and needing sleep so it will take a few days to catch up.

But on this day, this shortest daylight day, I want to wish all of you a very, very happy solstice.

stunned lull

My sweetie was brave for me today and called and canceled the Dr. appointment on the 21st. I know he spoke with our nurse. I also told him I was not able to hear that she thinks we're doing the right thing, so he has not told me about their conversation which is good. Because, honestly? I am not ready to hear almost anything at all. He did ask them for a copy of our records since our pregnancy in March and she will be sending them.

To be honest, I am not even sure what we are doing. Or if we can even do whatever it is we want. Not one thing is certain. We are not in rampant information gathering mode. We are in sort of a lull. A stunned lull. A lull where you know you need to get up and get the laundry out of the drier since it keeps buzzing but you can't quite haul your sorry ass off the sofa. Like me, right now. A lull, by definition, is not action packed. It feels nearly impossible to pick up the phone and just call, just ask, just schedule. It feels impossible to add to my summary document of our journey so far the details of our cycles since the pregnancy. I read websites and wonder if my lining was ever made with 3 stripes of anything. I never saw it, they never said. And if that is some sort of entrance exam for a shared risk DE program like the one in bedford, I am not really ready to fail again like that. So we read a little, write for information, and then sit in a stunned lull.

Thank you all for the kind words and support and suggestions. I am still not ok. I feel like shit about this and just want it to be different. Giving up, moving on...yeah. I am not sure I really can. But honestly, logistically, financially, spiritually even, maybe I have to, at least a little, at least from what we've been trying or how we've been trying.

I want to get a whole lot more energized for whatever is next, a little less defeated/deflated. I am so afraid if I even call for information I will cry.

We made plans today, fiscally inappropriate plans, to go away for a few days in January to someplace warmer and potentially sandy and salty that requires an airplane ride or two. This feels good and bad. Good because gosh darn, sandy and salty and warm? that sounds Good. Bad because of the money (modest but still).

But now I have something concrete (or sandy) to look forward to in January, and something good in February (a writing workshop and meeting friends in real life one of whom I only know through here)...

And now I am heading away for a few days of work related diversion- I travel tomorrow and come back saturday late. So if it is quiet around these parts, no worries. Yes, I am retreating, but I have the cover of a work project to lend plausible deniability.

My 10 seconds today: my moo cards came. I love half of them rather passionately. They feel wonderful-- truly, tactile lusciousness. Smoooooooth. And I decided if I waited to know who I am to declare myself, I would be waiting forever. So I wrote at least some of what I know to be the truth: I'm Kate, enthusiastic intuitive wonderer.

If we all introduced ourselves by who we Are instead of what we Do.. ever wonder what's your real title? No, not the cynical one, or the self berating one, or the one that labels your thighs or your uterus. Want to leave a few words about who you are? I'd love to hear them. Please be nice and imagine you're describing a little of your highest and best. And none of us will imagine that your three words are the whole you, we'll know the truth, that they are just a window, a peek, a little diversionary voyeurism. Feel free to be anonymous. It is kind of empowering. Try more than one.

Another of mine? Olympic level laugher

letting go

I am

and I am not

There is a moment we all know, when you take a step and realize the ground is not where you expected, and you hang in mid air waiting. The only thing you know is that what you thought was going to happen (or maybe even knew was going to happen) is not happening. And that, quite unexpectedly, you find yourself hanging in the great inhalation that is the in-between, not this, but not that.

I am in between. I am not where I was, and not yet where I will be going.

Letting go of my big PLAN is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. It is a death of sorts of an idea and ideal, a big dream, my heart's desire. I had a one track mind: this way, it said, go this way. Go with all of your heart and soul and energy, and I did. I new about other options, spoke about them, thought about them, but knew that I would play this one way all the way through.

And then I took a step, and the ground fell away, and here I am.

In a nod to empowerment and in not becoming victim-ized by this whole shitty thing, we've chosen not to try to do the IUI up there this month (what if I call and they say no? or if I go and they want to talk? I simply will not be able to handle it). We've chosen not to go to the meeting with the doctor on the 21st just to hear it is over in person (an added stress and heartbreak I do not need to put myself through). We're choosing to stop in a "we didn't want to be your friend either" defensive sort of way, but also in a way that lets us feel we are making the choice. We know that they are truly doing what they believe (and probably is) the right thing. But this shattered me. And so I need to do something different.

So, internet lovelies, I live in southern new hampshire. I am looking for a clinic within relatively easy driving distance that you or one of your beloveds has felt good about- DE yes, shared risk yes. Logistically we are trying to avoid cycling far away (Shady Grove) since it is going to be very hard and we are trying not have this be any more difficult than it has been or has to be. But we need a shared risk option because of the expense.

So Boston-ites, suggestions are welcome. Leave them here in the comments or send me an email icantwhistle

at

yahoo

dot

com

warnings of places to avoid are welcome too.

Thank you for your incredible support always.

Fucking IF is just one loss after another for me. And I am so so so tired of failing.

Thank you for any suggestions and recommendations. While I am not there yet, I sure as hell want to be able to hit the ground running.

mangled

...is how my heart is feeling.
sad for Phoebe's negative
sad for K's lost little one
and now also deeply sad after a conversation with my clinic.

We meet with the doc monday after next, but the conversation today was a preview-- we spoke about diminished returns and how they may not be able to suggest another cycle in good conscience since they do not believe it would work. This is an ethical issue of course, and I appreciate that. But futility was not what I expected to talk about this morning when I called. I was hoping for a simple confirmation that we could do an IUI this month (the answer was a yes if the LH surge comes when we can actually do something about it). I was not expecting the donor egg, donor embryo talk.

Even if they say yes, I know it is our last assisted try. And schedule-wise we may not be able to cycle in January anyway, or at least not until the end of the month, so even if all goes well and they say yes to one more try, we'd be off another cycle. and yes I turn 43 in february. I asked about medicated IUIs and she said the same thing, they cannot in good conscience agree if they think there is no real chance of it working. (BUT IT WORKED! I want to yell, at least it almost did! I was pregnant! Please!)

My heart feels like absolute shit. This is another horrible heart/head schism where of course I know things (know she is probably right, know the stats are single digits at best, know I am probably wasting time, money and effort just to appease my future self), but gosh I feel other things so strongly (I WANT THIS SO BADLY, this THIS which= me plus him) that it is hard to breathe.

My darlin is right, the suckiest kind of suck.

spiraling

It is snowing again, tiny fast flakes that blow in all directions, make a shhhhhhh noise as they blow across each other and off the roof, not so much falling as spiraling.

This is not sticky snow, this is sugar snow and the trees are wondering where it is going, why it is not piling on their branches, why it is leaving the bark bare. It is just not that kind of snow.

I have been in a funk I guess, a musical memory this weekend raked coals for me, got me down into my raw places where I hang out with various forms of regret and nostalgia in some sort of nearly unavoidable self-archeology.

When jeff died, I listened to music a lot. I lived in a small place and I would lie there and watch the sky out of the windows and listen to music. It's how I made it through those nights that first year. I listened to some great music, but I listened over and over. Patty Griffin, Deb Talan. Oh, Deb was my constant companion, a great songwriter, a voice that could be a friend's, and lyrics that caught me up in story and felt familiar.

I stopped listening to music after that for a long, long while, stopped the deliberate listening of singer songwriter stuff, instead I was all npr all the time. Music was too evocative and I simply avoided it in some harebrained attempt at keeping it together.

Then, like all evolution, I slowly started listening more, but have not sought out my own. I listen to what is playing or change the station if I have to. And then two friends sent specific songs for me to listen to in this past week, songs that really mattered. And another sent a wonderful playlist from the art workshop last summer. And then, I started to download some music. Started to listen a little. Trying to open myself up to that true and deep pleasure. My writing has always benefited from music, it is as if it pulls words out of me, helps me with rhythm... And so....

So last weekend, I was playing with Pandora, and a Deb Talan song came on that was one from back then, and I said to myself I am a grown up, I can handle this, it is beautiful, it is music. But I was wrong, it is not just music. It has been playing in my head in an endless loop since. And with it, up comes this buried (not so deeply apparently) sadness and loneliness and regret as if I had saved a pocket of it just for this moment.

Oddly, I never read the lyrics until just now finding it for you. I just listened. I guess now that I read it, it is not at all surprising I've been laid out by it. "makes you limp and sway". Yes, yes it does.

Deb Talan, Unravelling

You tie your shoes too tight, you know
cause it feels better that way.
And when you don't, all night you are dreaming
you walk, laces streaming down the street behind you.

A river of tangled string
you are unraveling
and no one else seems to mind.
You keep it to yourself, stay numb and act fine.
You wear the truth under your sole, like a pebble
it makes you limp and sway
but it will out someday.

Take it from me it is no use
washing your hands so often they are clean and cracked.
You never get your old skin back
once you have loved like that
you're a river of tangled string...

He is inside you, he loved your marrow.
You think you could cut him out with a knife
if you went deep enough
I don't think so.
Maybe sing him back to living
'cause he might rise like a snake in a basket
or he may close his eyes
and wait till his life is a full-fledged casket, floating on
a river of tangled string...

snowing

snow is falling and just like that the world transforms into something soft and gentle and lovely.

watching the snow coming down, outlining every branch and twig, piling along the lines of rope of the hammock, the railing, the bark on the trees.

ahhh my eyes feast as dark comes.

Rainbow

Yesterday began with a dark sky and hard rain and hard wind. My drive to work, the sky lightened and suddenly there was a full rainbow, bright and clear, over my shoulder. I pulled off and watched it until it was gone. The sky was changing so fast, clouds flying by, clear one moment, cloudy, rainy, clear again.
I was late to work but it was completely worth it. Before it faded, a second arch showed for a few minutes, a ghost.

So many folks are out there struggling with identity issues, wondering who are we after all of this? So many new IF moms or IF pregnant ladies feeling like their lives are lived with a foot in each boat, like each one is somehow not quite true. Oh my heart aches and I know nothing I say can make a damned bit of difference since we cannot undo our experiences. This is what we have come to know, this is the shit we have slogged through or are in the midst of.
And for all of us, I hate that we say to ourselves that we ARE infertile, instead of "having" infertility. It is as if this has become us, we have become it.
Of course "having" it means there is a chance in hell to "lose" it. (dang, where did I put that infertility? must be around here somewhere---- OH to be so friggin lucky...).

And so I ask myself:
Is that truly who I am? Infertilekate?
What about kate who laughs and runs through sprinkers? what about kate who feels her heart swell when the cat deigns to sit upon her lap? what about hot shower bliss kate? flannel sheet kate? slow kiss kate? crying at npr kate? what about kate who writes? or paints? or catches snowflakes on her tongue?
WHY CAN'T THESE COUNT MORE RIGHT NOW?
In some ways the honest answer is that I feel so darned broken, it is impossible to forget the fucking struggle, and it is a struggle almost each and every moment. And this process, fueled by running out of time, just is consuming.

But me and the rainbow? for those moments, I was not even kate, I was not infertile, I was not broken. I was just wonder and awe.

10 seconds of soft

Methinks maybe I spoke to soon. I don't know. I feel so darn fragile. Last night's acupuncture was hard. An hour lying there with just me, myselves and I, my misgivings, my regret, my disappointment. Hm. Not so good.

It is as if I am really good at moving from acute hell to a skinned over place that feels more superficially whole, and I think SEE? THERE! I'M OK! When really? I am still a bag-o-shards. It does not take much to puncture the veneer. And the worst part? I'm so good at faking myself out that I'm surprised when it happens, when the punctures occur, which is crazylunacy.

I realized yesterday that a good word for my current state is brittle, which sounds bitter and isn't, or angry and isn't, but it does speak to a certain lack of resilience and elasticity. Right now, it takes nothing to set me off, make me teary, make my heart feel like it is sinking. I've talked a lot here about coping, and being FINE, and yeah, I am coping, I am fine. But I am also not fine and it is really hard to admit that, even to me.

Last night my darlin' surprised me with a disco ball, music, and slow dancing in the living room. It was lovely even though my mood made me feel more tender than anything and I felt more like crying than laughing (WHICH SUCKS).

(I should title this post: In Which Kate Uses Random Capitalization to Make a Point or Two)

The truth is, I am bad at feeling bad. I have no patience for it. Reject it as OTHER. It is not me, I am buoyant, so what the fuck? I wonder if for a moment, I could do what my sweet sister suggested and say, I have a right to feel bad. This sucks ass.
and so I say to myself. see? you? feeling bad? (baby typing with question marks)
THAT MAKES SENSE. But I hate it.

But, what if I simply allowed it.
BUT! (I say) I HATE IT!
Yeah yeah, katekate I know you do, I hear you. you hate it. I get that. but allow does not mean embrace or embody. and it may mean not fighting myself in every moment.

So in this land that is full of what ifs,
I wonder,
what if, for the next 10 seconds, I just allowed myself to feel what I feel, even if I wish it were different.

***

the answer?
I feel softer. like for those 10 seconds i was not battling myself.
hmm. isn't that something.

surfacing

Cramps finally are calming down, thank god/goddess/all-that-is. They were really, really hard this time around- my usual megadose advil did not make a dent, and the persistent pain really wore me down. BUT I am better today! And Maddy made me laugh with her comment. I think suckitude and fortitude may be friends actually. Things suck, but I'm still in the game.

I am finding it hard not to be aware that the 9th, looming, my would have been due date. It feels impossible. I read about Onwardsandsideways fabulous 38th week. We got pregnant at the same time, and where she is feels like a foreign land. I ache for that possibility that truly wasn't, and for my easy projection then into this upcoming holiday time with big belly and then baby and a new year beginning with our bigger family. And it feels like a dream I had once. Not like a real thing that truly could have been. And yet, dream or not, it cuts pretty deeply, you know?

Speaking of dreams, I dreamed of babies last night, one could type and had written this whole short story in tiny question mark delimited fragments like this: One could type? and? the whole story? was in fragments?

And it was weird to read it, since I kept thinking: MY BABY WROTE THIS. I also dreamed of my last high school, of visiting for some sort of movie watching reunion thingy, having one very foamy beer (I do not drink at all in real life), getting woozy drunk, and kissing some random guy named Eric who does not actually exist, and needing to leave before in-dorms but realizing I was too drunk to drive and not entirely sure where I parked anyway. The stars were amazing as I wandered about looking for my car, that I do remember. So my point? My dreams are not all portentous. Most are just brain barf.

And now, speaking of brain barf, I feel like babbling here for a while- I guess this means I am surfacing. So this? This portends well.

suckitude

Yup, I need to confess this out loud and right here: this one, this negative, this one hurt more than many others have. Maybe not the other real IVF since that just felt so right. But while so many other negatives sucked, there were tears and then I moved forward. Maybe this one is so hard because of running out of time. Maybe it was the misleading twinges and cramping. Maybe it is the pre-tenderness of my bruised and battered heart. Or our lack of sufficient credit and time left to explore options... The feeling that time is whooshing by at breakneck speed.

Not being able to do anything but an unmedicated IUI this cycle is also hard-- it is always easier to have the distraction of a complex protocol. So I am temping again (Maddy, I don't bother temping when I am on progesterone support since it makes my temps nice and high and holds off my period, so I find it very misleading). I will take mucinex. We will test for the LH surge. I have asked for an IUI.

But, yeah. I got to dance with my old friend acute grief for a while and while it is nice to be led around so masterfully since I know so well how that goes, really? I am ready for something else.

I am trying very hard to not drown in this. I am succeeding except sometimes when a wave washes up and pulls me under. I almost feel like I am watching it happen.

But I'll be ok. Last night around 2 I woke up crampy (gosh this period has some major butt-kicking cramping), and the moon was far in the western sky, up behind some popcorn clouds, and it was so lovely. And in moments like those, I just feel the joy of it. And this part of me, this part of the katemosaic, this part is so good.

Thank you all for your wonderful and kind support and frustration on our behalf. It means so much to hear you roar and shake your heads and fists and feel this is unfair: Thank you.

Sending love to all of you out there in limbo right now (Jules, and Sassy, and Scifibaby) I am so sorry about the in-betweenness. I think that sucks extra.

negative

and yeah, I feel like shit.

december is off so next cycle won't be until january.

big sad kate. damn it.

gratitude

every day I try to pay attention to things I am grateful for. some days it is breathing. some days it is the miraculous love of a good man. or the tiny hairs on the tips of the cat's ears. or the way the rain sounds. or that I am clean and dry and warm and fed. sometimes it is the way the sheets feel perfect against my skin. or how the mug handle fits just so.

I peed on no sticks today, and for that I am grateful. I woke with big sharp cramping, the kind that comes and stays, not that ebbs and flows, breathless cramping. I have had this before, once or twice when I was pregnant, once for sure when I wasn't but was hoping I was, but I cannot help but think it means I am trying to keep or trying to get rid of something. I will know tomorrow I guess. I am not looking forward to the early morning long drive through and among and with the crazy shopping people to the lab. I am not looking forward to the time before the phone call, the phone ringing, or the way I will feel in those seconds before she tells me the results unless she yells POSITIVE as soon as I say hello. But it is what it is, I cannot will it to be different, otherwise I would have a baby on my lap right now. I realize that coming up on early december when I would have been due is weighing heavy and hard on my heart. But with all the maybes in the world, or whatifs, or could'ves, it wasn't. And really, the wasn't certainly wins here, eh?

So on this fine soft november day, I say thank you. Today l feel so grateful to all of you, to all of us, to all of this, to this technology even if it fails me, to the strength of will we all show in trying so damned hard, for fortitude and tenacity. I am grateful it sometimes works. And I am grateful I can even try. But to be honest, it would be damned cool if instead of trying and failing, this happened to work for me this time. I sure would be grateful for that too.

the middle way

In agonizing about doing the right thing about the testing, peeing, results or no results, and trying to figure out what the right thing was.. I realized there is no right thing for me at the moment. All options feel wonky.
the right thing is just to be pregnant.
this slow exposure of what is, the reveal, yeah... there is no right way to do this part... so

yes, I peed on a stick this morning (unambiguously negative) and called the clinic on the way to the lab to ask that they do not call me with results today. I will wait for friday's test. I am already feeling mighty sad and trying hard not to be consumed by it, so I will buy myself some time, some days to fill the way I want: with hope if I want, with possibility, with art, with reading, with good things and dear friends and loved ones.
I do not want to KNOW it is over. I need to keep some hope. So I will. Even if it is just for two more days.

So, why did I pee on a stick? Yeah, um, I guess this is why I call it the middle way. I told myself I did not want to accidentally defer joy-- if it were positive I would have said hell yeah! call me with the beautiful number! I just wanted it to be positive, that's all. And while that is all true, I also know it does not really answer in a way I wholly believe, so I guess I do not have a full open honest answer. Maybe it is just: Because I had to. I was there, it was there, our eyes met across the bathroom... yeah, I don't have a good answer.

So in spite of my compliKatedness and my heavy feeling of sad, today, I will try to remain open-hearted and hopeful. I will let myself feel the twinging and believe that it could mean something good. I will look forward to writing tonight, and wonderful companionship, and reading good books, and artmaking, and walking, and... I will let myself float for a few days.

For those of you who know my analytical side, this may seem unthinkable-- but I am beginning to believe what I already recognized, that some of this needs to be about feeling not thinking, and I want to feel ok.

If I get the now mostly expected negative on friday, at least the news will come a few days closer to beginning again. At most I imagine I'll have one more kate-egg IVF cycle before I turn 43 and the clinic stops IVF with me-- It may be december or january. but that's it. we only have the credit for one more IVF anyway.
They would then let us do some medicated IUI's but not many-- they'll do 6 total and we're halfway through those already.

I am needing to know what is next, while hoping that it is not necessary. But in the meantime, I will try like hell to let myself be ok, enjoy the soft fog, and the silly woolly ponies, and the donkey in the cattle pasture, and the bright berry colored leaf that I picked up on the way in, and the collection of pine cones I keep adding to, here on my crazy piled up desk...

Diversion

beautiful whales
intriguing Tarot (Click the images to view my most recent reading. Well now....)


experiencing the futility of peeing on a stick at 11dpo just because it is the last moment my darlin is in town for a few days (big ole stark white negative).


Babbling.
I am curious about the magnitude and obsessively circling self talk, I sound like a lunatic even to myself.
I don't know I don't know I don't know
it is too early i could still be pregnant
it was silly to pee on the stick however well intended
the cramping? probably just the colitis sneaking up on me
it is too early I could still be pregnant


But really?
it is too early.

I could still be pregnant.

I could be pregnant right this very moment.

fucking pee stick (notice my lack of culpability as if it is the pee stick's fault I have no rationality, no self control).

Ok then. So now what?
My life is about more than this. I am looking forward to a few reading days, writing days, art days... days with no TV while my darlin' is away. With luck I will write with beloved Tammy on wednesday. I am off work on thursday and friday so I have some time alone. There's a tofu pumpkin pie to make that is actually awesome and delicious (boy was I surprised!). And I have a nice weekend ahead filled with feasting down at my sister's. My mom, my grandma, my sister, her kids... 4 generations, how lucky am I??

but then I ask myself in a small voice, what if my period comes on saturday?
and I confessed to Doug that with 13% of my brain, I am starting to think about what's next. Ultrasound on monday for baseline cyst check?
can i say how much this sucks?

and my small but getting bigger evolving voice says

Ferchrissakes kate, feed the right wolf!
yeah, I say, yeah, says I, I'm trying. I just do not want to be eaten, that's all.

Lalala beluga

IF meditation

I had colitis today, horrible cramping sweating badness, I had not missed it. This is only the 7th event since January's radical diet change, of no gluten, no eggs, no dairy.

In the midst of the doubled over pain, of course all I could think of was the babies--

and so, today, a return to skepticism and worry. But each time I went to the skeptical place, I tried like hell to bring myself back to now- to the possibility of a positive outcome. Some sort of shitty IF meditation, bringing my thoughts back over and over and over.

I get my "preliminary" beta on wednesday-which will be a mere 12dpo, and I will pee on a stick first just because I will.

But I also know that with our one pregnancy, I did not have a positive pee stick until 13dpo. Not that any one cycle is anything like any other-- but... I guess I do not know the right thing so I am just trying to figure it out as I go. My darlin' will be away until friday, but that is the day of beta2.

They gave me the option to not know the preliminary results. But I do not think I can wait, no, I cannot wait to know until then, although, no matter what, I will be waiting for those results on friday for confirmation or a surprise positive, for reassurance.

Sweet Traci got a great ultrasound today-- 2 monsters looking good! WHOO HOO! and Illanare wrote a lovely piece on hope and could use an infusion of support. I hope to catch up with more of you tomorrow.

Between now and then, as my head roars and I find myself in the place of worry and emptiness and discouragement, I will bring myself back, again and again to the place of hope.

hopeful

Sorry for the sudden quiet- I'm ok- I was away unexpectedly, visiting my sister these past few days and arrived home tonight just after dark, with a crescent moon in the south, and a ribbon of gold on the western edge of the horizon.

I had some pinching and faint cramping for a while yesterday which made me feel hopeful, and some queasiness last night (?).... well, hm.. I lay very still hoping it would go and hoping it would stay-- I am not a queasy person. It went away and I slept.

But I am hopeful.

And I am scared because I am hopeful.

I am bone tired at 7pm, blame the early dark, easy thing to do as this time of year is hard for me- I crave sunlight and daylight and feel as if I just need to make it one more month until the solstice.

Two nights ago I lay in bed with my darlin and told him I did not think it had worked, did not think I was pregnant, and he said, which wolf are you feeding?

I laughed since that is my own internal line, not one I have heard spoken. But it was true, we both were. I did not think I was pregnant, but how can I know? I both wish I could know and am so grateful I cannot know yet- there is still time for positive possibility. And, as Doug said, I do not know that I am not pregnant, so why not believe that I am?

And now, after yesterday's sensations and today's craving for salsa and sudden exhaustion, I wonder.

story of the day from Story People

Here's the Story of the Day:

Proper Steps

I only do this until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & watch the clouds, she said. It sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget the second part. Copyright 2006, StoryPeople. Click here to send your own e-greeting from www.storypeople.com Amen.

feeding the wolf

So yesterday I promised myself I would try to stay calm in spite of being back at work, and I mostly succeeded.
And I promised myself I would focus on all that is good, and that includes allowing myself to feel hopeful that one or both of these little ones will be chromosomally normal and, if so, decide to stick around for the duration.

Such a heavy frost fell over night it looked like snow, but each blade of dried grass was frosted and sparkly. This is not a colorful season, but there is such beauty-- a big apple tree that sits in the middle of a tangled hillside is bare except for fist-sized yellow apples that hang like ornaments.
And the sun, when it hits the street signs, pulls steam upwards as water goes from ice to air.

I catch myself being worried or negative (over and over and over again), and then I gather myself together, move myself one inch toward the positive, open my eyes and really look around. I hope I can keep this up- it's an effort to be sure, but it is brings me back again and again to such a more peaceful place.

planting seeds

Seeds are planted at the dark of the new moon. And today is that day. The prime day for planting, and these next two weeks are prime weeks for growing as the moon grows. So, I am hopeful!

2 embryos, a 6 cell A- and a 5 cell C. All 5 retrieved were mature, 4 fertilized, but 2 fertilized abnormally (one with two sperm like last time, the other just listed as "abnormal").

For those of you into the details:

Bladder management sucked today, but I peed 4 times, small amounts, trying to get comfortable. I swear my bladder is the size of a thimble.

Started driving at 9, got there at 10:40 or so and they recognize us now so checking in means just saying good morning, peed, then peed again. Then peed as they took us back (oh how very difficult to pee small amounts!). Got a great hug from Deb our nurse from the last round, was taken into the room to state my name and intention and to meet the nurse in training, undressed and got the PIO shot. The shot sucks rocks, but compared to the bladder it was not awful. I do not envy anyone who does more than two of those injections a cycle, I've used up both sides. Friday's side is still sore. And then... waited. waited. waited for the doc. My lovely nurse went to scout him out and I got dressed and peed a dixie cup's worth again (bless the scheduling person for letting me use the staff bathroom, she understood my duress)- then back in the room-- sweet Sharon (my favorite nurse) came back with the nurse in training, some hair nets and face masks and the news that doc#1 was tied up and sweet doc#2 would do the transfer. BLESS HER. So, onward! Then things went in fast forward-- ultrasound tech came in, doc came in, embryologist, they positioned me, dropped the table bottom, verified who I am and all my numbers, gave me the embryo report (whew!), then the speculum went in while the US tech pushed so hard on my bladder I almost cried, but it all worked out and I heard more than usual about the process since the doc was telling the nurse in training what she was doing and why and it all went fine. The doc was great with the catheters and the US tech was great communicating with me, and then I got to see them, my two fireflies right exactly where they were meant to be. In the middle of the middle of me.

15 minutes later I peed! Whoo hoo! Best thing ever. Then I could concentrate on enjoying knowing the two little ones are inside me right this very moment.

So, with all the peeing, I bet you're wondering, ok Ms. Big Gulp, exactly how much did you drink? 1 normal sized bottle of water. Thimble I tell you....thimble.

Then, home via acupuncture while my sweetie went grocery shopping, so dinner is in the oven and will smell great soon Moroccan chicken somethingorother that smells divine....

My wonderful observation of the day? As we drove through the most beautiful landscape, I saw dark clusters at the tops of a lot of the piney trees--and after many miles and straining my eyes and guessing (birds? no..), I finally realized they are pinecones! Still up top, clustered into knots in just the highest branches. The bottom branches are already bare of them.

And,

I am reading this magnificent book that I started this morning- Pema Chodron's Taking the Leap. The first chapter includes a discussion of how in any moment, we have tendencies toward anger/fear and tendencies toward love/acceptance. A father tells his son this in a parable with two wolves, two wolves that live inside us. The son asks his father which one will win, and the father answers, whichever I feed.

Today, I will feed the wolf of love and acceptance. You know why. That is the wolf that needs to win.

wolves

1db3dt

1 day before three day transfer and I am sitting here in a state of high vibration. I'd call it butterflies but that is not sufficient, it feels too tectonic. I am scared people.

Each time the phone rang today, my heart leapt into my throat, and I panicked. As I told Jules in a comment, I did not realize how I was thinking of my embryos, but each time the phone rang I worried something might have gone wrong with our babies.

Babies.

Oh sweet kate, there is a friggin long road between embryo and baby.

Yeah, I know. But this was my instinctive immediate response. Not my rational thoughtful educated response.

I am scared about what, it not working, being hideously uncomfortable during the transfer, losing sphincter control (thank you gassy progesterone suppositories with oily discharge! Gotta Luv Ya!)

I did not hike today- still crampy and uncomfortable from the retrieval which is weird, so I realized that while my mind needed a hike more than maybe most anything, my body needed to be more peaceful.

So, we did errands and I cleaned (not aerobic) and sorted and did laundry and threw out a bunch of expired mysteries from the closet in the bathroom.

And now, I am tired and on the sofa, watching football, eating leftovers and it is just 7:30. how the heck will I make it to tomorrow. to 9 when we leave. to 11 when I arrive with a bladder filing just so, to 11:30 when my two are gently put back where they should be.

It is the oddest thing ever having them there, and me here. I never expected it before I experienced it. I did a better job realizing it this time since last time was so acute.

So, t-16h and I am talking myself up, trying to stay hopeful. But scared howls at the door.

2>0

I am very happy and relieved! we have two embryos!

I am also very sad and disappointed and felt my heart fall.. dang, I thought, we only have two? What the fuck? What happens if something goes wrong between now and monday?? What if they arrest and we have nothing?

ahhh the thrill of catastophizing. I could get an hononary degree in that.... awareness of all that can go wrong.

I am trying like hell to let happy win and having a hard time.

the rain is probably not helping my heavy mood.

and these drugs, holy crap folks, these are not my usual and should we need to do this again, I will ask for a return to the previous cocktail, pina colada, and not this friggin scorpion bowl of doom. I am more with it than yesterday but feel so heavy and tired. This part is much harder than last time. Much much harder.

I am going to go see my mom this afternoon for some good maternal triage. She does not know the details but knows I am in the midst of a cycle. But she is wonderful company and I am so lucky to have such a great relationship with each of my parents. I do not take it for granted.

Monday, 11:30 is the transfer and hope to hell I hear nothing from them between now and then unless it is something miraculous and good.

So, recognizing that my life needs to be more than survival and IF, yesterday I received an invitation from the magical Jen Lee to join a story telling retreat in late February in NYC. In spite of all of my insecurities, I impulsively trusted my instinct, said yes and signed up for the last spot. This is a very good thing for me, brave and all that. I will no doubt panic about it as it comes closer but right now? How great to have something out there in the future that will be so good for me if I let it.

And today? rain is falling on the roof and blowing against the eastern windows, a bluejay is taunting the cat from the crabapple tree, and the lichen is crazy green on the tree trunks. I left the seed heads of the cone flower and the horsemint and the brown eyed susans standing in the front garden, and they are black and lovely, tall skeletal sculptures. And the heap of catmint is still green but beaten down and bitter.

I moved the big pot of parsley to the stoop to guard it from frost. And I realize how lucky we are that this is rain and not snow and ice, it could be so easily. And I am trying to soak up the sound of it falling on the roof. Snow is silent unless it is blowing or shot through with sleet, so this sound, this one, this is a sound I will not hear again until spring.

Ok people, we have 2. Two wonderful beginnings.

A shout out to Jules for her great fert report today! Fingers crossed for a great outcome for all of us.

5>0

5 eggs retrieved! Which, I may add, is nicely and definitely more than zero (which I had feared).

They tried 3 IVs before they got one in right, the nurse was great, but my veins? not so much. But good lord the drugs this time have left me noodled and foggy for much much longer than ever before. I feel like a newt.

It is dark out and I feel like my day folded, morning into night with very little in between.

I came home, took tylenol, and went to bed. I slept on and off all afternoon, finally dragging myself to a semi upright position around 4:30. But I would not call myself competent, that's for sure. No heavy machinery for me.

Tomorrow morning we will know if any were mature, how many fertilized, and I am scared and hopeful and yeah, I admit scared is winning.

I'll update once I know more tomorrow. The good news? I am pretty sure I will sleep like a rock.

Thank you all for your incredibly kind words on my blog-anniversary. I still cannot believe I am here.

Anniversary

Today is my 1 year blog anniversary which I cannot quite believe.

This year has been full of celebrations and frustrations and sadness and a year of new connections and friendships, of love and support. I do not know where I would be without all of you.

My sister Sarah is the true cause of the ruckus since she is the one who suggested I start this blog when my "last" (HA, if only) IUI failed and I was on the road to IVF that December and January.

I felt so strange starting a blog, there are so many great blogs already out there, heck, I'd read a little pregnant and here be hippogriffs for years... what would I possibly have to say that is new? And then I realized that the very fact of writing provided some relief from the loneliness of this whole shitty thing since I could write whatever I wanted or needed to. If felt better to just to put it out there, send it out into the ether. And then, I joined cyclesista and found my posse! Folks who understood what I was going through since they were going through it too. Mo and Sprogblogger and Maredsous and Magsy and Elle and April and Sarah and t, and the next month Joannah and Megan and What If...the EB and Barefoot.... and musicmakermomma... I found others of you from blog lists, and others of you found me too.
And oh! The first time I had a commenter! Someone I did not know! (B was my first not-previously-known-to-me commenter and such a sweet comment too! ) And I had no idea how wonderful that would feel, it was so incredibly affirming.

I cannot express how important it has been for me to find all of you. Thank you!

This has been one hell of a year. It has been a year where I have poured hope into cycle after cycle, and tasted brief, magical, magnificent success with our pregnancy, and then lost something so precious when it ended, and was (and will always be) heartbroken. I am trying, we are trying, we are hopeful, but we are bruised by the trying and failing over and over. So I am trying to begin to transition to accepting the idea that this road may end soon, and trying to have faith that another will begin.

Thank you so much for coming along with me on this crazy journey. I am so damn sorry for our common struggle, but am so grateful to have you all here.

And I wish beyond wishing that all our wishes come true.

it's a go

Trigger tonight at 9 (holy shit)
Retrieval friday morning (FRIDAY THE 13th BABY! BRING IT ON!), 7:30 check in (FINGERS CROSSED there are actually eggs in there like last time)
Transfer (if all goes well, please please please) on monday.

So-- we're on!
for those of you following along at home, my E2 today was 2252 and I have about 4-5 follicles that look likely/possible, actual numbers and sizes are in the car scribbled on a scrap of paper (I will update these posts someday with real numbers for posterity).

Me? Scared.
Hopeful.
Extra scared since I am hopeful.
Holy shit, we're actually doing this thing.

Letting the big one go

So. I go back up tomorrow morning to look again. We are letting the lead follicle (already 19mm) go in hopes of bringing some of the smaller ones along for an IVF. My E2 is at 1796 and the follicle sizes are all in the car on the back of a scrap piece of paper, but there are just enough "possible" to warrant continuing stims and antagon, and we'll just have to wait and see.

I am over the moon for Traci of If Optimist for her fabulous ultrasound confirmation of her 2 7w monsters, and for Sprogblogger for finally getting her dang period so she can get on with this DE cycle and motherhood thankyouverymuch.

And Happy Birthdays to my sweet Alyssa and to Sprogblogger, and to Sesame Street... 2 of the 3 are 40 today I think.

And
thanks to all of you for pulling for me this cycle. I turned the corner from sad and blue to actually laughing today over the absurdity of it all-- this is such silliness really, how much I want to control this! and oh, how little I can actually do anything about.. a good reminder I suppose. I am along for this ride, I'm not really driving.
Maybe we'll know more tomorrow, maybe not.
Trying to stay flexible. But oh, how I am wishing for sleep.

possibly but probably not-update

Just a quick update, well, what can I say?
I am right on the cusp of the IUI vs IVF cutoff, so we'll rescan tomorrow- I have tons (for me) of follicles on the right side but but but they are small, so probably only the top 4 (2 from the left, and 2 from the right) will be even potentially mature. They are confident about 2. We are thinking I will trigger tomorrow night for whatever fun we'll have on thursday, but really? It is looking like IUI since my lead follicle is already at 17 (17,15,13, 13 and maybe 6 more under 10)--- E2 1498.... this decision may be out of my hands.
So, if IUI, I will try to be positive, since it is, after all, how I got pregnant. So it is possible, it can work...

but shit. I hate being on the fence, not being sure what we'll be able to do. And I just want to optimize our chances of success. But hey now, at least I have follicles! And my E2 from saturday indicates they are not decoys... so I will try to focus on being happy about that.

It is the most beautiful crazy warm breezy day here and I want to be home in the hammock after taking a long (orange vested) hike. Alas, work.

**update** we'll see how things are tomorrow but Dr. M is encouraged by my E2 and we may try to push things off one more day to see if we can get more on board. I am happy with this.
I may know more tomorrow.

my crazies

ohhh these hormones have me by the proverbial balz this time around.
I am a happykate in my natural state, this? this part of my cycle is all sad and questioning and raw.
BUT I know what it is this time, so this time I am not thinking it is me. And this is such a relief.

Woke up raw and horrid, so I hiked a beautiful hike under an unbelievable blue sky, and felt pretty good until I met up with a guy with a shot gun, oh yeah, hunting season, how shitty... then worked in the yard with my darlin' in a bright orange vest, then met up with my dear friend David for tea and conversation and a walk with sunshine on my face. It was fun to see the trees stripped down to fruit and seed-- so many beautiful textures, crabapples, ornamental oak leaves, seed pods....

Tomorrow I head up north for an 8:30 appointment, so I have to be up at 6 or before. Somewhere in there I will do the injections-- at this point I am hoping I will be there early enough to do it there instead of en route. Morning is two vials of menopur and one follistim, so there is mixing. And now there is my Ganirelix syringe swap too. I will take their advice most likely, but if there are more than 4 I will try for IVF I think-- here is why: I have not been able to stim two months in a row since I have had leftover cysts each time... so it is one month on, one month off... and this month is November, so December would be off, and then there could be a cycle in January and that would be my last IVF at Dartmouth-- February I turn 43. So this month? I should do everything I can.. simply because I will only have this cycle and maybe just one more before my birthday.

BUT this will turn out however it does.

And in the meantime, just like in those old innocent days when I thought I was insane but it was the clomid, this time I know I feel like shit because of the hormones. So I know this is not a good time to make big changes or begin to question my choices. Now is a good time to coast and stay peaceful and as separate as possible from the crazies.

Those? over there? wreaking havoc with the clothes rack? yeah, those are mine, they're my crazies....yeah, you know what can I do? they're at THAT age...